Monday, May 16, 2011

Just felt like bitching and moaning

The title says it all. This is meant to be therapeutic for me, mainly, so don't expect anything especially captivating or interesting in this post.

For those who haven't heard, I dropped out of school. Again. Apparently I can't handle real life very well. Honestly, I had the easiest semester you could possibly imagine while still maintaining full-time status, and I still couldn't handle it. I've been too mind-numbingly depressed for any kind of responsibility at all. I have definitely lost all faith in the ability of medicine to help me manage my symptoms. I need to make some serious changes, that's for sure.

I'm sure the whole situation wasn't helped by how jaded I've become to the notion of finishing my degree. Especially since learning just how little all my CS studies have actually prepared me for a career in programming. Look at any careers or help wanted site; the demand for programmers right now revolves almost entirely around people who are experts in .NET, Flex, PHP, the Android environment, the Facebook platform, and pretty much everything to do with social networking, mobile applications and various other up-and-coming web platforms that I NEVER learned a thing about.

All I learned from some 5 years of college was some Java (not enough to make anything really cool with), C++ and C#, a semester of Scheme (which is great because 1, nobody fucking knows what Scheme is let alone uses it, and 2, I can't remember shit about it now anyway), a little Unix experience (again, not enough to do anything with), and a stockpile of general theoretical bullshit relating to operating systems and application development. I'm sure at least some of it has better prepared me to learn new languages or platforms, but that's not what employers are looking for now. They're not looking for interns to spend weeks teaching how to do shit in the hopes they'll be useful employees someday. They want people who already have training and experience working on these kinds of projects. That's something I never really got.

Seriously, higher education is a giant waste of money in absolutely every way. I'm essentially one semester away from having a degree, and I almost don't want to bother anymore. The only way it helps me is if I find an employer stupid enough to think a Bachelor's is any kind of substitute for actual contract work.

Also, I'm pretty sure now I thoroughly hate the general concept of dating and all the drama that surrounds it. I definitely hate relationships, and not just the romantic variety. I genuinely despise interacting with other people in virtually all settings.

It's probably worth mentioning, I definitely hate the way things have been turning out with a certain girl I know. I knew from the start we were better off just being friends, but she expressed what I thought was a serious interest in me. We kept hanging out, and God help me, I started falling for her. I liked her as more than just a friend, and I was attracted to her both physically and mentally. Then, just when it seemed like things were getting serious, and I had come to actually welcome that possibility, she kindly reminded me that she's still not over her ex, and likely won't be anytime soon.

So, we float now in the friend zone, slowly drifting further apart with each passing day, and I'm pretty much sick from the whole thing. I shared things with this girl I never share with anyone. I let myself get closer than I ever do with anyone, and made myself vulnerable because I wanted to believe it might work out. Well, as it turned out, I was right from the beginning. We would've been way better off if we'd stayed friends like we started out, but no, things had to get complicated. It's just a rotten mess. I can't talk naturally and candidly with her like I used to. I feel awkward and stupid, and I basically just don't even want to talk to her anymore, because whatever connection we had before got all fucked up.

Anyway, I don't know what's next for us. I'm guessing we'll slowly just stop communicating altogether, just like every other friend I've ever had. I don't want that to happen. I'd love it if I could go back to being comfortable talking to her again, or even take things further than that, but I know me, and I know it's very unlikely I'll ever be able to really care about someone like that again.

I find lately that I will cry during some romantic movies or family-type things. I know why it happens, too. It's never when something tragic is happening; it's always when someone is talking about true love or something similar. I cry when that happens because I know it's all bullshit. I cry because those moments remind me what a total farce the whole concept of love is. It's not the beautiful interpersonal connection it's portrayed as.

Here's what love is: you open your heart to someone, and sometimes they'll open theirs to you as well, and for a few fleeting moments you can be happy together. Mostly, though, when you open your heart to them, all you've really done is made it possible for them to injure you emotionally. And they will. A lot, whether they mean to or not. In all likelihood, if you were in sync enough, you'll be hurting them at the same time. You can probably still make each other happy if you really try, but the happiness is pathetically fleeting. The hurt lasts much longer.

On a different note, the dream blog I started isn't seeing much use, since I'm remembering my dreams even less than I used to. I guess I have to work on my diet.

Things I currently should be doing that I'm not: working out, sleeping regularly, watching my diet, bathing regularly, finding a job, writing, drawing, reading, playing Wii games (to improve my endorphine levels or whatever), trying to get published, practicing my C# skills, learning a musical instrument and/or how to sing. Really, any one of these would be nice.

What I am doing most of the time is finding any way I can to waste time and temporarily distract myself from the fact that I wish with every fiber of my being that I was dead. Don't worry, though, I'm sure I won't try to kill myself. That would require some form of commitment on my part, and God knows that won't happen. I never achieve anything I aspire to regardless of the level of effort I put in, so why knock myself out?

So, I think I'll sign off for now. I'd close with another 'peace and love,' but why keep perpetuating bullshit myths?


  1. Dan could you repost this on a different background? I can't make it out at all. Hey! Maybe that was your intention. Stay well.

  2. It must not be displaying right, because there's supposed to be an off-white section behind all the text. The background shouldn't even be showing except on the sides.