Saturday, July 22, 2006

Disregard previous post: July 24th is Magellan Day

I had a thing on Thursday, so now Magellan Day will be this Monday. As a little goal for myself, I'm going to see how many roads I can find that are named after past U.S. presidents. I'm going to bring my camera along in case I find something picture-worthy.

Also, I saw something interesting on the FVZA website. Did you know Magellan was attacked by zombies? That's a pretty hardcore way to die.

Okay, that's it for now. [insert witty farewell message here]

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Are you prepared to battle the undead?

I've always been of the belief that the world is going to end catastrophically. The most likely scenario is probably that the walking mental defects we call world leaders will finally snap and bomb the crap out of each other until the whole planet is cast into a nuclear winter. Another possibility, however, is that the undead will ravage the land.

I don't know about you, but I don't feel like being a snack for some dead guy with bad hygiene, so I think everyone on the planet should be prepared for an outbreak, no matter how unlikely one might seem. The FVZA website (linked above) is among the most professional-looking and extensive sources for information about how to prepare yourself for dealings with the undead. In fact, I'm embarrassed it took me this long to discover it.

I have long believed Jacko is undead, but I still can't prove it. If anyone finds conclusive proof, let me know.

So, to everyone who has too much free time and feels like they need to be ready for anything, check out the site, and do some research of your own if you have time. I don't know about you guys, but if there's an outbreak in my area, I'll be just fine. Unless there are werewolves. If there are werewolves, I'm screwed.

Monday, July 10, 2006

July 20th is Magellan Day

My sister and I decided to invent a holiday, so we created Magellan Day, because he deserves his own holiday. Why? First of all, his first name is Ferdinand, and that kicks ass. Second, he travelled around the entire world. He was a great explorer who deserves to be remembered by people who aren't history majors.

So, I invite everyone to celebrate Magellan Day on Thursday the 20th. Since I do not possess a form of transportation that could get me all the way around the earth, I will be celebrating by getting in my car and driving somewhere I have never been before, then pray to God I can find my way home. It will be a tremendous waste of gasoline, but for a guy like Magellan, I'd say it will be well worth it.

Mark it on your calendars, good people.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

This Just In: We are all going to die.

I watched the evening news today. Remind me to never do that again for the rest of my life. The main story I was watching was about this kid who died choking on his own vomit. How did this happen, you might ask? Well, I might respond, it seems the ice in his drink was contaminated with viruses. That's right. Infected ice. It killed one boy, made several dozen others violently ill, and it could happen to you, too.

Okay, could someone explain to me why the newscasters feel the need to constantly remind me that I am a fragile human being who could die at any given minute on any given day? It seems the whole point of this story, aside from the side benefit of informing people, is to scare me shitless. But wait, there's more:

The news nuts with too much time on their hands decided to go to various fast food places and concession stands with a hidden camera to see how the ice is handled there. Most of the employees at these places, when going to get ice for someone's drink, either dropped the scoop directly into the ice chest, or ignored the scoop completely and just dipped the cup into the ice, thus putting their hands in the ice and exposing it to countless forms of contagious disease.

They even took samples of the ice to see exactly what was in it. Besides the garden variety rotavirus and influenza, at one place they found traces of fecal matter in the ice. Yes, fecal matter. Apparently, the ice guy at that place uses his hand to wipe his ass, but for reasons unknown cannot acknowledge the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign, and a bunch of unlucky customers had to ingest trace amounts of his crap. Wonderful story to watch while you're eating dinner, eh?

As if that wasn't stupid enough, at the very end the anchor goes, "Oh, by the way, you might not be washing your hands properly. Go to our website to find out more." Apparently, there's a wrong way to wash your hands. Call me crazy, but I always thought scrubbing your hands with soap under running water was a simple concept, but apparently someone found a way to screw it up, and now the news must be spread before innocent lives are lost.

I actually went to the site, just in case I've been doing something wrong. It was a pain to find, but this is what it said: To wash hands, lather with hot water and soap for 20 seconds, rinse and dry on single-use paper towels. Apparently, I have been doing it wrong. I use cold water, and a hand towel which I often reuse. I guess I had better say my prayers tonight, as I will most likely be dead in a pool of my own vomit by morning. Well, at least I won't have to worry about contaminated ice anymore.

Goodbye, everyone. I don't want to die, but according to the team at News Channel 13, it is unavoidable. So, I hope you enjoyed reading my blog that I told you not to. God willing, I will either go to heaven, or perhaps someday be reincarnated. Here's hoping I'm taller next time around.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

When it hails, it pours

This past Thursday, June 29th, I went into Sears portrait studio and filled out an application. It must have been my lucky day, as I got to meet the manager, and she set up an interview right away. I could barely contain my excitement. Finally, I was going to get a job, and a job I could tolerate. As I left the building, I joyously exclaimed, "It's a bright and sun-shiny day!"

A few hours later, my neighborhood got hit with a monster hail storm. How big is "monster", you ask? Click here and see for yourself. I put a few next to some loose change so you'd have a frame of reference.

Now, picture a couple million of those falling out of the sky, which is filled with black storm clouds. They really did a number on my mom's flowers, as well as the paint on our house.

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However, the worst part had to be the trees. Oh, God, the trees. One was completely uprooted. Another hit our storage shed. Yet another came within inches of crushing my living room and/or impaling the AC unit next to the house.

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Somehow, this lone soccer ball in the front yard completely escaped harm. This one I will never understand.

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And for fun, here's one with my sister posing by the mangled tree trunk.

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Most of these were taken the same day. I wasn't able to upload them until now because of a rather lengthy power outage. Talk about a living hell. I could only read until it got dark. The rest of the night left me utterly bored to tears. I sat in the living room, surrounded by candles, playing chess with my mom. And I lost. I ask you, how will I ever live that down?

Well, I guess that's about it. The next day was the interview. It turns out I was more than qualified for the job, but they were looking for someone to work in the fall, during which time I'll be at Marist again. So, I didn't get the job. Man, when it hails, it pours.