Friday, April 28, 2006

Psychotic Baptist Protestors And You

That link above is not exactly reliable. It has a tendency to buffer incorrectly for some reason, but it should work eventually. Really, that lady shocked the hell out of me. I know there are a lot of religious fanatics out there, but how the hell do you go to the funeral of someone who died fighting in Iraq and hold up signs saying stuff like "You're going to hell!", "Thank God for IEDs", and "Thank God for Dead Soldiers"? Do these people have any sense whatsoever? And the one they interviewed is the worst. I have to hand it to Hannity and Colmes for trying to tackle this thing and talk to her, but there wasn't much accomplished by talking to her. Reasoning with that woman is tougher than teaching my dog thermodynamics. In fact, the latter would be easier, since my dog actually has something resembling a functioning brain.

She actually had the gonads to say that they were there to spread the word of God and make people read the scriptures. They say everyone are sinners and we ignore the sciptures and we're going to hell. Frankly, I don't care if you believe that's true or not. No matter what your religion, no matter what you believe in, there is no justification for going to someone's funeral and antagonizing the mourners like that. She even said the law preventing such things at funerals is unconstitutional. Unconstitutional? Read the damn Bill of Rights again. You may have the right to freedom of speech, the right to believe whatever you want, and even say it, but you don't have the right to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theatre, as the saying goes, and you sure as hell don't have the right to harass people and pour salt on their wounds.

I have no problem with preaching your beliefs if that is what you want, but this is different. If you want to teach in your own church and invite others, fine. If you want to go to the park or stand on a soapbox in the middle of Times Square and shout about the word of God, I'll even support you then. But if you want to go to a funeral, or anywhere at all really, and say that they deserved to die, that you're glad 9/11 happened, that the deaths in Iraq and elsewhere are the will of God and everyone is getting what they deserve, I'll say the same thing everyone else is thinking: "Shut the f**k up!" I don't care if they are going to hell or not. No one wants to hear you shouting rotten crap like that about their loved ones. What you're doing isn't spreading the word of God, it's just spreading hate, and we've got more than enough of that to go around, so shut up, take your signs and go back to your 100-person inbred Holy Church of Dumbass.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Follow up: Reason #219 Why I Don't Drink

Just when I thought the stupidity had ended. I woke up this morning around 7:30 am, and when I went to the bathroom, it looked the same as it did yesterday. Now, after getting back from my class at about 9:45 am, I went in the bathroom again and found this:

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Now, I'm not a plumber or anything, but I really don't understand how fixing a sink can become easier by dismantling the rest of them. Am I missing something, or do the people maintaining this public restroom just have no clue what the hell they're doing?

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Reason #219 Why I Don't Drink

An aquaintance of mine, whose name I will not mention to protect his privacy, came back to the dorm after a night of partying. Then, for reasons unknown to me, he went in the bathroom, and had this notion that he could probably break the sink off the wall. Well, as you can see, he was right. This picture was taken today. I couldn't get a picture last night because the pipes were still spraying water all over the place, and the bathroom was too flooded to even get in. Not only the bathroom, but the hallway, the staircase, and Keith's room next door were totally flooded with water.

He also somehow managed to break this other sink over here. How he did that is a mystery that I doubt we will ever discover the answer to.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Of Tahoes and Toothbrushes

A couple things I'd like to talk about. First, I am pleased to discover that my Chevy Tahoe commercial still hasn't been deleted by the GM censor patrol. I don't think I'm going to win or anything, but at least it wasn't purged from the site.
Click Here to see Dan's Chevy Tahoe commerical

Second, I have a pretty big and exciting announcement. Are you ready for this? I recently bought a new toothbrush! Incredibly exciting, right? But wait, there's more. Only after getting it did I realize that it was no ordinary toothbrush. This was some new kind of toothbrush that is supposedly more comfortable to hold, as well as better at cleaning my teeth. How could that be? Take a look at this thing:

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Okay, I guess you can't tell much from the thumbnail, but the head of this thing is insanely huge. I couldn't find a ruler to be sure, but it's at least 4 inches long, and bristles are just under 2 inches tall. Clearly, this toothbrush was designed specifically for my friend Matt Schunk, as he's the only one on the planet with a mouth big enough to feel comfortable with this thing. I can, with some effort, brush my teeth with this thing, but it was difficult at first. After getting the hang of it, though, I find myself finishing in half the time, as the head is so big it can brush twice as many teeth simultaneously. Really, that's enough to make this crazy brush worth talking about, but look at the rest of it:

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Why my camera was so blurry that day, I'll never know. For now, I'll blame it on either ghosts or ninjas. But all joking aside, look at the handle. Completely clear plastic wrapped in a strange pattern of blue rubber-like substance. I can't be sure what the blue stuff is, but I can guarantee it was first developed by NASA. It's supposed to be comfortable to hold. Really, it's not uncomfortable, but lack of discomfort does not make something comfortable. Wait... okay, maybe that didn't make sense. The point is, I didn't outright mind holding the thing, but I sure didn't find myself going "Wow, now this is a comfortable toothbrush!"

One last picture I wanted to show, since it's the only one that didn't look totally lame:

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Not sure why that one came out better. Anyway, you can clearly see that this bizarre contraption being passed off as a toothbrush is not a common household dental care item. I'm still not sure exactly where the technology put into this thing came from originally, or how it fell into my possession, but I will be on the lookout for any new information. If anyone else thinks they have a plausible explanation for this thing, or if you have your own theories about its true origin and purpose, email me at

Monday, April 17, 2006

Easter Madness

Ah, Easter. The holiday when we celebrate the day Jesus came back from the dead and appeared before his disciples as a giant rabbit, and told them to paint all the eggs weird colors and hide them in their back yards while feasting on chocolate and candy. Or something like that.

Anyway, I've got a few things on my mind during this joyous holiday. First off, why is it that no matter how full I am after Easter dinner, I always want to gorge myself on Cadbury eggs? I swear, I give myself indigestion every year from too much candy and chocolates, but I can't seem to help myself. The Cadbury cream eggs have some kind of choco-psychic hold on my mind, and I can't stop eating them until I'm full to bursting.

Second, this is sort of old, but I still want to know why we celebrate the resurrection of Christ with colorful eggs and candy. Really, how off-topic can a holiday become? I mean, Christmas got pretty out of hand with Santa and elves and 25% off sales, but at least the spirit of the season, the spirit of giving, peace on earth and good will towards men (and women as well, or else the feminists will riot), is still in the holiday. Easter, on the other hand, seems to have somewhat lost it's spirit. Yeah, we still sort of celebrate Jesus' resurrection, but searching for colorful eggs and stuffing yourself with chocolate rabbits and jelly beans just doesn't feel like a proper celebration to me. It feels like easy marketing for big candy companies. At least we know they're having a happy holiday.

Speaking of marketing, I saw "Thank You For Smoking" over the weekend. I highly recommend it. The ticket prices are murder, but it's full of laugh out loud moments.

Alright, that's about it for now. My radio show is still on (barring another unforseen incident) for this Wednesday at 4:00 pm EST, so tune in if you're bored. Go to and click the AM link to listen to the show.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

My Lunch Rant

Today I surprised myself with just how much sheer weight in food I can eat, considering what a small guy I am. I'm not sure why I ate so much, since I didn't miss breakfast or anything, but nonetheless I was hungry. The entire meal consisted of the following:

-A bagel with cream cheese
-A turkey and cheese sandwich with mayonaise on white bread
-An apple (it keeps the doctor away)
-A slice of chocolate cake with vanilla frosting
-A slice of chocolate cream pie
-A glass of fruit punch

Damn, I'm getting hungry just reminiscing about it! For a little guy like me, that is a lot of food, but I ate it all.

Originally, I was only going to have the cake for desert, but then I saw that pie. Considering it was found in the Marist dining hall, it was some incredibly good looking pie. It wasn't even mutilated and falling apart like the dining hall pie usually is. There was just this one slice, perfectly cut to approximately a 50 degree, with no rough edges or parts where the crust fell apart. On top of that, it was perfectly topped with whipped cream, something that I can only assume was coconut shavings, and surrounded by a heavenly glow with an angelic choir singing in the background. I just couldn't help myself.

Granted, I've been feeling rather sick all afternoon, but I think it was well worth it. Infected with salmonella or otherwise, that was the best slice of pie I have eaten in a long time.

Testing...Testing...1,2,3,4...Okay, I think it's working

This is just a first post to make sure everything's working. I'm somewhat weak in computer-fu, so this is here so I can test out the template and stuff. The post title should link back to my Foxweb page if I did it right.

A few things that need to be addressed while I'm here:

1. Yes, I am insane. There's nothing more that needs to be said on that matter.

2. I'm still going to have my radio show (check the links on the sidebar) for the rest of this year on Wednesdays at 4:00pm EST. I'm not sure if I'll continue it next year or not. It's really all a question of whether I have schedule conflicts, and whether that $@#&%* Mat Taylor has been fired. I'm sure he's really a great guy once you get to know him, but as far as his job at WMAR is concerned, he has roughly the same qualifications as a sack of mulch.

3. My old web page is still up on Foxweb (also linked in the sidebar). I'm probably going to transfer most of the good stuff from there to this blog at some point. Once that's done, the old page might get deleted, but I might still leave it up for awhile with a link to here so no one gets lost.

4. Why the hell isn't Comic Sans MS a font option? Seriously, I'm contacting the Blogger staff about this.

Well, that's about it for now. I hope to have plenty of entertaining stuff on the way soon, so tell your friends about this blog so I can become a quasi-internet celebrity and make oodles of cash from advertising.