Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I have yellow teeth, and I'm fine with it

For some reason, lately whenever I open my hotmail inbox, I see not one, not two, but three ads on the same page advertising teeth whitening products. My initial thought was, how in the hell do they know me so well? If you've ever spent enough time around my mouth, and I know you wish you had, ladies, you'd find that, aside from my slightly crooked bottom teeth, and the most intense case of chronic bad breath you've ever seen, I have yellow teeth.

For the sake of preserving what's left of your opinion of me, I'd like to point out that my teeth coloration is not for lack of oral hygiene. I brush an average of twice a day, floss whenever I remember to, and I've never had a cavity in my life. However, ever since I was little, I've loved apple juice. Where most kids loved soda, I drank apple juice nearly every day of my childhood. I still do, in fact, but in somewhat lighter quantities. The trouble is, all that acidic juice leaves an impact on teeth. Aside from mild erosion of enamel, over 20 years of juice has left a light bronzy stain on my teeth, similar to what some daily coffee drinkers get. The result: my teeth are healthy enough, but permanently tainted with a yellow hue.

Now that I've gotten that out, one might pose the question, "Dan, why not try some of these fine whitening products being advertised?" Well, the simple answer is this: I don't give a fuck about having white teeth. What do I need white teeth for? To light up my winning smile? This is me we're talking about. In my entire life, my parents have acquired maybe half a dozen pictures where I actually smiled, and only one where I showed any teeth. Why?

For one, I'm a miserable fuck who'd rather scowl than smile. I've gotten to the point where even if I'm actually happy, I'm more likely to flash an evil-looking smirk than a genuine smile. Of course, I'm usually happy at someone else's expense, so that's usually quite appropriate.

For another thing, that recent picture of me smiling enlightened people to what I already knew: I have a very creepy-looking smile. There's no way around it. I'm a creepy dude, and smiling just makes it worse. I don't know why. I was an adorably cute little kid. My smile was a sparkling example of youthful joy. My parents took me to professional photographers all the time just to capture that vibrant smile in celluloid form.

And then I got older. And God only knows what happened, but now I'm just a hopelessly creepy little goblin. I'm not totally sure why I don't smile more often. Maybe it's because I'm actually a little ashamed of the fact that I'm a letcherous goon with deep-seated resentment for myself and the entire human race. Maybe it's because I have yellow teeth.

Well, call me nuts, but I'm going with the former. I've had yellow teeth a long time, and I've been a depressing creep for just as long. There's no sense in trying to change that about myself now. Even if I do one day become self-actualized enough to be happy with myself, I really don't care enough to have white teeth. Aside from the general vanity of it, my teeth are a reminder to me of the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I no longer want to be. On the off chance that someday I finally blossom into a respectable human being, I don't want to forget where I came from.

I'm not saying I want to carry all those skeletons with me for the rest of my life, but who I am and who I aspire to be are not things I take lightly, and wherever I go in life, I never want to forget what I left behind me. Once those skeletons are out of the closet, they're going in a display case to commemorate the fact that I overcame them. I'm kind of vain like that. Just not vain enough to get my teeth whitened. Maybe I should do like Mitch Hedberg said and just get a tan.

Incidentally, I noticed that when I get a tan, perhaps as a result of all the fruit juice I drink, my skin suddenly smells sweet. Seriously. Come here and smell me.

Okay, I guess that's enough for tonight. Goodnight, readers. Peace and love.

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