Friday, February 02, 2007

Open Letter to the McDonald's Corporation

To whom it may concern within the McDonald's corporation,

How y'all doin'? My reason for writing today is quite simple: I think I may have accomplished the impossible. Yes, I have thought of a way for you to make even more money. You see, I have recently discovered that, though your products have been criticized for their apparent negative health effects, they also have an effect that is healthy for the human body.

Allow me to explain. (If you are in a work environment or other public place, I would advise you to not read this out loud.) Last week, I was absent from school because of an illness. During this time, I had become, if I may attempt to say this in a relatively dignified way, irregular. I had not had a bowel movement all week. If you ask anyone who has experienced such a thing, they can tell you that it is quite a painful experience. So, naturally, I took steps to relieve this condition. I drank as much water as possible. I took some stool softeners, but they didn't seem to have any effect. At one time, I even tried the dreaded suppository, but nothing helped.

Then, when my uncle heard about my condition, he suggested that I go to McDonald's. According to him, whenever he has had constipation problems, he just eats some food from McDonald's, and it clears him right out. I thought it sounded odd, but I took his advice. Last Sunday, I ate a double cheeseburger, fries and a baked apple pie for lunch. Within 30 minutes of finishing the meal, I found myself heading for the bathroom to relieve myself. Incredible, but my uncle was 100% right. It worked like a charm.

So, that is the reason I am writing this now. I think that the seemingly magical colon-cleansing effect that your products have should not remain a secret. Your sales could get even higher if people realize that your food actually has healthy effects. The only trouble, in my mind, is how one would go about marketing such a thing. I'll leave that to your talented advertising writers. Of course, when I say 'talented', I mean that with all due sarcasm. You haven't made a tolerable television commercial in years.

This concludes my proposition. Thank you for your time, and I hope you will give this some consideration. And to anyone else who may have read this, remember this story next time you have any colon-related health issues.

Sincerely Yours,

Daniel P. Mayer, A Satisfied Customer

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