Just felt like opening up

I guess I'll go ahead and say this. If the person I'm talking about happens to read it, it'll at least save me some time.

There is somebody in my life I'm interested in getting closer to, but I have been holding back out of doubt. I'm convinced already that she's a great person and I'm a lucky guy for even knowing her. The concern is the same as always: I think I'm going to screw it up somehow. Intimacy is something I'm not good at, and even when I can briefly succeed at it, having a real relationship with somebody often entails them being able to count on you. Although I'm far from being impartial when it comes to judging the quality of my character, I'll be the first to tell you I'm a reasonably smart, funny guy who has the best of intentions and a lot of love to give. The main issue is that I'm utterly unreliable. I might come through when I'm needed sometimes, but if I have a relapse of depression... well, then I'm useless.

Aside from that, there are the plans I had been making for my future. Although nothing specific is lined up now, it has been my intention for a while now to get as far away from here as possible. As much as I love my family, I'd much rather be temporarily miserable and independent than complacently comfortable at home. At the very least, I should be finding a place that will be good for my career(s). The main thing holding me back from that now is that I would be leaving friends behind.

Most of my life, friendships have been things that were hastily formed when they were convenient. I tried to befriend people who were close by, and if they drifted away, or more likely I drifted away, I didn't try to stop it from happening. That's fairly normal to some extent, but I don't want to be that way. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be, but I still have some difficulty talking to people, especially new people. It's horribly intimidating, and for all the gorgeous linguistic skill I display for you, my dear readers, on this blog and elsewhere, I'm still hopelessly awkward in person.

Even more than that, though, the thought of losing touch with people I cared for simply hurts me to think about. It tears me up inside, yet I keep letting it happen. It's stupid, but this is part of the reason I don't like to ask out girls I'm interested in. Even if I manage to say the all right things for a while, eventually I'm going to screw up. I'm going to let myself slip into apathy and neglect them. Worse yet, I might tell them what I really think about them, which depending on how well I know them could either be the single kindest or cruelest thing I could ever do to them. I feel like I can't get close to the people I care about because I think I'm just too destructive to be trusted around them. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but... well, I can't help but see a pattern in my brief history on Earth.

I must sound like such a whiny dork by now. Well, my point, if I had one, is that I seem to be more comfortable when the girl makes the first move. It's tricky even then, but at least I can have some assurance that they not only like me so far, but were willing to go out on a limb to get closer to me. It's silly, I know. I'm a decent enough guy, with a good life, and great family and friends. I shouldn't be so damn insecure. The very fact that I worry this much about hurting the people I love puts me head-and-shoulders above some people I've met. I guess I'm just too impartially paranoid for my own good.

Anyway, I might as well say this while I have some tiny iota of manly confidence stored up:

Jess, if you're reading this, I was talking about you. I'm not about to ask you on a date, because the very idea of formal dating makes me roll my eyes. I'm not suggesting a huge step up in our relationship either; I love to take things slow. All I want right now is to see more of you. Take that how you will.

Alright, that wasn't so bad. Now, if I can just find the balls to actually send that message straight to her. Hmm... maybe next time.

Thanks for putting up with my awkwardness. Peace and love, dear readers.

Just having some sexy thoughts

Not sure what fired my brain up tonight, but I have two posts for you. Here is the first.

It occurs to me that the values we as a society hold dear are not being communicated very effectively. They always seem to be present in children's entertainment, and we (usually) tell our kids how they should behave. It'd be better if we showed them how, but that's beside the point.

Despite our best efforts, we have an apparent culture of vices that permeates virtually every part of our world. Whether it's advertising, movies and television, music, magazines and news outlets, or even the actions of the people in our lives, there is always a constant message going directly in opposition to the things we're supposed to hold dear. There are too many elements of this to count, so I'll focus on this for now:

Sex.

A lot of people treat sexuality like it's some kind of taboo, and when popular music, movies, television and more seem to flaunt the most disgusting and simplistic views of sexuality, the most absurd of measures are taken to counteract them. For example, some people would rather teach abstinence-only sex education in schools than have an open and healthy dialogue about sex and relationships with their kids. Frankly, I'm disgusted by people on all sides. Because sex is a cultural taboo, it becomes simultaneously something not to be discussed in polite company, and something to be indulged in with reckless depravity while nobody is looking. These are both twisted views on sex and should not be spread any further.

I just think that if we as a culture could approach the topic of sexuality with a bit more intelligence and tact, it wouldn't be such a problem. As long as you leave some of the biological specifics out, it should be acceptable to discuss the nature of adult relationships in polite company, even with children present. You should be able to talk about making love to your wife when your child is in the room; just leave out the bit where she doesn't like to go down on you because your penis smells like the toilet at a Denny's.

Sex is both a way to procreate and a medium through which two people can express their love for one another. It's far more than just a primal urge that immoral people indulge in to make themselves feel good, and that's a message our teenagers deserve to hear. For that matter, they deserve to know about the existence of differing sexuality and orientations, diseases, and contraception options.

Some adults in this country seem to think teens will have less sex if they know less about it, and that's idiotic. Our youth get a lot of bad messages about sex from music, tv, and so on. The way to combat that is not censorship; the way to combat it is to tell them the truth about sex and remind them of the values we've been trying to teach them their whole lives. You know, compassion, restraint, accountability, thinking of others as well as yourself, planning for the future. You are teaching your kids those things, right? I mean, why the hell else do you have kids?

Anyway, that's all I'll say on that for now. Peace and love, reader-folk.

Just got my degree and shot some aliens

The two events in the title are unrelated.

I'm wondering, would it be a bad idea to list this as my personal website in a professional portfolio? I have a feeling some potential employers wouldn't appreciate some of the things contained here.

Oh, before I forget, I might as well announce it here: I (semi)officially completed my studies at SUNY Institute of Technology this past May. I received an A on my thesis/capstone project, and unless something awful arises in the office, I will be getting my diploma in the mail sometime in July. I have earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer and Information Science, which is easily the most respectable-sounding piece of paper I've ever owned.

So, the job search has commenced. I'm signed up online for various job hunting services and trying to keep an eye out for great opportunities. Naturally, my mom still highlights stuff she's seen in the newspaper and leaves them for me to find, because that's how her generation does things. She's very hopeful and proud of me. Apparently I'm the first person in our family to get a BS. My mom only has an Associate's, and my dad didn't go to college. Makes me wonder sometimes how they managed to have a combined gross annual income over $100,000. It always sounds like a lot to me, but you know, taxes and all drain that quickly.

Also, I have a feeling my productivity in job hunting will be slightly hurt by the fact that I've just started Mass Effect 2 (and have purchased the third installment). I'm pretty hooked to this thing so far. I don't play video games like that daily, but once the game console is turned on, I have a difficult time turning it off. Anyway, a lot of Mass Effect jokes suddenly make sense to me, and I've decided that if Garrus and Kasumi Goto were able to conceive a child, it would be the most phenomenally amazing, charming, and lethal bad-ass in the history of fiction. Or maybe it'd grow up to be an accountant. There's no telling with kids.

Also again, I'm typing this at 4am. I started living in the daylight like a normal person for a while there, but apparently my circadian just has no rhythm, because here I am in the wee hours again. I might pull and all-nighter and try to reset my internal clock again. Hell, it worked once this year.

That's all for now. Peace and love, readers. Speak softly, but carry a big Arc Projector.

Just shouting at deaf ears

Have you read this yet? Here's the gist:

(CNN) -- A gay teenager who pulled a stun gun on students he said bullied him has been expelled from his Indianapolis high school until January.

"While the district does not condone bullying, it also does not allow weapons to be brought on our school campuses for any reason," a spokeswoman for Indianapolis Public Schools said Tuesday. "Students who violate this rule will be held accountable."

I was about to share this on Facebook, thinking the story could stand some more attention, but... fuck it. One more snarky comment from me isn't going to suddenly make things better. Now, I had a whole angry rant here about how public schools are full of shit, but that's really not the point I hope to make, so in the interest of being informative rather than just blowing off steam, I'm going to scale it back a little. So, let me just get a few thoughts about this specific story out first, and then we'll get to the heart of the matter.

The environment in our schools molds our children, and their low standards of education and care are clearly setting up our entire country to fail, but hey, who has the time and resources to solve that problem, right? Better to just make an example of the kid with the taser so they can keep up appearances without actually making their schools any safer.

"The district does not condone bullying," she said. "Students who violate the rights of others through bullying behaviors are held accountable."
Really? I wonder, how many bullies have been expelled? My guess is few or none. Seems like disproportionate punishment to me. Oh, but the student with the weapon has to be expelled, because obviously that weapon was making students feel unsafe in their school. By that logic, the bullies should've been expelled as well, but hey, that makes too much sense.

By the way, what kind of spokesperson actually has to say "we do not condone bullying"? I never once suspected they did, until they said that. Nobody (publicly) condones the practice of bullying, so when you make a point of saying that you don't condone it, it's overcompensating. I actually suspect worse things about this school because they went out of their way to say that.

Students take part in anti-bullying programs from kindergarten through 12th grade, district spokeswoman Mary Louise Bewley said. The district also offers Gay Straight Alliance groups on multiple campuses, including Arsenal Technical High School, where Young attended, Bewley said.
Yeah? How well is that working out for you? A gay student brought a taser to school because, in his own words, "I wasn't safe." Tell me, if a student is being pushed around and physically threatened by other students, what does your little alliance group do about that? How did this situation escalate so far before the school stepped in?

Look, it doesn't take a brilliant person to see the problem here. These punishments are clearly reactive in nature, not proactive. They claim they have anti-bullying programs, but have these programs improved the social atmosphere in schools? Obviously not. I don't know, maybe if kids respected your staff at all, they'd listen to what they had to say in these programs, but my guess is they don't.

Okay, ready? Heart of the matter time:

You know what would go a long way toward ending bullying in schools? Showing the kids, through our actions, that judging somebody because they're different is completely unacceptable and utterly un-American.

How do we do that? Well, off the top of my head... Legalize gay marriage. Stop cultivating a culture where gays are considered aberrant and a danger to our way of life. When prejudice and hatred dictate policy in our government, it teaches our kids far more than any cheap public school workshop will.

Kids bully because we've taught them to do so; we show them that's how the world works. Look at our politics; look at our wars; look at our reality tv; look at cable news. We've taught them that aggression, drama and violence are the tools for success. Are we really this fucking stupid?

Well, for once, I'm going to call on you, the person reading my frustrated diatribe, to take action. Even if you don't share this actual post, share the idea. Make other people connect the dots. We can't publicly say we're against bullying while our actions send the opposite message. Actions speak louder than words; we've all heard this. Isn't it high time we lived that creed? Shouldn't we practice what we preach? Or are we going to continue letting fear, misinformation and hatred tear our culture apart?

Stop telling our kids how to act and then wondering what went wrong. Be a fucking role model.

That's all I needed to say for now. Peace and love, all you happy people.

Just checked Hubpages again

So, I got another accolade on Hubpages. This time, it says that I got the Engaging Writer accolade, which means that most people who read my articles stay on the page and read it all the way to the end. I still get a fairly steady stream of new comments to moderate as well; roughly two per week. You know what's noteworthy about this?

I haven't written an article for Hubpages in over a year and a half. The old stuff isn't exactly advertised by me. Hell, some of those opinion pieces are on opinions I don't really hold anymore (the ones about God and spirituality, mostly). And yet, those articles see more traffic than this blog. It's enough to make me think I should take writing my opinions a little more seriously again. I might actually make a little money.

It's worth noting, though, that I'm getting a little more mean-spirited online of late. I'm polite and courteous to people whom I think deserve it, but most of my writing now (which is just comments on Internet forums) is of a darker demeanor. Maybe that's just my persona there. Maybe I'm actually becoming more pessimistic, more spiteful. Then again, maybe I just see things as they are and don't like to mince words. For example:

Hubpages is a cesspool of humanity. That's why I left. There are intelligent people writing for the site, but they don't account for more than 30% of the total userbase. Go look at the answers section or recently published sometime. For every useful or interesting article (I still refuse to call them "hubs" because that's moronic), there are two or three articles that have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The answers are worse; people state their sick, deluded opinions as if they are infallible, and that's just the ones who can actually fucking speak English.

Such is my displeasure with the world. I dislike being reclusive, but whenever I pay attention to other people, I inevitably am introduced to somebody who, if they stood in front of me and said the things they say online, I would be forced to violently choke them to death purely out of a sense of cosmic justice. "Do not suffer a selfish, dangerous prick to live." That is my belief. I don't know for sure that I would have the resolve to kill a person if it came to that, but I've interacted with quite a few people that would have a good chance of pushing me to that. I realize and accept that the world is full of people with all different opinions and cultures, but there are some people that, in my mind, are simply detrimental to the rest of society.

If they can't be killed, minimally, they should have their proverbial soap boxes taken away. We in the US enjoy the right of freedom of speech; that doesn't entitle you to force your twisted views upon others. Show a little respect for others for once. The world doesn't revolve around your stupid inflated heads.

Sorry, I'm done ranting for now. I hope I sort of made my point, though. My disdain, while I think it's justified, is not entirely productive, and doesn't always warrant sharing with others. I am trying to cheer up and be nicer, I promise.

Anyway, that's it. Peace and love, my dear readers. Keep your minds and hearts open.

Just letting words fall out of my head

I have a headache, so I probably shouldn't be thinking so hard. For once in my life, I should try to get to bed early tonight. Knowing me, I'll instead be up at all hours discussing inane crap with people on forums, watching stupid videos, playing games, or doing things I shouldn't talk about it polite company.

Most of those things involve looking at porn.

On the bright side, the whole writers' group thing is going pretty well. I don't know how many weeks we have left, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm debating introducing them to my whole comic story idea thing. I've barely talked about it here, and for good reason. It's basically the product of me lying awake at night thinking, "How much absurd, ridiculous stuff can I pack into a single science-fiction/fantasy storyline and still make it vaguely coherent? Is it possible to write a piece of fiction so convoluted and full of parodies, homages, references, memes and literary devices that its TV-Tropes article would be longer than the piece itself?"

Seriously, its a little horrifying. It's been in the works for over 5 years now and just keeps getting bigger and more outrageous. It's gotten to the point that I'm now thinking maybe the comic still isn't meta enough, so I'm making plans to write a comic about the comic. It's only a matter of time before I start writing a comic about that comic, too. Not much drawing has gotten done, as you can imagine.

In other news: The Binding of Isaac. I finally bought the game and played it a bit. I'm not in love with it yet, but it definitely has a lot to offer. Aside from that, it's nice to be reminded that a deeply disturbing and awful game premise can't detract from great game mechanics. Of course, for sickos like me, the murderous and blasphemous aesthetic is a selling point. The same goes for the difficulty level. Clearly, this one's not for everybody, so I really want to get at least one ending, just so I can feel like I'm part of some exclusive secret society of gamers. You think they have cool cultist-looking robes, or a secret handshake, or get to attend a special banquet with the Prime Minister of Russia and the Illuminati on the top floor of that giant hotel in Dubai?

Alright, that's enough of this silliness. Peace and love, readers.

Just had to make sure it's Wednesday

I've been getting a lot less sure lately about what day of the week it is, and when I remember events from the past few days, I'm not totally certain what day they occurred. This could just be forgetfulness, or a side-effect of not having a serious schedule over the holidays. Still, I can't shake the feeling that I might be experiencing some kind of weird temporal displacement that is slowly unsticking me from fabric of space-time. I'm afraid I'll go for a walk one day, then get back 20 minutes later to find out I'd been gone for 30 years. Or that I accidentally wandered into the 1970's. I can't say which scenario would be scarier.

Anyway, other developments: this writers' group thing I was in during the summer is getting back together a few times before Spring classes start. This past Monday night, I got to hang out with some cool people for the first time in a while, and it was fun. Also, I got treated to a lot of free food, which I'm not at all used to. At least, not from people outside my immediate family.

So I have some writing to do for the next meeting. I should really get working on that. Peace and love, readers.

Just confirmed something, and learned other things

Apparently, even the least offensive man I can think of off-hand can offend someone from time to time without even trying. Yet I can write intentionally controversial things and hardly get any backlash. It's a matter of readership volume, I guess. People being insulted is clearly the mark of success, because it proves that somebody was paying attention to you in the first place.

Also, my friend John nicely proved two things. First, that everybody responds to their critics sometimes. Second, that it's possible to do so without reducing the quality of your prose. Playful irony and sarcasm go a long way. Bravo, sir.

Just thought of something else

This semester is over. It ended officially for me on Tuesday. I feel pretty good about how my classes ended, aside from one thing: for some reason, my teammates whom I'd been working with on group project apparently didn't turn in their work on time this week. I'm hoping it's just a little miscommunication or something, but I'm kind of worried; this project is a huge part of our grade for the course. Hopefully we'll sort it out soon.

I'm also just thinking now that, after my last post, I'd really like to try to lighten the mood. I've been entirely too bitter, cynical, jaded, and generally a miserable person to talk to. I guess it's fortunate I don't really have a social life, and relatively few people will ever has the lousy fortune to read this mess. With the holiday season upon us, I'm hoping to avoid too much rest and relaxation if I can help it. I'd really feel much better about myself, and life in general, if I could really accomplish some things. I'm thinking about finding work, but I somehow doubt that would make me feel fulfilled at all. Plus, I'm bound to get my fill of work in the spring when I become a college graduate.

Anyway, I won't say what I'm actually doing or even hoping to do this season, because making plans usually backfires for me. Instead I'll just ask that you wish me luck, and more importantly energy to meet life's little challenges. Sound good? Great, thank you. Peace and love, and I hope you have a happy and/or merry whatever-you-celebrate this month.

Just a little Grinchier this season

Frankly, I think this needs to be said. I don't care if it offends anyone.

There is no War on Christmas. Everyone is hyper-sensitive about everything nowadays. The whole reason things like "Happy Holidays" and not openly celebrating Christmas in schools came about was because non-Christians were offended and felt deliberately left out. So, we tried to appease everybody with our non-denominational season's greetings, and then the Christians decided to take offense because we weren't giving them preferential treatment anymore.

When the day comes when a company forbids its employees from saying Merry Christmas, or a gated community forbids its residents from having Christmas displays on their property, or a mayor of a town outlaws the celebration of Christmas in any form, then there will be legitimate reason to be upset. But some guy sending out invitations to a Tree Lighting Ceremony without the word Christmas on it? Come on.

Anyone who takes offense to those little acts of non-denominational politeness needs their small heart to grow three sizes this day.

Then explode and kill them instantly.

That's all. No peace or love this time. I'm too tired and bitter to hope for that.

Just forgot all about it again

Brief life updates: I'm doing decently in school, just falling a bit behind this past week. Not a lot else going on, but I'm working on that. Sort of.

One of the things on my list of stuff to do when I'm financially independent: get back to my dream research. For those wondering what that's about, go to Grasshopper Enterprises and read a few of the dream-related posts, particularly the Senoi Dreamers one. You'll know about as much as I currently do. If this crap interests you, feel free to examine my Dream Blog as well. I've sadly done little with it so far; a combination of not remembering most of my dreams and having better crap to do made me leave it lie, but I still want to get back into it, especially after this past morning, so there's a fresh post there now as well. If you're reading this, it should already be posted.

The other thing... Aw, crap, I managed to forget what the other thing was while writing that dream blog post. Hang on, it'll come back to me. In the meantime:

Buying a good Stevie Ray Vaughan collection, and finally listening to the Little Feat live album I was given by my aunt and/or cousin last Christmas. These are two things I did recently that I should've done much sooner. I love Stevie Ray Vaughan, and while I've only listened to a couple songs from the Little Feat album, I'm loving it so far. Music is a vital part of my life; it helps keep me going. It's sad how I manage to forget that sometimes.

Oh, remind me to learn to sing eventually, too. I'm as tone deaf as a rotten log, but I figure I can get better.

Now, that other thing... Ugh, dammit. I still don't know what it was. And the whole theme of this post was remembering things. Guess I screwed that up.

Alright, it's late at night and I need to at least try to sleep, so that'll have to be all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.

Just found it funny

I was browsing a few videos just now, and came upon this video of John Cleese giving a lecture.



It's pretty fascinating so far, but I thought I'd better enjoy it if I finished my browsing and general dickery first, then finished watching afterward. As luck would have it, I clicked Pause just after he mentioned how awful it is to be interrupted.

Sorry, John. Well, on to some updates:

On the bright side, I sense a little bit of creative energy bubbling up inside me. My computer has crashed on me a few times now, so I've been falling behind a little in my work, but I'm still hopeful that I'll find more time for creative projects. At the very least, I should be writing a bit here a couple times a week to try and keep my right brain fertile. Even if I don't have anything spectacular to share, the act of typing it out as a coherent thought may be beneficial.

Prior to the first computer crash, I did briefly have my Wacom tablet installed, and I was pretty impressed with how it worked, cheap model that it is. It's awkward getting used to moving the cursor normally with it, but drawing feels pretty intuitive, so I'm excited to reinstall the drivers and properly run it through its paces. I guess schoolwork takes priority, though.

Alright, that's enough for the moment. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Just a few things

To anybody who happens to find their way here from LinkedIn:

I am so very sorry.

Oh, if anyone's curious what I've been up to with classes lately, my game journal sums up a lot of it. I don't recommend reading it too long though, as there's nothing too deeply insightful. It's for a grade, after all.

There isn't much else to report on right now, though it occurs to me that half the reason my blog and twitter are so silent is because my every inane thought is usually wasted elsewhere on the Internet (I won't say where; they don't need the traffic and I don't need the shame). So here are some of my recent thoughts and anecdotes:

"I only started using Chrome because my Firefox install somehow got horribly corrupted and I didn't want to bother fixing it. I really don't understand the dislike, though. The only thing I've run into lately that it can't do is play animated PNG images, and those are stupid anyway."
~
"I'm not sure why, but it just makes me so happy to know that the word defenestrate exists. I hope to use it in a proper context someday. I kind of want this date to be a holiday too."
~
"Just when I start to think modern rock may actually be as good as classic, George Thorogood or Stevie Ray Vaughan comes on."
~
"Last night I finally got around to installing the device drivers and software to try out my new drawing tablet. It seemed pretty cool. Then a few hours later my computer crashed. Recurring blue-screen and all. Thank god I had the good sense to back up some of my files beforehand. I almost lost an important project I've been doing for a class.

I wonder if it's a sign, though. I finally get up the motivation to even think about drawing again, and the universe throws a wrench in the works. Maybe somebody's trying to tell me something.

Or maybe it's somehow Chrome's fault."
~
"I have mild asthma. If I could, I would punch my own lungs in the face."
~
"I really want my own Curiosity Core now. Do they make plushies of those anywhere? They really should."

That's it for now. Peace and love, all.

Just more of the same

I've had my shiny new Wacom tablet for a week now. It hasn't even left the box yet. I swear I think about my comic project at least a few times a week on average, yet I can't find the damn motivation to take some time and work on it. Even now with a tool that'd make the process quicker and easier, I don't find the time. I wonder if I've just grown comfortable with my mediocre unfulfilling life.

I never write anymore either, which leads me to think the same. At least with drawing I have the excuse that I suck. I'm actually a decent writer though, and I usually enjoy writing, so there's no reason for me to NOT do it. And hell, with the shit that gets successfully published and produced these days, I'd have at least a snowball's chance at a career with it, yet I don't do anything.

What am I missing? What have I lost?

Just one more thing

Matt Schunk is a punk bitch and I will take him down anywhere, anytime. Believe it.

Seriously, though, I do miss you dude. We need to hang out sometime.

Just getting started

Fall '11 classes are on. I'm taking two courses: Computer Graphics (so dull it's ridiculous), and a theory of game design course. For the latter, I'm required to keep a game journal, reviewing new games I play and relating them to our course material. If anyone would like to read it, it's located here, and in all likelihood I'll be updating it more often than I update this thing.

I'm "on call" for work, but it appears I'm basically done there. It's fine, I knew it'd be a temporary thing anyway. I still have one or two paychecks to wait on, and they may call me in again if they need help with ad-hoc testing. We'll see, I guess.

Also, I'm single. I kind of already was before, except now there are no girls at all that I'm hoping to have a relationship with. In related news, the list of people who hate me has grown by at least one, so... hooray for that. I always knew I had problems communicating my thoughts and feelings, I just never knew it could make me look like a monster to some people. It's surprising I haven't stuck to this blog more, since one-off monologues seem to be the only form of communication I don't always fail at. I don't know, there might be hope for my love life yet, but I'm not about to pursue anything else for a while.

To further shoot myself in the foot, I'll go ahead and mention here how I got a new drawing tablet for my birthday (yeah, I'm 24, and don't really place any significance on it). I'm hoping that the medium of tablet drawing will someone be enjoyable enough to me that it'll motivate me to work on my comic again, but I'm clearly going to jinx myself by saying anything about it here. Every time I proclaim that I'm turning over a new leaf, getting motivated and getting a serious start on this thing, I always end up abandoning it again. I hope that won't happen this time, but... well, why be unrealistic with my expectations?

It also occurs to me I won't be able to keep up this stupid post naming trend much longer, but I'll no doubt push it as far as it'll go. Or at least, just a little farther.

That's basically it for now. I'll return to my previous regular sign-off, if only because neither of these things are very abundant:
Peace and love, everyone.

Just realized something

I never updated this thing about some important things that happened this summer.

For one, the fact that I got a job is kind of a big deal. It's like an internship thing, and it's temporary though I don't know how temporary. The pay is good but on a 2-week delay roughly. Also there is the minor problem of having to work 9am to 5pm every weekday. It's pretty hard on me, being a career insomniac, and spending that much time around so many people hasn't been totally easy either. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word.

Still, it's nice to have money, or it will be when my check comes on the 31st or so. Still on schedule to return to SUNYIT part-time on August 30th though, so will have to work things out with the job by then. Not sure if I'm going to be let go by then or not.

Also, I've been trying to have some kind of long-distance relationship with somebody I met online. It hasn't been easy. Aside from the distance, we seem to have problems communicating and getting along sometimes. I'm hoping we'll be able to work it out though. She means a lot to me, and I'd hate to see things end abruptly on a sour note. Naturally, I fear that could happen on pretty much any given day. I'll keep trying, but I guess only time will tell if we are really right for one another. Here's hoping love can find a way.

That's about it right now. Guess I'll check in next month, unless I suddenly feel inspired to write more. Signing off.

Just another update

I'm doing better than I was when I wrote that last post. Still not great, but a lot better. I've gotten back into drawing finally, my hygiene is better... it's a start, anyway. Still have to find a way to sleep at night, then not sleep during the day, but I'll keep working on it.

The Sallie Mae business is more or less taken care of. My family generously took care of the outstanding balance (which I still think shouldn't have been there in the first place, but what can I do?) I've at least had a chance to reduce the payments, so hopefully we won't have any more of this crap.

Beyond that, I'm hoping I'll get enough done on my one novel project to submit that soon. I still have no idea if publishers will accept partial manuscripts or not, but I'm guessing not.

That's about it. Goodnight, all.

Just felt like bitching and moaning

The title says it all. This is meant to be therapeutic for me, mainly, so don't expect anything especially captivating or interesting in this post.

For those who haven't heard, I dropped out of school. Again. Apparently I can't handle real life very well. Honestly, I had the easiest semester you could possibly imagine while still maintaining full-time status, and I still couldn't handle it. I've been too mind-numbingly depressed for any kind of responsibility at all. I have definitely lost all faith in the ability of medicine to help me manage my symptoms. I need to make some serious changes, that's for sure.

I'm sure the whole situation wasn't helped by how jaded I've become to the notion of finishing my degree. Especially since learning just how little all my CS studies have actually prepared me for a career in programming. Look at any careers or help wanted site; the demand for programmers right now revolves almost entirely around people who are experts in .NET, Flex, PHP, the Android environment, the Facebook platform, and pretty much everything to do with social networking, mobile applications and various other up-and-coming web platforms that I NEVER learned a thing about.

All I learned from some 5 years of college was some Java (not enough to make anything really cool with), C++ and C#, a semester of Scheme (which is great because 1, nobody fucking knows what Scheme is let alone uses it, and 2, I can't remember shit about it now anyway), a little Unix experience (again, not enough to do anything with), and a stockpile of general theoretical bullshit relating to operating systems and application development. I'm sure at least some of it has better prepared me to learn new languages or platforms, but that's not what employers are looking for now. They're not looking for interns to spend weeks teaching how to do shit in the hopes they'll be useful employees someday. They want people who already have training and experience working on these kinds of projects. That's something I never really got.

Seriously, higher education is a giant waste of money in absolutely every way. I'm essentially one semester away from having a degree, and I almost don't want to bother anymore. The only way it helps me is if I find an employer stupid enough to think a Bachelor's is any kind of substitute for actual contract work.

Also, I'm pretty sure now I thoroughly hate the general concept of dating and all the drama that surrounds it. I definitely hate relationships, and not just the romantic variety. I genuinely despise interacting with other people in virtually all settings.

It's probably worth mentioning, I definitely hate the way things have been turning out with a certain girl I know. I knew from the start we were better off just being friends, but she expressed what I thought was a serious interest in me. We kept hanging out, and God help me, I started falling for her. I liked her as more than just a friend, and I was attracted to her both physically and mentally. Then, just when it seemed like things were getting serious, and I had come to actually welcome that possibility, she kindly reminded me that she's still not over her ex, and likely won't be anytime soon.

So, we float now in the friend zone, slowly drifting further apart with each passing day, and I'm pretty much sick from the whole thing. I shared things with this girl I never share with anyone. I let myself get closer than I ever do with anyone, and made myself vulnerable because I wanted to believe it might work out. Well, as it turned out, I was right from the beginning. We would've been way better off if we'd stayed friends like we started out, but no, things had to get complicated. It's just a rotten mess. I can't talk naturally and candidly with her like I used to. I feel awkward and stupid, and I basically just don't even want to talk to her anymore, because whatever connection we had before got all fucked up.

Anyway, I don't know what's next for us. I'm guessing we'll slowly just stop communicating altogether, just like every other friend I've ever had. I don't want that to happen. I'd love it if I could go back to being comfortable talking to her again, or even take things further than that, but I know me, and I know it's very unlikely I'll ever be able to really care about someone like that again.

I find lately that I will cry during some romantic movies or family-type things. I know why it happens, too. It's never when something tragic is happening; it's always when someone is talking about true love or something similar. I cry when that happens because I know it's all bullshit. I cry because those moments remind me what a total farce the whole concept of love is. It's not the beautiful interpersonal connection it's portrayed as.

Here's what love is: you open your heart to someone, and sometimes they'll open theirs to you as well, and for a few fleeting moments you can be happy together. Mostly, though, when you open your heart to them, all you've really done is made it possible for them to injure you emotionally. And they will. A lot, whether they mean to or not. In all likelihood, if you were in sync enough, you'll be hurting them at the same time. You can probably still make each other happy if you really try, but the happiness is pathetically fleeting. The hurt lasts much longer.

On a different note, the dream blog I started isn't seeing much use, since I'm remembering my dreams even less than I used to. I guess I have to work on my diet.

Things I currently should be doing that I'm not: working out, sleeping regularly, watching my diet, bathing regularly, finding a job, writing, drawing, reading, playing Wii games (to improve my endorphine levels or whatever), trying to get published, practicing my C# skills, learning a musical instrument and/or how to sing. Really, any one of these would be nice.

What I am doing most of the time is finding any way I can to waste time and temporarily distract myself from the fact that I wish with every fiber of my being that I was dead. Don't worry, though, I'm sure I won't try to kill myself. That would require some form of commitment on my part, and God knows that won't happen. I never achieve anything I aspire to regardless of the level of effort I put in, so why knock myself out?

So, I think I'll sign off for now. I'd close with another 'peace and love,' but why keep perpetuating bullshit myths?

I really shouldn't have to hear this bull today

Despite having real-life things to write about, it took something like this to make me passionate enough to write again.

So, if you've been living under a rock, Osama bin Laden has been killed. Hard evidence hasn't been shared yet, but the story seems legit to me so far, and I gotta say I'm very hopeful they really got him this time.

That said, it never ceases to amaze me how, even on a day like this, people who buy in to conspiracy BS always manage to cast a sour feeling over what should be a celebratory day. I'll tell you right now, I am NOT revisiting why 9/11 wasn't an inside job. I will, however, share my feelings regarding today, and regarding comments like the following quote, which in my opinion have been far too numerous.

"Osama Ben Laden was the "bad son" of the Ben Laden family. The Bushes had been in league with the Ben Laden over oil revenues for 25 years when he died. (?) The fact that this never came to the fore during investigations seems ...interesting. 911 was a set up. It is politicians and their money playing games that cost lives and inspire fear and hatred in the masses. Most of us are "Sheeple" and so cannot (or will not) think for themselves. I know you've seen the movie, now read the book;) I don't see anyone demanding Bushes head on a stick..and he has done the largest amount of physical, emotional, financial, and civilian damage. Get your head out of your asses..you can be American and not believe in your government. Patriotic means that you have your countrymen at heart.
Most Americans are not aware that 100% of the constitution has been ammended with clauses to allow the government to simply bypass said rights when they feel the time suits. Bullshit?..Whatever. no way. Couldn't be.
Like I said..Read the book. There is something to be said for looking deeper."

I will not disclose any information about the person who wrote that, on the off chance they might actually regret saying it someday.

First off, I'm really bothered that someone can attack people for "not thinking for themselves" while simultaneously spewing verbatim some theory they heard from someone else without bothering to research any of it. That level of hypocrisy kind of scares me.

Second, I don't think this day has anything to do with whether or not we should trust our government. I personally think our government is trustworthy at least sometimes, but that's besides the point. Bin Laden is dead. He was one of the most evil guys on Earth, and they shot him dead. You have to be in some serious denial to think that we're not better off without him. Granted, some people argue that this will enrage radicals into retaliating, but let's be honest: these people already dedicated their lives to hating everything about the West and trying to kill us all. I seriously doubt this will amount to a big change in their plans. It's not like they were thinking, "Well, maybe the West isn't really the biggest evil... Wait, what? They killed Osama? Well, that settles it! Death to America! I'll never doubt again."

I want to be brief with this, because I know nothing good will ever come from trying to rationally debate people such as the one who wrote the comment above, so I'll close with the following:

Whatever your political beliefs, you surely acknowledge that the spread of blind hatred and murderous rage is a bad thing. Osama bin Laden made a lifetime commitment of making his followers hate not only the West, but anyone who didn't agree with their extreme views. They mercilessly killed countless innocent people, and no doubt will continue to after today. Osama being dead at least accomplishes two things:
1) It gives survivors of 9/11 some feeling of solace or closure, that their lost loved ones were not forgotten after nearly 10 years, and one of the men responsible was taken out of the equation.
2) It sends a message to the terrorists of the world that their actions won't be tolerated. I'm sure few of them have enough humanity left in their hearts to fear for even their own safety, but if this means even a few terrorists give up on their cause, I'd say it has been worth it.

That's all I'll say on this. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Updates; More to Come?

It's funny, how little I update things like this. Even my twitter account doesn't see that much use, and I'll tweet any stupid little thought that I feel like sharing. Could it be that whatever ridiculous narcissistic bug that has taken over the tech generation has passed me over somehow? Maybe. More than likely that just comes with the depression territory.

Speaking of which, I'm totally off meds for the first time in a while. I'm sleeping in weird intervals again, but otherwise the mood's been mostly good. I'm still not back in school yet, and haven't landed a job, but things are slowly changing.

It's probably worth noting that I seem to have a girlfriend-type person in my life now. Kind of big news for anybody who knows me, but I'm a little tired to talk about it now. I'll do a proper post about the whole thing soon.

Meanwhile, I have a few anti-poverty prospects upcoming very soon. For one, I've been following a certain radio show that holds a trivia gameshow every week. I'm not telling what the show is because the pot's getting big and you might be tempted to try for it yourself, and dammit I want the monneh!

Other than that, there's something more promising: a publisher is holding a sort of meet-and-greet to get to know some new authors. I plan on being there to show off some of my stuff. I somehow doubt my old novel is worth showing, but I'll bring a digital copy, along with one of my favorite short stories, a new book in progress, and maybe a couple other projects to sample.

Lastly, and this should be good because it's almost a guarantee: jury duty. I'm due in next week to serve, and they pay you for your time if you're unemployed or your job doesn't pay your time off. I'm sure most people would consider this boring, but considering we're talking about jury duty in Schenectady, I'm expecting some chuckle-worthy moments, if only in retelling the story later. You can expect to see a post about that next week.

So, yeah, as things are kind of picking up with my life finally, I might just start updating more regularly. There are at least 2 posts I plan on writing in the immediate future, so there's a start. In the meantime, I'm sure you'll find something else to amuse yourself with. I will, however, leave you with this:

Guess who has two thumbs a tired meme and got laid this week.



(No, not Bob Kelso. Me)

Anyway, that's it. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

New: Dan's Dream Blog

So, I know I haven't posted crap here in a long time. Virtually nothing is happening in my life right now. Kind of met somebody, but it's not really going anywhere; thinking about getting a job and putting off my last semester of college a bit longer. You're not missing anything.

Anyway, just thought I'd let my reader(s) know I started a new dream blog. I've always been interested in the subject of lucid dreaming, and I need a means to remember my dreams for longer, so I figured this could be useful, and who knows, maybe even worth reading. Here's the first post:

Dan's Dream Blog: Lucid, 3/26 - 3/27/11: The Snakehead Incident: "For the sake of remembering my dreams, as well as maybe entertaining and informing others, I've started this dream blog. Here's the dream I ..."

So yeah, take a look. I'll still probably update here on anything interesting in my real life, but all dream stuff will go there. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Re: Attention Whores

So yeah, some people just can't live without being the center of attention. I can't say I blame them. I enjoy unwarranted attention from others as well. There is of course a minor difference between me and some other people: I'm awesome. If people worship the ground I walk on, I say well, of course, why doesn't everyone? But we're getting off track here.

I haven't communicated with my arch nemesis in quite a while. Maybe I've just been too busy with stuff of my own, but anyway I guess I have to give credit where credit was due. Whereas I've pretty much let the Halloween tradition stagnate, this past year consisting of a crappy party in the lounge and not much else, Schunk has continued to take the tradition seriously. This past year, unbeknownst to me, he constructed yet another memorable Halloween costume. Well, I just got to see the pictures recently, and I guess it's time I said something.



Schunk of course cropped the other guy out of this shot, because God forbid the spotlight should be taken off of him.

Well, first thing's first: I have to point out how deeply disturbed I am by the sight of Schunk in shorts that are this short. Other than that, I have to admit the ensemble is pretty accurate. The wig, the mustache, the colorful attire. He's a dead ringer for Lady GaGa.

Okay, I kid. Obviously it's a Hulk Hogan costume, and a pretty convincing one. Looking at this pic above I almost expect to see a Rent-A-Center logo in the corner. I have to say I was a little saddened to see Hulk in such a commercial, but I can't blame him. Whatcha gonna do, brother? Whatcha gonna do, when the IRS runs wild on you?

So I guess that's about it. Regardless of any homoerotic qualities the outfit might have, I have to give Schunk credit for putting together a good Halloween costume when I was too lazy to do so. What's more, he successfully tricked me into looking at all his latest Facebook photos. Between the Hulkamania pics, the green man molesting some poor boy and whatever the fuck this is, I think I need to pull my eyeballs out of my head and scrub them with steel wool.

You win this round, Schunk. But rest assured, once the nightmares subside, I will have my revenge. In the meantime, I hope you had a good holiday season and a happy new year. Talk to me if you want; I'm not hard to get ahold of. To everyone else, peace and love.

RIP

Marlon Hutchinson, my grandfather, passed away early this morning. I can't say I was surprised, given he's been battling cancer for most of the past year. Nevertheless, he will be missed.

Merry whatever you celebrate

I'll have some choice words for a certain guy whose last name sounds like a comic book sound effect, but that's later. For now, I'm enjoying my holiday. You enjoy this:

The Hunt is Over

Click

Well, all I can say is I'm glad somebody finally found the damn thing.

The Mind of Man Rests

So, I figured I should mention here in case anyone still reads this: there's a bit of a scavenger hunt going on across the 'net. It's all about this phrase:

"The mind of man rests on a delicate balance between reality - the world of light, and the other darker world below the threshold of consciousness... and it is from this world of darkness which comes the evil destructive forces in man's nature."

This thing has been showing up all over, as you can see in the description of this video. No one seems to know what film or show or whatever the audio is from. I'm guessing I'm a little late to the party here, but to my knowledge the answer hasn't been found yet.

Anyway, this has really piqued my curiosity, so even if I'm not the winner, I want to know what the quote is from. If anybody can help me, I'd really appreciate it. If you actually help me win the scavenger hunt, I'll make love to your soul.

...Or I guess a simple thank-you works, too. And maybe I'll give you like $5 if you have paypal.

On a related note, I can't help but feel that "The Mind of Man Rests" would be a great title for a book. Or maybe an alternative rock song. But don't get any bright ideas; I want to be the one who uses it for that purpose. Don't go using TMMR for your book's title, or I'll do mean, bizarre things to you, eventually confusing you to the point that you lose all grip on reality.

So, yeah, I'd welcome any help with this. If we don't win, thanks anyway for trying. And by all means let me know if you hear that phrase somewhere else.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gonnit, people like me

Okay, so I guess I can stop feeling sorry for myself. I've pretty well gotten back on track academically, aside from a pending makeup test and some programming assignments I have to finish up. I seem to be on schedule to graduate in May, provided I pass my classes this semester. If I don't, I might just choose to take a break in the spring, but right now things are looking pretty good.

My only real problem at this point is my apparent inability to get that webcomic off the ground. I downloaded the software, I have scripts planned out, but I never seem to get around to drawing anything. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll make it happen this week, but I get the feeling I won't be ready to launch the website by the end of the year. So, that has me a little bummed.

Anyway, that's about it for now. I'll check in with more info whenever. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Re: Personal problems

I really don't like to write things here about my personal life if I can help it. The obvious exceptions are anecdotes that I think might be funny or at least enjoyable by someone. Of course, most of my life isn't that interesting, and so I have relatively little to write here. However, I feel tonight should break with tradition, if only to let people know what's going on.

To put it simply, I've been having a rough sort of depression relapse. I'm having a very hard time finding the will to even get out of bed in the morning. I think it's hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it, but suffice to say it's pretty amazing I haven't killed myself yet. I'm sure I have something to live for, but I'll be damned if I can think of what it is.

So, it's starting to look like I might be taking a break from school. I don't know yet what's going to happen, but it's fairly certain that I'm not graduating in May at this rate. So, I guess I don't know what's next for me. I'm getting some blood work done tomorrow, going to see a new doctor, maybe get some counseling. Other than that, it's a mystery.

Really, I hate this. I know how this must look to most people, and I feel totally pathetic, but this mess has gotten out of control. I'm not just depressed; there is something clinically wrong with me. Nobody should feel this way all the time for no reason.

Anyway, I'm hoping I'll find a way to turn this into something good. If I end up taking some time off, I'll try to make the most of it, either writing or drawing. I don't know, I just don't want to waste my damn life forever. In the meantime, though, I guess I'm sitting in front of the computer like an ass playing Castle Age and growing a beard. Could be worse, I guess. I could be playing World of Warcraft.

Re: the RP stigma

This hopefully won't come as a shock to anyone, but I'm a total dork. As such, I feel right at home in online fantasy worlds like IMVU, and feel a certain kinship with roleplayers, or RPers if you're just too busy to write the damn word out.

Okay, so there's this poll going around about whether roleplayers deserve to have a subforum of their own on the IMVU forums. This would give them a place to discuss all things RP-related without being bothered by anyone, and without their discussions bothering anyone else.

Click to View the Poll

Regardless of what you think of roleplaying, this isn't rocket science. There are people on the forums who don't want roleplayers discussing their storylines, characters etc. in the Misc section or other parts of the forum where it's not really relevant, and the roleplayers want to have a central place where they can discuss their RP stuff without getting hassled (creating individual groups for this purpose hasn't been cutting it). Adding a subforum for roleplay-related discussion would make everyone happy.

Now, I could leave it at that, but I'll go one further and explain why the harassment these folks are getting is undeserved. If you don't care, feel free to stop reading now. Just go vote on that poll if you have an account, as it would be helping a good cause.

Here's the thing: a lot of people have this twisted perception of what "roleplaying" is. When some people hear the word roleplay, they immediately think of sex. Others may think of LARPers and DnD nerds dressing up as elves and doing creepy things in their parents' basement. The fact is, while those kinds of people might fall under the umbrella of "roleplaying", the term has a much broader definition.

Roleplaying is basically any time where you make up a fictional character (or characters) in a fictional setting and act out that character, typically in writing when we're referring to roleplay on the Internet. It's kind of like writing a fiction novel, but in multiplayer form. And there are all kinds of roleplay. Some people like to act out sexual fantasies with made up characters, while others just enjoy the writing exercise and the communities of people they meet.

The bottom line is, we all enjoyed playing make-believe as kids. Some of us are just under the ridiculous impression that it stops when we grow up. It doesn't. Actors and writers get payed to do it every day. And we do it whenever we watch, read, etc. What are movies, books and tv if not playing make-believe?

The truth is, a lot of people like to use their imagination, to imagine themselves in another person's shoes, in another time and place. This is what roleplaying is. Whether it's elves and orcs, angels and demons, or just plain old humans doing more interesting things than what you're doing right now. RPers are not freaks or sexual deviants or anything (most of them aren't, anyway >_>). For the most part they're just ordinary people who have a taste for the extraordinary.

So, yeah, to sum up, roleplayers are not all freaks. If you think so and treat them as such, you're a dickhead. Let them have their own forum section and quit being so god damn intolerant. "There are two kinds of people in this world I cannot tolerate: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch."

Another Lazy Update

What can I say? I have a lot of respect for Zach Weiner. He really has some powerful insights once in a while. Go read his comic if you're not already.

Re: Nov. 2nd

Did I vote today? No. Did I so much as find the motivation to leave my room today? Only to go to the bathroom once. You know, I hate to sound pathetic, but that's kind of how I'm feeling lately. I don't know if it's a problem with my meds or what, but it's getting harder to just get out of bed in the morning, or at all.

Of course, it doesn't help much that the political landscape is about as barren and depressing as it was this time 2 years ago. At least then we had Obama to be excited about. What is there now? I can't turn the tv on without seeing more ridiculous campaign ads trying to warp my perceptions of people. I'd be thrilled out of my mind if a candidate would just come forward and say what all their policies are, and the closest thing we've had to that was Basil Marceaux.



It's funny, really. In a sick sort of way. This basically describes our choices doesn't it? Go to the polling place and decide, do you want the country run by self-serving assholes or incompetent morons? Anyone with half a brain and a sense of morality became a doctor or fireman or something. They all stayed the hell out of politics.

Well, as much as I hate the prospect, I think I might just have to run for public office after all. Not now, obviously, but in my thirties when people might take me seriously. I don't want to be in charge of anything, and my time running a club on campus has proven I'm not entirely competent, but I have yet to see someone else come forward who I would entrust with our country's future.

Anyway, that's enough of my rambling tonight. Let me just close by saying this: do as I say and not as I do. Go vote if you haven't already. Of course if you're reading this it's probably too late anyway, but I felt I had to say it. Half the reason we have such awful people in charge is that the average person just doesn't care. The fact is, we have to care if we want things to ever get any better. So vote when you can, and pay attention to the political landscape. Do some research of your own on candidates you might like. If everyone can just start caring a little more, maybe we'll live up to the expectations of the greatest country in the world again.

As for me, I'm having a hard enough time caring whether I live or die, so don't look to me for advice on politics. Peace and love, all. Have a nice day, and uh, have a nice day.

Re: Kristen

She's freaking cool and stuff. So yeah. Her blog is linked to in the sidebar somewhere. Go read it. I'm serious, do it right now. Why are you still reading this? Get your mouse over there and click, dammit.

Re: Reactions

I guess this is a new feature with blogger. "New" meaning anything that's been added in like a year because I'm clueless. Anyway, posts now have little reaction buttons at the bottom, so if you like a particular post and want me to write more like it, click the button that seems appropriate.

EDUT: Assuming I get them to work, that is.

Re: Popularity

I'm wondering now what's better, to have millions of people think you're kind of cool, or to have a few select people think you're the coolest person ever. My knee-jerk reaction is to say the latter, but then having an exclusive fan club doesn't exactly translate to book sales, does it?

Anyway, I'm in an odd mood right now, so I thought I'd share. I'm realizing lately that, when communicating with people through means other than face-to-face conversation, I'm actually pretty fun to talk to. This is really no big surprise. I mean, even years ago I remember Jordan saying how I sound so much different on my blog than in person. (Incidentally, I wonder if he's still reading this...) I guess it just struck me recently how true this is for digital media in general.

I'm not going to go into specifics, but through no serious effort of my own, I seem to have become well liked by a handful of people I've never actually met. Which is cool in its own way, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe it should stay that way. Our having never met, I mean. I have this sinking feeling that if I were to meet any of these people in person, I would find a way to undo any positive image they had of me. It's funny, that by being myself online I am easily likable, but in real life I just don't have that capacity. I don't know why. I'd blame the depression, but that seems too easy. (I of course type this as I'm popping my second Prozac for the day)

So, here's the thing: again, I won't go into specifics, but someone I met online and I have been talking about meeting up at some point. I originally really liked the idea, but the more I think about it, the more I worry that whatever weird funk I have hanging over my head will overshadow any and all of my positive qualities. I'd hate to lose a friendship, but I feel like that's what is likely to happen if we meet. To meet me in person is essentially to see the worst side of me. Or one of the worst sides, anyway.

The bottom line is, I'm freer online to express myself, to show my best side. In real life, that side can be hard to see, especially when I'm still struggling with this whole depression thing. It's not really something I want to accept, even if it inevitably a part of me that will never go away completely. I don't really know what else to say about this, except that, if anyone is reading this, I hope you can recognize there is more to me than what I appear to be in person. A lot more. I think if we got to know each other well you'd see the better side of me more often, but that takes time, and somehow I don't think everyone wants to wait that long.

Whatever. I'm rambling now, so I'll sign off for tonight. One last unrelated thing I'll mention: ITPI is having a pre-Halloween party thing on Oct. 24th, so if you're in Utica, come join us in the Adirondack Lounge around 8pm. People who spend any time on campus before then will probably see some posters soon. I actually put a little effort into this one, so I'm going to try to get as many printed as I can manage. There'll be scary movies and candy. I'm getting a ouiji board, because hell, why not? It should be a good time.

I guess that's it. I'll post again whenever the mood strikes me. In the meantime, peace and love, y'all.

Re: Social updates

It's probably worth noting that, while I rarely update this blog anymore, my Twitter is fairly current. I'm not one of those people who updates 8 times a day, don't worry. I just throw out little tweets about things when the mood strikes me. So anyway, if anyone really wants to know what I'm currently up to, you can follow @danmayerisgod. Likewise, I'm on Facebook a lot (damn you Backyard Monsters and your addictiveness). Feel free to add me.

Oh, and I went to a Nickelback/Buckcherry/3 Days Grace concert on Wednesday night. While it was a lot of fun, I don't recommend going to concerts in the middle of the week, particularly if you have shit to do the next day. It doesn't end well.

So, yeah, that's all I wanted to say. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Re: Replies

Haven't gotten many. Maybe it relates to the lack of posts. Anyway, a few things to talk about. First, my birthday's coming up. Don't bother getting me anything. I'm not wild about the idea of commemorating something as inconsequential as my birth.

I'm going back to SUNYIT on Saturday. At that point, the IT Paranormal Investigators will be restarting, and hopefully I'll get a jump on a good visit this time. If not, we still have the option of having a seance and/or hitting each other with nerf weapons. The two are not related.

If you hadn't heard, I am working on my webcomic. I'm just really lazy and unmotivated, so it's not coming along quickly. Not to jinx myself, but I think I'll be ready to launch the site by Christmas. That includes having a backlog of pages, though.

Other than that, I still seem to be perfecting the art of being antisocial on social networking sites. Between Facebook, IMVU and TinierMe, I'm not sure how many friends I have that I never talk to. I wonder what will happen when I have to interact with people face-to-face again. I mean, the Meals on Wheels job gave me some experience with idle conversation, but I still have no idea what to say to girls that I'm attracted to. Could I be any more of a perpetual dork? I swear, it's amazing how many insecurities and pubescent hang-ups I still have with me. And it's weird, because for all my crippling flaws, I still not-so-secretly think I'm the coolest human being that ever lived. You don't get that much contradiction from a Scotch-Korean. Go figure.

I'm also starting to use twitter again, but my sole reason for doing so is trying to get on the Tosh.0 blog and/or the tv show. It's not even like I myself would be featured; we're talking about something I said on the Internet reappearing elsewhere on the Internet. It shouldn't be a big deal. And yet, I love Tosh.0, I think Daniel Tosh and his writers are geniuses, and I daydream about having my own web redemption, which is weird since I've never really had an epic Internet failure. All my videos are crap, and they never get watched. Nobody reads this tripe I'm spewing on my blog. Why else do you think I stopped posting here? Did you think I'd gotten a life? Like hell.

Anyway, I'm just rambling now, so I guess I'll sign off. Just one last thing: I might be doing some stand-up at an open mic night this Friday. It's at the Rolling Stone pub in Burnt Hills, so on the off chance anyone I know from the area is reading this, come see me sometime around 8ish on Friday night. Maybe we can catch up and I can pretend to remember who you are. It might be fun.

Alright, that's enough of that. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Re: Anniversary

My parents are off celebrating their wedding anniversary, and they'll be gone until Wednesday. They've been together some 30 years now. God, they're so old. I love them, though.

Meanwhile, my little sister plans on throwing a raging party while they're gone. I'll have to try to keep things under control. As long as the cops don't show up, I'll be happy.

Not much else going on at the moment. Hopefully I'll have some exciting news soon. By "exciting," I mean mildly interesting. And by "soon," I mean before Christmas.

Re: Life (Updates)

Strap in, because for once I have a lot to talk about.

Well, I finally did it. I shaved off my beard. So, I now get to look even younger than I did before. Ladies, the next move is yours.

Also, it appears that I don't suck at drawing quite as much as I thought. I'm getting better with practice, so my idea about doing a webcomic is actually coming closer to reality. I have a deviantart profile set up as a base of operations for now, at least until I decide on a place to host the strips. You can see a couple early sketches there now. I'll update here and elsewhere when my bastard brainchild finds a home.

And I'm back to working with Home Delivered Meals, if I didn't mention that already. I was supposed to be signed up for 3 mornings a week, but I keep getting asked to fill in, and I can't really say no because I need the money. Two hours and change baking in the morning sun can really take a lot out of me, so I don't like doing a lot of days in a row. Counting today, this weekend and next week, I'll have 6 days in a row. I know it seems like I shouldn't complain about such a short job, but I have to do a lot of running around town in those two to three hours, not to mention dealing with the occasional person who's less than happy to see you. And did I mention, Schenectady sucks. I'm covering someone's route this weekend, so that's two straight days right in the thick of it. My normal weekday route through the Niskayuna area isn't too bad (aside from that one guy who seems to be the bane of every other driver's existence). Maybe I'm just a wimp. Meh.

Oh, and incredibly, I still haven't gotten tired of TinierMe. I don't know why, but I like it. I've met some cool people, and I like collecting different clothes and crap, and playing the occasional games. If you care, my name on there is Tycoonius, and I accept pretty much all friend requests. To me, rejecting a friend request is insulting. Adding them as a friend and then quietly deleting them later is so much sneakier, and doesn't give me a guilt trip.

On the gaming front, I'm still married to my Wii. I still haven't tried to finish Muramasa yet, but I think I'll get to it eventually. In the meanwhile, the Hollywood Video near my house went out of business and I raided their collection before they closed. 3 games for about $30; not bad. Manhunt 2, I've been glued to that for a while now. I don't play every day, but often enough to say I'm really into it. The other two are de Blob, which is fun but just reeks of communist propaganda, and NiGHTS: Journey of Dreams. If the first game didn't cement it in you mind, this game confirms that NiGHTS is in fact the most androgynous character ever conceived. His/her voice actor is one of those female actors who usually does voices for young boys because she has a bit of masculinity in her tone. It's impossible to tell whether NiGHTS is intended to be a guy, a girl, or neither. Weirdness. On the bright side, Reala is still a bad-ass.

Here's another thing I remembered recently: you know that idea I had about a sport that would basically simulate a fighting game? Well, since discovering the wonder that is Nerf weapons, I'm starting to think this could really work. Come on, who wouldn't want to whack their friend with a nerf sword? And it would be good for anyone who has ever considered LARPing for the fights but was turned off by the dorky costumes. I really think this could catch on. I'm going to try to put a group together at SUNY IT in the fall, but if anyone wants to try this out before then, you know where to find me.

And guess what? George Thorogood and the Destroyers, whose show I attended last year, are coming back to Albany this August, and I roped the whole family into going with me. That should be fun. Now, I just wish I could get Nickelback/3 Days Grace/Buckcherry tickets... We'll see I guess.

Also, fuck you Facebook. Fuck you and your addictive apps and your viral invites. I swear, I will quit altogether one of these days, but for now Castle Age keeps pulling me back in.

And speaking of online games, BvS has had a ton of updates (McMasters got me hooked on mahjong), with more on the way. I'm still playing daily and loving it all. If you like simple browser-based games at all and/or consider yourself an anime fan (ie. if you either love or hate Naruto), give it a look. If you sign up, enter my guy's name in the referral field for some bonus stamina (It won't help me at this point; I've already got all the referral items).



I think that's about it for now. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Have you shaved off your beard and embraced the girly boy look yet. Seriously the ladies love that shit these days.

Not yet. I've been getting mixed messages on this, really. Some people think I look better with a beard.

What do you want to know?

Re: McMasters of BvS

Quote from the latest entry in the news feed:

"Tuesday 6/1 (13:44):

For the next week, EvilTaxi will have 11 HP as a Kaiju because MY DS HAS BEEN IN HIS FREAKING CAR FOR LIKE FOUR MONTHS AND HE NEVER NOTICED IT. I even ASKED HIM to LOOK IN HIS CAR and he was all "HURPADURR I DON SEE IT". He even CLEANED HIS CAR OUT FOR A CON AND DIDN'T SEE IT.
GREATER THAN UNDERSCORE LESS THAN, TAXI."

Awesome.

Re: China

You have to admit, this would never happen in New York.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Re: FML and GMH

I know from personal experience that bitching about my life on the Internet can be therapeutic. It's a cathartic release to get all that garbage out. However, I feel like sites like FML take it too far. Yeah, it's good to get that stuff out, but there comes a certain point where that stuff just isn't fun to read anymore, especially for depressive types like me. I mean, I'm pretty miserable in my own life. I can sometimes derive some sick pleasure from the misery of others, but I can only read so much of other people's suffering before the sympathy kicks in and I can't enjoy it anymore.

So, I recently discovered GMH. It's like FML, but instead of bad experiences, it's a collection of things that 'give me hope'. It's a sweet idea, and corny as it sounds, reading just a few off the front page each day can be really uplifting. For a guy like me who had lost almost all faith in humanity, these kinds of things really warm my heart.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that. If you're a cynical prick who enjoys hearing about others' pain, give FML a try. If you still have a shred of humanity in you, I'd suggest reading some GMH. If both of those sound like you, well, you're not alone. Bookmark them both just in case.

Re: LOST

I still had a few questions after the finale. Apparently I'm not alone.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Today, May 20th

Someone had the audacity to create a holiday called Everybody Draw Mohammed Day. The idea is to show defiance against the threats of religious fanatics by publicly breaking that doctrine that says you're not supposed to depict the prophet Mohammed in any way. This is obviously an emotionally-charged issue, and I want no part in the drama that would ensue from such actions.

On an unrelated note, I recently started drawing again. I have to practice for an art contest on TinierMe. I started off with a simple doodle, which you can see below:



Now, I know what you're thinking: this isn't a very good drawing of Santa Claus. I know, but it's my first try, so I think that's pretty good all things considered. I still want some more opinions on my drawing abilities as they are now, so I'm going to post the image to Facebook as well, and I encourage my readers to share it with anyone you'd like.

That's about it for now. Take care, my dear readers. Blessings and peace be upon you.

RIP Ronnie Dio

Click to read the original article.

He will be missed. Rest in peace, Dio.

Re: The Marmaduke Movie

I can't begin to express how much I hate Hollywood right now. I can't find an outlet for my writing, but a fucking Sunday paper comic strip gets a live-action movie? Seriously, just put a bullet in my head now, so I don't have to keep watching the movie people rape the collective consciousness of America.

Re: Nickelback

I don't think I'll ever understand why people hate Nickelback so much. What, is it the creative lyrics? The sweet guitar riffs? Maybe they just think Chad Kroeger (lead singer) looks like a douche. Whatever the reason, it's ridiculous. Anyone who's really listened to a decent amount of their stuff knows Nickelback is a talented band, even if they are a little too commercial.

If you're a fan, please comment. I'm sick of feeling all alone out here.

CS: Hungary vs. Norway

So, this Z-day event my club was putting on happened today. It was supposed to just be a game of zombies vs. humans, but since everyone wanted to use a gun, we ended up doing a few rounds with all humans. Of course, we needed to come up with something for the H's and Z's on our tags to stand for. So, the H's became Hungary, and the Z's turned on their side to make an N became Norway.

Yes, Hungary vs. Norway. Least likely war, and best scenario ever for a new squad-based shooter.

Re: onestop

Earth Day: A Rant

(Copied over from my TinierMe diary)

I'm not sure why this day is special. I mean, if you really care about the earth, you'll have been recycling and saving energy and stuff all year, not just today. Same goes for that earth hour thing where everyone's supposed to turn off their electronics for an hour. Hell, I turn off everything I own whenever I'm not in the room. Is that really so hard to do?

Whatever, I'm just saying I think the point of Earth Day is silly. If you only do good things for the Earth because it's Earth day, you're a hypocrite. It's just like only being nice to people because it's Christmas, or only playing with dangerous fireworks because it's the 4th of July. And Halloween is the same. Like Lewis Black said, we don't need a holiday to dress in funny costumes. We're adults now. If you wake up one morning and decide you want to be Batman, go for it. Who's gonna stop you?

I guess what I'm saying is, don't wait for an excuse like a holiday to do things. If you want to help the Earth, do it. If you want to talk like a pirate, do that too. It's your life. Make the most of it.

~~~

Okay, now that's off my chest, I'd like to point out that I've found another outlet for my pointless ramblings. Most of that now goes on in my TinierMe diary. If you'd like to read it, you can do so here. (Sadly, you have to be logged in to see it, so I'll still transfer the good ones over here as well)

Hey

This is the part where most people would apologize for not posting more often. But you know what? Fuck that. Fuck you readers, with your sense of internet entitlement. I've had a lot of classwork to do lately, I've been driving back and forth between Oswego and Burnt Hills almost every weekend, I'm still trying to run a paranormal club here, and besides all that, I really haven't had anything worthwhile to write about.

Okay, I will say this: I bought a domain name for this site. Try visiting http://danmayerisgodblog.com to see if it's working yet. I doubt I'll renew it after this year since no one reads this anyway, but if people like having a slightly easier way to get here, then maybe I'll shell out for it again next year.

Also, I've started making a little progress with a certain project I've been working on. Not much, but it's something. I'm hoping I'll have it off to a decent start once this semester is over. In the meantime, here's an awesome cat:

Re: Charles Manson

I concur fully.

Is Neil leaving Crue?

I'm not sure what to say about this. Some of you may know I'm a big fan of Motley Crue. However, that doesn't predispose me toward liking Vince Neil. In fact, this new single of his has me scratching my head. I mean, it's not exactly bad, but... I don't know, it's not exactly great either.



Anyway, on the off chance you like the song (or it gets removed from youtube) you can download the song and video right off of Vince's website:

Bookmark these links

If you haven't already.

http://5z8.info/girlsgonewildpart1.wmv_g4v4v_b00bs

http://5z8.info/fake-gmail-login-page_o6r7w_nakedgrandmas.jpg

http://5z8.info/best-russian-sites-for-bootleg-everything_d9s1l_cockfights

Also, this. >_>

Re: Tautology Club

Well, it's an idea.

Not the stupidest thing ever...

Hell, I found it amusing.

You Can Ask Me Anything

Yes, I have one of these things now. So go ahead, ask me a question. As you can see from my profile, I never ignore one. Ever. So go ahead, ask something totally outrageous. Maybe if we're lucky my account will be banned and I'll never use that gimmicky fad website again.

Or not. Whatever, just ask me something.

Re: Colbert fans

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Canada%27s%20History

75 pages.

You people are fucking sick. And I love it.

I know what I want for my birthday this year

This


God, this thing is creepy. But in the awesome way.

To All Blog Comment Spammers

Stop commenting on my blog. I'm getting really tired of having to delete your shit day after day. I opened this blog to anonymous comments because I wanted to be inviting to the random wanderer, but if this shit continues I may have to disable commenting for anonymous users, if not disable comments altogether. I don't want that to happen, but I'm sick of having to keep deleting your digital garbage all the time.

Besides, what are you hoping to accomplish, anyway? Do you know how few people read this? And they definitely aren't going back and reading the old posts, which are always the posts you comment on for some reason. You're not helping your respective e-businesses by doing this, you're just pissing me off.

So, if you happen to be a spammer and are reading this, for God's sake just grow a brain stem and stop spamming here. Idiots.

Re: Archer

I heart this show. I really do.


EDIT: Fixed the proportions, and picked a different trailer.

No Time for Pants

I'm 12 years and old what is this?

EDIT:
Apparently that link doesn't work unless you're logged in to the site. Weak.

Re: Bear Grylls

I don't care much for Man vs. Wild, but you have to admit, Bear has pretty much the manliest name on earth.

New Year, New Laptop, New Resolutions

So, my ASUS laptop, which I just got in August, has died. The motherboard is shot, or at least that's what the Geek Squad guy said. On the bright side, I got to trade in for a brand new HP Pavilion. It's been running smoothly so far, but I haven't finished installing things yet. I guess only time will tell if this one works in the long run, but I've got a good feeling about this one.

Changing gears a bit, I figure now is as good a time as any to talk about new year's resolutions. Does anyone remember that little serial sci-fi novel thing I had going a while ago? You know, the one nobody read and nobody cared about? Well, my main resolution this year is to get that project going again. I doubt it'll take off in popularity, but I just miss having something fun to work on in my downtime. So, hopefully this will be a lot more interesting to look at soon.

Free Running

Anyone else think this looks way too cool to work on the wii? Nonetheless, it's got my attention.

Video Games | Free Running | Debut Trailer

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

Re: Nostalgia

Alright, Schunk, are you happy now? I'm talking about you on the Internet. Jeez...

For those who don't know, while I was at Marist I had, and sort of still have, an arch-rival. He was the Joker to my Batman; the mongoose to my rattlesnake; the obnoxious man-child to my... well, you get the idea. This lovable bane of my existence goes by the name of Matt Schunk.

When it came to WWE videogames, our rivalry was unmatched. Legitimate matches usually degenerated to insults and accusations of cheating from both sides. I'd win through some clever but underhanded move, and he'd call me a cheater. He'd pull the same kind of thing in our next match and celebrate like it was Wrestlemania. Schunk was a sore winner, and he raised trash-talk to the level of an artform. Looking back now, I can't think of anyone else who succeeded at pissing me off quite as much as he did. On one occasion, he actually got me pissed enough that I snapped and attacked him with a hockey stick. I'm not sure where I got a hockey stick, but fortunately I came to my senses when I remembered that, with the shape I was in, he could probably kick my ass blindfolded.


(Still the most viewed video in my YouTube channel)

Honestly, I do miss his antics some days. He always was the life of the party, even if he let it go to his head a little too much. We don't talk much anymore, aside from random updates and favorite wrestlers dying.

(Seriously, Umaga's gone now too? Is there anyone cool left in WWE?)

Still, I get the feeling our rivalry isn't destined to end just yet. Someday, we'll have that big rematch we'd been planning, or at least get together and catch up. In the meantime, I guess I'll have to settle for plotting to kill my roommates instead. Just don't tell them I said that.