Monday, December 31, 2007

New Year, Same Neuroses

So, it's been a while. Anyone who communicates with me in any online forum probably has noticed I sort of dropped off the face of the Earth. Yeah, I tend to do that during holidays and stuff. I haven't even read my email. Sorry. I needed some serious decompression time, which for me meant no internet, catching up on sleep, and eating my weight in Christmas cookies. (Being a Festivus guy, I really don't celebrate Christmas whole-heartedly, but I'll be damned if I can pass up a cookie)

Anyway, a new year is starting soon. As I type this, it's 15 minutes from midnight, and I've started thinking about my resolutions. I usually don't bother, but I wanted this year to be different. So, here we go.

For starters, I've decided to get back to writing more regularly. I'm going to have more time on my hands now, as I'm taking some time off from school. I'll talk more about that in a future post. Anyway, I've already got a new page of my short story The Zed Word, and I'm working on the next few, so I'll be taking Paradigm Theater off hiatus sometime later this week. Links will follow.

Second, as well as writing, I figure I should do more reading. So, following the Twilight Zone marathon, I'm going to cut down on TV time. I've bought a few books, so I'll have no shortage of material.

Third, I'm going to start working out. Aside from the fact that I'm built like Spongebob Squarepants, I hear that physical activity is good for endorphine levels, so getting back on a solid workout plan would probably do me a world of good, both physically and mentally.

Lastly, and this is kind of difficult for me, I've decided that I need to work on coming out of my shell more. Easier said than done, but I think my past semester at Marist is proof enough that I'm still way too repressed for my own good. I have some serious anger issues, specifically of the implosive variety. I often don't express how I really feel for fear of offending others, but all this work to stay out of people's way is having a toxic effect on my state of mind.

So, in the coming weeks, I'm going to work on shovelling some skeletons out of my closet. For example, I really need talk with/about a certain ex-roommate of mine, who will go unnamed because I know he can't stand it when I so much as mention him in any online forum. If you're reading this, dude, I'm sorry. I didn't have the balls to come out and talk to you face to face when I had the chance, and I really feel like we need to clear the air. I'll probably be stopping by Marist for a brief outing in the spring sometime, so hopefully we'll be able to do this in person.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. If anyone has any resolutions of their own, I'd love to hear them. Plus, this blog's depressingly low on comments, so lemme hear what you're doing different in '08, or just comment on my resolutions.

Thanks for reading, and happy new year, guys. Stay loose.

Monday, December 17, 2007

To All Facebook Members

Some of you may have seen a message circulating Facebook which is signed: "Founder of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg". It reads as follows:

"Attention all Facebook membeRs.
Facebook is recently becoming very overpopulated,
There have been many members complaining that Facebook
is becoming very slow.Record shows that the reason is
that there are too many non-active Facebook members
And on the other side too many new Facebook members.
We will be sending this messages around to see if the
Members are active or not,If you're active please send
to other users using Copy+Paste to show that you are active
Those who do not send this message within 2 weeks,
The user will be deleted without hesitation to create more space,
If Facebook is still overpopulated we kindly ask for donations but until then send this message to all your friends and make sure you send
this message to show me that your active and not deleted."

It apparently calls on everyone who gets it to forward it to everyone they know, and claims that their account will be deleted if they don't do this within 2 weeks.

Let me be blunt: this is the stupidest prank I've seen on Facebook in a long time. And believe me, I've seen a lot. If anyone gets this joke message claiming to be from Mark Zuckerberg, please do not forward it.

Now, to anyone who already forwarded it, or who isn't convinced it's a joke, let me point a few things out:
  • First, the fact that the word members is spelled "memberRs" in the message should've been a dead giveaway.
  • Second, I'm no programming genius, but I'm pretty sure there are better ways to see who is active on Facebook besides a viral wall post.
  • Third, if this were really from the creator of Facebook, he wouldn't be perpetuating it through apps like Funwall, which everyone doesn't have installed. He'd probably send a mass mail to everyone's inbox.

Thanks for your attention, everyone. Take it easy, guys and gals. And to the person who started this prank: go sit in the corner, dumbass.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

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Sci-fi Movie Reviews: Part Deux

I seriously doubt I spelled that right.

Eight-Legged Freaks
I saw it Monday night, and I have a hard time forming an opinion about it. The effects and acting weren't too bad, but the story itself just made so little sense I was baffled by it.

--(Spoilers Ahead)--

The ending, of course, involved a steriotypical chase scene followed by the spiders getting blown up. Probably the most cliched way to end one of these movies. And, of course, the authorities don't show up until after they're all dead.

Still, there were a lot of parts that indicated to me that the writer really wasn't taking it seriously. The whole "listen to the kid" thing harkens to countless other sci-fi movies, so it's obviously making fun of the genre.

One more thing: the guy who tried to sex up the sheriff's daughter, but wound up getting tasered in the groin. Seriously, he should've been dead as soon as the spiders showed up. He not only outran them on his bike while all his buddies died, but he superkicked one of them while he and his bike hung in midair after a huge jump.

As if that wasn't enough, he jumped in front of an oncoming fuel truck, which caused the spiders to slam right into it, causing a chain reaction knocking over the power lines and blowing up the whole thing, killing the whole first wave of spiders. A character as inconsequential as that kid has NO right to be that badass. Hell, the main f'ing character didn't do anything that cool.

And it goes on. He tries to escape them by driving into the mines. That's where the spiders have been living the whole time. And yet, somehow, he's still riding around in circles trying to find his way out when everyone else shows up later. Call me cruel, but I couldn't help but think, "Dude, why the hell are you still alive?"

So, overall, not my favorite movie. It was okay in some parts, but really not a wholly satisfying movie. I mainly watched to the end out of boredom, not because I gave a crap. So, if you ever see this one on late night TV, only watch it if there's absolutely nothing else on. It might be good for a laugh if you're drunk, but there's probably something better out there.

Surgical Procedure Review

A bit off from my usual topics, but I figured this was worth mentioning. I personally have no use for this procedure I'm about to talk about, but I figure I've got at least a few obese readers, so if you're one of them, and you want help losing weight, this might interest you.

Yeah, so basically, I'm pimping Journeylite's website. Before I start in, here's their mission statement:

"Journeylite is a nationwide network of lap band surgical facilities and surgeons who specialize in the LAPBAND procedure for the surgical treatment of obesity. Facilities conveniently located in Los Angeles LA, Houston Texas and Tampa Florida."

For those not in the know, LAPBAND is a relatively new procedure that they use to treat obesity. I have to admit, though, it sounded a little weird to me. The way they describe it, the procedure is basically to tie off a smaller section of your stomach, making food travel through it more slowly. It's almost like having separate stomachs. Sounds cool and all, but it also gives me an excuse to compare you to a cow.

So, this is definitely a bit on the creepy side, but it's apparently pretty innocuous, using very small incisions and instruments. Plus, the logic is there. One of the problems many people have with losing weight is that they're still hungry after eating the amount recommended for their diet. With this, it's like their stomach is smaller, so they can feel satisfied after eating less, and are less prone to overeating in the future.

So, yeah, this sounds pretty cool. It might not be a good option for everyone, though. I mean, if you're just trying to lose a couple pounds for the summer, this might be a little radical. But, if you're seriously obese and your health is suffering because of it, this might be a good option for you to consider.

If you want to learn more about the lap band, here's a link to Journeylite's main website.

lapband los angeles

(This is a sponsored post. Following this date, I am implementing a new disclosure policy, which should be linked to in the sidebar)

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Sci-fi Movie Reviews

A few matters to mention today before I start into my main post. First, I love the British.

Seriously, I love the British.

Second, a brief God Hand update. I beat God Hand on Hard Mode. That means I now have all 4 CDs for the jukebox, and the only thing I'm lacking are the trailers for beating challenge #51. Seriously, this is harder than the final boss on Hard mode, if you can picture that.

Third, Schunk owes me money. More on this story as it develops.

Okay, now to my main points:

Movie #1: American Werewolf in Paris
I watched this movie over Friday night. "Why?" you may ask. "Well," I may tell you, "there wasn't shit else on TV." So, I ended up watching this.

Let me tell you, this movie was downright laughably bad. The setting was absurd, the characters were poorly written, the acting was barely passable, and the ending was so horribly corny I almost laughed out loud. The only half-decent part of this flick was the effects, and that's not saying much. This is just further proof that, and all apsiring directors and moviegoers alike should remember this:

Flashy special effects do not a good movie make.

Seriously, avoid this one. If you're ever watching TBS late at night and this comes on, change the channel. Don't make the same mistake I made. It's not worth the 2 hours you would've wasted on it. Those sleepless hours would be better spent staring at the ceiling or counting sheep.

Movie #2: Eye of the Beast
Now, this one I actually kind of liked. I watched it Saturday night on Sci-fi, which means I already had low expectations.

Now, on its surface, this is really just another cheap Sci-fi Saturday monster movie, but upon closer examination, it's really well executed. The characters and acting weren't great, but they were passably believable, which is really all you need in a Sci-fi Saturday flick.

The story was nothing special: A marine biologist type guy investigates the poor catch at a fishery, only to discover a sea monster living in the lake, which no one believes until it's too late, so it's up to him and some locals to kill it. Generic as it was, though, it took a couple turns that I didn't fully expect, and it kept me genuinely interested in the outcome.

Also, (--SPOILER ALERT--) the monster is NOT killed by a big gratuitous explosion at the end. They used electricity, which I'll admit has been done before for sea monsters, but it's not too played out, and in Eye of the Best, they definitely did it with flair.

So, overall, I would recommend this one. If you're a fan of Sci-fi monster movies, or just looking for something a little different, give it a watch next time it's on TV. Or, if you're really ambitious, rent the DVD. It'll probably be on video soon if it isn't already.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Dashboard Confessional

(This post has nothing to do with the band, so don't get your hopes up)

I'm not a very religious man, so I've never really been one to go to confession. Still, I've heard confession is good for the soul. I haven't done anything too heinous in my day, but I think we all have one thing or another we need to come clean about sooner or later.

What about you? Done anything cringe-worthy lately? I know, I'm certainly no holy man, but I like to help people however I can, and I'm always willing to lend an ear to whoever wants it. So, if any of my readers have something weighing on their conscience, or just want to brag about their evil exploits, now's a fine time to fess up. You can even do so anonymously if you want.

And if you don't trust me enough to confess to, why not confess to Sweeney Todd? Lame segue, I know, but I had to mention this movie somehow. I've always been a big Tim Burton fan, and Johnny Depp has been growing on me. From the trailers I've seen so far, Sweeney Todd is going to be a great old-school horror flick. Too many films these days use flashy effects, pointless twists and excessive gore to thinly cover up bad acting and weak story. But I know Tim Burton is too good for that. The man's a story-teller. No cheap scares and weak plotlines here; just pure, unadulterated cinematic terror.

Okay, I think I'm rambling a bit now. Anyway, to check out Sweeney Todd's confessional, click the link in the previous paragraph. And to learn more about the master Tim Burton's latest movie, visit the official Sweeney Todd movie site.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Notes to Self

Just going through these here so I can throw out all those annoying sticky notes. Most of these relate to my whole cyborg plan.

  • Do the laundry tomorrow. That stuff has been sitting there way too long. Plus, it's cold in my room, and I'm running out of crappy sweatshirts.

  • Mention Schunk so he'll actually read this.

  • Chew Schunk out for not inviting me to watch Survivor Series with him and his gang.

  • Shave. A little stubble is okay, but I'm starting to scare the children.

  • Learn to rollerblade. Rollerblading has all the benefits of walking, but with the added benefit of getting there faster. The only downside is that zipping around a college campus on rollerblades makes you look like a douche.

  • Get a trampoline. It's great exercise without being too strenuous. The negative effects, however, are the same as above.

  • Sweep the floor. Seriously, it's gottten out of hand. The dust bunnies have started to build an intelligent civilization under my desk. That's bound to make my allergies act up. Besides, as a card-carrying American citizen and representative for white people everywhere, when I'm faced with a budding civilization, it's my duty to either take their land and wipe them out completely, or subjugate and exploit them for my own selfish gains.

That's all for now. I'll post more when I think of it.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

God Hand: My Latest Obsession

I'm just in love with this game. I got it in early October-ish, and I've been playing it ever since. They'll have to use a crowbar to pry me away from my ps2 at this rate.

I'll just warn you ahead of time, this post is not going to have any point to it whatsoever. I'm just exorcising my inner fanboy because I feel the need to do so. If you don't have God Hand, or just don't care, feel free to skip this post.

For those of you who do not know what God Hand is, watch the following trailer:

One thing I especially love about this game is that even though you can have separate save files, the unlockable stuff is universal to all playthroughs. So, even if you want to start a new game fresh, you can do so with all the costumes, CDs, and TV trailers you had in other playthroughs.

And a note on the costumes: thank God someone finally had the common sense to make a game with unlockable costumes that can actually be worn in the cutscenes. I've seen way too many games that offer alternate costumes, then don't even let you see them in cutscenes. Even my beloved God of War did this. At least I can understand that for the hi-res videos, but the normal cutscenes should've had the costumes enabled.

Now, my opinion about the specific costumes in God Hand:
  • Karate: Definitely my favorite. It's very bad-ass in the traditional fighting game sense.
  • Devilhand: Copy of Azel's outfit. Kind of cool in a trenchy wannabe-badass kind of way. Still, it's growing on me, and fighting Azel while you're wearing his outfit adds to the whole 'polar opposites' thing.
  • Carnival: ...Okay, if I never see that outfit again, it'll be too soon. Seriously, I'm not that kind of guy, and neither is Gene. Don't embarrass the poor guy with this thing.
  • Olivia's Bunny Costume: I like it. In fact, once unlocked, I can think of no conceivable reason why Olivia should be wearing anything else.

Moving on to other unlockables: As of this moment, I have 3 of the 4 CDs for the jukebox in God Hand. I'm trying to collect all of them because, aside from the fact that I'm a completist, I absolutely love the music in God Hand. I currently have, in order of acquisition,
  1. Hit the Jackpot in the Casino
  2. Beat the game
  3. Beat the game with the 'Kick Me' sign intact

On that last one, I was playing Easy mode. Yeah, I know it's a lame way to go, but doing it on normal or hard would've been impossible. I'm just not that good. I still haven't even beaten Hard yet. That'll be the last CD.

As for the Arena challenges, I just beat #50 today (kill Devilhand on Lvl DIE), and felt pretty good about it. Of course, that now leaves the final challenge: #51. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it and still wants to, but let me say this: The prize money is 99,999 for good reason.

I think the reward for beating all the Arena challenges is just the TV trailers, but still, I think the bragging rights that come with it are more than enough. Especially if I can do it without any cheap tactics like Yes Man Kablam (if you've seen videos of people beating Hard mode bosses, you know what this is about). I probably won't even have the option, since I forgot to get the thing during the Elvis fight and it doesn't seem to be available in the shop.

Alright, that about does it. I'm signing off for now. Peace.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Bleargh: More Ramblings

I'm having one of those "off" days. I thought maybe a little typing would make me feel better.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the weather. Today's another cold, rainy miserable day. That always seems to drown whatever positive spirits I had. It sucks, because I have a class to get to in a little while, and another later on, but I just hate the thought of having to go back out in that crap.

Note to self: Consider studying abroad. Specifically, someplace with a warm dry climate. Either that, or take up more summer classes, because this late fall and winter stuff is garbage.

Also, if they ever perfect the land hovercraft and make it energy efficient, I'll be signing up for one the first chance I get. It'd be good for crap weather like this.

I'd been thinking about learning to use rollerblades or something to get around faster, but that would take a while. What's worse, the trip from my dorm to class is all downhill. Odds are I'd go flying right past my building into a tree or something. George of the Jungle flashbacks abound.

And, of course, it wouldn't go so well in the rain. Though I'll admit the thought of blading downhill, spraying water in all directions, until the windshear on my umbrella finally became sufficient to lift me straight up into the air and send me soaring clear over Route 9 does almost bring a smile to my face.

Note to self: Try that sometime. Or better yet, get someone more gullible than myself to try it, and videotape the proceedings. I smell a money-maker. Or at least a top-viewed on YouTube.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Revisiting Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

I really wish this show was still being aired regularly on Sci-fi. They only played a few episodes on the Sci-fi channel, and at weird hours at night. I'm guessing they stopped it for lack of ratings. Since then, it's apparently been picked up by Adult Swim, but I can never watch that stuff. Aside from the fact that I might not be awake when the show's on, their scheduling confuses the hell out of me.

Plus, I have kind of a love-hate relationship with their regular programming. I can't figure out how they decide what shows to air and what shows to scrap. It seems like they managed to pick the strangest possible combination of comedic genius and utter crap. I mean, really, how do they do that? Who the hell makes a bologna sandwich with Sargento cheese on toasted Ciabatta bread? Who the hell serves Filet Mignon with a side of diced hot dogs and macaroni and cheese?

Anyway, my personal pet-peeves aside, Darkplace is quite entertaining, particularly if you're a fan of bad sci-fi shows that pretend to be really good/edgy, and the irony that lies therein. The title link of this post leads to Adult Swim's website where you can watch an episode of Darkplace on demand. If you're in the mood for something a little "out there", I'd suggest checking it out.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Gettin' paid, gettin' paid

So, I signed up with payperpost after seeing a banner ad on Facebook. I haven't been with the site long, but I definitely like the concept. I mean, I've always been an advocate of word-of-mouth advertising for stuff I like. Might as well get some grocery money for it, right?

Anyway, this'll probably be the first of many such sponsored posts. This works out nicely for me for two reasons:

  1. While I'm not broke anymore, I am currently without a decent income. So, any money I can get is a good thing.

  2. My mind's basically been a blank lately as far as original posts go. At least with this, I'm guaranteed to have something to talk about every couple days.

So, yeah, that's about it. If anybody else has a blog, I'd recommend checking this payperpost thing out. Even if you don't sign up, you should at least watch the tutorial videos. That Veronique has a very soothing voice.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Rainy Days and Thursdays

Not much to talk about today. It's a rainy, crappy day. It's cold, windy, and soaking wet. I really don't want to go back outside, but I have to for class. Plus, I kind of need food.

Good news: The issues with my debit card seem to have been resolved. So, at least I'll actually have the means to buy food now. That's kind of important.

Other good news: I think I actually did okay on my test in Doc. Film class, so I probably won't be finishing the semester with a D.

Bad news: The whole cyborg integration thing isn't quite working out yet. I still can't get my sleep cycle set. Despite my efforts to reset my biological clock, I still seem to have constant insomnia all night. Anyway, I'm going to try that warm milk thing and see if that helps. I'd like to get into a Da Vinci cycle eventually, but one step at a time, right?

Also, a message for Schunk: I don't know what you and Vinny are up to, but Survivor Series is this Sunday. We'd better be watching it. Granted, I haven't watched wrestling in weeks, but still... Dude, it's Survivor Series. I can't miss it again.

So, can I expect a ride to Vinny's, or do I have to find the place myself? You know my AIM and my cell number: Call me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Jumping on the Bandwagon

Meh. I was bored. So I did a GH video. Not very high quality, but I might make a better one later.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Needs More Schunk

I would've asked for more cowbell, but to each his own.

Today's Schunk injection will come in the form of the following video:

(Of course, due to Facebook's pain in the ass technology, I can't embed the vid, so click the image to watch the video)

Yep. That's not gonna be good for business.

Cyborg 101

I'm ashamed I didn't pursue this sooner. I am now putting some serious effort into becoming a cyborg. I'm starting small, working on my education and whatnot, but by the time I'm done, I plan to be, for lack of a better word, legendary.

If you're interested in becoming a cyborg, too, go for it. All the literature you need is free to read online:

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The Dollar Menu

Cheeseburger: $1.00
Small Fries: $1.00
Small Drink: $1.00

Getting told by the guy at the register that your card got rejected due to insufficient funds: Priceless

Yeah, so, I'm broke

I'm having serious money issues right now. All the money to my name is in my checking account, which is tied to my check card. I don't have any checks to write from this account, so the only way I can get to my money is by using the check card. If something goes wrong like, I don't know... SEFCU's server is screwed up, or I forget my PIN number, or both, then I am more or less without money.

Well, guess what happened. Yeah. I now have $2 to my name, and nothing left in the house to eat except one pack of pop tarts, pasta and ramen. Yummy. Maybe I'll wash that down with some bottled water I got from the drinking fountain.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Rolling Kansas

Seriously, this movie makes more sense than that last clip did. :/

...What the fuck?

I'm scared, Mommy. Hold me.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Monday, October 29, 2007

Thursday, October 25, 2007

I'm running for Facebook President

This is just a practice run for when I actually run for president. No, I'm not a politician. That's exactly why I'm running. The president of the U.S. needs to be someone intelligent, unbiased, and trustworth. That being the case, the WORST candidate for president would be a politician. So, vote for me. I'm not a politician.

To vote for me, go here and click "vote". (You have to be logged in to Facebook to do this) Thank you to anyone who supports me.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Random Thought

I found a bluebird of happiness once, but it slipped from my grasp, for I was afraid, had I gripped it too tightly, it might expire ...Man, I should've just gotten a bird cage.


Well, if you'll look on the right, you'll notice I added a little widget from Radio.Blog.Club. I figured, being a music lover, this blog should really have more music. Right now, I can only use one song at a time, but I'll work on it more later.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

People are making out in my room

It's 6am. I've got God Hand on my TV, and World's Worst Drivers is playing on the big TV. People are making out in the other bed. So what else is new?

Saturday, October 13, 2007


I'm not well. I sustained an embarrassing injury. I'm recovering well, but would rather not go into details at the moment. In the meantime, enjoy another comic I stole from SMBC:

Sunday, October 07, 2007


I really don't know what to say about this. I'll let you draw your own conclusion.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Mil Millington is a God

Just thought I'd let you know. I've always held him in high regard, but after finally getting around to seeing his christmas card from '06, I am convinced that he is nothing short of divine.

Also, I realize he may smite me for sharing that link with you, which was supposed to be for mailing list members only. I don't really care. I was going to email him to check and see if he'd mind, but he can't be reached, so I can't be held responsible, and therefore don't care if he is pissed at me.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Cena out with pec tear, must surrender WWE Championship

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a God...

And he's not a John Cena fan.

By Bryan Robinson
Written: October 2, 2007

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – WWE Champion John Cena has suffered a complete tear of his right pectoral tendon and needed surgery, according to noted orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews. Because of the seriousness of the injury, WWE officials will not allow Cena to compete this Sunday at No Mercy, and he will have no choice but to surrender the title.

Dr. Andrews said Cena could miss between six and eight months of action. Cena was injured during his match Monday night on Raw. According to WWE physician Dr. Ferdinand Rios, Cena's injury was more serious than initially thought.

"He has a complete tear of his pectoralus major muscle," Rios said. "Because he’s so big, [the tendon tear] is behind the muscle. It was hard to diagnose."

Rios said Cena will be hospitalized for a few days to learn the rehabilitation procedure he must undergo. His arm will be immobilized for a week and then therapists may allow him to start moving it so that the arm doesn't become stiff.

Rios said that Cena is so dedicated to WWE that he wouldn't be surprised to see him return sooner than later.

"I suspect that John might be able to come back sooner [than most people with this injury], as he’ll train vigorously," Rios said.

Before visiting Dr. Andrews, Cena had said last night, “No matter how serious the injury, one way or another I’ll be ready to compete on Sunday.”

But despite Cena’s vow, WWE officials will not allow him to compete at No Mercy. Therefore, he must surrender the WWE Championship.

WWE officials vow that there will be a WWE Championship Match this Sunday at No Mercy and a new WWE Champion will be crowned.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Best Cartoon Ever


Monday, September 24, 2007


That title was witty. Seriously, just take my word for it. I'm too tired to come up with anything better.

Anyway, I promised I'd write something about this. I'm a little out of it tonight, but I'll do what I can. Sunday night, I saw Schunk for the first time since last spring. Somehow, despite the facial hair, he's exactly how I remembered him: loud, obnoxious, and yes, brash. I have to admit, though, the guy can still make me laugh.

So, in our usual tradition, Schunk, Big Guy and I went to Applebee's. First, though, we had to pick up Schunk from his off-campus living space. I call it a "living space" because to call it a house is to give Schunk too much credit. "House" implies a place where people can live. Yes, it's possible to exist there, but I doubt I could live in that rotted-out wooden box. Hell, I wouldn't even use the bathroom in that place. Schunk was bragging about the fact that he has two rooms to himself, a bedroom and a "den." I find it amusing that he calls it a den, when it's really little more than a glorified janitor's closet. Seriously, there's a set of paint rollers on the floor, and there's no light fixture in the room, except for a desk lamp. Well, if Schunk's comfortable in there, I say fine, but sooner or later, I really hope he decides to come out of the closet.

But, I digress. After picking up Schunk from his wooden box, we went to Applebee's. The dinner itself was pretty uneventful, but Schunk and Big Guy both had some amusing stories to share. Between the one about Arias at the party, and Jip getting kidnapped and taken to the Mariat, I think I really need to start hanging out with these people more often. In fact, I should bring my camera.

Other than the stories, Schunk did comment on a strange voicemail message I left him. In it, I said, in a threatening tone, that I would "find him". I kind of just did it to be funny. I guess it worked. He said he was starting to wonder if I was going out to buy a gun and kill him. I said no, but I came very close to buying a knife recently. He laughed and said a knife wouldn't work. To kill him, I'd have to shoot him from a distance. If I tried to get up close and stab him with a knife, he (and I quote) "could just fart and blow me away." I think that's debatable, but considering I already lost a couple pounds this semester, it's within the realm of possibility. Plus, I've been in the room before when Schunk has farted. It's not a good scene.

So, that was about it, unless I'm forgetting something. If I am, I'm sure Schunk will have something to say about it. Until next time, readers, remember, please help control the meathead population. Have your college football player spayed or neutered.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Planning a Bank Robbery

You gotta think of everything.

Just for future reference

In case I forget to write it in my will, I'm saying it now. When I die, the following songs must be played at my funeral and/or wake:

  • Bon Jovi - Blaze of Glory

  • Guns & Roses - Knockin' on Heaven's Door

(Not necessarily in that order)

I'll add more if something else pops into my head.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Update for Schunk

Haven't seen you in a while. Still an illiterate son of a bitch? I thought so. That's why when I saw this, I thought of you. I know you don't do a lot of reading, so I thought you should give this book a shot:

Lazy Update (Comic by SMBC)

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Yarr harr!

Avast, me mateys! It almost slipped me addled mind, but today be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Ay, plenty o' land-lubbers are talkin' like pirates today, but how many of those scurvy dogs had the barnacles to dress for the occasion, too?

Yar harr, fiddle-dee-dee! Bein' a pirate is alright to be! Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free! You are a pirate!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Monday, September 17, 2007

Looking back on it...

I wish I'd seen this sooner. The formula in panel 2 might have saved me some grief.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

6 Million Dollar Computer - Better, Stronger, Faster

Well, that was fun.

Rather than sending the my busted laptop back to IBM and waiting a week, I decided to try to re-image it myself. The laptop comes pre-installed with a utility for that, so it actually went surprisingly well. I lost every program I ever had on it, but at least I could turn it on. I could even access the Internet. That is, until the 'net connection in my room died the other day. Thankfully, it didn't take long to come back on.

Anyway, once the machine was up and running, I put back all the files I had recovered, and had to set about reinstalling things. At this time, I have:

-the HP software that came with my USB mouse
-VLC Player
-Realplayer (Honestly, I didn't want to, but this video I have to watch for a class can't be accessed without it. Seriously.)

In addition, I got some nifty new gadgets. For one, I didn't have my Office '03 disk with me to reinstall, and was afraid I'd have to go home and get it. But then, something happened. I don't know if it was because of fate, dumb luck, or being psychic, but however it happened, I stumbled upon a nifty little open-source project called OpenOffice. Happiness and free stuff ensued. If anyone reading this doesn't have Office and doesn't want to shell out 200 large to Bill Gates, I recommend trying this out. I've only used it once, and I'm already in love with it.

Second, I installed Skype. I just started today, but I'm liking it so far. I finally have a decent use for my fancy-pants headset, and I might just save some money on my wireless bill if I can get my family to use it. Anyone who wants to talk to me, my skype name is, of course, danmayerisgod.

Also, I finally got around to getting a webcam, which I will use to traumatize you and your loved ones with naked pictures of myself soon enough.

So, all in all, things are coming along. I still didn't re-rip my cd collection yet, and I might not for a while. Other than that, my laptop is doing well. Just a few more minor programs and plugins to go, and my computer will be, if you'll excuse the cliché, fully armed and fully operational.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Update - PC Fiasco

I have limited Internet access from the library right now, but that's it. IBM sent my laptop back unrepaired because I requested they not wipe the hard drive. Since then, I tried to fix it again myself, but things have only gotten worse. The system has now reached a point where it seems to be eating itself from the inside out. I'm afraid to turn it on, since it'll probably shred what's left of my personal files.

However, I have one last possible solution. I broke my bank account to get an expensive new flash drive with enough space for most of my important files. I'm going to attempt a rescue-and-recovery mission to get my beloved files off the hard drive before the thing collapses like a burning orphanage. Once that's done, I'll send it back to IBM. With the files off, I don't care if they wipe the hard drive and reload the factory defaults. Of course, that means that even if my plan does work, it'll be at least another week before I can use the computer again.

So, yeah. Shit happens.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Dude, Where's My Internet?

I broke my computer, so I'm mostly without internet access right now. I'm doing this post from the library right now. My laptop's been sent to IBM for repairs, and I'll hopefully get it back good as new in less than a week. Either that, or I'll be arrested for all the illegal crap on my harddrive.

More on this story as it develops.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

We interrupt this program to bring you an important news update


That is all. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Pimp My Site

I got the thing on a new server. The graphics still need work, but otherwise the layout is quite improved in my opinion. Anybody who's bored should check it out. And since you're here now, I'm guessing you're bored, so as long as you don't feel like doing anything productive, you might as well go to my site and read my dorky little sci-fi shorts.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

My math teacher got arrested for cocaine possession

'Nuff said.

Cleaning another skeleton out of my closet

Just something I needed to get off my chest.

So, I came this close to having an honest-to-god girlfriend this summer. This friend of my sister's had been joking that she wanted to go out with me. This was even before she met me, but once we did meet, she kept it up. As this went on, it soon seemed she wasn't joking.

Anyway, we ended up going on sort of a fau date at the county fair. Though we didn't get to spend a lot of time alone, we had fun, and it seemed like she really was interested in me. I wasn't sure if I was interested or not at the time, but I was up for it.

Well, we ended up heading home in the van. Most of the other people were toward the front, and we were sitting alone together in the back in the dark, holding hands, making nice, etc. Nothing too serious, but definitely farther than most people go on a first date.

The thing that makes this kind of weird for me is that, well, aside from the fact that she's underage (and ungodly hot for her age), she's basically my first kiss, unless you count that thing in 3rd grade (a story I refuse to get into for the sake of my sanity). Essentially, this is the first girl who's shown me any kind of affection, beyond simple friendship. This had a weird effect on my psyche. I found myself thinking about her a lot, and I even dreamed about her once.

Anyway, things took a sour turn when I started to realize why all this was too good to be true. The reason she was affectionate toward me is because she's like that with pretty much all guys, and she's dated guys way older than me, too. In fact, while she was on vacation in Rhode Island with my sister, I found out she got phone calls from 8 different guys.

So, to sum up, she wasn't really into me. She just likes guys in general. She has her own man-harem. A man-agerie, if you will. So, once I found out that she was definitely seeing one of these other guys again, I decided to let things fizzle out quietly so we could just go back to being friends. I think she kind of feels the same way, but in case she doesn't, I'm trying now to avoid any social situations in which we would end up alone together. I originally wanted to get her alone and talk about it, but looking back on it, I think that just would've made things harder.

So, yeah. I'm a lonely mo-fo who just had another awkward relationship with another slutty underaged girl who really wasn't into me in the first place. On the bright side, I think this one actually lasted longer than a week, and to my knowledge, she doesn't have a criminal record. So, at least it's a step in the right direction in that respect.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Rock n' Roll All Night, Party 3 Days A Week

Been a pretty slow summer. I've got a couple little news blurbs. First, I bought a keyboard. I started learning keyboard when I was a kid and have been dying to get back into it. Now I've finally got something to practice on. Sure, it's slightly used, the keys stick, and there's one key missing, but c'mon. What do you expect for $35? I ain't made of money, you know.

And in other news, I got Guitar Hero: Rocks the 80's. I feel like kind of a loser now, considering I recognized more songs off the set list from this game than from any other GH game. Anyway, it's pretty fun, albeit short. The set list is only 30 songs, but they're good, and you get to play them using characters in ridiculous retro outfits. Retro Grim Ripper is by far my favorite character. If you haven't seen him, I won't spoil it for you.

Also, I will be going back to Marist this fall. Some people may remember a little scare earlier that I might get kicked out, but after a healthy dose of groveling and pleading with the Committee, I'm coming back, albeit on probation. Also, Jordan, I know you've got that apartment, but due to monetary and academic constraints, I think I'll have to just take my on-campus room. Really, I won't even be losing much money. It's only like $1300 for the semester. That's not much more than the apartment, and I wouldn't have to drive as far.

Finally, my website is finally shaping up. I'm moving it to a new server yet again, and the layout is being completely redone. It should be finished sometime this week. Go look at it when it's finished.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Chore Wars

Great concept. Earn experience and magic items for doing menial household chores. Compete with your siblings, battle toilet bowl monsters, and prove to mom once and for all that you have been helping out around the house.

While you're out it, check out my household's party: The John Mayer 80's Rock Experience

Saturday, July 14, 2007

The Rock vs. JYD

I uploaded those old play-by-play videos of me and Schunk to YouTube. God, I'm such a loser.

The rest should be in the related/same user column.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I got a new pet

I've named him Ozzy, after the living rock legend by the same name. He's a chameleon, and he is possibly the coolest pet in existence. First of all, it's nice to have a pet that actually has a way to tell you how it's feeling. The guy's a living mood ring. And I can guarantee he's cooler than your pet.

"My dog knows how to sit, come, roll over, and play dead."

"Ozzy can eat flying insects out of the air, look in two different directions at the same time, and sleep while hanging upside down."

So, yeah, I love Ozzy. I'll have pictures of him whenever. Or not, if I just don't feel like taking any.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

On Rogue Galaxy: Jordan, read this.

Between my busy work schedule and my busy laying-around-doing-nothing schedule, I've been playing Rogue Galaxy off and on. I tell you, I'm really enjoying it so far. But, more importantly, I have a message regarding that.

Jordan, if you are reading this, you must play Rogue Galaxy if you have not already done so. This RPG was practically made for you.

  1. The combat system is very sweet. It's an action RPG, and the fighting system strongly resembles a Legend of Zelda game. I know you're a Legend of Zelda fan, so I think you'll get a kick out of this. Seriously, Jaster even has Link's sword-spin move. Plus, even though the action gets a little repetitive after a while, the variety of bad guys makes it so you have to change up your strategy for each new area, and that really keeps things fresh.

  2. While the whole cast is standard RPG fare, there are several characters that really remind me of the Venture Bros. For instance, there's a villian you meet a little ways into the game that looks a hell of a lot like Baron Werner Ünderbheit. On top of that, he has two inept guards working for him: one short fat one with a geeky voice, and a tall skinny one with a kind of monotone droning voice. Sound familiar?

  3. One of the first guys to join your party is a robot named Steve. I shit you not.

So, there you have it. Rogue Galaxy was created specifically for Jordan Church. So, if you are Jordan Church, I would recommend you go get yourself a copy, or at least rent it for a weekend.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Site Fix

First off, thanks to Jordan for being a royal pain in my backside. I rehosted my serial novel so it is now ad-free. Well, technically, the domain still has an ad thing, but I'm going to pay the $6.99 or whatever it is next week to remove that.

Anyway, I also updated. Go read.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Chris Benoit - Rest in Peace

This really came as a shock to me. Not only Chris Benoit, but his wife and child as well. Chris Benoit was always someone I looked up to, both as a wrestler and a human being. Anyway, I somehow feel as though I owe him what little I can give him: a tribute post here on the blog. RIP, Chris Benoit. My sympathies to everyone who knew him. I can only hope that someday we'll get to see him again in that big ring in the sky.


Chris Benoit

Chris Benoit's Superstar Profile

A look at the career of the "Rabid Wolverine"

Tribute Video

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Paradigm Theater is Live

Sort of. I finally got my website up, with a few provisos. I can't afford a quality host right now, so I'm temporarily hosting the site on Angelfire, which means excess banner ads and occasional pop-ups. I'm going to get a serious, pop-up free setup as soon as I can, but until then, this will have to do.

I also got a domain name, but the server seems to be having issues.

That domain may not be working at the moment. If not, just go straight here:

Anyway, the first story is up. Read it; let me know what you think. I should hopefully have the next one up sometime next week.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

You know it's summer when...

Repost of my contribution to the thread on Proboards. Not sure if these are true for everyone, but they're true for me.

You know it's summer when...

  • Your mom is constantly telling you to get a job.

  • Your little sister is constantly asking for rides to friends' houses.

  • You're sweating in places that should never be that moist.

  • The slushie you left in the car completely evaporated.

  • Drinking 8 glasses of water a day doesn't sound so insane anymore.

  • Your dad suddenly gets really into landscaping.

  • You have a serious urge to go play a round of golf.

  • The sun is up at 7am, and you're sleeping in until 1 in the afternoon.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Holy Crap

Why did no one tell me about these guys sooner?

Friday, June 01, 2007

Topics: Jordan, Zoloft, Stewart's, and My Car

I tend to not be on the Internet much over the summer, so I've been posting even less often than usual. However, I do have a few things to talk about in case anyone wants to know what I'm up to.

First off, I want to send a shout-out to Jordan. Sorry I haven't been on AIM. I'll talk to you eventually, man. I think I'm going to leave RNG as a normal paladin, but it's not set in stone.

Second, I'm on anti-depression meds. Again. Yeah, if my grades are any indication, I've been really out of it lately. So, I'm doing something about it now. Hopefully I'll be better off from now on. Anyone who's been clinically depressed knows what a pain it can be. For those who haven't had it, allow me to provide you with an analogy. If my mind is a car, depression is some douche bag who keeps letting the air out of my tires and pouring sugar in my gas tank. Maybe now he'll finally back off.

Third, the summer job hunt has commenced. I had my first interview yesterday. It didn't go fabulously, but I might at least have a shot at the job. It's Stewart's, by the way. Never heard of it? Of course you haven't. To my knowledge, Stewart's has never had any form of advertisement, and yet everyone who lives nearby knows the place. They're all over the place, too. There are at least 4 of them within driving distance of my house. They're like the Starbucks of central New York. They're infinitely better than Starbucks, though, because aside from coffee, they sell things people really need, like gasoline and ice cream. Oh, and the place is air conditioned. I really want this job.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I hate the heat of the summer. It gets painfully hot, and it sucks driving around in my car because I can't use the AC without killing the battery. My car sits in direct sunlight from dawn until dusk. If I head out there to pick up my little sister from school (which I frequently get asked to do), I have to open the door very carefully, then jump out of the way to avoid having the flesh seared off my face as steaming hot gases rush out of the open car door. Then, once I can actually get in, I roll the windows down all the way and start driving as fast as I can to avoid being baked alive.

Oh, and speaking of my car, that reminds me: I still need to put in the new registration sticker. The old one is expired, but I haven't put in the new one yet. I just have it sitting on the upper left of the dashboard next to the old one. I should probably get that glove box fixed, too. I managed to get it closed, but if you open it, the whole thing falls apart and spills out onto the floor.

On the bright side, in this age of rising gas prices, I'm happy to say I can still fill up my car with $25 worth of gas, and that lasts for weeks. God bless my beat up little '89 Honda Accord.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Lazy Update

More original content later. For now, something else I took from someone else.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Tim Buckley Understands Guitar Hero

I love it when quasi-internet celebrities share the same viewpoint as I do.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

WWII Heroes

I don't usually plug RPs on proboards, but I'm really happy with how my character's story is coming out in this one. On the off-chance something happens to the thread there, I'm moving my character's first few posts here.

James Mayfield aka "Katz"

His power: He can heal from almost any injury, given time to rest. Critical wounds cause him to be knocked unconscious.

Jervis Bay, Convoy HX-84, somewhere in the mid-Atlantic, en route to Liverpool, England...

James had been a stow-away aboard the merchant convoy, hoping to bum a ride to Europe. He looked inconspicuous enough that no one was suspicious of him, but he knew if anyone ever found the M1 and the half a dozen grenades he had smuggled on board, he'd have to at least answer a few questions. That was something he didn't want to get into. Even if he told them who he really was, they wouldn't believe him.

As he was standing out on the deck, the quiet night air was suddenly rocked by a loud explosion. James whirled around and saw a battleship approaching the convoy; a German battleship from the looks of it. Rather than retreat, however, the Jervis Bay went on the offensive, heading straight for the battleship while the rest of the convoy tried to escape.

Oh, great, he thought. This is just what I didn't need right now. He quickly ran toward the nearest life preserver he could find, expecting to have to abandon ship. But just then, as he was picking it up, he noticed a long length of rope nearby, and an idea started to formulate in his head.

On second thought... this might be my lucky break.

James ran below deck to get his equipment from its hiding place. He slung the M1 over his back and put on his pack, full of grenades. In all the commotion, everyone either didn't notice him or didn't care.

As the ship got closer to the approaching German battleship, he ran out onto the deck with the large metal hook he'd found below deck. He grabbed the rope and tied a tight knot around it. Just then, the ship took a hit, and the whole deck shook violently. James grabbed desperately at the rail to avoid being tossed overboard. He quickly got back to his feet. Behind him, most of the ship was set ablaze, and was starting to sink.

Now or never... he thought, gripping the hook tightly. As the battleship passed by the wrecked Jervis Bay, James hurled the hook up at the passing ship with all his might. Seeing the rope might not be long enough to reach, he leapt into the air in the hopes that the hook would hit it's mark. For a long moment, he felt himself hanging in midair over the open ocean, and his mind was flooded with the overwhelming feeling that he'd just done something incredibly stupid. Then, a sudden jerk on the rope. The hook had landed up on the deck of the battleship and hooked onto the side. James tightened his grip on the rope, now with both hands, and braced himself. The rope kept pulling him forward, and he swung straight into the side of the battleship, smacking into the metal hull with a loud WHAM! James shook his head, his ears ringing so loud that he could no longer hear the waves below him.

Oh, God in heaven! I'm gonna feel that in the morning.

He shook his head again and looked up. It was a pretty long way up to the deck. He then looked back down at the waves below. He realized that this was a bad time to recall his fear of heights, as well as of being out on the open ocean.

Okay, no big deal. Come on, keep it together, Katz. You're not going to let a little thing like water scare you, are you? You can do this. Just climb...

Slowly, hand over hand, James, or "Katz" as he now preferred to think of himself, started the long climb up to the deck.


German battleship Admiral Scheer, somewhere in the mid-Atlantic...

After a hard climb, Katz pulled himself up onto the deck. Things were pretty quiet. No one seemed to have noticed him. For a second, he thought he might be able to stow away all the way to Germany with no problems. But then, as he heard someone yell something in German, he realized that was too much to hope for. He turned and saw several men with guns running toward him.


He pulled his own M1 and fired a few rounds at them, then took cover behind one of the enormous guns on the battleship. When they got closer, he made a run by them, firing several more rounds from his gun, then took cover again.

He tried to stay out of sight and pick them off one by one, but more of them were showing up, and he was quickly outnumbered. As he ran and took aim again, he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his leg, then in his lower and upper back. He cried out in pain and fell flat on the deck. He wasn't sure how many times he'd been hit, but he knew he couldn't take many more bullets at this rate, and even if he could, they had him completely overwhelmed.

He kept his eyes closed, but heard the men gathering around him. They spoke for a minute, then picked him up and started carrying him. He couldn't see where they were going. He just hoped to God they weren't going to throw him overboard. In his current condition, swimming to safety wasn't an option. As they moved, though, Katz could feel one of his nine lives slipping away already. He'd be okay, but not before a little cat nap. Slowly, he became light-headed and started drifting off to sleep.


Katz slowly started to stir. He opened his eyes, not remembering where he was. He could hear voices, but didn't understand what they were saying. Without thinking, he sat straight up. He then realized where he was. He had been laid out on a table somewhere below deck on the German battleship, and standing right next to him were two very surprised German soldiers.

"Uh... Surprise!"

Both of the soldiers yelled in surprise, and one started to run, no doubt to alert the others. Katz jumped to his feet and pounced on him, grabbing him by the neck from behind, and threw him back into the metal table. His head cracked against the sharp edge of the table, and he collapsed to the floor. Katz wasn't sure if he was dead or unconscious, but it didn't matter. Without wasting a second, he ran toward the remaining soldier, who tried in vain to run away. Katz covered his mouth with one hand and kept and iron grip around his throat with the other.

"I don't know if you can understand me," Katz said, keeping his voice low. "But I don't want to kill you if you can be useful to me. Can you speak English?"

Katz uncovered the soldier's mouth. As soon as he did, the soldier started shouting something in German. Frustrated, Katz kneed him in the stomach.

"I'll take that as a no." In one swift motion, he grabbed the soldier by the head and twisted hard, snapping his neck.

As the body went limp in his hands, Katz looked around the room. All his equipment was gone, and it didn't seem to be in the room. There didn't seem to be any other weapons in the room, either. Not a good situation, considering someone probably heard all the commotion just now. Katz picked up the body and dumped it off in the far corner of the room out of sight, then went back and did the same with the other body.

Just then, Katz heard footsteps outside. He quickly ran to the door and hid himself behind it. A moment later, several more Germans barged into the room, looking around confusedly, but they'd walked right past Katz. By the time one of them turned around and saw him, he was already out the door and sprinting down the hall. They shouted and ran after him, but he easily outran them, and he was too far away for them to get a hit with their guns.

Down another hall, Katz saw a staircase leading up, most likely to the deck. He realized just then, since waking up, he hadn't felt seasick at all, which he most certainly had back when he was on the Jervis Bay.

We must be in port, he thought. Perfect. Time to do something completely idiotic.

Katz practically flew up the stairs, fueled by the adrenaline coursing through his veins. He ran out onto the deck, much to the surprise of several nearby soldiers. Without hesitating, Katz ran right up to the nearest soldier and punched him square in the nose. As he fell back, Katz snatched the gun out of his hands.

"Thanks, I was looking for one of these," he said to the fallen soldier, then sprinted to the edge of the deck and leapt off the side. As he sailed through the air, he looked down and realized he was a long way up. What was worse, he wasn't going to land in the water; he was going to land on the dock.

"Shit!" he exclaimed.

He plummeted like a stone and smashed into the ground. He could actually feel the individual bones in his body cracking on impact. He groaned in agony and coughed up a bit of blood.

"...shit," he said weakly. He tried to look around and get his bearings, but his vision was already getting fuzzy, and he got that familiar feeling of slipping away. Leaving his newly-acquired gun on the dock, he used the last of his energy to slowly crawl to the edge of the dock and roll off the side into the water. Thankfully, he was pretty buoyant. He drifted under the dock and out of sight.

Figuring they weren't likely to find him here, Katz gave a sigh of relief. He closed his eyes, and allowed himself to drift off to sleep, still floating around beneath the dock.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Polite Distances

I seem to be turning into a rabid Shaun Micallef fan. I'm not prepared to call him a God yet, but he's up there with the immortals to be sure.

Have you ever been in a situation where you might have to hold the door for someone, but weren't sure whether they were close enough for it to be appropriate to do so? Well, this handy reference guide should make it easier in the future to determine whether the other person is within polite distance.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

More of the same

Why on Earth do I find this so damn funny?

Can you watch this video and keep a straight face? I couldn't get through it without cracking up.

Sunday, April 29, 2007


That about sums up my feelings. Well, I guess I could elaborate a bit.

I know they don't read this, but I want to apologize ahead of time to my parents for being an utter failure at life. I'm still optimistic about my chances at a writing career, but until then, I'm going to be a terrible headache for them. So, business as usual, basically.

In other news, wrestling officially sucks now, and I'm swearing off it for a while. Hopefully, by the time I decide to start watching again, they'll have taken John Cena out of the title picture, put their new guys to better use, reestablished the brand barriers and stopped with all these cross-show self-promotion matches, and maybe written a decent storyline or two for once.

Also, I sort of decided that I'm going to stop denying people's friend requests on MySpace. I'm already antisocial in real life, so being antisocial on MySpace as well seems a little too sad, even for me.

That's it for now. Live long and prosper, readers. If you can't do both, then at least one or the other.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

More Comicking

Not sure if that's a word. Anyway, I have a feeling I'm going to start making a lot more of these little sprite comics, so here's a link to the RSS feed for my Witty Comics profile:

Handy things, these RSS feeds. Much easier than having to actually go back to a site regularly to check for updates.


What's more sad than making sprite comics? Making sprite comics with a site that automatically constructs them for you. Yes, I'm a sad individual. Anyway, go read mine. If you haven't already seen the conversation that spawned it, you may get a laugh out of it.

Click Me. You know you have nothing better to do.

I seem to be getting bored and making more of these, so check out the others. The username I use on that site is Ty, as you may have guessed.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Fear of the Light

I seem to be morphing into some kind of gruesome nocturnal creature. My first meal of the day is usually dinner, sometime in the evening, and my last before going to bed is breakfast, around 7:30 or 8 in the morning. It's weird, and is having various effects on me, some good and some bad.

For one, it's bad for my educational career. I'm still not sure what major to change to; maybe I'll just go with undeclared for a while and get a general Liberal Arts degree. At any rate, I need to get my shit together for the last few weeks of this semester, because I can't afford to fail anything else.

It also means I can't get as much food in my system, as the dining hall is closed during most of the hours I'm awake now. I often wake up shortly after they close in the afternoon and/or before they reopen in the evening, and I go to sleep a little while after they first open in the morning. Since I'm already a string bean of a man, eating even less food can't be good for me. It makes me wonder just how little nourishment someone with my metabolism can live on. Perhaps I'll slowly evolve into a new species that can sustain itself entirely on Doritos from the vending machine.

However, the schedule has done wonders for my (hopefully) future writing career. Stuff always comes to me in the middle of the night for some reason. My little file of half-finished stories for my possibly soon to be released online series is now more than 90 pages. I kind of wish my first novel hadn't grinded to a halt, though. It's still set around page 130-something, and I haven't touched it in almost a month. Maybe I'll get more done on both over the summer. In all likelihood, I won't be getting that internship, so I'll probably be trying and failing to get a job during the day, writing at night, then sleeping through the morning. I only hope I'll find time to eat and bathe in there somewhere.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Cops pick up BU student over ‘VT’ Web threat

Sometimes in life, there simply are no words for all the emotions swimming through my mind. However, I think I can sum up my reaction thusly:

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Monday, April 16, 2007

I blogged a man in Reno, just to see replies.

That title wasn't my idea. It's by request.

Starting off on kind of a somber note today, I just heard about the shooting at Virginia Tech.

Click to read the article

I'm not really sure what to say about it. It's a tragedy, and I really have nothing witty to say about it. My heart goes out to the friends and loved ones of those who died.

Now, a digital moment of silence:


On a lighter note, on WWE Raw tonight, good old "JR" Jim Ross just made the greatest segue in the history of speech:

"And speaking of non-aphrodisiacs, here comes the near 400-pound Umaga."

Friday, April 13, 2007

Jordan also wishes to inform all of you that he has had sex before.

That is all.

Slight Amendment - TMNT

Alright, so maybe I'm not a TMNT expert. Jordan, in his infinite wisdom (big eye roll), has informed me that the originals I was referring to really weren't the originals. Apparently, the more recent TMNT series and movie were based on the original TMNT comic book, whereas the ones I had deemed as original were just loosely based off of it. Now, I'm not going back on what I said, but I am willing to admit I was not well informed on this stuff. However, I still feel that the original series and movie, watered-down for kids as they may have been, were good. I've seen some of the more recent series that is supposedly based on the comic book. I tell you, I didn't care for it. As for the new movie, I guess I'll wait to see it before I pass judgement, but somehow, I doubt it's in any way as good as my nerdy-as-hell roommate insists it is. I don't know, maybe I'll find copies of the comics and read those. He claims the comic is pretty hardcore. However, it seems the new series and movie are still sort of aimed at kids, so I don't see how they are any closer to the original product than the series and movies that I grew up with.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Movies Suck: A Rant on Hollywood

You know, I always used to be a big movie buff. Hell, I still am. I'm not a movie trivia expert or anything. I just appreciate good movies. Sadly, it's hard to find good movies these days.

For starters, I have lost whatever Will Ferell fandom I had ever held. I never saw Anchorman in its entirety, but I saw a few parts, and they weren't too bad. After that, though, I saw ads for Taladega Nights, and I could pretty much tell I wasn't going to like it. I saw a few scenes while I was visiting my cousins who happened to be watching it on DVD, and I still hold the same opinion. It had a few funny moments, but just a few funny moments do not a good movie make. And once I saw ads for Blades of Glory, I just wanted to strangle the guy who came up with the concept. And shame on John Heder for accepting that part. Ever since Napoleon Dynamite, his career has been going downhill, which is amazing considering he was a complete unknown to begin with. The only Will Ferell movie I've sat through recently was Bewitched. Again, just a few funny moments do not a good movie make. Besides, it wasn't even really a new idea. It was just something they came up with after watching the TV series. This also transitions us into my next point:

Hollywood needs some god damn original ideas. Almost everything is a sequel, a remake or a ripoff. The Hills Have Eyes 2 is out now, right? I won't be seeing it. Granted, I enjoyed the first one, but I didn't like it enough to consider a sequel to have any merit. Plus, I just recently realized why I liked The Hills Have Eyes. Because it wasn't written by a crappy Hollywood writer in the 21st century. It was made by Wes Craven back in 1977. Somebody in Hollywood just liked the idea enough and said, "Hey, let's make that movie again and see if we can milk any more money out of the same damn idea." That is absurd enough, but the fact that they've now made a sequel of a remake is completely retarded.

Almost as retarded as a sequel to a ripoff of an Asian horror film. I speak, of course, of The Grudge. The difference here, of course, is that I did not like The Grudge. Not even remotely. I haven't seen the original film it was based on, but it couldn't have been as lousy as the US version. The fact that someone thought The Grudge 2 would be a good idea makes me think that drug use is more prevalent in Hollywood than anyone had imagined, because you'd have to be high to think we needed another Grudge.

And Nicholas Cage. Nicholas fucking Cage. He was in The Wicker Man. Another remake. Dear God, don't even get me started. Between this and that shitty Weatherman movie, I'm afraid to see Ghostrider. And now I hear they're making another fucking National Treasure. That movie was just some weak excuse for The DaVinci Code. In its own right, it didn't totally suck, but it was by no means good enough to warrant a sequel.

Anyway, thank God there seem to be a few new movies that weren't ripped from some earlier idea. On the side of non-ripoff, non-sequels, there's Perfect Stranger, Disturbia, Pathfinder, Grindhouse, The Reaping, Shooter, and I'll tentatively add 300. I think the concept's been done before, but not with the same approach. However, on the remake/sequel/ripoff side, we've still got Redline, Are We Done Yet?, Blades of Glory, and... *shudder* TMNT.

Oh, God, why did they have to remake TMNT again? It's not bad enough that they remade the tv series to make it more "hip" and "edgy", and it's not bad enough that they released one shitty videogame after another for the past half a decade. Now they have a new movie? Look, I'm drawing the line right here. Everyone who's with me, boycott this new TMNT crap. The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tv series is the only true series, the original arcade game was the only good videogame, and though I didn't totally hate the sequels, there was only one original, and there will forever only be one true TMNT movie. Don't believe me? Watch a clip or two.

Before I go, I'll just say one more thing: Charlie and the Chocolate factory should never have been made. There was no reason to ever remake Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory because it was absolutely perfect the first time. As if the story and characters weren't good enough in their own right, it had Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. If I haven't said it yet, I'll say it now: Gene Wilder is a God. Once you've had Gene Wilder, no one else can compare. So, Hollywood, I say in closing:

You lose! Good day, sir!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

The City of Rhodes

The island of Rhodes. Not to be confused with Rhode Island. One was a city in Greece that had its own colossus; the other is the tiniest state in the US.

So, just what is this site all about? What are the numbers counting down to? Your guess is as good as mine, but if you ask me, I'd say... I have no idea. Sorry, I'm drawing a blank. I was going to say they'll announce God of War III on that date, but I think they already did that, at least unofficially. And I know it's not a release date because God of War II is already out everywhere. Hmm... perhaps they're going to release some kind of special bonus content or something when the timer reaches zero. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Sweet Chocolate Jesus!

Honestly, I don't get it. What is offensive about this? Can someone please tell me what, if anything, is offensive about this sculpture? And please, don't say his chocolate wang. There's been nudity in art since way back when.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Stone Cold Steve Austin is a God

Also, I really need one of those new t-shirts.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

I'm in ur blogs, responding to ur angst

Yeah, I'm linking to this dude's blog. We both play UD apparently (or at least he used to), and someone directed me to it on a forum, saying it was, and I quote, "worth reading for the Lulz." He wasn't kidding.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

No Time Like The Past

Yeah, I know, I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been busy with shit. A lot of shit. Anyway, I didn't want to go too long without posting something new, so I thought I'd post this thing I found on YouTube. It's an old clip from The Twilight Zone, and it makes something of a statement about war. A statement I wholeheartedly agree with.

Also, don't read the comments. YouTube commentors are idiots.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I ran into Santa Claus today

This is not a joke. I think I just met Santa Claus in person. He was in the men's room at Sears. I was drying my hands, and he was washing his hands at the sink next to me. He had a bushy white beard that looked just like Santa. He wasn't especially fat, though, so I didn't think anything of it. Then, when I was walking out of the men's room, I heard him whistling to himself. Just as I got past the door, I suddenly realized that the tune he was whistling was "We Three Kings."

Normally, I would think meeting a person like Santa Claus would be very cool, especially since I was dead sure before today that he didn't exist. However, there was a problem. You see, just before I left the men's room, he offered me a friendly greeting. Now, being that a) I'm an anti-social dick, and b) He's some random guy I just met in a bathroom, I really didn't want to talk to him, and I didn't realize who he was at the time. So, I just sort of gave a muffled courtesy 'Hi' and walked out of the room. It wasn't until I got out of the room and heard the jolly whistling that it hit me who he was.

So, I think that settles it: I'm going to hell. If it wasn't a sure thing before, it is now. I don't know how serious a sin you have to commit to guarantee a ticket to hell, but I'm pretty sure that rudely and ignorantly snubbing St. Nick is on that list of things that'll get you a seat on the train to Hades.

Rod Serling is a God

But that one goes without saying.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Craig Ferguson is a God

I hope that's not news to anyone.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Kevin Smith is a God

That is all.

Monday, March 05, 2007


I don't know why, but I seem to have a knack for avoiding anything resembling work. Meanwhile, I seem to have taken time wasting to a new level. I've had days lately where I spend up to 30 minutes just staring at the computer screen. No, not surfing the web, just staring blankly at the screen. And yet, I would rather space out and lose huge chunks of time doing literally nothing than spend time doing work. I don't know, maybe if I didn't have a burning hatred for all of my classes this semester, it would be easier to focus. However, as it is, all of the classes I'm taking right now are retarded crap that I will never need to know for the rest of my life, and my brain is pissed off because it doesn't want to accept any more useless information. Believe me, I've memorized enough useless crap for ten lifetimes. For once, I'd like to learn about something I might actually give a flying fuck about.

Other news: I may be producing a serial novel soon. It might not happen, but I'm hoping it will, in some capacity or another. I've already started looking for a decent host site. I'd host it here, but no one reads this crap.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Smackdown vs. RAW 2007 - Special Challenge

Something new I just found after completing the legend challenges in SvR07: They have an additional Special Challenge section. There's only one challenge, but damn, it's messed up. How messed up is it, you ask? Well, this is what it is:

The challenge was apparently meant for testing out the new characters in the game. The match is a one-on-one match, apparently set to Legend difficulty, though it's hard to tell the difference sometimes between Hard and Legend. The match pits Mickie James, a 5-foot-4-inch, 124-pound female wrestler, against The Great Khali, a 7-foot-3, 420-pound freak of nature. You play as Mickie James. Yeah, you're pretty much fucked.

I can't help but think, what kind of sick freak came up with this? It sounds like the kind of match I'd make. Hell, the first couple times I tried, I failed the challenge because I was laughing too hard at the notion of Mickie James having her fragile feminine frame broken in half by that monster. There were some times, though, when even I had a hard time enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, I love unwarranted violence against pixelated women. But some things in wrestling games, like Khali punching a 124-pound woman in the kidneys, are just too sick and warped to watch. Thank God it was only a game. If I had to watch something like that in real life, I think even my stomach would turn at the sight of it.

However, thanks to my skill and clever tactics, I did succeed at beating Khali and completing the challenge. It took me at least 6 tries, but I did it. If anyone ever wants tips on how to complete the most ridiculously twisted challenge in the game that has no rewards whatsoever, just ask and I'd be happy to help.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Congratulations, Schunk. (A Facebook Wall repost)

Hey, Schunk. Nice going with the title belts. I just wanted to personally congratulate you on beating me for the first time ever in fair 1-on-1 competition. Sure, you had to use Kurt Angle, the most grossly overpowered character in the game, but still, I commend you on your victory.

Also, you're welcome. I'm glad I decided to go easy on you so you could have your few minutes of glory. But I think playtime is now over. You've had your laughs, and I've had mine. Next time we meet in the ring, I'll be taking my titles back, and you can take that to the bank.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

When you laugh at stuff like this...

That's how you know you're a geek, and all your hopes of fitting in with normal society were just a sad illusion.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Just a friendly reminder that Schunk is a bitch

I get pulled out of the cafeteria right when I'm going to eat. This joker insists that I have to come over and play Smackdown vs. RAW with this guy he knows from the lacrosse team. In the end, though, it just turned into me and Schunk playing while the other guy watched.

Regardless of what Schunk might tell you, I decidedly crushed him, and I have a witness. It was a 15 minute Ironman match, in which he spent most of his time outside the ring because he's afraid to get pinned. I was playing JBL, Schunk was playing Eddie Guerrero. Obviously, he was doomed from the start. Everyone knows JBL was the one who took the title from Eddie back in the day and held onto it for almost a whole year. This time wasn't much different. Schunk tried to stay in character by lying, cheating and stealing throughout the match, but it was no use.

In the end, I beat him 4 pins to 3. I still think I could have done much better, but for some reason Submission had been turned off for the match, which disappointed me to no end. I was really looking forward to making him tap.

Naturally, Schunk tried to make himself look good with a shallow victory afterward. He initiated a Money in the Bank ladder match, in which there would be 4 other guys beside him that I'd have to deal with. I didn't win the match, but neither did Schunk. After that, he started an Elimination Chamber match, and kept to his usual cowardly tactics of hiding in the corner while I had to deal with 2 or 3 other guys at once. I ended up getting pinned after the CPU Shawn Michaels got a lucky finisher. After that, Schunk just wandered around pinning everyone who got randomly knocked out, and he officially took the match.

So, to sum up, I'm still the man, and Schunk is still a bitch who always begs for 6-man matches like MitB and Elimination Chamber because he knows he can't beat me one on one. I know it, he knows it, and now that guy in Chapagne knows it:

There can be only one... Wrestling God!

Valentine's Day Discussion

(Again, this was something I originally posted on a forum, then decided to post here. Topics brought up included: Is love real? Is love just sexual attraction? Can animals feel love? Isn't Valentine's Day overcommericalized? Couldn't love just be a biological process that could potentially be bottled and sold? At least, those are the ones I talk about here.)

(This should also make my roommate happy, since I'm finally mentioning him)

Valentine's Day is really just another day for me. This year, I basically slept through the whole thing because it's cold and snowy, so all my classes got cancelled. My roommate did the same. He actually tells me he has a curse associated with Valentine's Day. Though he's been reasonably successful in his social life, he's always alone on Valentine's Day. He's even had girls break up with him on the 13th and get back together with him on the 15th or 16th just to keep the curse going. It's kind of funny and sad at the same time, but he takes it in stride. I have to give him credit for that.

Back to me. I'm a loner. I've never really gotten very close to anyone. I've had one girlfriend in my entire life, and she's now my ex. I refer to her as The Ex. We don't talk about The Ex. Anyway, though I'm really not experienced in such things, I believe love is a real thing. Animals feeling love? I don't know, but if the ape can learn sign language, it's probably smart enough to at least think it loves something. I also believe love goes deeper than mere sexual urges. We love our family members, don't we? For most of us, there's no sexual urges there. Maybe I'm just a lonely slob who's deluding himself, but I believe love is real, and that two people can have a serious emotional connection that has nothing to do with sex. Of course, given the choice, I'd probably go for someone who I can connect with on a deep emotional level who also happens to be smoking hot.

Is Valentine's Day overcommercialized? Yes, but what major holiday isn't these days? Can love really be just a chemical reaction in our brains that could one day be bottled and sold? Probably, but that's the case for pretty much any human emotion. Our brain operates on chemical reactions, so of course certain chemicals will change how we think and feel. I don't think bottling love will be any replacement for the real thing though. If a chemical can be an effective replacement for actual love toward a real person, then by that logic, masturbation is just as good as sex.

Then again, who am I to talk?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Defying Physics

Not the laws. Just the class. I hate physics. It all seems so useless to me, and I don't like the fact that most of it now is just applied Calculus, which I also hate. Also, Ke, or 1/4*pi*Epsilon-whatever, is an evil constant that I keep having to look up for these equations. I think it's ridiculous that I'm expected to work with such a number on a regular basis. Furthermore, I believe that anyone who can actually memorize that constant should be shot purely on principle.

...wait a minute... 8.9875x10^9 N*m^2/C^2

...Dear God, I even remember the units now. Someone please shoot me.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Product of a Discussion about Racial Stereotypes at 4am

(Taken directly from the thread. Some of the stuff at the end won't make sense to non-Proboarders)

I don't know why anyone takes stereotyping seriously. Stereotypes are right sometimes, but not often.

For example, it's a fact that the Japanese have serious repressed sexual issues, but that's only for the ones actually born and raised in Japan.

Bad driving? Please, everyone on the planet thinks they're a good driver. As it is, at least 80% of the human race sucks at driving. Probably more. Considering Asians take up a decent chunk of that, being that they're part of the human race, it's understandable how the stereotype came about. Of course, that doesn't mean none of them can drive. I'd draw you a Venn Diagram, but I'm a little too tired for that right now.

Small penis? Hell, I don't know. It could be genetic, or maybe something in the food. It sure doesn't mean it's true for all of them. Hell, there are probably plenty of black guys who have to deal with the disappointed look on their date's face when they get back to the apartment. I'm sure there are plenty of asians hung like horses. Granted, I've never seen any of them, but I don't really want to either.

So, don't get caught up in the nonsense. Everyone is unique. Hey, I'm white. I've never dated an Asian girl (though I wouldn't mind). I've never enslaved anyone or taken over their land. I don't care for hunting or NASCAR. I can't get a job to save my life. I've listened to both rap and rock in my day, and enjoyed both. I'd talk about the size of my manhood, but that could get really awkward really fast. In fact, it already has, hasn't it? Damn...

Oh, and the Italian thing: I'm not even loosely affiliated with the mafia. Most people don't find me attractive, though they agree I have great hair. The ladies in my family don't have any more hair than is considered normal.

So, to sum up, you're right to question stereotypes. They're usually not that accurate, and even when they are, it could be purely coincidental. The only reason they even exist anymore is so we can piss each other off, like how Rakk/Raul/CABAL/Insanity/Jack Nicholson rips on El Scorpio for being Irish, which I don't even think he is.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

YouTube Commentors

Can someone please tell me why it's so hard to find someone who wants to make an intelligent comment on a video? Why must everyone use that space to bitch and whine and insult each other just because they have differing opinions? I commented on this TNA video, and frankly I wish I hadn't. It's pretty hard to avoid sinking to their level. Just reading that shit can actually reduce your IQ by a dozen points.

I've concluded that the comments sections on YouTube videos really aren't for comments on the video. They're apparently there just so people who watch the video can throw feces at each other and act like complete idiots. I hate sharing cyberspace with these people, and when someone invents a way to electroshock people over the internet, I'll be one of the first ones to buy it.


"If you have it, you don't need it. If you need it, you don't have it. If you have it, you need more of it. If you have more of it, you don't need less of it. You need it to get it, and you certainly need it to get more of it, but if you don't already have any of it to begin with, you can't get any of it to get started, which means you really have no idea how to get it in the first place, do you?

You can share it, sure. You can even stockpile it if you'd like. But you can't fake it. Wanting it, needing it, wishing for it. The point is, if you've never had any of it, ever... people just seem to know."

Really, that's all I gotta say. Later.

Monday, February 05, 2007

You're As Cold As Ice

This is basically just a repost of something I said on a forum earlier today.

I don't know the exact temp outside, but according to the widget on my desktop, it's between 16 degrees and 6 degrees Fahrenheit. Of course, that's without wind chill. Something few people know about Poughkeepsie is that it gets really windy in the winter. I mean, really windy. I have had an umbrella torn apart in a rainstorm before because of this wind. Wind that can twist and snap the metal arms of an open umbrella apart; that's hardcore wind.

So, today I am walking outside in 3 layers of clothing: tshirt, sweatshirt, and my winter coat. I have my hood up and a hat on my head. I'm heading back to my room after class, and I am reminded of yet another fascinating quality of the wind in Poughkeepsie: no matter where I'm going, the wind is always directed in the opposite direction, so I get hit full in the face with it. At full speed, the wind becomes so biting that you can actually feel it stabbing right through the fibers of all 3 layers, right through the skin into my very core. Not a pleasant sensation.

You ever had one of those days where it's so cold that you can't think? Literally, the only thought you're capable of processing is, "Fuck, it's cold!"? That's today. Needless to say, I'm happy to be back inside, where I at least have Midrise's feeble excuse for central heating to keep me thawed. Something tells me I'm going to be very uncomfortable when I have to go back out in the middle of the night, though.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Open Letter to the McDonald's Corporation

To whom it may concern within the McDonald's corporation,

How y'all doin'? My reason for writing today is quite simple: I think I may have accomplished the impossible. Yes, I have thought of a way for you to make even more money. You see, I have recently discovered that, though your products have been criticized for their apparent negative health effects, they also have an effect that is healthy for the human body.

Allow me to explain. (If you are in a work environment or other public place, I would advise you to not read this out loud.) Last week, I was absent from school because of an illness. During this time, I had become, if I may attempt to say this in a relatively dignified way, irregular. I had not had a bowel movement all week. If you ask anyone who has experienced such a thing, they can tell you that it is quite a painful experience. So, naturally, I took steps to relieve this condition. I drank as much water as possible. I took some stool softeners, but they didn't seem to have any effect. At one time, I even tried the dreaded suppository, but nothing helped.

Then, when my uncle heard about my condition, he suggested that I go to McDonald's. According to him, whenever he has had constipation problems, he just eats some food from McDonald's, and it clears him right out. I thought it sounded odd, but I took his advice. Last Sunday, I ate a double cheeseburger, fries and a baked apple pie for lunch. Within 30 minutes of finishing the meal, I found myself heading for the bathroom to relieve myself. Incredible, but my uncle was 100% right. It worked like a charm.

So, that is the reason I am writing this now. I think that the seemingly magical colon-cleansing effect that your products have should not remain a secret. Your sales could get even higher if people realize that your food actually has healthy effects. The only trouble, in my mind, is how one would go about marketing such a thing. I'll leave that to your talented advertising writers. Of course, when I say 'talented', I mean that with all due sarcasm. You haven't made a tolerable television commercial in years.

This concludes my proposition. Thank you for your time, and I hope you will give this some consideration. And to anyone else who may have read this, remember this story next time you have any colon-related health issues.

Sincerely Yours,

Daniel P. Mayer, A Satisfied Customer