Saturday, August 11, 2012

Just unsure of how much to say

Unhappy news first: I'm not getting that job with Vicarious Visions. I didn't make the cut, and frankly I don't blame them. The proficiency test just served to prove how unproficient (inproficient?) I am. So, the search for steady employment, or employment of any kind really, continues. There will be more on that as it develops. I have hopes for another company that I'm somewhat less excited about, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Ourselves? Who are these plural selves I just referenced? It's only me here. Anyway...

For once, something wonderful is going on in my life that I'm not eager to share every detail of just yet. I'd just like to comment in general for now on the phenomenon known as "young love." Even now, it's sort of bizarre to me. There's a surreal, improbable, even unnatural feeling to all of it. Perhaps I'm tainted, or just overly cautious, but I find it hard to truly enjoy without careful examination.

For someone like me, who has only on a few occasions been involved with someone in any romantic capacity, it's hard to ignore this nagging fear: as much as I may like the person I am with in that moment, how do I know that this feeling I have isn't just a sort of relief at no longer being alone?

Really, any form of love is a good thing; I've always been an advocate of this concept. Whether it's fleeting or long-term, casual or committed, straight or gay, friend or family; it's all good.

What troubles me is the suspicion that, if there were another girl sitting by my side, her head resting on my shoulder as we hold hands, I would for the most part feel the exact same way. If this were true, it would mean that what I felt was not truly love for this one person, but for the mere idea of no longer being alone. Essentially, it would be love of the concept of loving, and of being loved.

Basically, I want to know for certain that this special person is just that. I need to believe that I haven't just been drawn to her for lack of other options. She is a terrific person; I have no doubt about that, and I certainly liked her before I had any sort of romantic or sexual thoughts about her. That's at least reassuring.

Well, as usual, I'm over-thinking things. If I think she's a great person, and want to spend more time with her, then what else is there to worry about? I really just need to relax. It would be easier if she were sitting here now. At least, I think it would be.

Actually, yes, I'm sure it would be.

So yeah, I'm worried over nothing. Still, I'm glad I at least thought about it. I can ultimately be more secure in my feelings that way. And hey, maybe someone reading this feels better as well. That would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

That's all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.

1 comment:

  1. For heavens sake Dan. Just get on with the love stuff. Enjoy it while it's there. If it doesn't last, put it down to experience and move on to the next one.
    On the job front, that one was not meant to be. Maybe it's a bit like love too. You will get there in the end.
    Sorry you couldn't make my party. I had a few beers for you.