Sunday, June 17, 2012

Just felt like opening up

I guess I'll go ahead and say this. If the person I'm talking about happens to read it, it'll at least save me some time.

There is somebody in my life I'm interested in getting closer to, but I have been holding back out of doubt. I'm convinced already that she's a great person and I'm a lucky guy for even knowing her. The concern is the same as always: I think I'm going to screw it up somehow. Intimacy is something I'm not good at, and even when I can briefly succeed at it, having a real relationship with somebody often entails them being able to count on you. Although I'm far from being impartial when it comes to judging the quality of my character, I'll be the first to tell you I'm a reasonably smart, funny guy who has the best of intentions and a lot of love to give. The main issue is that I'm utterly unreliable. I might come through when I'm needed sometimes, but if I have a relapse of depression... well, then I'm useless.

Aside from that, there are the plans I had been making for my future. Although nothing specific is lined up now, it has been my intention for a while now to get as far away from here as possible. As much as I love my family, I'd much rather be temporarily miserable and independent than complacently comfortable at home. At the very least, I should be finding a place that will be good for my career(s). The main thing holding me back from that now is that I would be leaving friends behind.

Most of my life, friendships have been things that were hastily formed when they were convenient. I tried to befriend people who were close by, and if they drifted away, or more likely I drifted away, I didn't try to stop it from happening. That's fairly normal to some extent, but I don't want to be that way. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be, but I still have some difficulty talking to people, especially new people. It's horribly intimidating, and for all the gorgeous linguistic skill I display for you, my dear readers, on this blog and elsewhere, I'm still hopelessly awkward in person.

Even more than that, though, the thought of losing touch with people I cared for simply hurts me to think about. It tears me up inside, yet I keep letting it happen. It's stupid, but this is part of the reason I don't like to ask out girls I'm interested in. Even if I manage to say the all right things for a while, eventually I'm going to screw up. I'm going to let myself slip into apathy and neglect them. Worse yet, I might tell them what I really think about them, which depending on how well I know them could either be the single kindest or cruelest thing I could ever do to them. I feel like I can't get close to the people I care about because I think I'm just too destructive to be trusted around them. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but... well, I can't help but see a pattern in my brief history on Earth.

I must sound like such a whiny dork by now. Well, my point, if I had one, is that I seem to be more comfortable when the girl makes the first move. It's tricky even then, but at least I can have some assurance that they not only like me so far, but were willing to go out on a limb to get closer to me. It's silly, I know. I'm a decent enough guy, with a good life, and great family and friends. I shouldn't be so damn insecure. The very fact that I worry this much about hurting the people I love puts me head-and-shoulders above some people I've met. I guess I'm just too impartially paranoid for my own good.

Anyway, I might as well say this while I have some tiny iota of manly confidence stored up:

Jess, if you're reading this, I was talking about you. I'm not about to ask you on a date, because the very idea of formal dating makes me roll my eyes. I'm not suggesting a huge step up in our relationship either; I love to take things slow. All I want right now is to see more of you. Take that how you will.

Alright, that wasn't so bad. Now, if I can just find the balls to actually send that message straight to her. Hmm... maybe next time.

Thanks for putting up with my awkwardness. Peace and love, dear readers.


  1. It was depression that screwed up most of my relationships too. It still strikes occasionally. I deal with it by shouting at it. Literally. I go into the fields and shout. Have you tried that?
    One thing I have learned, is that it is no good spending your precious life worrying about what may or may not happen tomorrow. Just do it!
    On women, I began to get on much better with them, when I realised they are not an alien species. They are human, and subject to the same emotions as men. Once I stopped thinking of them as just sexy people, and realised it is possible to be friends with them too, life got a lot easier. And I got more dates!
    Get on the phone to her now!

  2. Thanks John. I know, women are human like anybody else. It's my own humanity I tend to question. Still, I appreciate your point. It's in my nature to worry too much about these things, but I'm trying to get past that. As the saying goes, nothing ventured, nothing gained.