Only 3 Things In Life Are Certain: Death, Taxes, and Me

After I started paying taxes last year, I came to the conclusion that the government needs to find a way to save money. Why? If the government saves money, then maybe they won’t make me pay so much in taxes. Call me a communist, but I don’t like the idea that I am required by law to give a portion of my earnings to the federal government. Now, I realize a total absence of taxes will never happen legally, so the best I can hope for is a tax cut. Unfortunately, the Bush administration only seems to like handing out tax cuts to the rich. I hear talk about the trickle-down theory, but here’s the issue with that theory: it makes the false assumption that rich people aren’t greedy bastards who will keep profits for themselves rather than give their employees raises. I figure if I want tax cuts for the poor to become a reality, the federal government needs to cut their costs further, and I’ve got plenty of ideas for how to do that. Here’s a great one I just had the other day:

I’ve seen on the news that they recently hired that Tony Snow from Fox News to be the new press secretary. I quickly realized that Tony Snow is exactly like their last secretary Scott McClellan, at least in how he carries out his job (Yes, most of my news comes from The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Sorry, but I don’t have the mental stability required to watch C-SPAN). They seem to say the exact same things when addressing the press’ questions… or not addressing them as the case may be. I guess they must have the same model of microchip implanted in their brains.

Seriously, though, I know how the government could save some money right now: Fire Tony Snow, and replace him. He must make a decent salary, right? However, instead of looking for another news correspondent or something, they should just go to Wal-mart and buy a magic 8-ball. Then, they could modify the 8-ball so it would fit the job criteria, and then set it on the podium in front of the press. The reporters could come up one at a time, ask a question and shake the magic 8-ball. Instead of saying regular things like “Definitely yes,” “Not Likely,” or “Ask again later” (actually, they could keep that last one), the press secretary 8-ball would respond with things like “I can’t comment on the details of an ongoing investigation at this time,” “I am afraid that information is classified,” “I believe I already addressed that question in an earlier statement,” or maybe “I can neither confirm nor deny that… aw, screw it. Just go away. You know damn well I’m not going to answer your question.” That should save the government a nice chunk of money.