Only 3 Things In Life Are Certain: Death, Taxes, and Me

After I started paying taxes last year, I came to the conclusion that the government needs to find a way to save money. Why? If the government saves money, then maybe they won’t make me pay so much in taxes. Call me a communist, but I don’t like the idea that I am required by law to give a portion of my earnings to the federal government. Now, I realize a total absence of taxes will never happen legally, so the best I can hope for is a tax cut. Unfortunately, the Bush administration only seems to like handing out tax cuts to the rich. I hear talk about the trickle-down theory, but here’s the issue with that theory: it makes the false assumption that rich people aren’t greedy bastards who will keep profits for themselves rather than give their employees raises. I figure if I want tax cuts for the poor to become a reality, the federal government needs to cut their costs further, and I’ve got plenty of ideas for how to do that. Here’s a great one I just had the other day:

I’ve seen on the news that they recently hired that Tony Snow from Fox News to be the new press secretary. I quickly realized that Tony Snow is exactly like their last secretary Scott McClellan, at least in how he carries out his job (Yes, most of my news comes from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Sorry, but I don’t have the mental stability required to watch C-SPAN). They seem to say the exact same things when addressing the press’ questions… or not addressing them as the case may be. I guess they must have the same model of microchip implanted in their brains.

Seriously, though, I know how the government could save some money right now: Fire Tony Snow, and replace him. He must make a decent salary, right? However, instead of looking for another news correspondent or something, they should just go to Wal-mart and buy a magic 8-ball. Then, they could modify the 8-ball so it would fit the job criteria, and then set it on the podium in front of the press. The reporters could come up one at a time, ask a question and shake the magic 8-ball. Instead of saying regular things like “Definitely yes,” “Not Likely,” or “Ask again later” (actually, they could keep that last one), the press secretary 8-ball would respond with things like “I can’t comment on the details of an ongoing investigation at this time,” “I am afraid that information is classified,” “I believe I already addressed that question in an earlier statement,” or maybe “I can neither confirm nor deny that… aw, screw it. Just go away. You know damn well I’m not going to answer your question.” That should save the government a nice chunk of money.

My baby takes the morning train...

So, I’ve been done with finals and free of my freshman year of college no more than 5 days and already my mother is bugging me again. As it turns out, money does not grow on trees, nor are my parents made of money. So, if I want to continue going to college, I’m going to have to get one of these things I’ve been hearing so much about. What do they call them… jobs? Yes, I think that’s it.

I really don’t mind getting a job. Hell, I’ve got the whole summer ahead of me, so what’s 10-15 hours a week, right? The part that bothers me is trying to get the job in the first place. Last year, my summer job hunt was a total disaster. I dropped applications and held interviews left and right, but no one wanted me. In late August, I managed to get a little paid internship in Albany, but that was in no part due to my own effort. I always found that rather strange: I get rejected from every supermarket, fast food restaurant and video store in Burnt Hills, but the New York State Senate seemed to think I was perfect for the $7-an-hour internship in the photography department, where I basically got paid to exist. I actually ended up doing real work not because I was required to, but out of the sheer guilt I felt for being paid to sit on my ass surfing the internet, and occasionally walking outside to take pictures for an hour.

As far as this year goes, I don’t care too much what job I get, as long as I get something. I just don’t want to be rejected all around again. If I am shunned from the fast food industry, then I’ll know I’ve hit rock-bottom. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Being without a summer job isn’t that bad. I probably won’t have hit rock-bottom until I drop out of college, get hooked on booze and crack, and catch a few STDs. However, that’s not in my plans. I’m definitely not dropping out of college, and I’m not going to drink or do drugs. As far as the STDs go, well, there’s a ton of hot chicks at Marist, so no promises.

End of Semester Odds and Ends

It's been a little while since my last post. I've been busy with end-of-the-semester college stuff, and I haven't thought of much to talk about. Really, I've been drawing a complete blank. Lack of sleep, maybe. I did have a cool idea I wanted to mention, but I'm afraid someone will try to steal it and take credit for it. Well, I don't have anything big to talk about this time, so here's just a few little odds and ends to keep my legions of adoring fans going.

In the news world, scientists found a way to make water run uphill. Read about it. Really, that's very cool and all, but was there a point to it? Why do we need water to run uphill? Don't you science guys have something better to do, like cure a disease or find a new energy source or something? Oh, and some guy set a world record for typing numbers. Glad to see he's using his time efficiently as well.

If you haven't heard yet, I beat God of War on God Mode. I am now playing through Spartan Mode with Tycoonius(low defense) because God Mode just wasn't hard enough. Once I have done that, you will all bow down before my awesome power. In fact, feel free to start doing it now.

And speaking of bloodshed, anyone who enjoys violent internet flash games needs to check out Samurai Kittens. It is quite sick, but rather fun once you get the hang of the controls, and by playing you could possibly win a Samurai 7 DVD box set. I've never seen the show, but come on. It's a free DVD box set, and you win it for wasting time killing kittens. Who can pass that up?

Well, that's about it for now. Sometime soon I'm going to post more of my collection of cool links, and maybe some more news stories while I'm at it. I still have that book I'm writing, but I've had writer's block for about seven months, so I don't know if that will ever be published. So, hopefully I'll have something cool to talk about soon. Until then, keep worshiping me.