Thursday, April 12, 2007

Movies Suck: A Rant on Hollywood

You know, I always used to be a big movie buff. Hell, I still am. I'm not a movie trivia expert or anything. I just appreciate good movies. Sadly, it's hard to find good movies these days.

For starters, I have lost whatever Will Ferell fandom I had ever held. I never saw Anchorman in its entirety, but I saw a few parts, and they weren't too bad. After that, though, I saw ads for Taladega Nights, and I could pretty much tell I wasn't going to like it. I saw a few scenes while I was visiting my cousins who happened to be watching it on DVD, and I still hold the same opinion. It had a few funny moments, but just a few funny moments do not a good movie make. And once I saw ads for Blades of Glory, I just wanted to strangle the guy who came up with the concept. And shame on John Heder for accepting that part. Ever since Napoleon Dynamite, his career has been going downhill, which is amazing considering he was a complete unknown to begin with. The only Will Ferell movie I've sat through recently was Bewitched. Again, just a few funny moments do not a good movie make. Besides, it wasn't even really a new idea. It was just something they came up with after watching the TV series. This also transitions us into my next point:

Hollywood needs some god damn original ideas. Almost everything is a sequel, a remake or a ripoff. The Hills Have Eyes 2 is out now, right? I won't be seeing it. Granted, I enjoyed the first one, but I didn't like it enough to consider a sequel to have any merit. Plus, I just recently realized why I liked The Hills Have Eyes. Because it wasn't written by a crappy Hollywood writer in the 21st century. It was made by Wes Craven back in 1977. Somebody in Hollywood just liked the idea enough and said, "Hey, let's make that movie again and see if we can milk any more money out of the same damn idea." That is absurd enough, but the fact that they've now made a sequel of a remake is completely retarded.

Almost as retarded as a sequel to a ripoff of an Asian horror film. I speak, of course, of The Grudge. The difference here, of course, is that I did not like The Grudge. Not even remotely. I haven't seen the original film it was based on, but it couldn't have been as lousy as the US version. The fact that someone thought The Grudge 2 would be a good idea makes me think that drug use is more prevalent in Hollywood than anyone had imagined, because you'd have to be high to think we needed another Grudge.

And Nicholas Cage. Nicholas fucking Cage. He was in The Wicker Man. Another remake. Dear God, don't even get me started. Between this and that shitty Weatherman movie, I'm afraid to see Ghostrider. And now I hear they're making another fucking National Treasure. That movie was just some weak excuse for The DaVinci Code. In its own right, it didn't totally suck, but it was by no means good enough to warrant a sequel.

Anyway, thank God there seem to be a few new movies that weren't ripped from some earlier idea. On the side of non-ripoff, non-sequels, there's Perfect Stranger, Disturbia, Pathfinder, Grindhouse, The Reaping, Shooter, and I'll tentatively add 300. I think the concept's been done before, but not with the same approach. However, on the remake/sequel/ripoff side, we've still got Redline, Are We Done Yet?, Blades of Glory, and... *shudder* TMNT.

Oh, God, why did they have to remake TMNT again? It's not bad enough that they remade the tv series to make it more "hip" and "edgy", and it's not bad enough that they released one shitty videogame after another for the past half a decade. Now they have a new movie? Look, I'm drawing the line right here. Everyone who's with me, boycott this new TMNT crap. The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tv series is the only true series, the original arcade game was the only good videogame, and though I didn't totally hate the sequels, there was only one original, and there will forever only be one true TMNT movie. Don't believe me? Watch a clip or two.

Before I go, I'll just say one more thing: Charlie and the Chocolate factory should never have been made. There was no reason to ever remake Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory because it was absolutely perfect the first time. As if the story and characters weren't good enough in their own right, it had Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. If I haven't said it yet, I'll say it now: Gene Wilder is a God. Once you've had Gene Wilder, no one else can compare. So, Hollywood, I say in closing:

You lose! Good day, sir!

No comments:

Post a Comment