I'm wondering now what's better, to have millions of people think you're kind of cool, or to have a few select people think you're the coolest person ever. My knee-jerk reaction is to say the latter, but then having an exclusive fan club doesn't exactly translate to book sales, does it?
Anyway, I'm in an odd mood right now, so I thought I'd share. I'm realizing lately that, when communicating with people through means other than face-to-face conversation, I'm actually pretty fun to talk to. This is really no big surprise. I mean, even years ago I remember Jordan saying how I sound so much different on my blog than in person. (Incidentally, I wonder if he's still reading this...) I guess it just struck me recently how true this is for digital media in general.
I'm not going to go into specifics, but through no serious effort of my own, I seem to have become well liked by a handful of people I've never actually met. Which is cool in its own way, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe it should stay that way. Our having never met, I mean. I have this sinking feeling that if I were to meet any of these people in person, I would find a way to undo any positive image they had of me. It's funny, that by being myself online I am easily likable, but in real life I just don't have that capacity. I don't know why. I'd blame the depression, but that seems too easy. (I of course type this as I'm popping my second Prozac for the day)
So, here's the thing: again, I won't go into specifics, but someone I met online and I have been talking about meeting up at some point. I originally really liked the idea, but the more I think about it, the more I worry that whatever weird funk I have hanging over my head will overshadow any and all of my positive qualities. I'd hate to lose a friendship, but I feel like that's what is likely to happen if we meet. To meet me in person is essentially to see the worst side of me. Or one of the worst sides, anyway.
The bottom line is, I'm freer online to express myself, to show my best side. In real life, that side can be hard to see, especially when I'm still struggling with this whole depression thing. It's not really something I want to accept, even if it inevitably a part of me that will never go away completely. I don't really know what else to say about this, except that, if anyone is reading this, I hope you can recognize there is more to me than what I appear to be in person. A lot more. I think if we got to know each other well you'd see the better side of me more often, but that takes time, and somehow I don't think everyone wants to wait that long.
Whatever. I'm rambling now, so I'll sign off for tonight. One last unrelated thing I'll mention: ITPI is having a pre-Halloween party thing on Oct. 24th, so if you're in Utica, come join us in the Adirondack Lounge around 8pm. People who spend any time on campus before then will probably see some posters soon. I actually put a little effort into this one, so I'm going to try to get as many printed as I can manage. There'll be scary movies and candy. I'm getting a ouiji board, because hell, why not? It should be a good time.
I guess that's it. I'll post again whenever the mood strikes me. In the meantime, peace and love, y'all.