Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Year Without A Schunk

On December 11th, out of the clear blue sky, a got a text from my old arch-rival in life, Matt "The Sexecutioner" Schunk. The text exchange went as follows:

Schunk: The world needs another blog post about me
Dan: I'm not sure the world is ready
Schunk: It is
Dan: Well, I'll see what I can come up with

Now it's already the 23rd of December (Happy Festivus, by the way), and I still haven't lived up to what I offered. This may be due in part to the fact that writing is a creative process requiring both time and intangible inspiration. I can't and won't just put out at a moment's notice for every guy who begs me for it.

For those not in the know, Schunk has had a history of giving me a hard time, and I have a history of returning the favor. But we haven't seen each other in quite a while, and that's the other part of the problem. Having not hung out in quite a while, I haven't had a lot of new material to write about. For the most part, this has been the year without a Schunk.

That's an apt way to put it, actually. Really, Schunk has a lot in common with Santa Claus. They're both jolly fellows, they're both good at making their friends feel merry and bright, and they both kind of look like horrifying man-sized babies when completely shaved.

So, after realizing that a year without a Schunk just wouldn't do, I decided to go stalk him on Facebook a bit. I should note how fitting it is that after all this time his Facebook profile picture is still the one of him with Hulk Hogan. Our parting ways is I think a big part of the reason I lost interest in professional wrestling, since Schunk so epitomized everything compelling about it. He has all the charisma of the Hulkster, the unforgettable attitude of Stone Cold Steve Austin, the commanding bravado of the Nature Boy Rick Flair, and all the good looks and sex appeal of Mick Foley after having his face smashed through a flaming table.

As I browse a bit through his Facebook wall, it seems like he's actually had a pretty big year, and while I don't think I should share any of his photos here out of respect for his privacy and that of his friends and family, I would like to quickly run down some of the highlights that jumped out at me.

  • Schunk has apparently found a charming ladyfriend to share a long-term relationship with, in possibly the biggest upset since I did the same that one time and didn't tell anyone online. Seriously, guys, I had a girlfriend. That totally happened.
  • I was previously unaware how much Schunk loves dogs. Schunk, if you're ever in Albany, I've got a friend who works in an animal shelter that would love to meet your dogs, talk about dogs, or at the very least see every cute dog photo you've ever taken in your life.
  • Participating in No-Shave November, Schunk apparently raised almost $500 in donations. Pretty impressive. I also chose not to shave all through November, I just didn't tell anybody what I was doing and didn't raise or donate any money. Way to make me feel like a dick, Schunk.
  • Halloween is usually a big event for Schunk. This year, he and some friends did a group costume and dressed up as The Golden Girls. Schunk in drag... The jokes practically write themselves. In all honesty, though, if you were to ask me to think of a man who can more thoroughly evoke the image of our dearly departed Bea Arthur than Schunk, I'm not sure I could come up with anybody else. He just makes such a handsome woman.
  • Now, I wasn't really thrown by the Golden Girls picture. I'm used to goofy costumes from Schunk; this is the guy who went to a party one year as Goldust and didn't stop rubbing himself and making those creepy sensual gyrating motions all night. No, the most disturbing thing I found on Schunk's wall was a picture of him clean-shaved wearing a button-down shirt and a yellow tie. The attire alone seemed really out of place, as if somebody had put a collar and tie on a pug or a camel. It just doesn't look right. But beyond that, looking at that man's head without a spot of hair on it, I couldn't help but wonder whether all those years ago Kane and Lita really had that demon baby after all.
I could go on, but I won't. I think that's enough ego stroking for one year. I've been sitting here for over an hour now. I love you Schunk but all this stroking is making me sore.

Alright, alright, enough of that. Before I sign off, I'll just offer a Happy Holidays to anybody reading this garbage, and a very Happy New Year to Schunk and the people in his life that he somehow still hasn't driven insane yet. Best of luck out there, dude.

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