I really don't like to write things here about my personal life if I can help it. The obvious exceptions are anecdotes that I think might be funny or at least enjoyable by someone. Of course, most of my life isn't that interesting, and so I have relatively little to write here. However, I feel tonight should break with tradition, if only to let people know what's going on.
To put it simply, I've been having a rough sort of depression relapse. I'm having a very hard time finding the will to even get out of bed in the morning. I think it's hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it, but suffice to say it's pretty amazing I haven't killed myself yet. I'm sure I have something to live for, but I'll be damned if I can think of what it is.
So, it's starting to look like I might be taking a break from school. I don't know yet what's going to happen, but it's fairly certain that I'm not graduating in May at this rate. So, I guess I don't know what's next for me. I'm getting some blood work done tomorrow, going to see a new doctor, maybe get some counseling. Other than that, it's a mystery.
Really, I hate this. I know how this must look to most people, and I feel totally pathetic, but this mess has gotten out of control. I'm not just depressed; there is something clinically wrong with me. Nobody should feel this way all the time for no reason.
Anyway, I'm hoping I'll find a way to turn this into something good. If I end up taking some time off, I'll try to make the most of it, either writing or drawing. I don't know, I just don't want to waste my damn life forever. In the meantime, though, I guess I'm sitting in front of the computer like an ass playing Castle Age and growing a beard. Could be worse, I guess. I could be playing World of Warcraft.
I know how your feeling, I am in the same place. It started with being backstabbed by a friend, then I got fired from my job, then I got hurt and was on bedrest - just the place I wanted to be - then my very best friend tried to take my husband which caused no end of pain. Now, I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to lay here in the dark and sleep, make the world go away. I too am in counseling, and hope to go back among the living. Hang in there, keep fighting, we will find the light again!
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