Just improving ROI through SEO, all by COB

My search for employment continues much as it has for the past 9 months. There are always at least one or two promising leads that never pan out. Rather than being further discouraged, though, this has gotten me thinking: should I be doing more to earn income through alternate sources?

Now, it used to be that you could only earn money as a writer if you were an author or a columnist. There was a very high barrier to entry for these kinds of jobs, but the reward was having the privilege of doing something you loved and calling it a job. You can still get a dedicated job writing articles for a publication, online or otherwise, and publishing books online has been getting easier (though not necessarily as profitable, depending on the path you took).

There are still other options, though. Online advertising is a source of income that many bloggers, webcomic artists, and other distributors of online content take advantage of. Most will never make enough from that alone to become financially independent, but still, many ask whether there are ways to make it happen faster. I mean, besides actually creating engaging content for your audience, because that's just too much work for some people.

This is where the idea of SEO, or search-engine optimization, comes into play. Regardless of what that terminology actually means, what it means to most people who use it is, "How can I get more money without having to actually improve my product?" The goal is not to create better content that more people will want, but to market it more so that the number of people exposed to it increases. Online marketing is all about getting your clicks. Even if only 1% of people witnessing the content would care at all about it, simply getting more people to look at it improves the chances that the content can be profitable. This is the nature of the beast.

Now, we're all guilty of this to a degree. Even if your work online is a labor of love, you want people to see it, right? And if you're creating content that potentially helps people, you'll want the most people possible to be helped by it. This is why we use tags and keywords, so that people who actually want our content can find it more easily.

The dark side of SEO is where business-oriented minds try to drive more traffic to their site even if they have nothing to offer most of the people visiting. It's all about getting their clicks, their page impressions, and eventually, their revenue from advertisers. To many of these folks, it's not about the content; it's just a toy to make money.

So, where do I sit in all this? Obviously this blog is made for my own personal amusement first and foremost. Even so, I put advertising on it. I tag my posts and share around social networks to bring in more traffic. I even briefly tried a post-sponsoring program (which I quit after realizing how many of the sponsors were hocking worthless garbage).

I think what I'm saying is, it would be nice if we could all just do things we love and not worry about income. In fact, it would all be easier for me if I didn't have debt and the cost of living hanging over my head. But there is little room for art in a world of want. I'd love to just write and develop games and draw independently at my own pace, but I need money. I need to not be a burden on my family. I can't do the starving artist thing like a spoiled post-adolescent while my parents take care of my financial problems for me.

And so, I give in to stress, and I worry about the future. Of course, worry kills more people than work, as you may have heard. Really, my problems could be solved if I would just be that enterprising guy who will do whatever it takes to make money, but I'm just too stupid and stubborn. If I can't do a thing for the love of it, I feel rotten and hollow. I can't work effectively like that; I'm of no use to anyone if I feel like a sellout. Hell, if I just robbed a bank I could solve my present money problems, just as I could if I just keep leeching off my family. The issue is not whether I can do it, but whether I can do it and still live with myself.

Wow, this got much longer than I expected. Sorry, I didn't mean to keep you. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm still working on it. I was going to say something about independent game development but this post has grown all out of control.

So, the job hunt will continue. If or when I have updates on my various other projects (the games, the webcomics, the novel) I'll share them here. In the meantime, I expect I won't get any money here through amateur SEO nonsense, but just in case:

Facebook, penis enlargement, Bank of America, online dating, lose weight fast, earn money from home...

...are all topics I will talk about in future posts. I mean, you know, eventually, probably, if I get around to it. Or not. Either way.

Peace and love, you gorgeous readerfolk.

Just a bit of irony

A little while ago, I decided to change the comment settings on this blog. Rather than requiring a log-in, it would allow anyone to leave a comment anonymously if they wanted to. The intention was to make this place a little friendlier. The actual result was my having to deal with a barrage of spam comments, which has made me feel decidedly less friendly.

Anyway, I may leave it as-is a bit longer, but if this continues, I may just have to switch it back to requiring an account or word verification. I realize that could be a bit of a pain for actual readers, but it's a much bigger pain for me to moderate all the spam comments coming in each day.

So, to any new readers who may happen upon this little blog of mine, if I come across as unfriendly to you, that's just because my mood has been so soured by the parasitic scum of the Internet that my overall opinion of the human race has necessarily been impacted. There comes a point when I simply don't care that much what you have to say anymore. Even so, there are a few people out there who still give me hope. I should be thanking them every day for that, and I probably would if it didn't seem like such an odd thing to bring up in conversation. "Good friend, I just wanted to say thank you for helping me believe that human society may not actually rip itself apart with greed and apathy. At least not this week."

To those of you who are reading this now, thank you. If you ever wanted to leave a comment but felt it was inconvenient, I apologize, but let's face it: on my blog, what I have to say is more important anyway.

I guess that's all. Peace and love, all you reader people.

Just wanted to talk about an indie game

I haven't talked about Lone Survivor before now. Probably because tonight was only my second time playing it. I don't take to survival horror well, apparently. Or maybe I take to it too well. I'll get to that. The point is, this is a game I will likely reference a lot in the future and say "See, this is how survival horror games should be made, and this is why."

Now, I'm not going to write a review on this. For one thing, more credible gaming-columnist-types have reviewed this fine piece of indie gaming before. For another, I've only logged just over an hour, and I play very slowly, so I can't exactly review the product as a whole.

(image borrowed without permission from pocketgamer.co.uk, because come on, it's not like they made it)

So, why am I going so slowly through the game? Well, aside from being a bit of a wimp, I seem to worry a great deal about the main character's well-being. Really, that's a good thing for a horror game. A lot of modern "survival horror" games are really just action games with creepy monsters, because that's what big developers think people want.

Here's the thing: you do encounter and sometimes fight monsters in this game, but in the time I've played, one of the more unsettling parts of the game in my opinion has been the creeping dread that my character is going to slowly starve to death because he's been stuck in this apartment building for a week and has barely found any food. That's putting emphasis on the "survival" in survival horror.

Tonight, I ate the last of the beef jerky I found the other day and was still hungry shortly thereafter. I tracked down several cans of goods but was without a can-opener. Meanwhile, my character complains constantly of hunger and is acting delirious. I wound up popping some mysterious pills out of desperation. You can't imagine the wave of relief I felt after fighting my way to a neighbor's kitchen, where I found the sought-after can opener, and a fresh ham. Never in my life have I been so elated by the sight of ham. Now, if only any of the ovens in the building were working...

That brings me to the other half of what's great about this: there really is no clear metric for how well your character is doing. You know you need food to survive, but don't know how much is enough or when the hunger will go from a minor annoyance to a mortal concern. The same is true of sleep. You know the pills you find can probably be useful, but it's not clear how, and they probably have nasty side-effects. You know monsters will hurt you but you don't know how much. Your odds of survival are always an unknown.

On the other hand, you're keenly aware of the amount of charge remaining in your flashlight, the number of bullets left for your gun, and the number of edible food items you've located, all of which are ever dwindling. Well, at least there's a stuffed animal I can tell my woes to.

So, to my point: many games are popular because the player gets the opportunity to control a powerful avatar and go on epic adventures. But when you're making a survival horror game, you want to go the other direction and make the player feel relatively powerless. Cowering in the dark, eating rice pudding and talking to your stuffed animal might not sound like great fun, but it makes for a very engaging horror experience.

Obviously, this can be tricky, because if a game makes the player feel too powerless and lost, they'll just get frustrated. That's why it's important to remember the power of that fresh ham in the refrigerator. Those little moments of hope can keep the player going. Couple that with a story that is slow to betray the secrets of the world we're trying to survive in, and you'll keep players intrigued and emotionally invested in the game.

Anyway, that's about all I wanted to say tonight. Hopefully I'll have something more universally engaging to talk about soon. In the meantime, I need sleep.

Peace and love, you wonderful reader people. May life hand you a fresh delicious ham when you least expect it.

Just a quick one-off about guns

I hope my previous post regarding gun control didn't give anyone the impression that I think I'm somehow above discussing gun control or guns in general. Really, I love to shoot my mouth off about guns. I do it all the time. Just about anything can trigger it. You could almost say the urge to talk about guns is semi-automatic. It's always a barrel of laughs though, and the people I discuss it with are of the highest caliber. I've had so many engauging conversations on the subject, it's hard to keep stock of them all. I'd have to rifle through my chat logs to give you a solid number, butt I almost always make a strong bullet point, and my reasoning is nigh impossible to assault. Remington.

Just remembered I linked here from Monster.com

Yeah, that turned out to not be a great idea.

Well, on the bright side, I talked to a recruiter today who thoroughly surprised me by being genuinely helpful. I can't think of another recruiter I've talked to lately that I could say that about.

I'm not sure whether this was genuinely a factor, but even so, I kind of wish that everyone I meet in my professional life could be just getting back from a vacation when I talk to them. I think most people are in a better state of mind in that time period. I'm just speculating, of course.

Just a bit on why we need more gun control

I find that the fun of reading an article online is easily spoiled by people who have not done so, but feel the need to leave their self-important gripes in the comment section anyway.

I hate all the hyperbole associated with it anyway. The loudest gun control advocates live in some kind of fantasy land where violent psychopaths somehow can't circumvent the law to hurt people, and the loudest gun control opponents have the kind of unresolved rage issues that make me unwilling to trust them with lethal firearms. If I ever want to talk about gun control, it'll be with the quiet reasonable people that never get the attention of lawmakers.

In truth, though, this post has nothing to do with gun control. I don't even want more gun control legislation in this country, I just wanted to see how many people would fire off a comment as soon as they caught the title. That's what this rant is actually about: paying attention.

What actually sparked this post was an article on Kotaku about a game in development on Facebook. I don't care about the game much, but I found the subject matter kind of interesting. Then I got to the comments section and was reminded that I share my gaming passion with a lot of really immature people.*

*: As obnoxious as most of the anti-Facebook comments were, there is certainly an argument to be made for why game developers should not turn to Facebook as a gaming platform. That argument was not being made effectively by any of those people, but that's besides the point. At least their thoughtless complaints were relevant.

One comment really jumped out at me. In addition to refusing to play any game on Facebook for poorly defined reasons, the person said they're not interested in playing that type of game on a keyboard (which is a valid concern), and then the question that made me furrow my brow in disappointment  They asked whether the game will be available elsewhere.

You may justly wonder why that disappointed me. If you didn't read the article (much as this person didn't), you are likely unaware that the writer of the article specifically said "It'll eventually be on Android and iOS."

You know what will always make you look bad? Asking a question that was answered moments before you asked it.

The writer of the article also mentioned that the game was made with Flash 11, "which should one day support an Xbox-style controller." So, while the commenter's point about preferring to play such a game with a controller is a valid one, it likely won't be for long.

Really, I can't comprehend how people take part in behavior like this without even realizing it. Consider this: if you were talking to me in real life, and I decided to ignore the key points of what you were saying, because I was just waiting for you to take a breath and allow me to express the opinion I already had in mind, would you value my input? You'd probably just think I was a rude, egocentric person and you'd stop talking to me.

This is just one of those things about the human condition that always baffles me. It's like when professionals stress that their employees should display "active listening" skills. Active listening is not a skill, it's a basic component of human communication. It's what separates the beautiful art and science of human discussion from, say, the instinctive guttural bleating of sheep.

I guess it's to be expected somewhat. I've heard of studies about how people on average have much shorter attention spans these days. I mean, I've heard bits of them; I never bothered to follow through and hear the whole thing. I think that in itself may legitimize the findings, though.

This is part of the reason only a select few of you are still reading these words right now. I would applaud you for sticking with me, but I kind of thought the act of reading words for any length of time stopped being an impressive feat sometime after the Dark Ages.

At any rate, I thank you for your attention, and I hope you appreciate the point of this post. The act of commenting should not be a one-way process. You're meant to take in information as well as expel your own thoughts. So, the next time somebody tries to talk to you, but makes it clear that they don't care enough to pay attention to you, let them know in no uncertain terms:

If you can't actively listen in a discussion, then nobody is going to listen to you either.
If you don't care what I think, why the hell would I care what you think?

That's all for now. Peace and love, my wonderful readerkin.

Just capping off the year

The year is drawing to a close. We're deep into December, and as we speak, snow is dumping down onto my home by the foot. I don't have anything in particular to talk about, but I felt like writing a bit, so here we go.

First of all, you may have noticed that the world has in fact not ended yet. I'm sure those of you who bought into the rumor about the Mayan calendar feel silly now, but don't worry, I promise not to rub your foolishness in your face. I'll just never to speak to you again. There are plenty of gullible people in my life already, thank you.

On a happier note, the holidays have been overall pretty fun. I have eaten entirely too much food in the past week and my insides are starting to punish me for it. Most people complain about how their families drive them crazy. I kind of wish my family weren't such nice people so I'd have an excuse to be a bitter cynic this time of year too. Instead, I just look like a dick. At least I gave out presents in my Santa hat again. It's a welcome distraction from having to talk to people.

I still have no job. If anybody could suggest a line of work I would be well suited for in the Albany-Schenectady region, go for it. Better yet, if any of you happen to know somebody who works at Vicarious Visions, have them contact me so I'll know who I should grovel and beg to. Sexual favors are off the table, though. I'm not single anymore.

I was just considering making a new year's resolution as a way to motivate myself to become a better person in the coming year. Then I remembered that I rarely accomplish things I set out to, especially when it comes to those new year resolutions. So, with that in mind, my resolution for 2013 is to be a lazy pathetic slob who mooches off his parents like a pitiful man-child. The best-case scenario is now that I break my resolution, which I always do. The worst-case scenario is that I keep my resolution, and I'll at least be able to say I finally kept one. I somehow doubt my parents or girlfriend will appreciate that silver lining, but who could blame them?

Well, that's enough for now. I hope you all had a decent year. May the year 2013 be even kinder to you. Peace and love, readerkin.

Just a bit about "Facebook Jail"

UPDATE:
I dug up something from Facebook help related to this.

What types of behavior does Facebook identify as abusive?

• Feature overuse: There are limits to restrict the rate at which you can use features on the site. Overusing features is not allowed because it may make other people feel annoyed or unsafe.

Why are there limits?

Facebook has limits in place to prevent abuse of our features and to protect users from potential spam or instances of harassment.

What are the rate limits?

Unfortunately, Facebook cannot provide any specifics on the rate limits that are enforced. Please know that the threshold at which you are warned is not a specific number, but rather determined by different factors, such as speed, time, and quantity. 

Before today, I had never heard of the term "fb jail." Maybe because I'm not an insufferable dolt who is so addicted to Facebook that my behavior could be confused with that of a bot created by the soulless engineers employed by some evil viral marketing company. But, I'll try not to jump to conclusions there. Let's have a more in-depth look at this, shall we?

What is it?

The person who used the term offered no clear context as to its meaning. I had to do some digging to figure out what they were talking about. From what I can gather, "fb jail" (or "Facebook jail" if you're not too god damn busy to type the entire name of the social networking service you have a crippling addiction to) refers to a security measure that was apparently set up by Facebook staff to curb the activity of spammers on their site. Essentially what happens is the system places a temporary lock on your profile. You can still log in and read things as usual, but can no longer "Like" pages, add friends or comment on anything until the lock expires.

As I think back on my experience with Facebook in the past, I may have experienced this once or twice. I clicked "Like" on a page or something but the change did not take effect. At the time I chalked it up to my Internet connection acting up. It really was not a big deal, and everything was back to normal in a matter of minutes, so I never considered it a problem. In fact, if I had been made aware that it was an anti-spam measure, I'd actually appreciate that and be glad such measures are in place. I hate seeing spammers on Facebook, so anything that can hamstring their ability to market their worthless crap to me is a welcome addition.

However, it seems some people experience this anti-spam measure so frequently that they are actually enraged by it. They think Facebook is wrong to use this measure, and they gave it the oh-so-catchy nickname "fb jail" to rally more hatred toward it. I'm guessing most of these people either don't understand the purpose of the measure or simply don't care. They want to be able to Like as many pages as they want, to friend as many people they don't know as they wish, and to make as many comments as they desire in the span of a few minutes.

I sincerely doubt anybody who incurs the effects of the anti-spam measures on a regular basis because of their incessant activity could possibly have anything to say that is worth hearing, so I personally have no problem with them losing their ability to comment for a while. But, I'll play devil's advocate for a bit:

Why is it no good?

While an anti-spam measure that effectively forces social networking addicts to take a break and do something else with their pointless lives for a few minutes is hilarious to me, it really is ill-advised on Facebook's part. I would cite the anger being fostered in their users, but let's be honest: that's only an issue for Facebook if those people would quit over their anger, and that's not going to happen. They've bitched and moaned their way through every change Facebook has made in close to a decade; they're here to stay.

So, here's a more important point: users who experience the lock-out have developed ways around it using personal pages and the like. If they can do it, I'm sure spammers could do something similar, so this measure is sadly not working. An anti-spam measure that affects actual people and can be circumvented is simply not a good enough solution to go on using.

What would be a better solution?

My suggestion: if a user is acting in such a way as to trigger anti-spam measures in the system, instead of silently locking them out, throw up a security dialog to verify them. Just give it a little message like,
"Hey, you're kind of overloading our system with all your activity. Could you just take a second and prove you're an actual human and not a computer program serving evil marketing demons?" 
Then ask them a question only an actual person could respond to. If they pass, let them go about their business, at least for 10 minutes or so before triggering again. If they trigger this enough times but fail the question, put a more permanent lock on their account but let them know how they can get it lifted (in the event that a person's account has been hacked). If they trigger this a lot yet still prove their humanity each time, refer them to an addiction support group in their region.

As for what the security question would be, anything along the lines of "Mother's maiden name" could potentially be accessed by hackers, or set up by whoever created a bot account, so that wouldn't work. I'm personally a fan of CAPTCHAs, but they may experience some of the same problems. I've definitely been on sites where a CAPTCHA popped up that not even a human could decipher.

Closing comments:

So, in truth, maybe there isn't a much better solution right now. I'd recommend trying a CAPTCHA for a while and seeing whether it does a decent job of controlling spam. Users will inevitably start complaining that they now have to answer a CAPTCHA while they're browsing Facebook, but those users are self-entitled fuckwits and nobody really cares what they think anyway.

Actually, I take it back. What I'd really recommend is people not using Facebook so excessively in the first place. (And changing your password from time to time to avoid hacking.) Seriously, I understand that not being able to use Facebook for a little while can be frustrating, but you're not entitled to its use every waking moment of every day. It's a free web application that the proprietors of Facebook provide on their own terms. They are under no obligation to tailor it to your personal needs. The changes they do make are usually to try and improve your experience anyway, such as anti-spam measures to keep that crap from showing up and spoiling your day. The fact that you demand even more from them all the time just makes you sound like a spoiled child. You can't walk into McDonald's and demand they make the McRib available year round and expect to be taken seriously. You can't go to Facebook and demand they run their web-based business on your terms either.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to say on that. If you have never experienced this "fb jail" thing yourself, congratulations on having a life outside your smartphone and computer. Everyone else, seriously, get over yourselves. If you want a social network that runs exactly how you want, get some programmer friends from college and make your own. Otherwise, chill out and try to remember there's more to life than Likes and status updates.

Peace and love, readers.

Just a few thoughts on the End of Days

Let's ignore the fact that the Mayans never actually predicted an apocalypse, they just created a calendar that happens to end on a certain day. And let's ignore the fact that calendars are designed to be cyclical so a new one starts whenever the previous one ends.

Can anybody explain to me how any person can believe that the ancient Mayans would have known something that modern astronomers, physicists and geologists don't know? They confused Gods with the Spanish.

Meanwhile, people are freaking out, spreading word about a terrible apocalypse predicted by the wise and powerful Mayans, all while sharing a photo of a fucking Aztec artifact. What does that tell you?

--

This is just a lazy repost of something I wrote on Facebook, but this blog is being neglected and I felt bad. I'll have to come up with more to write soon. Peace and love, readerfolk.

Just a bit about personal politics

I'm still seeing political discussions on Facebook. Some are fairly civil, which is always nice to see. Of course, even some of the civil ones can be very presumptuous, and you know how that sets me off.

One opinion you'll here from good people on all sides is that being a democrat shouldn't preclude you from being friends with a republican, and vice versa. Most people I respect share this idea. They will simply say that whatever you may believe, politics are personal, and they shouldn't get in the way of your friendships.

Regarding that point, though, I actually heard somebody make a compelling argument for why your personal politics do matter. According to this person, politics are important because they're a matter not just of pride, but of the fate of our country. Apparently, hardcore liberals and conservatives have such drastically different plans for our country, our very way of life is at stake, because liberals plan to give the federal government so much power that it will inevitably take away all of our civil liberties.

Since the person who made the above point clearly has all the answers, obviously, this must mean that conservatives are people with good moral values who want to protect liberty, and liberals are morally bankrupt fools who want to create an Orwellian police state so they can have free healthcare and abortions, and sit at home numbing themselves with legalized marijuana while the iron fist of Big Brother Obama crushes everything about America that we hold dear.

I like it. This view of things is nice and simple. It eliminates all the messy complications and doubt that arise from approaching politics on a personal level rather than on the level of an entire movement.

There's certainly no way that any conservative politicians are selling their political influence to private interests for their own personal gain, slowly compromising the integrity of the government as it becomes more and more controlled by money rather than morals. And there are certainly no heartless, bloodthirsty warmongers in the party who treat citizens of the very country they claim to love with the kind of boundless contempt and fury usually reserved for someone who fucked your girlfriend and your mother in a three-way over the corpse of your dog and then sent a DVD of the event to all of your closest friends.

Of course, there is similarly no possibility that some liberals believe there should be a strong federal government in place for the purpose of actually protecting people's liberties and well-being from individuals and corporations who would seek to exploit the law to control the poor and the weak. It's entirely impossible that a person branded with the name "liberal" could in fact love their country and its people and wish to work together with the rest of government to better serve them.

Nope, they all just wanna control us, and the conservatives are fighting them to preserve the American dream.

Naturally, there are also people at the other end of the spectrum, who believe all conservatives are brainless, bible-thumping toothless morons who will vote for any corrupt, filthy rich, human-trafficking, Gevenva-Convention-violating, black-hearted Sith lord so long as he loves guns and says the word "freedom" enough. On the other hand, they figure all liberals must be highly-evolved, intellectually superior, free-spirited, omnipotent, angelic reincarnations of Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa (if they were atheists). This point of view has exactly as much evidence to support it as the opposite view does, and makes about as much logical sense.

As straightforward and attractive as this kind of political-label-based thinking can be, I'm mainly of the opinion that anybody who rides too hard on the "conservative" or "liberal" agenda is probably too willfully ignorant and full of indignant holier-than-thou attitude to be worth interacting with on more than a casual basis.

If anyone's going to get a bug up their ass and act like they're smarter than everyone else in the room, it should be a cynic like me. Everyone who "shoots from the hip" and "tells it like it is" is firing blind; at least I have the decency to admit that I speak from a place of well-intentioned ignorance. Plus, I sure can talk pretty when I want to, can't I?

I do know this though: amid all this bickering between the democrats and republicans, liberals and conservatives, the voices of reason and compassion get lost in the noise of war drums. Americans are essentially going to war with each other, even if it's only a war of words. Evidently, they don't realize that this process actually benefits none of us in the American public. All the squabbling and mudslinging does nothing to secure our energy independence, protect us from terrorist threats, stabilize the economy, protect our civil liberties, encourage technological progress, prevent or reverse global climate change (you know, if you believe the word of countless scientists and climate experts all over the world), or really do anything else to improve our lives. It's a giant distraction; nothing more. As long as we have somebody to place the blame on, we won't worry too much about the rest.

On the other hand, do you know who benefits quite a bit from all this political banter? Politicians. The two big parties still control our entire government, both on the federal and state levels. Independent or third-party candidates are rare, and have essentially no power to affect change. Congress has had a staggeringly low approval rating in recent years, yet many incumbent candidates got reelected all over the country. Why on earth would we keep voting for the same people we claim to think are doing a lousy job? Only morons like Todd Akin who found a way to stand out from the crowd and make themselves targets were voted out. Everyone who kept quiet and stuck to their party's platform saved their jobs.

I hear plenty of people talking about how awful the choices are in the elections, yet nobody makes an effort to find someone better. A lot of people genuinely didn't like either of the big two presidential candidates this year, but they still cast their vote for one of them, thinking it would be the lesser of two evils, and that somehow voting for any third-party candidate would be a waste of their vote.

I'm sorry, but how fucking stupid can the American people really be? The parties told us that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney were our choices. We didn't pick them; the veteran members of those parties chose them. Even the political primaries are a joke; Republicans were given a handful of unlikable political riff-raff to pick from, and they picked the least of those evils to advance to the main election. How do more people not stand up in the middle of this mess and go "Is this the best we could come up with?"

At this point, I just think there's no point in fighting over how best to protect the foundations of American democracy. They're already gone. Our votes are bought and paid for. Millions upon millions of dollars were collected out of the pockets of political power-players and a sea of hapless gullible idiots, and they were spent on ad campaigns to convince us that our vote matters, yet simultaneously tell us who we are supposed to vote for. I'm not just talking about actual advertising segments, either. Network anchors and editorial commentators on cable news feed us the exact same information. I'm not sure if they're actually being paid off, or if they're just as gullible as the people they broadcast to.

It's pathetic and despicable, but even I'm complicit in all this. After all, I didn't really research candidates who might actually work to take the influence of private money and blind partisan loyalty out of political decision-making. I was too busy with whatever else I do with my life to set time aside for the future of my country, or my state for that matter. When I went in to vote on Tuesday, half my ballot was blank because I didn't want to vote for local politicians I knew nothing about, but not voting is almost as bad as voting uninformed.

In regards to the actual presidential election, I cast a vote for the Libertarian candidate. While I do agree with the vast majority of his platform, the vote was less out of loyalty for him and more out of contempt for mainstream politics. Hell, a couple of weeks ago, I still couldn't remember the man's name, and after this week, it's unlikely anybody else will either.

Well, this has gotten awfully long-winded. If I had a point to make with all this, it's simply the following: people who take politics so seriously as to cut off ties with friends they disagree with are irredeemable fucking morons. Politics, American or otherwise, are a stupid sick joke, and like most things we do as a human race, they should not be taken too seriously. It only makes us look foolish in the long run.

Anyway, if I offended anybody with this rant of mine, I do apologize. Not for anything I said, but for your inability to get your head out of your ass, metaphorically speaking. Life's too short to go on bickering over crap like this. In truth, I've given it more thought than it deserves at this point, and I wish I hadn't. So, maybe I do apologize for that much.

Verbosity is another thing I can't stand; you probably wouldn't guess that by reading this.

Instead of arguing over ideologies with people who have even less insight than I do, I think I'm better off just living the best life I can. I'm not quite sure how to do that, mind you; this life is still a work in progress, so there's time to figure it out. I'd just appreciate it if we could all learn to treat each other with the kind of respect we wish to be treated with. Nobody has all the right answers; most people don't even have a few of them.

I just want us all to remember that societies only work through cooperation, and drawing battle lines in the sand with labels like conservative and liberal only hurt our ability to thrive.

Now, I know we can't all just get along. Drama is inherent in our nature as human beings. I'm too hopeful to be a realist, but I hate entirely too many people to be a pacifist. I just hope we can figure out a way to live side by side without being at each other's throats day and night. We'll never get world peace, but I'd settle for that much.

Those are my thoughts for now. I'll sign off before this turns into a damn book instead of a post. I'll follow up later if my muse should strike me over the head again. Until then, peace and love, readers. And just for laughs:

Ron Paul 2016

Just a quick thought

YOLO:

Abbreviated slang term meaning "you only live once."

I really hate that term. Why do people who say it always think it means to do something reckless? If you only have one life to live, why the hell would you throw it away on childish impulses?

Maybe because the only people who say YOLO are stupid, pleasure-seeking man-children who couldn't find real meaning in their lives if the lord almighty Himself came down on a cloud and bitch-slapped the taste out of their stupid mouths.

Just a quick thought. Peace and love, dear readers. And if you see some misguided young man talking about his swag, remind him how stupid he looks.

Just annoyed with people right now

For some reason, the Obama campaign shared this story on Facebook a little while ago. Apparently they expect it to be uplifting and inspiring. I just find it confounding and infuriating, and the comments are even worse. One guy states: "I know it's not much, but donating $5 [to the Obama campaign] made me feel really good about myself."

...Why?

Maybe I'm naive, but why do people who donated a few dollars to a political campaign say they feel good about themselves? They shouldn't. Really. The only way they should feel worse is if they donated more than a few dollars.

Even if you honestly believe that Obama is the best person for the job of the Presidency right now, answer this: how does that $5 help him win the election? It's not as if your vote is multiplied by the number of dollars you sent in. All you're paying for is more brain-dead political ads to bother me while I'm eating dinner. You're buying another bottle of seltzer for the clowns in the three-ring circus we call a political system. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Here's a sad dose of reality for you: at this point in the race, anybody who hasn't made up their mind already is not going to be swayed by political advertising. Hence, you wasted your money.

And yet, scores of people feel good about the money they've thrown away on political campaigns. If you donated $5 to Obama's political campaign, or worse yet feel somehow moved by stories about working class people giving up a pizza dinner so they can instead give to the campaign, you should be ashamed of yourself. This comes straight from that letter to Obama: $15 could have bought that nice family a fun pizza dinner, fresh fruit, or helped pay for tickets to a show they could enjoy together. Instead, that money went to paying for the incompetent political machine that pesters me incessantly with its propaganda. That political machine, by the way, is in no danger of running out of money anytime soon either.

If you want to help Obama win so badly, then inform yourself about his policies and his opponents' policies, discuss the issues with friends and family, and help get the word out. Hell, you can have local rallies for him if you really want.

But some of you can't be bothered with all that, can you? Instead you just throw a couple dollars his way so you can feel like you did something good to make a difference. Throwing money at a problem is a stereotypical lazy American way to handle things, and it's a big part of the reason the world doesn't take us seriously. Can you blame them? Actions like this make us look positively pathetic.

Of course, all this is ignoring the fact that nobody even knows about the presidential candidates in other parties beyond the big two, and I've heard virtually no one place any emphasis on voting for their own representatives at the local and state levels, or even the people who are supposed to represent them in Congress, but those are glaring issues for another time.

When our people are more committed to obtaining the new iPhone than to making an informed choice about the people who control our government, it's time to throw our hands up and let England reclaim control of their former colony. Sure, they've been having a collective panic attack over Kate Middleton being photographed topless, so they aren't the picture of common sense right now either, but it's clear now that we really can't handle running a country any better than they can.

So, that's all I'll say for tonight. I apologize for the negative tone, but I really needed to get all of that off my chest. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood after the election season is over.

Peace and love, dear readers. Oh, and if you'd like support my own campaign to become future president of the United States, send me as little as $5 to express your support, as well as your sick sense of bizarre irony.

Just a word about the robot uprising

I heard guys on my favorite radio show talking about this today. Here's a video to accompany the discussion, because robots are cool:


So, here's the thing: a lot of people seem to think that because of these advances we've had in artificial intelligence, such as with things like Cleverbot, Watson, iPhone's Siri, and all the videogames that exist, somehow we are closer to reaching a day where our science fiction nightmares come true and intelligent robots start taking over the world.

I'll be perfectly up-front about this: it's not going to happen. Robots can potentially be dangerous if created by dangerous people with bad intentions, but a robot or computer cannot be self-aware and decide to make its mission in existence to wipe out the human race.

A guy who called into the radio show made the stupidest, most herculean leap in logic I've heard from anybody who claims to understand computers. (For the uninitiated, I do have a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science now, so I at least have some excuse for being a boastful know-it-all about this stuff) The caller referenced a computer built back in the 90s which, after being taught the basic rules of Backgammon, was then left to run and play the game over and over until it taught itself how to be good at Backgammon. He then said that, since this was easy enough to achieve, all we needed to do for a robot to become self-aware is to teach it the concept of things, and then it can set about learning all things from the Internet, thus gaining mastery of all human knowledge.

There are two problems with that logic. First, the simpler one: Backgammon is not that complicated. A computer with decent AI can certainly learn to play a board game like that in this way, and it's not surprising. The thing is, the real world has way more rules and countless variables to keep track of. This is why the above robot video is so impressive: the mere act of walking around on four legs is a terribly intricate and difficult process for a computer to handle. It took very talented engineers a long time to carefully design programs that could direct that robot through a real environment. Now, just imagine if the robot had to not only walk around, but use tools, communicate, find paths through more difficult terrain, and even fight, all while remembering that if it turns on its human caretakers, it'll need to find its own source of power to run its engine.

Secondly, the much more damning point: computers, as they exist today, cannot learn concepts. Period. The very notion of teaching a robot the concept of things, or any concept at all, is absurd sci-fi stuff. Everything that we see computers do today that seems intelligent, whether it's Watson schooling people at trivia games, Siri answering our questions, or Cleverbot creepily flirting with us and getting vulgar for no clear reason, all of those things are accomplished through logical algorithms, dealing purely in numbers.

Watson can pull the name Agatha Christie from its database to answer a question, but it has no idea who Agatha Christie is, or even that the letters that make up that name are supposed to signify anything in the first place. It's just following its logic trees and trying to pull likely correct responses to the query; it's just a step up from Googling the question.

At least as they exist today, computers cannot understand a concept, they cannot learn much beyond what they've been programmed to learn, and they cannot have motivations of their own because they have no mind. So, as I said, if some mad scientist wants to create a diabolical killing machine robot army, they may do so, but those robots will never doing anything beyond what they were created to. I won't say that intelligent machines are impossible, but they would need to be created from something drastically different than the simple digital logic machines we use today.

So, that's that. I hope I put a few of your fears to rest. You're a lot more likely to be killed by your dish washer or your toaster than your computer, at least for the foreseeable future. So, relax and enjoy technology, because it's not plotting our downfall. It's here to serve us, just as it was made to.

Peace and love, readers.

Just unsure of how much to say

Unhappy news first: I'm not getting that job with Vicarious Visions. I didn't make the cut, and frankly I don't blame them. The proficiency test just served to prove how unproficient (inproficient?) I am. So, the search for steady employment, or employment of any kind really, continues. There will be more on that as it develops. I have hopes for another company that I'm somewhat less excited about, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Ourselves? Who are these plural selves I just referenced? It's only me here. Anyway...

For once, something wonderful is going on in my life that I'm not eager to share every detail of just yet. I'd just like to comment in general for now on the phenomenon known as "young love." Even now, it's sort of bizarre to me. There's a surreal, improbable, even unnatural feeling to all of it. Perhaps I'm tainted, or just overly cautious, but I find it hard to truly enjoy without careful examination.

For someone like me, who has only on a few occasions been involved with someone in any romantic capacity, it's hard to ignore this nagging fear: as much as I may like the person I am with in that moment, how do I know that this feeling I have isn't just a sort of relief at no longer being alone?

Really, any form of love is a good thing; I've always been an advocate of this concept. Whether it's fleeting or long-term, casual or committed, straight or gay, friend or family; it's all good.

What troubles me is the suspicion that, if there were another girl sitting by my side, her head resting on my shoulder as we hold hands, I would for the most part feel the exact same way. If this were true, it would mean that what I felt was not truly love for this one person, but for the mere idea of no longer being alone. Essentially, it would be love of the concept of loving, and of being loved.

Basically, I want to know for certain that this special person is just that. I need to believe that I haven't just been drawn to her for lack of other options. She is a terrific person; I have no doubt about that, and I certainly liked her before I had any sort of romantic or sexual thoughts about her. That's at least reassuring.

Well, as usual, I'm over-thinking things. If I think she's a great person, and want to spend more time with her, then what else is there to worry about? I really just need to relax. It would be easier if she were sitting here now. At least, I think it would be.

Actually, yes, I'm sure it would be.

So yeah, I'm worried over nothing. Still, I'm glad I at least thought about it. I can ultimately be more secure in my feelings that way. And hey, maybe someone reading this feels better as well. That would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

That's all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.

Just thought I should mention

My life really isn't as miserable as I portray it here sometimes. This can't be overstated: I have a great family, and some very wonderful friends. Yesterday was absurdly fun.

I'm unfortunately feeling a little sickly today, so I won't be able to adequately tell the story. For now, suffice to say that I had the pleasure of hanging out with some of the coolest people I know. Among other things, we watched a good movie, ate good food, talked about a variety of silly things, climbed a tree, and did that silly thing where you lay in the grass in a circle. It's a shame we didn't have an aerial camera; it probably looked very amusing.

Anyway, aside from that, I got some nice news today, but it's not set in stone and I'd rather not jinx myself, so I'll get into that next week sometime.

I also kind of want to use the "boobs" tag on this post, but am having a tough time coming up with a good reason for it. You'd think there would always be a reason for boobs.

So yeah, life is good. I need to take more time out to acknowledge that. Also, to climb more trees.

Peace and love, readers.

Just looked at my spam folder

There were some 300 unmoderated spam comments sitting in there, on pretty much every post on this blog, most from the same automated spammer account. As far as I can tell, that account has been deleted, but those comments remained.

Now, ordinarily I wouldn't lose sleep over this kind of thing, even though I actually ranted about these viral marketing idiots before. I will briefly reiterate my feelings on them: if you work at a company that relies on spam bots to market itself, you work for pathetic idiots and you are yourself a waste of human life. If I was given a choice between saving your life or the life of a mosquito, I'd choose the mosquito because, unlike you, its existence contributes to the global ecosystem in some small way.

What makes this awful is that, because of the sheer torrent of spam comments, I've never bothered to even look through them before. As a result, somebody made a legitimate comment on a post of mine a while ago, and it went unpublished until now because I never knew it existed. It was buried in piles of filth in my spam folder.

You know, I really don't want to lose faith, but when it becomes possible for a real person to be silenced by overzealous spam filters, because spammers have gotten so out of control that they pose a real threat to productivity, it really makes me feel awful for the state of humanity.

I can't state this enough: humanity prospers through community and cooperation. That is the only way. If you bother or even harm other people for your own gains, you are a blight upon all that makes the human race great. It's taken us so long just to come this far, and still selfish people will tear down all that we hold dear just to make themselves a little bit more comfortable.

Now, I realize it seems silly for me to say all that about something as common and (mostly) benign as spammers, but this is just the final straw. Spammers are only one minor nuisance, but they're part of a systemic breakdown of our most treasured values. I see the tentacles of the human Id grasping at everything and everyone I care about. Half of the time, people don't even realize what they're doing is hurting others. The other half of the time, they simply do not care. It turns my stomach, and I can't bear to shut up about it.

Anyway, I'm sorry this has been kind of a downer. Obviously I'm in a bit of a depressed state lately, what with the mostly fruitless job search, my student loan debt, and all the unrelenting stress and drama of politics. I really should just unplug for a few days; stay off the Internet, away from the TV and radio.

The one bright side is that I have real friends now who always seem to renew my faith in people. In times like these, I can't forget about them, or anyone else I care about.

Alright, that's enough of that. I'll try to find something fun to talk about next time. Peace and love, readers.

Just need to rant

I just can't stay quiet on this. My brain feels like it's going to explode.

Look, sometime last week or the week before, whenever, I heard people talking about this video clip of President Obama giving a speech and saying something like, "If you own a business, you didn't build that." When I heard that, I thought, wow, I can't believe he'd say that. And I really didn't. What's more, I knew he wouldn't have actually said something like that. Do you know why? Because he's not a fucking idiot. We're just a few months short of the election. Obama wouldn't go out on the campaign trail and commit career suicide with a blatant business-bashing comment like that. Nobody is that stupid.

So, I just assumed somebody was misinterpreting his words, which is prone to happen, and I let it go. I didn't care to hear anymore. If people want to hate Obama for no other reason than he is Obama, let them go right ahead. Never mind that there are a plethora of legitimate reasons to dislike Obama. Let them draw whatever twisted conclusions they want about his character and his motivations, and let none of it be based the slightest bit in reality. It's not like their gaining a newfound respect for common sense would cause them to shift their political leanings that much.

Hell, even I'm not voting for Obama. I flat-out refuse. The guy's overall been a failure; I have no doubt about that. Some of his measures with the healthcare and stimulus helped some people, sure, but he has no way to pay for that stuff. He couldn't reach across the isle and get Congress to compromise on legislation like he promised. He didn't close Guantanamo Bay, and as far as I can tell has no immediate plans to do so, despite telling us he'd have this done years ago. He got us out of Iraq on time but entrenched us even worse in other Middle East affairs. He basically seems like he's gunning for a record for the highest ever increase in national debt. That trophy should look great alongside the one for most enemy combatants blown to bits with unmanned drone strikes, which he is also winning.

And to top it all off, he signed that damn bill that would give the government the legal ability to indefinitely detain American citizens without trial if they are suspected of terrorism. Of course, he added at the bottom that his administration would never make use of this power. Forgive me if I don't trust you at your word, Barack.

But this... what happened with this video clip from the speech, what Fox News and Mitt Romney willfully did with this clip is so wildly unethical, I can't believe nobody from Obama's campaign or the White House has filed a law suit yet for slander. I was right all along. Surprise surprise, Obama didn't actually commit career suicide. He gave a speech saying that, basically, it takes a community. Even great leaders in business have people who help them, and everyone has to rely on some things like the nation's infrastructure. Shit, even Romney agrees with that. Here's a video, if you care to watch:


So... The actual line from the speech was: "Somebody invested [in] roads and bridges; if you've got a business, that- you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen." Now, he did misspeak a bit. I assume he meant, if you've got a business, you didn't build all that, or you didn't build those. He was referring to the aforementioned roads and bridges. If you wonder why I assume that, rather than assume he was talking about the businesses, I refer you to previous statements about him not being that stupid.

Well, guess what? Romney doesn't care about what he actually said. Fox News didn't care what he actually said. They saw an opportunity to lie right to our faces, and they took it. They cut the clip; they removed the start of the sentence when he mentions roads and bridges, so the clip they showed depicted Obama saying, "If you have a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen."

Honestly, I'm not sure what to be more upset about; the fact that they did this at all, or that they knew their viewers were fucking gullible enough to believe it. It's bad enough that those fucking scumbags would stoop so low as to actually blatantly lie in such an obvious way. Did they really just think, hell, the American people are stupid. Our viewers at Fox News are definitely stupid. They'll believe what we show them here because they already hate Obama. And then they'll get more outraged, and they'll tell all their friends and family how anti-business Obama is, and they'll spread the word and disparage him more and more, all based solely on a lie.

And you know the most fucked up part of all?

It. Fucking. Worked.

My own father fell for this bullshit. He trusted the words and the hack-job video clip from Fox News, and he believed the words of the pundits and radio personalities. He added this to his laundry list of superficial bullshit to hate about Obama, all the while blindly following the narrative that Romney is a brilliant business leader who will steer the country in the right direction. I'll concede that Romney may know how to personally succeed in business, but I will never fucking vote for a man who would lie straight to my face like this.

Look, I can't say this to his face. I love my dad. He is overall a good guy, a hard worker, a loving family man, and given the option, I wouldn't trade him in for anyone. He's the best I could hope for. But dammit... he is so fucking gullible when it comes to politics. I guess he gets it from his dad; the difference there is his dad is in the bag for liberals instead of conservatives. Maybe that kind of blind political gullibility runs in my family.

...That wouldn't quite explain me, though. I guess I do take more after Mom after all. In that case, I should really be on medication or something.

Anyway, that's all I had to say on that. I hope some of my loyal readers enjoyed my dose of vulgar enlightenment, and I hope the various nuts who make their way here from Google realize that I moderate comments, and I have no intention of giving a soapbox to anyone who's looking for a shouting match. If you have something smart to say, go ahead, but I'll be watching like the scornful know-it-all that I am.

So, yeah, on a happier note, at least when Romney is president I'll get to gloat and rub it in Dad's face when the country gets screwed all to hell, just as badly as it already has been. That's assuming, of course, that the ocean hasn't swallowed our house by then.

Peace and love, dear readers. Don't forget: hate is a sin. Practice patience and forgiveness. Hopefully I'll be able to do the same.

Dreams: Something precious

I just remembered a strange dream I had the other night. I figured it was worth reviving my dream research, but given how scarce these dream journal posts are, I figured I'll just merge them into this blog from now on. So...


I dreamed that I had found the tiniest, cutest white kitten you could ever possibly imagine. It was no bigger than a baby mouse, but fully developed (eyes open, walking on its own, and so on). This was happening at my house, apparently. I held the tiny kitten in my palm and admired it for a while. Suddenly, random huge animals seemed to be attacking from all around; bears, dogs, and I'm not sure what else. I went outside and starting running, all the while cradling the tiny kitten, trying to protect it, but somehow it slipped out of my hands. A huge dog ran to the place where I thought I had dropped it, but the dog kept running. I ran back to that spot, and on the ground, where I was sure the kitten had landed, there was a small, hairless, wrinkly, bloated creature. It looked like a fetus. It wasn't all gory or anything, just shriveled and hairless, lying in the fetal position. I knew it was dead before I even picked it up.


This kind of haunted me afterward. The dream was at least partially lucid. I had enough presence of mind to do the little walking-through-walls thing I do in lucid dreams a lot. When the dog ran toward the fallen kitten, I think I sort of willed it to keep on running without stopping, since that's what I was thinking. This is kind of just speculation, though. Also, I obviously did not choose the ending to that encounter.

The thing that haunts me about this dream is, I believe it says something about the way I think about the things (and perhaps people) that are precious to me. It's like that tiny dead fetus was saying to me, no matter what you do or where you go, the thing you care about most will slip from your grasp and disappear. It's... not a kind message from my subconscious.

Anyway, it's all still open to interpretation, I guess. I just hate to think this is how things turn out in my dreams, where I'm supposed to have all the control. Maybe it says something else that I'm not thinking of. If anybody has a theory on that, I'm happy to hear it. These dream posts are meant to be discussed, after all.

Just going to repost this

It's more relevant here anyway.

Hmm, so, the blog post with the most individual page views is one about opening up and sharing my personal feelings. The second most viewed is titled "I just accidentally electrocuted myself." I think I learned something about my readership tonight.

Also, a bit of brevity would probably go a long way here. I could update more frequently if I didn't write an entire diatribe each time. Hell, I could update even more frequently if I just remembered to do so. It's not as though I ever run out of thoughts.

More to come soon, I guess. Peace and love, reader-folk.

Just felt like opening up

I guess I'll go ahead and say this. If the person I'm talking about happens to read it, it'll at least save me some time.

There is somebody in my life I'm interested in getting closer to, but I have been holding back out of doubt. I'm convinced already that she's a great person and I'm a lucky guy for even knowing her. The concern is the same as always: I think I'm going to screw it up somehow. Intimacy is something I'm not good at, and even when I can briefly succeed at it, having a real relationship with somebody often entails them being able to count on you. Although I'm far from being impartial when it comes to judging the quality of my character, I'll be the first to tell you I'm a reasonably smart, funny guy who has the best of intentions and a lot of love to give. The main issue is that I'm utterly unreliable. I might come through when I'm needed sometimes, but if I have a relapse of depression... well, then I'm useless.

Aside from that, there are the plans I had been making for my future. Although nothing specific is lined up now, it has been my intention for a while now to get as far away from here as possible. As much as I love my family, I'd much rather be temporarily miserable and independent than complacently comfortable at home. At the very least, I should be finding a place that will be good for my career(s). The main thing holding me back from that now is that I would be leaving friends behind.

Most of my life, friendships have been things that were hastily formed when they were convenient. I tried to befriend people who were close by, and if they drifted away, or more likely I drifted away, I didn't try to stop it from happening. That's fairly normal to some extent, but I don't want to be that way. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be, but I still have some difficulty talking to people, especially new people. It's horribly intimidating, and for all the gorgeous linguistic skill I display for you, my dear readers, on this blog and elsewhere, I'm still hopelessly awkward in person.

Even more than that, though, the thought of losing touch with people I cared for simply hurts me to think about. It tears me up inside, yet I keep letting it happen. It's stupid, but this is part of the reason I don't like to ask out girls I'm interested in. Even if I manage to say the all right things for a while, eventually I'm going to screw up. I'm going to let myself slip into apathy and neglect them. Worse yet, I might tell them what I really think about them, which depending on how well I know them could either be the single kindest or cruelest thing I could ever do to them. I feel like I can't get close to the people I care about because I think I'm just too destructive to be trusted around them. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but... well, I can't help but see a pattern in my brief history on Earth.

I must sound like such a whiny dork by now. Well, my point, if I had one, is that I seem to be more comfortable when the girl makes the first move. It's tricky even then, but at least I can have some assurance that they not only like me so far, but were willing to go out on a limb to get closer to me. It's silly, I know. I'm a decent enough guy, with a good life, and great family and friends. I shouldn't be so damn insecure. The very fact that I worry this much about hurting the people I love puts me head-and-shoulders above some people I've met. I guess I'm just too impartially paranoid for my own good.

Anyway, I might as well say this while I have some tiny iota of manly confidence stored up:

Jess, if you're reading this, I was talking about you. I'm not about to ask you on a date, because the very idea of formal dating makes me roll my eyes. I'm not suggesting a huge step up in our relationship either; I love to take things slow. All I want right now is to see more of you. Take that how you will.

Alright, that wasn't so bad. Now, if I can just find the balls to actually send that message straight to her. Hmm... maybe next time.

Thanks for putting up with my awkwardness. Peace and love, dear readers.