This Just In: We are all going to die.

I watched the evening news today. Remind me to never do that again for the rest of my life. The main story I was watching was about this kid who died choking on his own vomit. How did this happen, you might ask? Well, I might respond, it seems the ice in his drink was contaminated with viruses. That's right. Infected ice. It killed one boy, made several dozen others violently ill, and it could happen to you, too.

Okay, could someone explain to me why the newscasters feel the need to constantly remind me that I am a fragile human being who could die at any given minute on any given day? It seems the whole point of this story, aside from the side benefit of informing people, is to scare me shitless. But wait, there's more:

The news nuts with too much time on their hands decided to go to various fast food places and concession stands with a hidden camera to see how the ice is handled there. Most of the employees at these places, when going to get ice for someone's drink, either dropped the scoop directly into the ice chest, or ignored the scoop completely and just dipped the cup into the ice, thus putting their hands in the ice and exposing it to countless forms of contagious disease.

They even took samples of the ice to see exactly what was in it. Besides the garden variety rotavirus and influenza, at one place they found traces of fecal matter in the ice. Yes, fecal matter. Apparently, the ice guy at that place uses his hand to wipe his ass, but for reasons unknown cannot acknowledge the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign, and a bunch of unlucky customers had to ingest trace amounts of his crap. Wonderful story to watch while you're eating dinner, eh?

As if that wasn't stupid enough, at the very end the anchor goes, "Oh, by the way, you might not be washing your hands properly. Go to our website to find out more." Apparently, there's a wrong way to wash your hands. Call me crazy, but I always thought scrubbing your hands with soap under running water was a simple concept, but apparently someone found a way to screw it up, and now the news must be spread before innocent lives are lost.

I actually went to the site, just in case I've been doing something wrong. It was a pain to find, but this is what it said: To wash hands, lather with hot water and soap for 20 seconds, rinse and dry on single-use paper towels. Apparently, I have been doing it wrong. I use cold water, and a hand towel which I often reuse. I guess I had better say my prayers tonight, as I will most likely be dead in a pool of my own vomit by morning. Well, at least I won't have to worry about contaminated ice anymore.

Goodbye, everyone. I don't want to die, but according to the team at News Channel 13, it is unavoidable. So, I hope you enjoyed reading my blog that I told you not to. God willing, I will either go to heaven, or perhaps someday be reincarnated. Here's hoping I'm taller next time around.