I've been getting a lot less sure lately about what day of the week it is, and when I remember events from the past few days, I'm not totally certain what day they occurred. This could just be forgetfulness, or a side-effect of not having a serious schedule over the holidays. Still, I can't shake the feeling that I might be experiencing some kind of weird temporal displacement that is slowly unsticking me from fabric of space-time. I'm afraid I'll go for a walk one day, then get back 20 minutes later to find out I'd been gone for 30 years. Or that I accidentally wandered into the 1970's. I can't say which scenario would be scarier.
Anyway, other developments: this writers' group thing I was in during the summer is getting back together a few times before Spring classes start. This past Monday night, I got to hang out with some cool people for the first time in a while, and it was fun. Also, I got treated to a lot of free food, which I'm not at all used to. At least, not from people outside my immediate family.
So I have some writing to do for the next meeting. I should really get working on that. Peace and love, readers.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Just confirmed something, and learned other things
Apparently, even the least offensive man I can think of off-hand can offend someone from time to time without even trying. Yet I can write intentionally controversial things and hardly get any backlash. It's a matter of readership volume, I guess. People being insulted is clearly the mark of success, because it proves that somebody was paying attention to you in the first place.
Also, my friend John nicely proved two things. First, that everybody responds to their critics sometimes. Second, that it's possible to do so without reducing the quality of your prose. Playful irony and sarcasm go a long way. Bravo, sir.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Just thought of something else
This semester is over. It ended officially for me on Tuesday. I feel pretty good about how my classes ended, aside from one thing: for some reason, my teammates whom I'd been working with on group project apparently didn't turn in their work on time this week. I'm hoping it's just a little miscommunication or something, but I'm kind of worried; this project is a huge part of our grade for the course. Hopefully we'll sort it out soon.
I'm also just thinking now that, after my last post, I'd really like to try to lighten the mood. I've been entirely too bitter, cynical, jaded, and generally a miserable person to talk to. I guess it's fortunate I don't really have a social life, and relatively few people will ever has the lousy fortune to read this mess. With the holiday season upon us, I'm hoping to avoid too much rest and relaxation if I can help it. I'd really feel much better about myself, and life in general, if I could really accomplish some things. I'm thinking about finding work, but I somehow doubt that would make me feel fulfilled at all. Plus, I'm bound to get my fill of work in the spring when I become a college graduate.
Anyway, I won't say what I'm actually doing or even hoping to do this season, because making plans usually backfires for me. Instead I'll just ask that you wish me luck, and more importantly energy to meet life's little challenges. Sound good? Great, thank you. Peace and love, and I hope you have a happy and/or merry whatever-you-celebrate this month.
I'm also just thinking now that, after my last post, I'd really like to try to lighten the mood. I've been entirely too bitter, cynical, jaded, and generally a miserable person to talk to. I guess it's fortunate I don't really have a social life, and relatively few people will ever has the lousy fortune to read this mess. With the holiday season upon us, I'm hoping to avoid too much rest and relaxation if I can help it. I'd really feel much better about myself, and life in general, if I could really accomplish some things. I'm thinking about finding work, but I somehow doubt that would make me feel fulfilled at all. Plus, I'm bound to get my fill of work in the spring when I become a college graduate.
Anyway, I won't say what I'm actually doing or even hoping to do this season, because making plans usually backfires for me. Instead I'll just ask that you wish me luck, and more importantly energy to meet life's little challenges. Sound good? Great, thank you. Peace and love, and I hope you have a happy and/or merry whatever-you-celebrate this month.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Just a little Grinchier this season
Frankly, I think this needs to be said. I don't care if it offends anyone.
There is no War on Christmas. Everyone is hyper-sensitive about everything nowadays. The whole reason things like "Happy Holidays" and not openly celebrating Christmas in schools came about was because non-Christians were offended and felt deliberately left out. So, we tried to appease everybody with our non-denominational season's greetings, and then the Christians decided to take offense because we weren't giving them preferential treatment anymore.
When the day comes when a company forbids its employees from saying Merry Christmas, or a gated community forbids its residents from having Christmas displays on their property, or a mayor of a town outlaws the celebration of Christmas in any form, then there will be legitimate reason to be upset. But some guy sending out invitations to a Tree Lighting Ceremony without the word Christmas on it? Come on.
Anyone who takes offense to those little acts of non-denominational politeness needs their small heart to grow three sizes this day.
Then explode and kill them instantly.
There is no War on Christmas. Everyone is hyper-sensitive about everything nowadays. The whole reason things like "Happy Holidays" and not openly celebrating Christmas in schools came about was because non-Christians were offended and felt deliberately left out. So, we tried to appease everybody with our non-denominational season's greetings, and then the Christians decided to take offense because we weren't giving them preferential treatment anymore.
When the day comes when a company forbids its employees from saying Merry Christmas, or a gated community forbids its residents from having Christmas displays on their property, or a mayor of a town outlaws the celebration of Christmas in any form, then there will be legitimate reason to be upset. But some guy sending out invitations to a Tree Lighting Ceremony without the word Christmas on it? Come on.
Anyone who takes offense to those little acts of non-denominational politeness needs their small heart to grow three sizes this day.
Then explode and kill them instantly.
That's all. No peace or love this time. I'm too tired and bitter to hope for that.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Just forgot all about it again
Brief life updates: I'm doing decently in school, just falling a bit behind this past week. Not a lot else going on, but I'm working on that. Sort of.
One of the things on my list of stuff to do when I'm financially independent: get back to my dream research. For those wondering what that's about, go to Grasshopper Enterprises and read a few of the dream-related posts, particularly the Senoi Dreamers one. You'll know about as much as I currently do. If this crap interests you, feel free to examine my Dream Blog as well. I've sadly done little with it so far; a combination of not remembering most of my dreams and having better crap to do made me leave it lie, but I still want to get back into it, especially after this past morning, so there's a fresh post there now as well. If you're reading this, it should already be posted.
The other thing... Aw, crap, I managed to forget what the other thing was while writing that dream blog post. Hang on, it'll come back to me. In the meantime:
Buying a good Stevie Ray Vaughan collection, and finally listening to the Little Feat live album I was given by my aunt and/or cousin last Christmas. These are two things I did recently that I should've done much sooner. I love Stevie Ray Vaughan, and while I've only listened to a couple songs from the Little Feat album, I'm loving it so far. Music is a vital part of my life; it helps keep me going. It's sad how I manage to forget that sometimes.
Oh, remind me to learn to sing eventually, too. I'm as tone deaf as a rotten log, but I figure I can get better.
Now, that other thing... Ugh, dammit. I still don't know what it was. And the whole theme of this post was remembering things. Guess I screwed that up.
Alright, it's late at night and I need to at least try to sleep, so that'll have to be all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.
One of the things on my list of stuff to do when I'm financially independent: get back to my dream research. For those wondering what that's about, go to Grasshopper Enterprises and read a few of the dream-related posts, particularly the Senoi Dreamers one. You'll know about as much as I currently do. If this crap interests you, feel free to examine my Dream Blog as well. I've sadly done little with it so far; a combination of not remembering most of my dreams and having better crap to do made me leave it lie, but I still want to get back into it, especially after this past morning, so there's a fresh post there now as well. If you're reading this, it should already be posted.
The other thing... Aw, crap, I managed to forget what the other thing was while writing that dream blog post. Hang on, it'll come back to me. In the meantime:
Buying a good Stevie Ray Vaughan collection, and finally listening to the Little Feat live album I was given by my aunt and/or cousin last Christmas. These are two things I did recently that I should've done much sooner. I love Stevie Ray Vaughan, and while I've only listened to a couple songs from the Little Feat album, I'm loving it so far. Music is a vital part of my life; it helps keep me going. It's sad how I manage to forget that sometimes.
Oh, remind me to learn to sing eventually, too. I'm as tone deaf as a rotten log, but I figure I can get better.
Now, that other thing... Ugh, dammit. I still don't know what it was. And the whole theme of this post was remembering things. Guess I screwed that up.
Alright, it's late at night and I need to at least try to sleep, so that'll have to be all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Just found it funny
I was browsing a few videos just now, and came upon this video of John Cleese giving a lecture.
It's pretty fascinating so far, but I thought I'd better enjoy it if I finished my browsing and general dickery first, then finished watching afterward. As luck would have it, I clicked Pause just after he mentioned how awful it is to be interrupted.
Sorry, John. Well, on to some updates:
On the bright side, I sense a little bit of creative energy bubbling up inside me. My computer has crashed on me a few times now, so I've been falling behind a little in my work, but I'm still hopeful that I'll find more time for creative projects. At the very least, I should be writing a bit here a couple times a week to try and keep my right brain fertile. Even if I don't have anything spectacular to share, the act of typing it out as a coherent thought may be beneficial.
Prior to the first computer crash, I did briefly have my Wacom tablet installed, and I was pretty impressed with how it worked, cheap model that it is. It's awkward getting used to moving the cursor normally with it, but drawing feels pretty intuitive, so I'm excited to reinstall the drivers and properly run it through its paces. I guess schoolwork takes priority, though.
Alright, that's enough for the moment. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
It's pretty fascinating so far, but I thought I'd better enjoy it if I finished my browsing and general dickery first, then finished watching afterward. As luck would have it, I clicked Pause just after he mentioned how awful it is to be interrupted.
Sorry, John. Well, on to some updates:
On the bright side, I sense a little bit of creative energy bubbling up inside me. My computer has crashed on me a few times now, so I've been falling behind a little in my work, but I'm still hopeful that I'll find more time for creative projects. At the very least, I should be writing a bit here a couple times a week to try and keep my right brain fertile. Even if I don't have anything spectacular to share, the act of typing it out as a coherent thought may be beneficial.
Prior to the first computer crash, I did briefly have my Wacom tablet installed, and I was pretty impressed with how it worked, cheap model that it is. It's awkward getting used to moving the cursor normally with it, but drawing feels pretty intuitive, so I'm excited to reinstall the drivers and properly run it through its paces. I guess schoolwork takes priority, though.
Alright, that's enough for the moment. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Just a few things
To anybody who happens to find their way here from LinkedIn:
I am so very sorry.
Oh, if anyone's curious what I've been up to with classes lately, my game journal sums up a lot of it. I don't recommend reading it too long though, as there's nothing too deeply insightful. It's for a grade, after all.
There isn't much else to report on right now, though it occurs to me that half the reason my blog and twitter are so silent is because my every inane thought is usually wasted elsewhere on the Internet (I won't say where; they don't need the traffic and I don't need the shame). So here are some of my recent thoughts and anecdotes:
"I only started using Chrome because my Firefox install somehow got horribly corrupted and I didn't want to bother fixing it. I really don't understand the dislike, though. The only thing I've run into lately that it can't do is play animated PNG images, and those are stupid anyway."
~
"I'm not sure why, but it just makes me so happy to know that the word defenestrate exists. I hope to use it in a proper context someday. I kind of want this date to be a holiday too."
~
"Just when I start to think modern rock may actually be as good as classic, George Thorogood or Stevie Ray Vaughan comes on."
~
"Last night I finally got around to installing the device drivers and software to try out my new drawing tablet. It seemed pretty cool. Then a few hours later my computer crashed. Recurring blue-screen and all. Thank god I had the good sense to back up some of my files beforehand. I almost lost an important project I've been doing for a class.
I am so very sorry.
Oh, if anyone's curious what I've been up to with classes lately, my game journal sums up a lot of it. I don't recommend reading it too long though, as there's nothing too deeply insightful. It's for a grade, after all.
There isn't much else to report on right now, though it occurs to me that half the reason my blog and twitter are so silent is because my every inane thought is usually wasted elsewhere on the Internet (I won't say where; they don't need the traffic and I don't need the shame). So here are some of my recent thoughts and anecdotes:
"I only started using Chrome because my Firefox install somehow got horribly corrupted and I didn't want to bother fixing it. I really don't understand the dislike, though. The only thing I've run into lately that it can't do is play animated PNG images, and those are stupid anyway."
~
"I'm not sure why, but it just makes me so happy to know that the word defenestrate exists. I hope to use it in a proper context someday. I kind of want this date to be a holiday too."
~
"Just when I start to think modern rock may actually be as good as classic, George Thorogood or Stevie Ray Vaughan comes on."
~
"Last night I finally got around to installing the device drivers and software to try out my new drawing tablet. It seemed pretty cool. Then a few hours later my computer crashed. Recurring blue-screen and all. Thank god I had the good sense to back up some of my files beforehand. I almost lost an important project I've been doing for a class.
I wonder if it's a sign, though. I finally get up the motivation to even think about drawing again, and the universe throws a wrench in the works. Maybe somebody's trying to tell me something.
Or maybe it's somehow Chrome's fault."
~
"I have mild asthma. If I could, I would punch my own lungs in the face."
~
"I really want my own Curiosity Core now. Do they make plushies of those anywhere? They really should."
That's it for now. Peace and love, all.
Or maybe it's somehow Chrome's fault."
~
"I have mild asthma. If I could, I would punch my own lungs in the face."
~
"I really want my own Curiosity Core now. Do they make plushies of those anywhere? They really should."
That's it for now. Peace and love, all.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Just more of the same
I've had my shiny new Wacom tablet for a week now. It hasn't even left the box yet. I swear I think about my comic project at least a few times a week on average, yet I can't find the damn motivation to take some time and work on it. Even now with a tool that'd make the process quicker and easier, I don't find the time. I wonder if I've just grown comfortable with my mediocre unfulfilling life.
I never write anymore either, which leads me to think the same. At least with drawing I have the excuse that I suck. I'm actually a decent writer though, and I usually enjoy writing, so there's no reason for me to NOT do it. And hell, with the shit that gets successfully published and produced these days, I'd have at least a snowball's chance at a career with it, yet I don't do anything.
What am I missing? What have I lost?
I never write anymore either, which leads me to think the same. At least with drawing I have the excuse that I suck. I'm actually a decent writer though, and I usually enjoy writing, so there's no reason for me to NOT do it. And hell, with the shit that gets successfully published and produced these days, I'd have at least a snowball's chance at a career with it, yet I don't do anything.
What am I missing? What have I lost?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Just one more thing
Matt Schunk is a punk bitch and I will take him down anywhere, anytime. Believe it.
Seriously, though, I do miss you dude. We need to hang out sometime.
Seriously, though, I do miss you dude. We need to hang out sometime.
Just getting started
Fall '11 classes are on. I'm taking two courses: Computer Graphics (so dull it's ridiculous), and a theory of game design course. For the latter, I'm required to keep a game journal, reviewing new games I play and relating them to our course material. If anyone would like to read it, it's located here, and in all likelihood I'll be updating it more often than I update this thing.
I'm "on call" for work, but it appears I'm basically done there. It's fine, I knew it'd be a temporary thing anyway. I still have one or two paychecks to wait on, and they may call me in again if they need help with ad-hoc testing. We'll see, I guess.
Also, I'm single. I kind of already was before, except now there are no girls at all that I'm hoping to have a relationship with. In related news, the list of people who hate me has grown by at least one, so... hooray for that. I always knew I had problems communicating my thoughts and feelings, I just never knew it could make me look like a monster to some people. It's surprising I haven't stuck to this blog more, since one-off monologues seem to be the only form of communication I don't always fail at. I don't know, there might be hope for my love life yet, but I'm not about to pursue anything else for a while.
To further shoot myself in the foot, I'll go ahead and mention here how I got a new drawing tablet for my birthday (yeah, I'm 24, and don't really place any significance on it). I'm hoping that the medium of tablet drawing will someone be enjoyable enough to me that it'll motivate me to work on my comic again, but I'm clearly going to jinx myself by saying anything about it here. Every time I proclaim that I'm turning over a new leaf, getting motivated and getting a serious start on this thing, I always end up abandoning it again. I hope that won't happen this time, but... well, why be unrealistic with my expectations?
It also occurs to me I won't be able to keep up this stupid post naming trend much longer, but I'll no doubt push it as far as it'll go. Or at least, just a little farther.
That's basically it for now. I'll return to my previous regular sign-off, if only because neither of these things are very abundant:
Peace and love, everyone.
I'm "on call" for work, but it appears I'm basically done there. It's fine, I knew it'd be a temporary thing anyway. I still have one or two paychecks to wait on, and they may call me in again if they need help with ad-hoc testing. We'll see, I guess.
Also, I'm single. I kind of already was before, except now there are no girls at all that I'm hoping to have a relationship with. In related news, the list of people who hate me has grown by at least one, so... hooray for that. I always knew I had problems communicating my thoughts and feelings, I just never knew it could make me look like a monster to some people. It's surprising I haven't stuck to this blog more, since one-off monologues seem to be the only form of communication I don't always fail at. I don't know, there might be hope for my love life yet, but I'm not about to pursue anything else for a while.
To further shoot myself in the foot, I'll go ahead and mention here how I got a new drawing tablet for my birthday (yeah, I'm 24, and don't really place any significance on it). I'm hoping that the medium of tablet drawing will someone be enjoyable enough to me that it'll motivate me to work on my comic again, but I'm clearly going to jinx myself by saying anything about it here. Every time I proclaim that I'm turning over a new leaf, getting motivated and getting a serious start on this thing, I always end up abandoning it again. I hope that won't happen this time, but... well, why be unrealistic with my expectations?
It also occurs to me I won't be able to keep up this stupid post naming trend much longer, but I'll no doubt push it as far as it'll go. Or at least, just a little farther.
That's basically it for now. I'll return to my previous regular sign-off, if only because neither of these things are very abundant:
Peace and love, everyone.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Just realized something
I never updated this thing about some important things that happened this summer.
For one, the fact that I got a job is kind of a big deal. It's like an internship thing, and it's temporary though I don't know how temporary. The pay is good but on a 2-week delay roughly. Also there is the minor problem of having to work 9am to 5pm every weekday. It's pretty hard on me, being a career insomniac, and spending that much time around so many people hasn't been totally easy either. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word.
Still, it's nice to have money, or it will be when my check comes on the 31st or so. Still on schedule to return to SUNYIT part-time on August 30th though, so will have to work things out with the job by then. Not sure if I'm going to be let go by then or not.
Also, I've been trying to have some kind of long-distance relationship with somebody I met online. It hasn't been easy. Aside from the distance, we seem to have problems communicating and getting along sometimes. I'm hoping we'll be able to work it out though. She means a lot to me, and I'd hate to see things end abruptly on a sour note. Naturally, I fear that could happen on pretty much any given day. I'll keep trying, but I guess only time will tell if we are really right for one another. Here's hoping love can find a way.
That's about it right now. Guess I'll check in next month, unless I suddenly feel inspired to write more. Signing off.
For one, the fact that I got a job is kind of a big deal. It's like an internship thing, and it's temporary though I don't know how temporary. The pay is good but on a 2-week delay roughly. Also there is the minor problem of having to work 9am to 5pm every weekday. It's pretty hard on me, being a career insomniac, and spending that much time around so many people hasn't been totally easy either. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word.
Still, it's nice to have money, or it will be when my check comes on the 31st or so. Still on schedule to return to SUNYIT part-time on August 30th though, so will have to work things out with the job by then. Not sure if I'm going to be let go by then or not.
Also, I've been trying to have some kind of long-distance relationship with somebody I met online. It hasn't been easy. Aside from the distance, we seem to have problems communicating and getting along sometimes. I'm hoping we'll be able to work it out though. She means a lot to me, and I'd hate to see things end abruptly on a sour note. Naturally, I fear that could happen on pretty much any given day. I'll keep trying, but I guess only time will tell if we are really right for one another. Here's hoping love can find a way.
That's about it right now. Guess I'll check in next month, unless I suddenly feel inspired to write more. Signing off.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Just another update
I'm doing better than I was when I wrote that last post. Still not great, but a lot better. I've gotten back into drawing finally, my hygiene is better... it's a start, anyway. Still have to find a way to sleep at night, then not sleep during the day, but I'll keep working on it.
The Sallie Mae business is more or less taken care of. My family generously took care of the outstanding balance (which I still think shouldn't have been there in the first place, but what can I do?) I've at least had a chance to reduce the payments, so hopefully we won't have any more of this crap.
Beyond that, I'm hoping I'll get enough done on my one novel project to submit that soon. I still have no idea if publishers will accept partial manuscripts or not, but I'm guessing not.
That's about it. Goodnight, all.
The Sallie Mae business is more or less taken care of. My family generously took care of the outstanding balance (which I still think shouldn't have been there in the first place, but what can I do?) I've at least had a chance to reduce the payments, so hopefully we won't have any more of this crap.
Beyond that, I'm hoping I'll get enough done on my one novel project to submit that soon. I still have no idea if publishers will accept partial manuscripts or not, but I'm guessing not.
That's about it. Goodnight, all.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Just felt like bitching and moaning
The title says it all. This is meant to be therapeutic for me, mainly, so don't expect anything especially captivating or interesting in this post.
For those who haven't heard, I dropped out of school. Again. Apparently I can't handle real life very well. Honestly, I had the easiest semester you could possibly imagine while still maintaining full-time status, and I still couldn't handle it. I've been too mind-numbingly depressed for any kind of responsibility at all. I have definitely lost all faith in the ability of medicine to help me manage my symptoms. I need to make some serious changes, that's for sure.
I'm sure the whole situation wasn't helped by how jaded I've become to the notion of finishing my degree. Especially since learning just how little all my CS studies have actually prepared me for a career in programming. Look at any careers or help wanted site; the demand for programmers right now revolves almost entirely around people who are experts in .NET, Flex, PHP, the Android environment, the Facebook platform, and pretty much everything to do with social networking, mobile applications and various other up-and-coming web platforms that I NEVER learned a thing about.
All I learned from some 5 years of college was some Java (not enough to make anything really cool with), C++ and C#, a semester of Scheme (which is great because 1, nobody fucking knows what Scheme is let alone uses it, and 2, I can't remember shit about it now anyway), a little Unix experience (again, not enough to do anything with), and a stockpile of general theoretical bullshit relating to operating systems and application development. I'm sure at least some of it has better prepared me to learn new languages or platforms, but that's not what employers are looking for now. They're not looking for interns to spend weeks teaching how to do shit in the hopes they'll be useful employees someday. They want people who already have training and experience working on these kinds of projects. That's something I never really got.
Seriously, higher education is a giant waste of money in absolutely every way. I'm essentially one semester away from having a degree, and I almost don't want to bother anymore. The only way it helps me is if I find an employer stupid enough to think a Bachelor's is any kind of substitute for actual contract work.
Also, I'm pretty sure now I thoroughly hate the general concept of dating and all the drama that surrounds it. I definitely hate relationships, and not just the romantic variety. I genuinely despise interacting with other people in virtually all settings.
It's probably worth mentioning, I definitely hate the way things have been turning out with a certain girl I know. I knew from the start we were better off just being friends, but she expressed what I thought was a serious interest in me. We kept hanging out, and God help me, I started falling for her. I liked her as more than just a friend, and I was attracted to her both physically and mentally. Then, just when it seemed like things were getting serious, and I had come to actually welcome that possibility, she kindly reminded me that she's still not over her ex, and likely won't be anytime soon.
So, we float now in the friend zone, slowly drifting further apart with each passing day, and I'm pretty much sick from the whole thing. I shared things with this girl I never share with anyone. I let myself get closer than I ever do with anyone, and made myself vulnerable because I wanted to believe it might work out. Well, as it turned out, I was right from the beginning. We would've been way better off if we'd stayed friends like we started out, but no, things had to get complicated. It's just a rotten mess. I can't talk naturally and candidly with her like I used to. I feel awkward and stupid, and I basically just don't even want to talk to her anymore, because whatever connection we had before got all fucked up.
Anyway, I don't know what's next for us. I'm guessing we'll slowly just stop communicating altogether, just like every other friend I've ever had. I don't want that to happen. I'd love it if I could go back to being comfortable talking to her again, or even take things further than that, but I know me, and I know it's very unlikely I'll ever be able to really care about someone like that again.
I find lately that I will cry during some romantic movies or family-type things. I know why it happens, too. It's never when something tragic is happening; it's always when someone is talking about true love or something similar. I cry when that happens because I know it's all bullshit. I cry because those moments remind me what a total farce the whole concept of love is. It's not the beautiful interpersonal connection it's portrayed as.
Here's what love is: you open your heart to someone, and sometimes they'll open theirs to you as well, and for a few fleeting moments you can be happy together. Mostly, though, when you open your heart to them, all you've really done is made it possible for them to injure you emotionally. And they will. A lot, whether they mean to or not. In all likelihood, if you were in sync enough, you'll be hurting them at the same time. You can probably still make each other happy if you really try, but the happiness is pathetically fleeting. The hurt lasts much longer.
On a different note, the dream blog I started isn't seeing much use, since I'm remembering my dreams even less than I used to. I guess I have to work on my diet.
Things I currently should be doing that I'm not: working out, sleeping regularly, watching my diet, bathing regularly, finding a job, writing, drawing, reading, playing Wii games (to improve my endorphine levels or whatever), trying to get published, practicing my C# skills, learning a musical instrument and/or how to sing. Really, any one of these would be nice.
What I am doing most of the time is finding any way I can to waste time and temporarily distract myself from the fact that I wish with every fiber of my being that I was dead. Don't worry, though, I'm sure I won't try to kill myself. That would require some form of commitment on my part, and God knows that won't happen. I never achieve anything I aspire to regardless of the level of effort I put in, so why knock myself out?
So, I think I'll sign off for now. I'd close with another 'peace and love,' but why keep perpetuating bullshit myths?
For those who haven't heard, I dropped out of school. Again. Apparently I can't handle real life very well. Honestly, I had the easiest semester you could possibly imagine while still maintaining full-time status, and I still couldn't handle it. I've been too mind-numbingly depressed for any kind of responsibility at all. I have definitely lost all faith in the ability of medicine to help me manage my symptoms. I need to make some serious changes, that's for sure.
I'm sure the whole situation wasn't helped by how jaded I've become to the notion of finishing my degree. Especially since learning just how little all my CS studies have actually prepared me for a career in programming. Look at any careers or help wanted site; the demand for programmers right now revolves almost entirely around people who are experts in .NET, Flex, PHP, the Android environment, the Facebook platform, and pretty much everything to do with social networking, mobile applications and various other up-and-coming web platforms that I NEVER learned a thing about.
All I learned from some 5 years of college was some Java (not enough to make anything really cool with), C++ and C#, a semester of Scheme (which is great because 1, nobody fucking knows what Scheme is let alone uses it, and 2, I can't remember shit about it now anyway), a little Unix experience (again, not enough to do anything with), and a stockpile of general theoretical bullshit relating to operating systems and application development. I'm sure at least some of it has better prepared me to learn new languages or platforms, but that's not what employers are looking for now. They're not looking for interns to spend weeks teaching how to do shit in the hopes they'll be useful employees someday. They want people who already have training and experience working on these kinds of projects. That's something I never really got.
Seriously, higher education is a giant waste of money in absolutely every way. I'm essentially one semester away from having a degree, and I almost don't want to bother anymore. The only way it helps me is if I find an employer stupid enough to think a Bachelor's is any kind of substitute for actual contract work.
Also, I'm pretty sure now I thoroughly hate the general concept of dating and all the drama that surrounds it. I definitely hate relationships, and not just the romantic variety. I genuinely despise interacting with other people in virtually all settings.
It's probably worth mentioning, I definitely hate the way things have been turning out with a certain girl I know. I knew from the start we were better off just being friends, but she expressed what I thought was a serious interest in me. We kept hanging out, and God help me, I started falling for her. I liked her as more than just a friend, and I was attracted to her both physically and mentally. Then, just when it seemed like things were getting serious, and I had come to actually welcome that possibility, she kindly reminded me that she's still not over her ex, and likely won't be anytime soon.
So, we float now in the friend zone, slowly drifting further apart with each passing day, and I'm pretty much sick from the whole thing. I shared things with this girl I never share with anyone. I let myself get closer than I ever do with anyone, and made myself vulnerable because I wanted to believe it might work out. Well, as it turned out, I was right from the beginning. We would've been way better off if we'd stayed friends like we started out, but no, things had to get complicated. It's just a rotten mess. I can't talk naturally and candidly with her like I used to. I feel awkward and stupid, and I basically just don't even want to talk to her anymore, because whatever connection we had before got all fucked up.
Anyway, I don't know what's next for us. I'm guessing we'll slowly just stop communicating altogether, just like every other friend I've ever had. I don't want that to happen. I'd love it if I could go back to being comfortable talking to her again, or even take things further than that, but I know me, and I know it's very unlikely I'll ever be able to really care about someone like that again.
I find lately that I will cry during some romantic movies or family-type things. I know why it happens, too. It's never when something tragic is happening; it's always when someone is talking about true love or something similar. I cry when that happens because I know it's all bullshit. I cry because those moments remind me what a total farce the whole concept of love is. It's not the beautiful interpersonal connection it's portrayed as.
Here's what love is: you open your heart to someone, and sometimes they'll open theirs to you as well, and for a few fleeting moments you can be happy together. Mostly, though, when you open your heart to them, all you've really done is made it possible for them to injure you emotionally. And they will. A lot, whether they mean to or not. In all likelihood, if you were in sync enough, you'll be hurting them at the same time. You can probably still make each other happy if you really try, but the happiness is pathetically fleeting. The hurt lasts much longer.
On a different note, the dream blog I started isn't seeing much use, since I'm remembering my dreams even less than I used to. I guess I have to work on my diet.
Things I currently should be doing that I'm not: working out, sleeping regularly, watching my diet, bathing regularly, finding a job, writing, drawing, reading, playing Wii games (to improve my endorphine levels or whatever), trying to get published, practicing my C# skills, learning a musical instrument and/or how to sing. Really, any one of these would be nice.
What I am doing most of the time is finding any way I can to waste time and temporarily distract myself from the fact that I wish with every fiber of my being that I was dead. Don't worry, though, I'm sure I won't try to kill myself. That would require some form of commitment on my part, and God knows that won't happen. I never achieve anything I aspire to regardless of the level of effort I put in, so why knock myself out?
So, I think I'll sign off for now. I'd close with another 'peace and love,' but why keep perpetuating bullshit myths?
Monday, May 02, 2011
I really shouldn't have to hear this bull today
Despite having real-life things to write about, it took something like this to make me passionate enough to write again.
So, if you've been living under a rock, Osama bin Laden has been killed. Hard evidence hasn't been shared yet, but the story seems legit to me so far, and I gotta say I'm very hopeful they really got him this time.
That said, it never ceases to amaze me how, even on a day like this, people who buy in to conspiracy BS always manage to cast a sour feeling over what should be a celebratory day. I'll tell you right now, I am NOT revisiting why 9/11 wasn't an inside job. I will, however, share my feelings regarding today, and regarding comments like the following quote, which in my opinion have been far too numerous.
"Osama Ben Laden was the "bad son" of the Ben Laden family. The Bushes had been in league with the Ben Laden over oil revenues for 25 years when he died. (?) The fact that this never came to the fore during investigations seems ...interesting. 911 was a set up. It is politicians and their money playing games that cost lives and inspire fear and hatred in the masses. Most of us are "Sheeple" and so cannot (or will not) think for themselves. I know you've seen the movie, now read the book;) I don't see anyone demanding Bushes head on a stick..and he has done the largest amount of physical, emotional, financial, and civilian damage. Get your head out of your asses..you can be American and not believe in your government. Patriotic means that you have your countrymen at heart.
Most Americans are not aware that 100% of the constitution has been ammended with clauses to allow the government to simply bypass said rights when they feel the time suits. Bullshit?..Whatever. no way. Couldn't be.
Like I said..Read the book. There is something to be said for looking deeper."
I will not disclose any information about the person who wrote that, on the off chance they might actually regret saying it someday.
First off, I'm really bothered that someone can attack people for "not thinking for themselves" while simultaneously spewing verbatim some theory they heard from someone else without bothering to research any of it. That level of hypocrisy kind of scares me.
Second, I don't think this day has anything to do with whether or not we should trust our government. I personally think our government is trustworthy at least sometimes, but that's besides the point. Bin Laden is dead. He was one of the most evil guys on Earth, and they shot him dead. You have to be in some serious denial to think that we're not better off without him. Granted, some people argue that this will enrage radicals into retaliating, but let's be honest: these people already dedicated their lives to hating everything about the West and trying to kill us all. I seriously doubt this will amount to a big change in their plans. It's not like they were thinking, "Well, maybe the West isn't really the biggest evil... Wait, what? They killed Osama? Well, that settles it! Death to America! I'll never doubt again."
I want to be brief with this, because I know nothing good will ever come from trying to rationally debate people such as the one who wrote the comment above, so I'll close with the following:
Whatever your political beliefs, you surely acknowledge that the spread of blind hatred and murderous rage is a bad thing. Osama bin Laden made a lifetime commitment of making his followers hate not only the West, but anyone who didn't agree with their extreme views. They mercilessly killed countless innocent people, and no doubt will continue to after today. Osama being dead at least accomplishes two things:
1) It gives survivors of 9/11 some feeling of solace or closure, that their lost loved ones were not forgotten after nearly 10 years, and one of the men responsible was taken out of the equation.
2) It sends a message to the terrorists of the world that their actions won't be tolerated. I'm sure few of them have enough humanity left in their hearts to fear for even their own safety, but if this means even a few terrorists give up on their cause, I'd say it has been worth it.
That's all I'll say on this. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
So, if you've been living under a rock, Osama bin Laden has been killed. Hard evidence hasn't been shared yet, but the story seems legit to me so far, and I gotta say I'm very hopeful they really got him this time.
That said, it never ceases to amaze me how, even on a day like this, people who buy in to conspiracy BS always manage to cast a sour feeling over what should be a celebratory day. I'll tell you right now, I am NOT revisiting why 9/11 wasn't an inside job. I will, however, share my feelings regarding today, and regarding comments like the following quote, which in my opinion have been far too numerous.
"Osama Ben Laden was the "bad son" of the Ben Laden family. The Bushes had been in league with the Ben Laden over oil revenues for 25 years when he died. (?) The fact that this never came to the fore during investigations seems ...interesting. 911 was a set up. It is politicians and their money playing games that cost lives and inspire fear and hatred in the masses. Most of us are "Sheeple" and so cannot (or will not) think for themselves. I know you've seen the movie, now read the book;) I don't see anyone demanding Bushes head on a stick..and he has done the largest amount of physical, emotional, financial, and civilian damage. Get your head out of your asses..you can be American and not believe in your government. Patriotic means that you have your countrymen at heart.
Most Americans are not aware that 100% of the constitution has been ammended with clauses to allow the government to simply bypass said rights when they feel the time suits. Bullshit?..Whatever. no way. Couldn't be.
Like I said..Read the book. There is something to be said for looking deeper."
I will not disclose any information about the person who wrote that, on the off chance they might actually regret saying it someday.
First off, I'm really bothered that someone can attack people for "not thinking for themselves" while simultaneously spewing verbatim some theory they heard from someone else without bothering to research any of it. That level of hypocrisy kind of scares me.
Second, I don't think this day has anything to do with whether or not we should trust our government. I personally think our government is trustworthy at least sometimes, but that's besides the point. Bin Laden is dead. He was one of the most evil guys on Earth, and they shot him dead. You have to be in some serious denial to think that we're not better off without him. Granted, some people argue that this will enrage radicals into retaliating, but let's be honest: these people already dedicated their lives to hating everything about the West and trying to kill us all. I seriously doubt this will amount to a big change in their plans. It's not like they were thinking, "Well, maybe the West isn't really the biggest evil... Wait, what? They killed Osama? Well, that settles it! Death to America! I'll never doubt again."
I want to be brief with this, because I know nothing good will ever come from trying to rationally debate people such as the one who wrote the comment above, so I'll close with the following:
Whatever your political beliefs, you surely acknowledge that the spread of blind hatred and murderous rage is a bad thing. Osama bin Laden made a lifetime commitment of making his followers hate not only the West, but anyone who didn't agree with their extreme views. They mercilessly killed countless innocent people, and no doubt will continue to after today. Osama being dead at least accomplishes two things:
1) It gives survivors of 9/11 some feeling of solace or closure, that their lost loved ones were not forgotten after nearly 10 years, and one of the men responsible was taken out of the equation.
2) It sends a message to the terrorists of the world that their actions won't be tolerated. I'm sure few of them have enough humanity left in their hearts to fear for even their own safety, but if this means even a few terrorists give up on their cause, I'd say it has been worth it.
That's all I'll say on this. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Updates; More to Come?
It's funny, how little I update things like this. Even my twitter account doesn't see that much use, and I'll tweet any stupid little thought that I feel like sharing. Could it be that whatever ridiculous narcissistic bug that has taken over the tech generation has passed me over somehow? Maybe. More than likely that just comes with the depression territory.
Speaking of which, I'm totally off meds for the first time in a while. I'm sleeping in weird intervals again, but otherwise the mood's been mostly good. I'm still not back in school yet, and haven't landed a job, but things are slowly changing.
It's probably worth noting that I seem to have a girlfriend-type person in my life now. Kind of big news for anybody who knows me, but I'm a little tired to talk about it now. I'll do a proper post about the whole thing soon.
Meanwhile, I have a few anti-poverty prospects upcoming very soon. For one, I've been following a certain radio show that holds a trivia gameshow every week. I'm not telling what the show is because the pot's getting big and you might be tempted to try for it yourself, and dammit I want the monneh!
Other than that, there's something more promising: a publisher is holding a sort of meet-and-greet to get to know some new authors. I plan on being there to show off some of my stuff. I somehow doubt my old novel is worth showing, but I'll bring a digital copy, along with one of my favorite short stories, a new book in progress, and maybe a couple other projects to sample.
Lastly, and this should be good because it's almost a guarantee: jury duty. I'm due in next week to serve, and they pay you for your time if you're unemployed or your job doesn't pay your time off. I'm sure most people would consider this boring, but considering we're talking about jury duty in Schenectady, I'm expecting some chuckle-worthy moments, if only in retelling the story later. You can expect to see a post about that next week.
So, yeah, as things are kind of picking up with my life finally, I might just start updating more regularly. There are at least 2 posts I plan on writing in the immediate future, so there's a start. In the meantime, I'm sure you'll find something else to amuse yourself with. I will, however, leave you with this:
Guess who hastwo thumbs a tired meme and got laid this week.
(No, not Bob Kelso. Me)
Anyway, that's it. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
Speaking of which, I'm totally off meds for the first time in a while. I'm sleeping in weird intervals again, but otherwise the mood's been mostly good. I'm still not back in school yet, and haven't landed a job, but things are slowly changing.
It's probably worth noting that I seem to have a girlfriend-type person in my life now. Kind of big news for anybody who knows me, but I'm a little tired to talk about it now. I'll do a proper post about the whole thing soon.
Meanwhile, I have a few anti-poverty prospects upcoming very soon. For one, I've been following a certain radio show that holds a trivia gameshow every week. I'm not telling what the show is because the pot's getting big and you might be tempted to try for it yourself, and dammit I want the monneh!
Other than that, there's something more promising: a publisher is holding a sort of meet-and-greet to get to know some new authors. I plan on being there to show off some of my stuff. I somehow doubt my old novel is worth showing, but I'll bring a digital copy, along with one of my favorite short stories, a new book in progress, and maybe a couple other projects to sample.
Lastly, and this should be good because it's almost a guarantee: jury duty. I'm due in next week to serve, and they pay you for your time if you're unemployed or your job doesn't pay your time off. I'm sure most people would consider this boring, but considering we're talking about jury duty in Schenectady, I'm expecting some chuckle-worthy moments, if only in retelling the story later. You can expect to see a post about that next week.
So, yeah, as things are kind of picking up with my life finally, I might just start updating more regularly. There are at least 2 posts I plan on writing in the immediate future, so there's a start. In the meantime, I'm sure you'll find something else to amuse yourself with. I will, however, leave you with this:
Guess who has
(No, not Bob Kelso. Me)
Anyway, that's it. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
New: Dan's Dream Blog
So, I know I haven't posted crap here in a long time. Virtually nothing is happening in my life right now. Kind of met somebody, but it's not really going anywhere; thinking about getting a job and putting off my last semester of college a bit longer. You're not missing anything.
Anyway, just thought I'd let my reader(s) know I started a new dream blog. I've always been interested in the subject of lucid dreaming, and I need a means to remember my dreams for longer, so I figured this could be useful, and who knows, maybe even worth reading. Here's the first post:
Dan's Dream Blog: Lucid, 3/26 - 3/27/11: The Snakehead Incident: "For the sake of remembering my dreams, as well as maybe entertaining and informing others, I've started this dream blog. Here's the dream I ..."
So yeah, take a look. I'll still probably update here on anything interesting in my real life, but all dream stuff will go there. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
Anyway, just thought I'd let my reader(s) know I started a new dream blog. I've always been interested in the subject of lucid dreaming, and I need a means to remember my dreams for longer, so I figured this could be useful, and who knows, maybe even worth reading. Here's the first post:
Dan's Dream Blog: Lucid, 3/26 - 3/27/11: The Snakehead Incident: "For the sake of remembering my dreams, as well as maybe entertaining and informing others, I've started this dream blog. Here's the dream I ..."
So yeah, take a look. I'll still probably update here on anything interesting in my real life, but all dream stuff will go there. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Re: Attention Whores
So yeah, some people just can't live without being the center of attention. I can't say I blame them. I enjoy unwarranted attention from others as well. There is of course a minor difference between me and some other people: I'm awesome. If people worship the ground I walk on, I say well, of course, why doesn't everyone? But we're getting off track here.
I haven't communicated with my arch nemesis in quite a while. Maybe I've just been too busy with stuff of my own, but anyway I guess I have to give credit where credit was due. Whereas I've pretty much let the Halloween tradition stagnate, this past year consisting of a crappy party in the lounge and not much else, Schunk has continued to take the tradition seriously. This past year, unbeknownst to me, he constructed yet another memorable Halloween costume. Well, I just got to see the pictures recently, and I guess it's time I said something.
Schunk of course cropped the other guy out of this shot, because God forbid the spotlight should be taken off of him.
Well, first thing's first: I have to point out how deeply disturbed I am by the sight of Schunk in shorts that are this short. Other than that, I have to admit the ensemble is pretty accurate. The wig, the mustache, the colorful attire. He's a dead ringer for Lady GaGa.
Okay, I kid. Obviously it's a Hulk Hogan costume, and a pretty convincing one. Looking at this pic above I almost expect to see a Rent-A-Center logo in the corner. I have to say I was a little saddened to see Hulk in such a commercial, but I can't blame him. Whatcha gonna do, brother? Whatcha gonna do, when the IRS runs wild on you?
So I guess that's about it. Regardless of any homoerotic qualities the outfit might have, I have to give Schunk credit for putting together a good Halloween costume when I was too lazy to do so. What's more, he successfully tricked me into looking at all his latest Facebook photos. Between the Hulkamania pics, the green man molesting some poor boy and whatever the fuck this is, I think I need to pull my eyeballs out of my head and scrub them with steel wool.
You win this round, Schunk. But rest assured, once the nightmares subside, I will have my revenge. In the meantime, I hope you had a good holiday season and a happy new year. Talk to me if you want; I'm not hard to get ahold of. To everyone else, peace and love.
I haven't communicated with my arch nemesis in quite a while. Maybe I've just been too busy with stuff of my own, but anyway I guess I have to give credit where credit was due. Whereas I've pretty much let the Halloween tradition stagnate, this past year consisting of a crappy party in the lounge and not much else, Schunk has continued to take the tradition seriously. This past year, unbeknownst to me, he constructed yet another memorable Halloween costume. Well, I just got to see the pictures recently, and I guess it's time I said something.
Schunk of course cropped the other guy out of this shot, because God forbid the spotlight should be taken off of him.
Well, first thing's first: I have to point out how deeply disturbed I am by the sight of Schunk in shorts that are this short. Other than that, I have to admit the ensemble is pretty accurate. The wig, the mustache, the colorful attire. He's a dead ringer for Lady GaGa.
Okay, I kid. Obviously it's a Hulk Hogan costume, and a pretty convincing one. Looking at this pic above I almost expect to see a Rent-A-Center logo in the corner. I have to say I was a little saddened to see Hulk in such a commercial, but I can't blame him. Whatcha gonna do, brother? Whatcha gonna do, when the IRS runs wild on you?
So I guess that's about it. Regardless of any homoerotic qualities the outfit might have, I have to give Schunk credit for putting together a good Halloween costume when I was too lazy to do so. What's more, he successfully tricked me into looking at all his latest Facebook photos. Between the Hulkamania pics, the green man molesting some poor boy and whatever the fuck this is, I think I need to pull my eyeballs out of my head and scrub them with steel wool.
You win this round, Schunk. But rest assured, once the nightmares subside, I will have my revenge. In the meantime, I hope you had a good holiday season and a happy new year. Talk to me if you want; I'm not hard to get ahold of. To everyone else, peace and love.
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