Saturday, June 23, 2012

Dreams: Something precious

I just remembered a strange dream I had the other night. I figured it was worth reviving my dream research, but given how scarce these dream journal posts are, I figured I'll just merge them into this blog from now on. So...

I dreamed that I had found the tiniest, cutest white kitten you could ever possibly imagine. It was no bigger than a baby mouse, but fully developed (eyes open, walking on its own, and so on). This was happening at my house, apparently. I held the tiny kitten in my palm and admired it for a while. Suddenly, random huge animals seemed to be attacking from all around; bears, dogs, and I'm not sure what else. I went outside and starting running, all the while cradling the tiny kitten, trying to protect it, but somehow it slipped out of my hands. A huge dog ran to the place where I thought I had dropped it, but the dog kept running. I ran back to that spot, and on the ground, where I was sure the kitten had landed, there was a small, hairless, wrinkly, bloated creature. It looked like a fetus. It wasn't all gory or anything, just shriveled and hairless, lying in the fetal position. I knew it was dead before I even picked it up.

This kind of haunted me afterward. The dream was at least partially lucid. I had enough presence of mind to do the little walking-through-walls thing I do in lucid dreams a lot. When the dog ran toward the fallen kitten, I think I sort of willed it to keep on running without stopping, since that's what I was thinking. This is kind of just speculation, though. Also, I obviously did not choose the ending to that encounter.

The thing that haunts me about this dream is, I believe it says something about the way I think about the things (and perhaps people) that are precious to me. It's like that tiny dead fetus was saying to me, no matter what you do or where you go, the thing you care about most will slip from your grasp and disappear. It's... not a kind message from my subconscious.

Anyway, it's all still open to interpretation, I guess. I just hate to think this is how things turn out in my dreams, where I'm supposed to have all the control. Maybe it says something else that I'm not thinking of. If anybody has a theory on that, I'm happy to hear it. These dream posts are meant to be discussed, after all.

Just going to repost this

It's more relevant here anyway.

Hmm, so, the blog post with the most individual page views is one about opening up and sharing my personal feelings. The second most viewed is titled "I just accidentally electrocuted myself." I think I learned something about my readership tonight.

Also, a bit of brevity would probably go a long way here. I could update more frequently if I didn't write an entire diatribe each time. Hell, I could update even more frequently if I just remembered to do so. It's not as though I ever run out of thoughts.

More to come soon, I guess. Peace and love, reader-folk.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Just felt like opening up

I guess I'll go ahead and say this. If the person I'm talking about happens to read it, it'll at least save me some time.

There is somebody in my life I'm interested in getting closer to, but I have been holding back out of doubt. I'm convinced already that she's a great person and I'm a lucky guy for even knowing her. The concern is the same as always: I think I'm going to screw it up somehow. Intimacy is something I'm not good at, and even when I can briefly succeed at it, having a real relationship with somebody often entails them being able to count on you. Although I'm far from being impartial when it comes to judging the quality of my character, I'll be the first to tell you I'm a reasonably smart, funny guy who has the best of intentions and a lot of love to give. The main issue is that I'm utterly unreliable. I might come through when I'm needed sometimes, but if I have a relapse of depression... well, then I'm useless.

Aside from that, there are the plans I had been making for my future. Although nothing specific is lined up now, it has been my intention for a while now to get as far away from here as possible. As much as I love my family, I'd much rather be temporarily miserable and independent than complacently comfortable at home. At the very least, I should be finding a place that will be good for my career(s). The main thing holding me back from that now is that I would be leaving friends behind.

Most of my life, friendships have been things that were hastily formed when they were convenient. I tried to befriend people who were close by, and if they drifted away, or more likely I drifted away, I didn't try to stop it from happening. That's fairly normal to some extent, but I don't want to be that way. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be, but I still have some difficulty talking to people, especially new people. It's horribly intimidating, and for all the gorgeous linguistic skill I display for you, my dear readers, on this blog and elsewhere, I'm still hopelessly awkward in person.

Even more than that, though, the thought of losing touch with people I cared for simply hurts me to think about. It tears me up inside, yet I keep letting it happen. It's stupid, but this is part of the reason I don't like to ask out girls I'm interested in. Even if I manage to say the all right things for a while, eventually I'm going to screw up. I'm going to let myself slip into apathy and neglect them. Worse yet, I might tell them what I really think about them, which depending on how well I know them could either be the single kindest or cruelest thing I could ever do to them. I feel like I can't get close to the people I care about because I think I'm just too destructive to be trusted around them. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but... well, I can't help but see a pattern in my brief history on Earth.

I must sound like such a whiny dork by now. Well, my point, if I had one, is that I seem to be more comfortable when the girl makes the first move. It's tricky even then, but at least I can have some assurance that they not only like me so far, but were willing to go out on a limb to get closer to me. It's silly, I know. I'm a decent enough guy, with a good life, and great family and friends. I shouldn't be so damn insecure. The very fact that I worry this much about hurting the people I love puts me head-and-shoulders above some people I've met. I guess I'm just too impartially paranoid for my own good.

Anyway, I might as well say this while I have some tiny iota of manly confidence stored up:

Jess, if you're reading this, I was talking about you. I'm not about to ask you on a date, because the very idea of formal dating makes me roll my eyes. I'm not suggesting a huge step up in our relationship either; I love to take things slow. All I want right now is to see more of you. Take that how you will.

Alright, that wasn't so bad. Now, if I can just find the balls to actually send that message straight to her. Hmm... maybe next time.

Thanks for putting up with my awkwardness. Peace and love, dear readers.

Just having some sexy thoughts

Not sure what fired my brain up tonight, but I have two posts for you. Here is the first.

It occurs to me that the values we as a society hold dear are not being communicated very effectively. They always seem to be present in children's entertainment, and we (usually) tell our kids how they should behave. It'd be better if we showed them how, but that's beside the point.

Despite our best efforts, we have an apparent culture of vices that permeates virtually every part of our world. Whether it's advertising, movies and television, music, magazines and news outlets, or even the actions of the people in our lives, there is always a constant message going directly in opposition to the things we're supposed to hold dear. There are too many elements of this to count, so I'll focus on this for now:


A lot of people treat sexuality like it's some kind of taboo, and when popular music, movies, television and more seem to flaunt the most disgusting and simplistic views of sexuality, the most absurd of measures are taken to counteract them. For example, some people would rather teach abstinence-only sex education in schools than have an open and healthy dialogue about sex and relationships with their kids. Frankly, I'm disgusted by people on all sides. Because sex is a cultural taboo, it becomes simultaneously something not to be discussed in polite company, and something to be indulged in with reckless depravity while nobody is looking. These are both twisted views on sex and should not be spread any further.

I just think that if we as a culture could approach the topic of sexuality with a bit more intelligence and tact, it wouldn't be such a problem. As long as you leave some of the biological specifics out, it should be acceptable to discuss the nature of adult relationships in polite company, even with children present. You should be able to talk about making love to your wife when your child is in the room; just leave out the bit where she doesn't like to go down on you because your penis smells like the toilet at a Denny's.

Sex is both a way to procreate and a medium through which two people can express their love for one another. It's far more than just a primal urge that immoral people indulge in to make themselves feel good, and that's a message our teenagers deserve to hear. For that matter, they deserve to know about the existence of differing sexuality and orientations, diseases, and contraception options.

Some adults in this country seem to think teens will have less sex if they know less about it, and that's idiotic. Our youth get a lot of bad messages about sex from music, tv, and so on. The way to combat that is not censorship; the way to combat it is to tell them the truth about sex and remind them of the values we've been trying to teach them their whole lives. You know, compassion, restraint, accountability, thinking of others as well as yourself, planning for the future. You are teaching your kids those things, right? I mean, why the hell else do you have kids?

Anyway, that's all I'll say on that for now. Peace and love, reader-folk.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Just got my degree and shot some aliens

The two events in the title are unrelated.

I'm wondering, would it be a bad idea to list this as my personal website in a professional portfolio? I have a feeling some potential employers wouldn't appreciate some of the things contained here.

Oh, before I forget, I might as well announce it here: I (semi)officially completed my studies at SUNY Institute of Technology this past May. I received an A on my thesis/capstone project, and unless something awful arises in the office, I will be getting my diploma in the mail sometime in July. I have earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer and Information Science, which is easily the most respectable-sounding piece of paper I've ever owned.

So, the job search has commenced. I'm signed up online for various job hunting services and trying to keep an eye out for great opportunities. Naturally, my mom still highlights stuff she's seen in the newspaper and leaves them for me to find, because that's how her generation does things. She's very hopeful and proud of me. Apparently I'm the first person in our family to get a BS. My mom only has an Associate's, and my dad didn't go to college. Makes me wonder sometimes how they managed to have a combined gross annual income over $100,000. It always sounds like a lot to me, but you know, taxes and all drain that quickly.

Also, I have a feeling my productivity in job hunting will be slightly hurt by the fact that I've just started Mass Effect 2 (and have purchased the third installment). I'm pretty hooked to this thing so far. I don't play video games like that daily, but once the game console is turned on, I have a difficult time turning it off. Anyway, a lot of Mass Effect jokes suddenly make sense to me, and I've decided that if Garrus and Kasumi Goto were able to conceive a child, it would be the most phenomenally amazing, charming, and lethal bad-ass in the history of fiction. Or maybe it'd grow up to be an accountant. There's no telling with kids.

Also again, I'm typing this at 4am. I started living in the daylight like a normal person for a while there, but apparently my circadian just has no rhythm, because here I am in the wee hours again. I might pull and all-nighter and try to reset my internal clock again. Hell, it worked once this year.

That's all for now. Peace and love, readers. Speak softly, but carry a big Arc Projector.