Friday, October 04, 2013

Jordan Church should have counted his blessings

Since this is evidently nostalgia week for me, and Jordan's ego wouldn't let him leave well enough alone, I decided it would be fun to reflect on some of the good old times shared with my former college roommate:

As I've always been a fantasy-loving, game-playing, physical-outdoor-activity-shunning nerd, the fact that I never played Dungeons and Dragons in high school is a bizarre incongruity of my youth. I actually purchased some D&D materials in my late teens out of curiosity, but never really had a proper group to play with. It was Jordan who really got me into it. He was the wise Dungeon Master who presided over my first two D&D characters, Julius Blackthorn the pretentiously-named antisocial pyromaniac sorcerer, and Arengee the ineffectual paladin.

A game like D&D, in my opinion, is inherently not a serious endeavor, so no matter how much love and effort is poured into characters, plots, and puzzles, a good DM leaves breathing room for humor, especially of the slapstick variety, and understands the value of a memorable critical success or failure. Jordan was one such DM. Whether it's heroes falling off cliffs and losing their weapons, or enemies accidentally beheading their own mounts, a little chaos goes a long way.

Speaking of painful dismemberment, does anyone remember a unique horror-comedy movie called Teeth? I certainly do. I'm sure Jordan hasn't forgotten it either. The nightmares won't allow him to. If you have never heard of the movie before now, I encourage you to read the plot synopsis, assuming you're not eating anything.

There is some additional context needed for this. When we were still roommates, Jordan was playing a classic Metroid game and I watched a bit. One part had these toothy alien maws protruding from the floor that the player had to carefully jump over. As if they needed to be made more horrifying, Jordan had said they looked like big toothy vaginae. It struck me funny, and I think we referenced it a few times after that.

The story skips ahead to his birthday, after I'd left Marist. He said he wasn't expecting people to bring gifts, but I'd made up my mind once I saw that trailer. Along with his friends/roommates, we watched the movie later that night. Against his own better judgment, and to my slightly sadistic delight, we sat through all 94 gory, disturbing minutes. When it was over, he demanded I take the DVD and never let it enter his home again. I did as he asked, but I'm not sure what happened to it after that. I assume the ground beneath my entertainment center split open and swallowed the disc, drawing it back down to the depths of hell where it would be consumed by the flames that wrought it.

Of course, this was hardly the first time we shared a disturbing experience. There was the time I walked in on him masturbating. That in itself wasn't a big deal. He had himself covered up before I saw anything. I was actually more puzzled to see the video playing on his computer with him sitting on his bed five feet away. I didn't think to ask if he was actually watching it from that far away, or if he'd just left his underwear on the bed and leaped across the room to retrieve it when he heard the doorknob turn.

I think that was the same time we grew closer as friends by broaching the subjects of pornography and self-massage. As we were discussing said topics, I at one point challenged him to locate the illicit materials on my own computer, believing I had hidden my stash cleverly enough that it was unlikely to be uncovered by a cursory search. He opened Windows Media Player and immediately found nasty things in the video section of the library. Oh, I was such a rookie. Of course, these days I know better. I just leave those things in plain sight because it's my laptop that nobody else uses, and I'll have a drawing of a DNA-plastered woman laying spread eagle under a gang of half-human-half-pig men with barbed penises as my desktop wallpaper if I want. Not that I want any such thing. I just like having options.

Then there was the time that his girlfriend came to visit from out of town. They hadn't seen each other in a while, and he made it clear well ahead of time that they would want some privacy, which I was happy to provide. I let him know when I'd be in class and they took advantage of that time to get reacquainted in a carnal fashion. As luck would have it, my class let out very early that day due to a short exam. Having nothing better to do, I took a nearly hour long walk by the river. It probably would have been relaxing if the whole "naked people having boisterous, slippery intercourse in my room" situation weren't so difficult to get out of my mind.

What made it a little more awkward was the discussion we'd had before her arrival. At her request, he was planning to shave all of his body hair. While I understand that different women have different tastes in men, there was something about the idea of their extracurricular activities being a bit more aerodynamic that added to the awkward factor for me. Anyway, let it never be said I'm not tolerant and accommodating. If you need further proof of that, I have another former roommate I could tell tales about. Another time, maybe.

Also, there's no story to tell on this one, but Jordan is responsible for introducing me to The Venture Bros. If there was ever a doubt in your mind that he was a fine, upstanding fellow well worth being friends with, that fact alone should put it to rest.

That'll have to do it for tonight. I'm getting tired. I'd like to thank Jordan for (hopefully) being a good sport about this. If I said anything too personal and you're worried an employer might see this, let me know and I'll edit it out.

Peace and love, readerclan. Goodnight.

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