Unhappy news first: I'm not getting that job with Vicarious Visions. I didn't make the cut, and frankly I don't blame them. The proficiency test just served to prove how unproficient (inproficient?) I am. So, the search for steady employment, or employment of any kind really, continues. There will be more on that as it develops. I have hopes for another company that I'm somewhat less excited about, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Ourselves? Who are these plural selves I just referenced? It's only me here. Anyway...
For once, something wonderful is going on in my life that I'm not eager to share every detail of just yet. I'd just like to comment in general for now on the phenomenon known as "young love." Even now, it's sort of bizarre to me. There's a surreal, improbable, even unnatural feeling to all of it. Perhaps I'm tainted, or just overly cautious, but I find it hard to truly enjoy without careful examination.
For someone like me, who has only on a few occasions been involved with someone in any romantic capacity, it's hard to ignore this nagging fear: as much as I may like the person I am with in that moment, how do I know that this feeling I have isn't just a sort of relief at no longer being alone?
Really, any form of love is a good thing; I've always been an advocate of this concept. Whether it's fleeting or long-term, casual or committed, straight or gay, friend or family; it's all good.
What troubles me is the suspicion that, if there were another girl sitting by my side, her head resting on my shoulder as we hold hands, I would for the most part feel the exact same way. If this were true, it would mean that what I felt was not truly love for this one person, but for the mere idea of no longer being alone. Essentially, it would be love of the concept of loving, and of being loved.
Basically, I want to know for certain that this special person is just that. I need to believe that I haven't just been drawn to her for lack of other options. She is a terrific person; I have no doubt about that, and I certainly liked her before I had any sort of romantic or sexual thoughts about her. That's at least reassuring.
Well, as usual, I'm over-thinking things. If I think she's a great person, and want to spend more time with her, then what else is there to worry about? I really just need to relax. It would be easier if she were sitting here now. At least, I think it would be.
Actually, yes, I'm sure it would be.
So yeah, I'm worried over nothing. Still, I'm glad I at least thought about it. I can ultimately be more secure in my feelings that way. And hey, maybe someone reading this feels better as well. That would be wonderful, wouldn't it?
That's all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Just thought I should mention
My life really isn't as miserable as I portray it here sometimes. This can't be overstated: I have a great family, and some very wonderful friends. Yesterday was absurdly fun.
I'm unfortunately feeling a little sickly today, so I won't be able to adequately tell the story. For now, suffice to say that I had the pleasure of hanging out with some of the coolest people I know. Among other things, we watched a good movie, ate good food, talked about a variety of silly things, climbed a tree, and did that silly thing where you lay in the grass in a circle. It's a shame we didn't have an aerial camera; it probably looked very amusing.
Anyway, aside from that, I got some nice news today, but it's not set in stone and I'd rather not jinx myself, so I'll get into that next week sometime.
I also kind of want to use the "boobs" tag on this post, but am having a tough time coming up with a good reason for it. You'd think there would always be a reason for boobs.
So yeah, life is good. I need to take more time out to acknowledge that. Also, to climb more trees.
Peace and love, readers.
I'm unfortunately feeling a little sickly today, so I won't be able to adequately tell the story. For now, suffice to say that I had the pleasure of hanging out with some of the coolest people I know. Among other things, we watched a good movie, ate good food, talked about a variety of silly things, climbed a tree, and did that silly thing where you lay in the grass in a circle. It's a shame we didn't have an aerial camera; it probably looked very amusing.
Anyway, aside from that, I got some nice news today, but it's not set in stone and I'd rather not jinx myself, so I'll get into that next week sometime.
I also kind of want to use the "boobs" tag on this post, but am having a tough time coming up with a good reason for it. You'd think there would always be a reason for boobs.
So yeah, life is good. I need to take more time out to acknowledge that. Also, to climb more trees.
Peace and love, readers.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Just looked at my spam folder
There were some 300 unmoderated spam comments sitting in there, on pretty much every post on this blog, most from the same automated spammer account. As far as I can tell, that account has been deleted, but those comments remained.
Now, ordinarily I wouldn't lose sleep over this kind of thing, even though I actually ranted about these viral marketing idiots before. I will briefly reiterate my feelings on them: if you work at a company that relies on spam bots to market itself, you work for pathetic idiots and you are yourself a waste of human life. If I was given a choice between saving your life or the life of a mosquito, I'd choose the mosquito because, unlike you, its existence contributes to the global ecosystem in some small way.
What makes this awful is that, because of the sheer torrent of spam comments, I've never bothered to even look through them before. As a result, somebody made a legitimate comment on a post of mine a while ago, and it went unpublished until now because I never knew it existed. It was buried in piles of filth in my spam folder.
You know, I really don't want to lose faith, but when it becomes possible for a real person to be silenced by overzealous spam filters, because spammers have gotten so out of control that they pose a real threat to productivity, it really makes me feel awful for the state of humanity.
I can't state this enough: humanity prospers through community and cooperation. That is the only way. If you bother or even harm other people for your own gains, you are a blight upon all that makes the human race great. It's taken us so long just to come this far, and still selfish people will tear down all that we hold dear just to make themselves a little bit more comfortable.
Now, I realize it seems silly for me to say all that about something as common and (mostly) benign as spammers, but this is just the final straw. Spammers are only one minor nuisance, but they're part of a systemic breakdown of our most treasured values. I see the tentacles of the human Id grasping at everything and everyone I care about. Half of the time, people don't even realize what they're doing is hurting others. The other half of the time, they simply do not care. It turns my stomach, and I can't bear to shut up about it.
Anyway, I'm sorry this has been kind of a downer. Obviously I'm in a bit of a depressed state lately, what with the mostly fruitless job search, my student loan debt, and all the unrelenting stress and drama of politics. I really should just unplug for a few days; stay off the Internet, away from the TV and radio.
The one bright side is that I have real friends now who always seem to renew my faith in people. In times like these, I can't forget about them, or anyone else I care about.
Alright, that's enough of that. I'll try to find something fun to talk about next time. Peace and love, readers.
Now, ordinarily I wouldn't lose sleep over this kind of thing, even though I actually ranted about these viral marketing idiots before. I will briefly reiterate my feelings on them: if you work at a company that relies on spam bots to market itself, you work for pathetic idiots and you are yourself a waste of human life. If I was given a choice between saving your life or the life of a mosquito, I'd choose the mosquito because, unlike you, its existence contributes to the global ecosystem in some small way.
What makes this awful is that, because of the sheer torrent of spam comments, I've never bothered to even look through them before. As a result, somebody made a legitimate comment on a post of mine a while ago, and it went unpublished until now because I never knew it existed. It was buried in piles of filth in my spam folder.
You know, I really don't want to lose faith, but when it becomes possible for a real person to be silenced by overzealous spam filters, because spammers have gotten so out of control that they pose a real threat to productivity, it really makes me feel awful for the state of humanity.
I can't state this enough: humanity prospers through community and cooperation. That is the only way. If you bother or even harm other people for your own gains, you are a blight upon all that makes the human race great. It's taken us so long just to come this far, and still selfish people will tear down all that we hold dear just to make themselves a little bit more comfortable.
Now, I realize it seems silly for me to say all that about something as common and (mostly) benign as spammers, but this is just the final straw. Spammers are only one minor nuisance, but they're part of a systemic breakdown of our most treasured values. I see the tentacles of the human Id grasping at everything and everyone I care about. Half of the time, people don't even realize what they're doing is hurting others. The other half of the time, they simply do not care. It turns my stomach, and I can't bear to shut up about it.
Anyway, I'm sorry this has been kind of a downer. Obviously I'm in a bit of a depressed state lately, what with the mostly fruitless job search, my student loan debt, and all the unrelenting stress and drama of politics. I really should just unplug for a few days; stay off the Internet, away from the TV and radio.
The one bright side is that I have real friends now who always seem to renew my faith in people. In times like these, I can't forget about them, or anyone else I care about.
Alright, that's enough of that. I'll try to find something fun to talk about next time. Peace and love, readers.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Just need to rant
I just can't stay quiet on this. My brain feels like it's going to explode.
Look, sometime last week or the week before, whenever, I heard people talking about this video clip of President Obama giving a speech and saying something like, "If you own a business, you didn't build that." When I heard that, I thought, wow, I can't believe he'd say that. And I really didn't. What's more, I knew he wouldn't have actually said something like that. Do you know why? Because he's not a fucking idiot. We're just a few months short of the election. Obama wouldn't go out on the campaign trail and commit career suicide with a blatant business-bashing comment like that. Nobody is that stupid.
So, I just assumed somebody was misinterpreting his words, which is prone to happen, and I let it go. I didn't care to hear anymore. If people want to hate Obama for no other reason than he is Obama, let them go right ahead. Never mind that there are a plethora of legitimate reasons to dislike Obama. Let them draw whatever twisted conclusions they want about his character and his motivations, and let none of it be based the slightest bit in reality. It's not like their gaining a newfound respect for common sense would cause them to shift their political leanings that much.
Hell, even I'm not voting for Obama. I flat-out refuse. The guy's overall been a failure; I have no doubt about that. Some of his measures with the healthcare and stimulus helped some people, sure, but he has no way to pay for that stuff. He couldn't reach across the isle and get Congress to compromise on legislation like he promised. He didn't close Guantanamo Bay, and as far as I can tell has no immediate plans to do so, despite telling us he'd have this done years ago. He got us out of Iraq on time but entrenched us even worse in other Middle East affairs. He basically seems like he's gunning for a record for the highest ever increase in national debt. That trophy should look great alongside the one for most enemy combatants blown to bits with unmanned drone strikes, which he is also winning.
And to top it all off, he signed that damn bill that would give the government the legal ability to indefinitely detain American citizens without trial if they are suspected of terrorism. Of course, he added at the bottom that his administration would never make use of this power. Forgive me if I don't trust you at your word, Barack.
But this... what happened with this video clip from the speech, what Fox News and Mitt Romney willfully did with this clip is so wildly unethical, I can't believe nobody from Obama's campaign or the White House has filed a law suit yet for slander. I was right all along. Surprise surprise, Obama didn't actually commit career suicide. He gave a speech saying that, basically, it takes a community. Even great leaders in business have people who help them, and everyone has to rely on some things like the nation's infrastructure. Shit, even Romney agrees with that. Here's a video, if you care to watch:
So... The actual line from the speech was: "Somebody invested [in] roads and bridges; if you've got a business, that- you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen." Now, he did misspeak a bit. I assume he meant, if you've got a business, you didn't build all that, or you didn't build those. He was referring to the aforementioned roads and bridges. If you wonder why I assume that, rather than assume he was talking about the businesses, I refer you to previous statements about him not being that stupid.
Well, guess what? Romney doesn't care about what he actually said. Fox News didn't care what he actually said. They saw an opportunity to lie right to our faces, and they took it. They cut the clip; they removed the start of the sentence when he mentions roads and bridges, so the clip they showed depicted Obama saying, "If you have a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen."
Honestly, I'm not sure what to be more upset about; the fact that they did this at all, or that they knew their viewers were fucking gullible enough to believe it. It's bad enough that those fucking scumbags would stoop so low as to actually blatantly lie in such an obvious way. Did they really just think, hell, the American people are stupid. Our viewers at Fox News are definitely stupid. They'll believe what we show them here because they already hate Obama. And then they'll get more outraged, and they'll tell all their friends and family how anti-business Obama is, and they'll spread the word and disparage him more and more, all based solely on a lie.
And you know the most fucked up part of all?
It. Fucking. Worked.
My own father fell for this bullshit. He trusted the words and the hack-job video clip from Fox News, and he believed the words of the pundits and radio personalities. He added this to his laundry list of superficial bullshit to hate about Obama, all the while blindly following the narrative that Romney is a brilliant business leader who will steer the country in the right direction. I'll concede that Romney may know how to personally succeed in business, but I will never fucking vote for a man who would lie straight to my face like this.
Look, I can't say this to his face. I love my dad. He is overall a good guy, a hard worker, a loving family man, and given the option, I wouldn't trade him in for anyone. He's the best I could hope for. But dammit... he is so fucking gullible when it comes to politics. I guess he gets it from his dad; the difference there is his dad is in the bag for liberals instead of conservatives. Maybe that kind of blind political gullibility runs in my family.
...That wouldn't quite explain me, though. I guess I do take more after Mom after all. In that case, I should really be on medication or something.
Anyway, that's all I had to say on that. I hope some of my loyal readers enjoyed my dose of vulgar enlightenment, and I hope the various nuts who make their way here from Google realize that I moderate comments, and I have no intention of giving a soapbox to anyone who's looking for a shouting match. If you have something smart to say, go ahead, but I'll be watching like the scornful know-it-all that I am.
So, yeah, on a happier note, at least when Romney is president I'll get to gloat and rub it in Dad's face when the country gets screwed all to hell, just as badly as it already has been. That's assuming, of course, that the ocean hasn't swallowed our house by then.
Peace and love, dear readers. Don't forget: hate is a sin. Practice patience and forgiveness. Hopefully I'll be able to do the same.
Look, sometime last week or the week before, whenever, I heard people talking about this video clip of President Obama giving a speech and saying something like, "If you own a business, you didn't build that." When I heard that, I thought, wow, I can't believe he'd say that. And I really didn't. What's more, I knew he wouldn't have actually said something like that. Do you know why? Because he's not a fucking idiot. We're just a few months short of the election. Obama wouldn't go out on the campaign trail and commit career suicide with a blatant business-bashing comment like that. Nobody is that stupid.
So, I just assumed somebody was misinterpreting his words, which is prone to happen, and I let it go. I didn't care to hear anymore. If people want to hate Obama for no other reason than he is Obama, let them go right ahead. Never mind that there are a plethora of legitimate reasons to dislike Obama. Let them draw whatever twisted conclusions they want about his character and his motivations, and let none of it be based the slightest bit in reality. It's not like their gaining a newfound respect for common sense would cause them to shift their political leanings that much.
Hell, even I'm not voting for Obama. I flat-out refuse. The guy's overall been a failure; I have no doubt about that. Some of his measures with the healthcare and stimulus helped some people, sure, but he has no way to pay for that stuff. He couldn't reach across the isle and get Congress to compromise on legislation like he promised. He didn't close Guantanamo Bay, and as far as I can tell has no immediate plans to do so, despite telling us he'd have this done years ago. He got us out of Iraq on time but entrenched us even worse in other Middle East affairs. He basically seems like he's gunning for a record for the highest ever increase in national debt. That trophy should look great alongside the one for most enemy combatants blown to bits with unmanned drone strikes, which he is also winning.
And to top it all off, he signed that damn bill that would give the government the legal ability to indefinitely detain American citizens without trial if they are suspected of terrorism. Of course, he added at the bottom that his administration would never make use of this power. Forgive me if I don't trust you at your word, Barack.
But this... what happened with this video clip from the speech, what Fox News and Mitt Romney willfully did with this clip is so wildly unethical, I can't believe nobody from Obama's campaign or the White House has filed a law suit yet for slander. I was right all along. Surprise surprise, Obama didn't actually commit career suicide. He gave a speech saying that, basically, it takes a community. Even great leaders in business have people who help them, and everyone has to rely on some things like the nation's infrastructure. Shit, even Romney agrees with that. Here's a video, if you care to watch:
So... The actual line from the speech was: "Somebody invested [in] roads and bridges; if you've got a business, that- you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen." Now, he did misspeak a bit. I assume he meant, if you've got a business, you didn't build all that, or you didn't build those. He was referring to the aforementioned roads and bridges. If you wonder why I assume that, rather than assume he was talking about the businesses, I refer you to previous statements about him not being that stupid.
Well, guess what? Romney doesn't care about what he actually said. Fox News didn't care what he actually said. They saw an opportunity to lie right to our faces, and they took it. They cut the clip; they removed the start of the sentence when he mentions roads and bridges, so the clip they showed depicted Obama saying, "If you have a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen."
Honestly, I'm not sure what to be more upset about; the fact that they did this at all, or that they knew their viewers were fucking gullible enough to believe it. It's bad enough that those fucking scumbags would stoop so low as to actually blatantly lie in such an obvious way. Did they really just think, hell, the American people are stupid. Our viewers at Fox News are definitely stupid. They'll believe what we show them here because they already hate Obama. And then they'll get more outraged, and they'll tell all their friends and family how anti-business Obama is, and they'll spread the word and disparage him more and more, all based solely on a lie.
And you know the most fucked up part of all?
It. Fucking. Worked.
My own father fell for this bullshit. He trusted the words and the hack-job video clip from Fox News, and he believed the words of the pundits and radio personalities. He added this to his laundry list of superficial bullshit to hate about Obama, all the while blindly following the narrative that Romney is a brilliant business leader who will steer the country in the right direction. I'll concede that Romney may know how to personally succeed in business, but I will never fucking vote for a man who would lie straight to my face like this.
Look, I can't say this to his face. I love my dad. He is overall a good guy, a hard worker, a loving family man, and given the option, I wouldn't trade him in for anyone. He's the best I could hope for. But dammit... he is so fucking gullible when it comes to politics. I guess he gets it from his dad; the difference there is his dad is in the bag for liberals instead of conservatives. Maybe that kind of blind political gullibility runs in my family.
...That wouldn't quite explain me, though. I guess I do take more after Mom after all. In that case, I should really be on medication or something.
Anyway, that's all I had to say on that. I hope some of my loyal readers enjoyed my dose of vulgar enlightenment, and I hope the various nuts who make their way here from Google realize that I moderate comments, and I have no intention of giving a soapbox to anyone who's looking for a shouting match. If you have something smart to say, go ahead, but I'll be watching like the scornful know-it-all that I am.
So, yeah, on a happier note, at least when Romney is president I'll get to gloat and rub it in Dad's face when the country gets screwed all to hell, just as badly as it already has been. That's assuming, of course, that the ocean hasn't swallowed our house by then.
Peace and love, dear readers. Don't forget: hate is a sin. Practice patience and forgiveness. Hopefully I'll be able to do the same.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Dreams: Something precious
I just remembered a strange dream I had the other night. I figured it was worth reviving my dream research, but given how scarce these dream journal posts are, I figured I'll just merge them into this blog from now on. So...
I dreamed that I had found the tiniest, cutest white kitten you could ever possibly imagine. It was no bigger than a baby mouse, but fully developed (eyes open, walking on its own, and so on). This was happening at my house, apparently. I held the tiny kitten in my palm and admired it for a while. Suddenly, random huge animals seemed to be attacking from all around; bears, dogs, and I'm not sure what else. I went outside and starting running, all the while cradling the tiny kitten, trying to protect it, but somehow it slipped out of my hands. A huge dog ran to the place where I thought I had dropped it, but the dog kept running. I ran back to that spot, and on the ground, where I was sure the kitten had landed, there was a small, hairless, wrinkly, bloated creature. It looked like a fetus. It wasn't all gory or anything, just shriveled and hairless, lying in the fetal position. I knew it was dead before I even picked it up.
This kind of haunted me afterward. The dream was at least partially lucid. I had enough presence of mind to do the little walking-through-walls thing I do in lucid dreams a lot. When the dog ran toward the fallen kitten, I think I sort of willed it to keep on running without stopping, since that's what I was thinking. This is kind of just speculation, though. Also, I obviously did not choose the ending to that encounter.
The thing that haunts me about this dream is, I believe it says something about the way I think about the things (and perhaps people) that are precious to me. It's like that tiny dead fetus was saying to me, no matter what you do or where you go, the thing you care about most will slip from your grasp and disappear. It's... not a kind message from my subconscious.
Anyway, it's all still open to interpretation, I guess. I just hate to think this is how things turn out in my dreams, where I'm supposed to have all the control. Maybe it says something else that I'm not thinking of. If anybody has a theory on that, I'm happy to hear it. These dream posts are meant to be discussed, after all.
I dreamed that I had found the tiniest, cutest white kitten you could ever possibly imagine. It was no bigger than a baby mouse, but fully developed (eyes open, walking on its own, and so on). This was happening at my house, apparently. I held the tiny kitten in my palm and admired it for a while. Suddenly, random huge animals seemed to be attacking from all around; bears, dogs, and I'm not sure what else. I went outside and starting running, all the while cradling the tiny kitten, trying to protect it, but somehow it slipped out of my hands. A huge dog ran to the place where I thought I had dropped it, but the dog kept running. I ran back to that spot, and on the ground, where I was sure the kitten had landed, there was a small, hairless, wrinkly, bloated creature. It looked like a fetus. It wasn't all gory or anything, just shriveled and hairless, lying in the fetal position. I knew it was dead before I even picked it up.
This kind of haunted me afterward. The dream was at least partially lucid. I had enough presence of mind to do the little walking-through-walls thing I do in lucid dreams a lot. When the dog ran toward the fallen kitten, I think I sort of willed it to keep on running without stopping, since that's what I was thinking. This is kind of just speculation, though. Also, I obviously did not choose the ending to that encounter.
The thing that haunts me about this dream is, I believe it says something about the way I think about the things (and perhaps people) that are precious to me. It's like that tiny dead fetus was saying to me, no matter what you do or where you go, the thing you care about most will slip from your grasp and disappear. It's... not a kind message from my subconscious.
Anyway, it's all still open to interpretation, I guess. I just hate to think this is how things turn out in my dreams, where I'm supposed to have all the control. Maybe it says something else that I'm not thinking of. If anybody has a theory on that, I'm happy to hear it. These dream posts are meant to be discussed, after all.
Just going to repost this
It's more relevant here anyway.
Hmm, so, the blog post with the most individual page views is one about opening up and sharing my personal feelings. The second most viewed is titled "I just accidentally electrocuted myself." I think I learned something about my readership tonight.
Also, a bit of brevity would probably go a long way here. I could update more frequently if I didn't write an entire diatribe each time. Hell, I could update even more frequently if I just remembered to do so. It's not as though I ever run out of thoughts.
More to come soon, I guess. Peace and love, reader-folk.
Hmm, so, the blog post with the most individual page views is one about opening up and sharing my personal feelings. The second most viewed is titled "I just accidentally electrocuted myself." I think I learned something about my readership tonight.
Also, a bit of brevity would probably go a long way here. I could update more frequently if I didn't write an entire diatribe each time. Hell, I could update even more frequently if I just remembered to do so. It's not as though I ever run out of thoughts.
More to come soon, I guess. Peace and love, reader-folk.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Just felt like opening up
I guess I'll go ahead and say this. If the person I'm talking about happens to read it, it'll at least save me some time.
There is somebody in my life I'm interested in getting closer to, but I have been holding back out of doubt. I'm convinced already that she's a great person and I'm a lucky guy for even knowing her. The concern is the same as always: I think I'm going to screw it up somehow. Intimacy is something I'm not good at, and even when I can briefly succeed at it, having a real relationship with somebody often entails them being able to count on you. Although I'm far from being impartial when it comes to judging the quality of my character, I'll be the first to tell you I'm a reasonably smart, funny guy who has the best of intentions and a lot of love to give. The main issue is that I'm utterly unreliable. I might come through when I'm needed sometimes, but if I have a relapse of depression... well, then I'm useless.
Aside from that, there are the plans I had been making for my future. Although nothing specific is lined up now, it has been my intention for a while now to get as far away from here as possible. As much as I love my family, I'd much rather be temporarily miserable and independent than complacently comfortable at home. At the very least, I should be finding a place that will be good for my career(s). The main thing holding me back from that now is that I would be leaving friends behind.
Most of my life, friendships have been things that were hastily formed when they were convenient. I tried to befriend people who were close by, and if they drifted away, or more likely I drifted away, I didn't try to stop it from happening. That's fairly normal to some extent, but I don't want to be that way. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be, but I still have some difficulty talking to people, especially new people. It's horribly intimidating, and for all the gorgeous linguistic skill I display for you, my dear readers, on this blog and elsewhere, I'm still hopelessly awkward in person.
Even more than that, though, the thought of losing touch with people I cared for simply hurts me to think about. It tears me up inside, yet I keep letting it happen. It's stupid, but this is part of the reason I don't like to ask out girls I'm interested in. Even if I manage to say the all right things for a while, eventually I'm going to screw up. I'm going to let myself slip into apathy and neglect them. Worse yet, I might tell them what I really think about them, which depending on how well I know them could either be the single kindest or cruelest thing I could ever do to them. I feel like I can't get close to the people I care about because I think I'm just too destructive to be trusted around them. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but... well, I can't help but see a pattern in my brief history on Earth.
I must sound like such a whiny dork by now. Well, my point, if I had one, is that I seem to be more comfortable when the girl makes the first move. It's tricky even then, but at least I can have some assurance that they not only like me so far, but were willing to go out on a limb to get closer to me. It's silly, I know. I'm a decent enough guy, with a good life, and great family and friends. I shouldn't be so damn insecure. The very fact that I worry this much about hurting the people I love puts me head-and-shoulders above some people I've met. I guess I'm just too impartially paranoid for my own good.
Anyway, I might as well say this while I have some tiny iota of manly confidence stored up:
Jess, if you're reading this, I was talking about you. I'm not about to ask you on a date, because the very idea of formal dating makes me roll my eyes. I'm not suggesting a huge step up in our relationship either; I love to take things slow. All I want right now is to see more of you. Take that how you will.
Alright, that wasn't so bad. Now, if I can just find the balls to actually send that message straight to her. Hmm... maybe next time.
Thanks for putting up with my awkwardness. Peace and love, dear readers.
There is somebody in my life I'm interested in getting closer to, but I have been holding back out of doubt. I'm convinced already that she's a great person and I'm a lucky guy for even knowing her. The concern is the same as always: I think I'm going to screw it up somehow. Intimacy is something I'm not good at, and even when I can briefly succeed at it, having a real relationship with somebody often entails them being able to count on you. Although I'm far from being impartial when it comes to judging the quality of my character, I'll be the first to tell you I'm a reasonably smart, funny guy who has the best of intentions and a lot of love to give. The main issue is that I'm utterly unreliable. I might come through when I'm needed sometimes, but if I have a relapse of depression... well, then I'm useless.
Aside from that, there are the plans I had been making for my future. Although nothing specific is lined up now, it has been my intention for a while now to get as far away from here as possible. As much as I love my family, I'd much rather be temporarily miserable and independent than complacently comfortable at home. At the very least, I should be finding a place that will be good for my career(s). The main thing holding me back from that now is that I would be leaving friends behind.
Most of my life, friendships have been things that were hastily formed when they were convenient. I tried to befriend people who were close by, and if they drifted away, or more likely I drifted away, I didn't try to stop it from happening. That's fairly normal to some extent, but I don't want to be that way. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be, but I still have some difficulty talking to people, especially new people. It's horribly intimidating, and for all the gorgeous linguistic skill I display for you, my dear readers, on this blog and elsewhere, I'm still hopelessly awkward in person.
Even more than that, though, the thought of losing touch with people I cared for simply hurts me to think about. It tears me up inside, yet I keep letting it happen. It's stupid, but this is part of the reason I don't like to ask out girls I'm interested in. Even if I manage to say the all right things for a while, eventually I'm going to screw up. I'm going to let myself slip into apathy and neglect them. Worse yet, I might tell them what I really think about them, which depending on how well I know them could either be the single kindest or cruelest thing I could ever do to them. I feel like I can't get close to the people I care about because I think I'm just too destructive to be trusted around them. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but... well, I can't help but see a pattern in my brief history on Earth.
I must sound like such a whiny dork by now. Well, my point, if I had one, is that I seem to be more comfortable when the girl makes the first move. It's tricky even then, but at least I can have some assurance that they not only like me so far, but were willing to go out on a limb to get closer to me. It's silly, I know. I'm a decent enough guy, with a good life, and great family and friends. I shouldn't be so damn insecure. The very fact that I worry this much about hurting the people I love puts me head-and-shoulders above some people I've met. I guess I'm just too impartially paranoid for my own good.
Anyway, I might as well say this while I have some tiny iota of manly confidence stored up:
Jess, if you're reading this, I was talking about you. I'm not about to ask you on a date, because the very idea of formal dating makes me roll my eyes. I'm not suggesting a huge step up in our relationship either; I love to take things slow. All I want right now is to see more of you. Take that how you will.
Alright, that wasn't so bad. Now, if I can just find the balls to actually send that message straight to her. Hmm... maybe next time.
Thanks for putting up with my awkwardness. Peace and love, dear readers.
Just having some sexy thoughts
Not sure what fired my brain up tonight, but I have two posts for you. Here is the first.
It occurs to me that the values we as a society hold dear are not being communicated very effectively. They always seem to be present in children's entertainment, and we (usually) tell our kids how they should behave. It'd be better if we showed them how, but that's beside the point.
Despite our best efforts, we have an apparent culture of vices that permeates virtually every part of our world. Whether it's advertising, movies and television, music, magazines and news outlets, or even the actions of the people in our lives, there is always a constant message going directly in opposition to the things we're supposed to hold dear. There are too many elements of this to count, so I'll focus on this for now:
Sex.
A lot of people treat sexuality like it's some kind of taboo, and when popular music, movies, television and more seem to flaunt the most disgusting and simplistic views of sexuality, the most absurd of measures are taken to counteract them. For example, some people would rather teach abstinence-only sex education in schools than have an open and healthy dialogue about sex and relationships with their kids. Frankly, I'm disgusted by people on all sides. Because sex is a cultural taboo, it becomes simultaneously something not to be discussed in polite company, and something to be indulged in with reckless depravity while nobody is looking. These are both twisted views on sex and should not be spread any further.
I just think that if we as a culture could approach the topic of sexuality with a bit more intelligence and tact, it wouldn't be such a problem. As long as you leave some of the biological specifics out, it should be acceptable to discuss the nature of adult relationships in polite company, even with children present. You should be able to talk about making love to your wife when your child is in the room; just leave out the bit where she doesn't like to go down on you because your penis smells like the toilet at a Denny's.
Sex is both a way to procreate and a medium through which two people can express their love for one another. It's far more than just a primal urge that immoral people indulge in to make themselves feel good, and that's a message our teenagers deserve to hear. For that matter, they deserve to know about the existence of differing sexuality and orientations, diseases, and contraception options.
Some adults in this country seem to think teens will have less sex if they know less about it, and that's idiotic. Our youth get a lot of bad messages about sex from music, tv, and so on. The way to combat that is not censorship; the way to combat it is to tell them the truth about sex and remind them of the values we've been trying to teach them their whole lives. You know, compassion, restraint, accountability, thinking of others as well as yourself, planning for the future. You are teaching your kids those things, right? I mean, why the hell else do you have kids?
Anyway, that's all I'll say on that for now. Peace and love, reader-folk.
It occurs to me that the values we as a society hold dear are not being communicated very effectively. They always seem to be present in children's entertainment, and we (usually) tell our kids how they should behave. It'd be better if we showed them how, but that's beside the point.
Despite our best efforts, we have an apparent culture of vices that permeates virtually every part of our world. Whether it's advertising, movies and television, music, magazines and news outlets, or even the actions of the people in our lives, there is always a constant message going directly in opposition to the things we're supposed to hold dear. There are too many elements of this to count, so I'll focus on this for now:
Sex.
A lot of people treat sexuality like it's some kind of taboo, and when popular music, movies, television and more seem to flaunt the most disgusting and simplistic views of sexuality, the most absurd of measures are taken to counteract them. For example, some people would rather teach abstinence-only sex education in schools than have an open and healthy dialogue about sex and relationships with their kids. Frankly, I'm disgusted by people on all sides. Because sex is a cultural taboo, it becomes simultaneously something not to be discussed in polite company, and something to be indulged in with reckless depravity while nobody is looking. These are both twisted views on sex and should not be spread any further.
I just think that if we as a culture could approach the topic of sexuality with a bit more intelligence and tact, it wouldn't be such a problem. As long as you leave some of the biological specifics out, it should be acceptable to discuss the nature of adult relationships in polite company, even with children present. You should be able to talk about making love to your wife when your child is in the room; just leave out the bit where she doesn't like to go down on you because your penis smells like the toilet at a Denny's.
Sex is both a way to procreate and a medium through which two people can express their love for one another. It's far more than just a primal urge that immoral people indulge in to make themselves feel good, and that's a message our teenagers deserve to hear. For that matter, they deserve to know about the existence of differing sexuality and orientations, diseases, and contraception options.
Some adults in this country seem to think teens will have less sex if they know less about it, and that's idiotic. Our youth get a lot of bad messages about sex from music, tv, and so on. The way to combat that is not censorship; the way to combat it is to tell them the truth about sex and remind them of the values we've been trying to teach them their whole lives. You know, compassion, restraint, accountability, thinking of others as well as yourself, planning for the future. You are teaching your kids those things, right? I mean, why the hell else do you have kids?
Anyway, that's all I'll say on that for now. Peace and love, reader-folk.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Just got my degree and shot some aliens
The two events in the title are unrelated.
I'm wondering, would it be a bad idea to list this as my personal website in a professional portfolio? I have a feeling some potential employers wouldn't appreciate some of the things contained here.
Oh, before I forget, I might as well announce it here: I (semi)officially completed my studies at SUNY Institute of Technology this past May. I received an A on my thesis/capstone project, and unless something awful arises in the office, I will be getting my diploma in the mail sometime in July. I have earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer and Information Science, which is easily the most respectable-sounding piece of paper I've ever owned.
So, the job search has commenced. I'm signed up online for various job hunting services and trying to keep an eye out for great opportunities. Naturally, my mom still highlights stuff she's seen in the newspaper and leaves them for me to find, because that's how her generation does things. She's very hopeful and proud of me. Apparently I'm the first person in our family to get a BS. My mom only has an Associate's, and my dad didn't go to college. Makes me wonder sometimes how they managed to have a combined gross annual income over $100,000. It always sounds like a lot to me, but you know, taxes and all drain that quickly.
Also, I have a feeling my productivity in job hunting will be slightly hurt by the fact that I've just started Mass Effect 2 (and have purchased the third installment). I'm pretty hooked to this thing so far. I don't play video games like that daily, but once the game console is turned on, I have a difficult time turning it off. Anyway, a lot of Mass Effect jokes suddenly make sense to me, and I've decided that if Garrus and Kasumi Goto were able to conceive a child, it would be the most phenomenally amazing, charming, and lethal bad-ass in the history of fiction. Or maybe it'd grow up to be an accountant. There's no telling with kids.
Also again, I'm typing this at 4am. I started living in the daylight like a normal person for a while there, but apparently my circadian just has no rhythm, because here I am in the wee hours again. I might pull and all-nighter and try to reset my internal clock again. Hell, it worked once this year.
That's all for now. Peace and love, readers. Speak softly, but carry a big Arc Projector.
I'm wondering, would it be a bad idea to list this as my personal website in a professional portfolio? I have a feeling some potential employers wouldn't appreciate some of the things contained here.
Oh, before I forget, I might as well announce it here: I (semi)officially completed my studies at SUNY Institute of Technology this past May. I received an A on my thesis/capstone project, and unless something awful arises in the office, I will be getting my diploma in the mail sometime in July. I have earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer and Information Science, which is easily the most respectable-sounding piece of paper I've ever owned.
So, the job search has commenced. I'm signed up online for various job hunting services and trying to keep an eye out for great opportunities. Naturally, my mom still highlights stuff she's seen in the newspaper and leaves them for me to find, because that's how her generation does things. She's very hopeful and proud of me. Apparently I'm the first person in our family to get a BS. My mom only has an Associate's, and my dad didn't go to college. Makes me wonder sometimes how they managed to have a combined gross annual income over $100,000. It always sounds like a lot to me, but you know, taxes and all drain that quickly.
Also, I have a feeling my productivity in job hunting will be slightly hurt by the fact that I've just started Mass Effect 2 (and have purchased the third installment). I'm pretty hooked to this thing so far. I don't play video games like that daily, but once the game console is turned on, I have a difficult time turning it off. Anyway, a lot of Mass Effect jokes suddenly make sense to me, and I've decided that if Garrus and Kasumi Goto were able to conceive a child, it would be the most phenomenally amazing, charming, and lethal bad-ass in the history of fiction. Or maybe it'd grow up to be an accountant. There's no telling with kids.
Also again, I'm typing this at 4am. I started living in the daylight like a normal person for a while there, but apparently my circadian just has no rhythm, because here I am in the wee hours again. I might pull and all-nighter and try to reset my internal clock again. Hell, it worked once this year.
That's all for now. Peace and love, readers. Speak softly, but carry a big Arc Projector.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Just shouting at deaf ears
Have you read this yet? Here's the gist:
(CNN) -- A gay teenager who pulled a stun gun on students he said bullied him has been expelled from his Indianapolis high school until January.
I was about to share this on Facebook, thinking the story could stand some more attention, but... fuck it. One more snarky comment from me isn't going to suddenly make things better. Now, I had a whole angry rant here about how public schools are full of shit, but that's really not the point I hope to make, so in the interest of being informative rather than just blowing off steam, I'm going to scale it back a little. So, let me just get a few thoughts about this specific story out first, and then we'll get to the heart of the matter.
The environment in our schools molds our children, and their low standards of education and care are clearly setting up our entire country to fail, but hey, who has the time and resources to solve that problem, right? Better to just make an example of the kid with the taser so they can keep up appearances without actually making their schools any safer.
"The district does not condone bullying," she said. "Students who violate the rights of others through bullying behaviors are held accountable."
Really? I wonder, how many bullies have been expelled? My guess is few or none. Seems like disproportionate punishment to me. Oh, but the student with the weapon has to be expelled, because obviously that weapon was making students feel unsafe in their school. By that logic, the bullies should've been expelled as well, but hey, that makes too much sense.
By the way, what kind of spokesperson actually has to say "we do not condone bullying"? I never once suspected they did, until they said that. Nobody (publicly) condones the practice of bullying, so when you make a point of saying that you don't condone it, it's overcompensating. I actually suspect worse things about this school because they went out of their way to say that.
Students take part in anti-bullying programs from kindergarten through 12th grade, district spokeswoman Mary Louise Bewley said. The district also offers Gay Straight Alliance groups on multiple campuses, including Arsenal Technical High School, where Young attended, Bewley said.
Yeah? How well is that working out for you? A gay student brought a taser to school because, in his own words, "I wasn't safe." Tell me, if a student is being pushed around and physically threatened by other students, what does your little alliance group do about that? How did this situation escalate so far before the school stepped in?
Look, it doesn't take a brilliant person to see the problem here. These punishments are clearly reactive in nature, not proactive. They claim they have anti-bullying programs, but have these programs improved the social atmosphere in schools? Obviously not. I don't know, maybe if kids respected your staff at all, they'd listen to what they had to say in these programs, but my guess is they don't.
Okay, ready? Heart of the matter time:
You know what would go a long way toward ending bullying in schools? Showing the kids, through our actions, that judging somebody because they're different is completely unacceptable and utterly un-American.
How do we do that? Well, off the top of my head... Legalize gay marriage. Stop cultivating a culture where gays are considered aberrant and a danger to our way of life. When prejudice and hatred dictate policy in our government, it teaches our kids far more than any cheap public school workshop will.
Kids bully because we've taught them to do so; we show them that's how the world works. Look at our politics; look at our wars; look at our reality tv; look at cable news. We've taught them that aggression, drama and violence are the tools for success. Are we really this fucking stupid?
Well, for once, I'm going to call on you, the person reading my frustrated diatribe, to take action. Even if you don't share this actual post, share the idea. Make other people connect the dots. We can't publicly say we're against bullying while our actions send the opposite message. Actions speak louder than words; we've all heard this. Isn't it high time we lived that creed? Shouldn't we practice what we preach? Or are we going to continue letting fear, misinformation and hatred tear our culture apart?
Stop telling our kids how to act and then wondering what went wrong. Be a fucking role model.
That's all I needed to say for now. Peace and love, all you happy people.
(CNN) -- A gay teenager who pulled a stun gun on students he said bullied him has been expelled from his Indianapolis high school until January.
"While the district does
not condone bullying, it also does not allow weapons to be brought on
our school campuses for any reason," a spokeswoman for Indianapolis
Public Schools said Tuesday. "Students who violate this rule will be
held accountable."
I was about to share this on Facebook, thinking the story could stand some more attention, but... fuck it. One more snarky comment from me isn't going to suddenly make things better. Now, I had a whole angry rant here about how public schools are full of shit, but that's really not the point I hope to make, so in the interest of being informative rather than just blowing off steam, I'm going to scale it back a little. So, let me just get a few thoughts about this specific story out first, and then we'll get to the heart of the matter.
The environment in our schools molds our children, and their low standards of education and care are clearly setting up our entire country to fail, but hey, who has the time and resources to solve that problem, right? Better to just make an example of the kid with the taser so they can keep up appearances without actually making their schools any safer.
"The district does not condone bullying," she said. "Students who violate the rights of others through bullying behaviors are held accountable."
Really? I wonder, how many bullies have been expelled? My guess is few or none. Seems like disproportionate punishment to me. Oh, but the student with the weapon has to be expelled, because obviously that weapon was making students feel unsafe in their school. By that logic, the bullies should've been expelled as well, but hey, that makes too much sense.
By the way, what kind of spokesperson actually has to say "we do not condone bullying"? I never once suspected they did, until they said that. Nobody (publicly) condones the practice of bullying, so when you make a point of saying that you don't condone it, it's overcompensating. I actually suspect worse things about this school because they went out of their way to say that.
Students take part in anti-bullying programs from kindergarten through 12th grade, district spokeswoman Mary Louise Bewley said. The district also offers Gay Straight Alliance groups on multiple campuses, including Arsenal Technical High School, where Young attended, Bewley said.
Yeah? How well is that working out for you? A gay student brought a taser to school because, in his own words, "I wasn't safe." Tell me, if a student is being pushed around and physically threatened by other students, what does your little alliance group do about that? How did this situation escalate so far before the school stepped in?
Look, it doesn't take a brilliant person to see the problem here. These punishments are clearly reactive in nature, not proactive. They claim they have anti-bullying programs, but have these programs improved the social atmosphere in schools? Obviously not. I don't know, maybe if kids respected your staff at all, they'd listen to what they had to say in these programs, but my guess is they don't.
Okay, ready? Heart of the matter time:
You know what would go a long way toward ending bullying in schools? Showing the kids, through our actions, that judging somebody because they're different is completely unacceptable and utterly un-American.
How do we do that? Well, off the top of my head... Legalize gay marriage. Stop cultivating a culture where gays are considered aberrant and a danger to our way of life. When prejudice and hatred dictate policy in our government, it teaches our kids far more than any cheap public school workshop will.
Kids bully because we've taught them to do so; we show them that's how the world works. Look at our politics; look at our wars; look at our reality tv; look at cable news. We've taught them that aggression, drama and violence are the tools for success. Are we really this fucking stupid?
Well, for once, I'm going to call on you, the person reading my frustrated diatribe, to take action. Even if you don't share this actual post, share the idea. Make other people connect the dots. We can't publicly say we're against bullying while our actions send the opposite message. Actions speak louder than words; we've all heard this. Isn't it high time we lived that creed? Shouldn't we practice what we preach? Or are we going to continue letting fear, misinformation and hatred tear our culture apart?
Stop telling our kids how to act and then wondering what went wrong. Be a fucking role model.
That's all I needed to say for now. Peace and love, all you happy people.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Just checked Hubpages again
So, I got another accolade on Hubpages. This time, it says that I got the Engaging Writer accolade, which means that most people who read my articles stay on the page and read it all the way to the end. I still get a fairly steady stream of new comments to moderate as well; roughly two per week. You know what's noteworthy about this?
I haven't written an article for Hubpages in over a year and a half. The old stuff isn't exactly advertised by me. Hell, some of those opinion pieces are on opinions I don't really hold anymore (the ones about God and spirituality, mostly). And yet, those articles see more traffic than this blog. It's enough to make me think I should take writing my opinions a little more seriously again. I might actually make a little money.
It's worth noting, though, that I'm getting a little more mean-spirited online of late. I'm polite and courteous to people whom I think deserve it, but most of my writing now (which is just comments on Internet forums) is of a darker demeanor. Maybe that's just my persona there. Maybe I'm actually becoming more pessimistic, more spiteful. Then again, maybe I just see things as they are and don't like to mince words. For example:
Hubpages is a cesspool of humanity. That's why I left. There are intelligent people writing for the site, but they don't account for more than 30% of the total userbase. Go look at the answers section or recently published sometime. For every useful or interesting article (I still refuse to call them "hubs" because that's moronic), there are two or three articles that have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The answers are worse; people state their sick, deluded opinions as if they are infallible, and that's just the ones who can actually fucking speak English.
Such is my displeasure with the world. I dislike being reclusive, but whenever I pay attention to other people, I inevitably am introduced to somebody who, if they stood in front of me and said the things they say online, I would be forced to violently choke them to death purely out of a sense of cosmic justice. "Do not suffer a selfish, dangerous prick to live." That is my belief. I don't know for sure that I would have the resolve to kill a person if it came to that, but I've interacted with quite a few people that would have a good chance of pushing me to that. I realize and accept that the world is full of people with all different opinions and cultures, but there are some people that, in my mind, are simply detrimental to the rest of society.
If they can't be killed, minimally, they should have their proverbial soap boxes taken away. We in the US enjoy the right of freedom of speech; that doesn't entitle you to force your twisted views upon others. Show a little respect for others for once. The world doesn't revolve around your stupid inflated heads.
Sorry, I'm done ranting for now. I hope I sort of made my point, though. My disdain, while I think it's justified, is not entirely productive, and doesn't always warrant sharing with others. I am trying to cheer up and be nicer, I promise.
Anyway, that's it. Peace and love, my dear readers. Keep your minds and hearts open.
I haven't written an article for Hubpages in over a year and a half. The old stuff isn't exactly advertised by me. Hell, some of those opinion pieces are on opinions I don't really hold anymore (the ones about God and spirituality, mostly). And yet, those articles see more traffic than this blog. It's enough to make me think I should take writing my opinions a little more seriously again. I might actually make a little money.
It's worth noting, though, that I'm getting a little more mean-spirited online of late. I'm polite and courteous to people whom I think deserve it, but most of my writing now (which is just comments on Internet forums) is of a darker demeanor. Maybe that's just my persona there. Maybe I'm actually becoming more pessimistic, more spiteful. Then again, maybe I just see things as they are and don't like to mince words. For example:
Hubpages is a cesspool of humanity. That's why I left. There are intelligent people writing for the site, but they don't account for more than 30% of the total userbase. Go look at the answers section or recently published sometime. For every useful or interesting article (I still refuse to call them "hubs" because that's moronic), there are two or three articles that have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The answers are worse; people state their sick, deluded opinions as if they are infallible, and that's just the ones who can actually fucking speak English.
Such is my displeasure with the world. I dislike being reclusive, but whenever I pay attention to other people, I inevitably am introduced to somebody who, if they stood in front of me and said the things they say online, I would be forced to violently choke them to death purely out of a sense of cosmic justice. "Do not suffer a selfish, dangerous prick to live." That is my belief. I don't know for sure that I would have the resolve to kill a person if it came to that, but I've interacted with quite a few people that would have a good chance of pushing me to that. I realize and accept that the world is full of people with all different opinions and cultures, but there are some people that, in my mind, are simply detrimental to the rest of society.
If they can't be killed, minimally, they should have their proverbial soap boxes taken away. We in the US enjoy the right of freedom of speech; that doesn't entitle you to force your twisted views upon others. Show a little respect for others for once. The world doesn't revolve around your stupid inflated heads.
Sorry, I'm done ranting for now. I hope I sort of made my point, though. My disdain, while I think it's justified, is not entirely productive, and doesn't always warrant sharing with others. I am trying to cheer up and be nicer, I promise.
Anyway, that's it. Peace and love, my dear readers. Keep your minds and hearts open.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Just letting words fall out of my head
I have a headache, so I probably shouldn't be thinking so hard. For once in my life, I should try to get to bed early tonight. Knowing me, I'll instead be up at all hours discussing inane crap with people on forums, watching stupid videos, playing games, or doing things I shouldn't talk about it polite company.
Most of those things involve looking at porn.
On the bright side, the whole writers' group thing is going pretty well. I don't know how many weeks we have left, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm debating introducing them to my whole comic story idea thing. I've barely talked about it here, and for good reason. It's basically the product of me lying awake at night thinking, "How much absurd, ridiculous stuff can I pack into a single science-fiction/fantasy storyline and still make it vaguely coherent? Is it possible to write a piece of fiction so convoluted and full of parodies, homages, references, memes and literary devices that its TV-Tropes article would be longer than the piece itself?"
Seriously, its a little horrifying. It's been in the works for over 5 years now and just keeps getting bigger and more outrageous. It's gotten to the point that I'm now thinking maybe the comic still isn't meta enough, so I'm making plans to write a comic about the comic. It's only a matter of time before I start writing a comic about that comic, too. Not much drawing has gotten done, as you can imagine.
In other news: The Binding of Isaac. I finally bought the game and played it a bit. I'm not in love with it yet, but it definitely has a lot to offer. Aside from that, it's nice to be reminded that a deeply disturbing and awful game premise can't detract from great game mechanics. Of course, for sickos like me, the murderous and blasphemous aesthetic is a selling point. The same goes for the difficulty level. Clearly, this one's not for everybody, so I really want to get at least one ending, just so I can feel like I'm part of some exclusive secret society of gamers. You think they have cool cultist-looking robes, or a secret handshake, or get to attend a special banquet with the Prime Minister of Russia and the Illuminati on the top floor of that giant hotel in Dubai?
Alright, that's enough of this silliness. Peace and love, readers.
Most of those things involve looking at porn.
On the bright side, the whole writers' group thing is going pretty well. I don't know how many weeks we have left, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm debating introducing them to my whole comic story idea thing. I've barely talked about it here, and for good reason. It's basically the product of me lying awake at night thinking, "How much absurd, ridiculous stuff can I pack into a single science-fiction/fantasy storyline and still make it vaguely coherent? Is it possible to write a piece of fiction so convoluted and full of parodies, homages, references, memes and literary devices that its TV-Tropes article would be longer than the piece itself?"
Seriously, its a little horrifying. It's been in the works for over 5 years now and just keeps getting bigger and more outrageous. It's gotten to the point that I'm now thinking maybe the comic still isn't meta enough, so I'm making plans to write a comic about the comic. It's only a matter of time before I start writing a comic about that comic, too. Not much drawing has gotten done, as you can imagine.
In other news: The Binding of Isaac. I finally bought the game and played it a bit. I'm not in love with it yet, but it definitely has a lot to offer. Aside from that, it's nice to be reminded that a deeply disturbing and awful game premise can't detract from great game mechanics. Of course, for sickos like me, the murderous and blasphemous aesthetic is a selling point. The same goes for the difficulty level. Clearly, this one's not for everybody, so I really want to get at least one ending, just so I can feel like I'm part of some exclusive secret society of gamers. You think they have cool cultist-looking robes, or a secret handshake, or get to attend a special banquet with the Prime Minister of Russia and the Illuminati on the top floor of that giant hotel in Dubai?
Alright, that's enough of this silliness. Peace and love, readers.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Just had to make sure it's Wednesday
I've been getting a lot less sure lately about what day of the week it is, and when I remember events from the past few days, I'm not totally certain what day they occurred. This could just be forgetfulness, or a side-effect of not having a serious schedule over the holidays. Still, I can't shake the feeling that I might be experiencing some kind of weird temporal displacement that is slowly unsticking me from fabric of space-time. I'm afraid I'll go for a walk one day, then get back 20 minutes later to find out I'd been gone for 30 years. Or that I accidentally wandered into the 1970's. I can't say which scenario would be scarier.
Anyway, other developments: this writers' group thing I was in during the summer is getting back together a few times before Spring classes start. This past Monday night, I got to hang out with some cool people for the first time in a while, and it was fun. Also, I got treated to a lot of free food, which I'm not at all used to. At least, not from people outside my immediate family.
So I have some writing to do for the next meeting. I should really get working on that. Peace and love, readers.
Anyway, other developments: this writers' group thing I was in during the summer is getting back together a few times before Spring classes start. This past Monday night, I got to hang out with some cool people for the first time in a while, and it was fun. Also, I got treated to a lot of free food, which I'm not at all used to. At least, not from people outside my immediate family.
So I have some writing to do for the next meeting. I should really get working on that. Peace and love, readers.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Just confirmed something, and learned other things
Apparently, even the least offensive man I can think of off-hand can offend someone from time to time without even trying. Yet I can write intentionally controversial things and hardly get any backlash. It's a matter of readership volume, I guess. People being insulted is clearly the mark of success, because it proves that somebody was paying attention to you in the first place.
Also, my friend John nicely proved two things. First, that everybody responds to their critics sometimes. Second, that it's possible to do so without reducing the quality of your prose. Playful irony and sarcasm go a long way. Bravo, sir.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Just thought of something else
This semester is over. It ended officially for me on Tuesday. I feel pretty good about how my classes ended, aside from one thing: for some reason, my teammates whom I'd been working with on group project apparently didn't turn in their work on time this week. I'm hoping it's just a little miscommunication or something, but I'm kind of worried; this project is a huge part of our grade for the course. Hopefully we'll sort it out soon.
I'm also just thinking now that, after my last post, I'd really like to try to lighten the mood. I've been entirely too bitter, cynical, jaded, and generally a miserable person to talk to. I guess it's fortunate I don't really have a social life, and relatively few people will ever has the lousy fortune to read this mess. With the holiday season upon us, I'm hoping to avoid too much rest and relaxation if I can help it. I'd really feel much better about myself, and life in general, if I could really accomplish some things. I'm thinking about finding work, but I somehow doubt that would make me feel fulfilled at all. Plus, I'm bound to get my fill of work in the spring when I become a college graduate.
Anyway, I won't say what I'm actually doing or even hoping to do this season, because making plans usually backfires for me. Instead I'll just ask that you wish me luck, and more importantly energy to meet life's little challenges. Sound good? Great, thank you. Peace and love, and I hope you have a happy and/or merry whatever-you-celebrate this month.
I'm also just thinking now that, after my last post, I'd really like to try to lighten the mood. I've been entirely too bitter, cynical, jaded, and generally a miserable person to talk to. I guess it's fortunate I don't really have a social life, and relatively few people will ever has the lousy fortune to read this mess. With the holiday season upon us, I'm hoping to avoid too much rest and relaxation if I can help it. I'd really feel much better about myself, and life in general, if I could really accomplish some things. I'm thinking about finding work, but I somehow doubt that would make me feel fulfilled at all. Plus, I'm bound to get my fill of work in the spring when I become a college graduate.
Anyway, I won't say what I'm actually doing or even hoping to do this season, because making plans usually backfires for me. Instead I'll just ask that you wish me luck, and more importantly energy to meet life's little challenges. Sound good? Great, thank you. Peace and love, and I hope you have a happy and/or merry whatever-you-celebrate this month.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Just a little Grinchier this season
Frankly, I think this needs to be said. I don't care if it offends anyone.
There is no War on Christmas. Everyone is hyper-sensitive about everything nowadays. The whole reason things like "Happy Holidays" and not openly celebrating Christmas in schools came about was because non-Christians were offended and felt deliberately left out. So, we tried to appease everybody with our non-denominational season's greetings, and then the Christians decided to take offense because we weren't giving them preferential treatment anymore.
When the day comes when a company forbids its employees from saying Merry Christmas, or a gated community forbids its residents from having Christmas displays on their property, or a mayor of a town outlaws the celebration of Christmas in any form, then there will be legitimate reason to be upset. But some guy sending out invitations to a Tree Lighting Ceremony without the word Christmas on it? Come on.
Anyone who takes offense to those little acts of non-denominational politeness needs their small heart to grow three sizes this day.
Then explode and kill them instantly.
There is no War on Christmas. Everyone is hyper-sensitive about everything nowadays. The whole reason things like "Happy Holidays" and not openly celebrating Christmas in schools came about was because non-Christians were offended and felt deliberately left out. So, we tried to appease everybody with our non-denominational season's greetings, and then the Christians decided to take offense because we weren't giving them preferential treatment anymore.
When the day comes when a company forbids its employees from saying Merry Christmas, or a gated community forbids its residents from having Christmas displays on their property, or a mayor of a town outlaws the celebration of Christmas in any form, then there will be legitimate reason to be upset. But some guy sending out invitations to a Tree Lighting Ceremony without the word Christmas on it? Come on.
Anyone who takes offense to those little acts of non-denominational politeness needs their small heart to grow three sizes this day.
Then explode and kill them instantly.
That's all. No peace or love this time. I'm too tired and bitter to hope for that.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Just forgot all about it again
Brief life updates: I'm doing decently in school, just falling a bit behind this past week. Not a lot else going on, but I'm working on that. Sort of.
One of the things on my list of stuff to do when I'm financially independent: get back to my dream research. For those wondering what that's about, go to Grasshopper Enterprises and read a few of the dream-related posts, particularly the Senoi Dreamers one. You'll know about as much as I currently do. If this crap interests you, feel free to examine my Dream Blog as well. I've sadly done little with it so far; a combination of not remembering most of my dreams and having better crap to do made me leave it lie, but I still want to get back into it, especially after this past morning, so there's a fresh post there now as well. If you're reading this, it should already be posted.
The other thing... Aw, crap, I managed to forget what the other thing was while writing that dream blog post. Hang on, it'll come back to me. In the meantime:
Buying a good Stevie Ray Vaughan collection, and finally listening to the Little Feat live album I was given by my aunt and/or cousin last Christmas. These are two things I did recently that I should've done much sooner. I love Stevie Ray Vaughan, and while I've only listened to a couple songs from the Little Feat album, I'm loving it so far. Music is a vital part of my life; it helps keep me going. It's sad how I manage to forget that sometimes.
Oh, remind me to learn to sing eventually, too. I'm as tone deaf as a rotten log, but I figure I can get better.
Now, that other thing... Ugh, dammit. I still don't know what it was. And the whole theme of this post was remembering things. Guess I screwed that up.
Alright, it's late at night and I need to at least try to sleep, so that'll have to be all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.
One of the things on my list of stuff to do when I'm financially independent: get back to my dream research. For those wondering what that's about, go to Grasshopper Enterprises and read a few of the dream-related posts, particularly the Senoi Dreamers one. You'll know about as much as I currently do. If this crap interests you, feel free to examine my Dream Blog as well. I've sadly done little with it so far; a combination of not remembering most of my dreams and having better crap to do made me leave it lie, but I still want to get back into it, especially after this past morning, so there's a fresh post there now as well. If you're reading this, it should already be posted.
The other thing... Aw, crap, I managed to forget what the other thing was while writing that dream blog post. Hang on, it'll come back to me. In the meantime:
Buying a good Stevie Ray Vaughan collection, and finally listening to the Little Feat live album I was given by my aunt and/or cousin last Christmas. These are two things I did recently that I should've done much sooner. I love Stevie Ray Vaughan, and while I've only listened to a couple songs from the Little Feat album, I'm loving it so far. Music is a vital part of my life; it helps keep me going. It's sad how I manage to forget that sometimes.
Oh, remind me to learn to sing eventually, too. I'm as tone deaf as a rotten log, but I figure I can get better.
Now, that other thing... Ugh, dammit. I still don't know what it was. And the whole theme of this post was remembering things. Guess I screwed that up.
Alright, it's late at night and I need to at least try to sleep, so that'll have to be all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Just found it funny
I was browsing a few videos just now, and came upon this video of John Cleese giving a lecture.
It's pretty fascinating so far, but I thought I'd better enjoy it if I finished my browsing and general dickery first, then finished watching afterward. As luck would have it, I clicked Pause just after he mentioned how awful it is to be interrupted.
Sorry, John. Well, on to some updates:
On the bright side, I sense a little bit of creative energy bubbling up inside me. My computer has crashed on me a few times now, so I've been falling behind a little in my work, but I'm still hopeful that I'll find more time for creative projects. At the very least, I should be writing a bit here a couple times a week to try and keep my right brain fertile. Even if I don't have anything spectacular to share, the act of typing it out as a coherent thought may be beneficial.
Prior to the first computer crash, I did briefly have my Wacom tablet installed, and I was pretty impressed with how it worked, cheap model that it is. It's awkward getting used to moving the cursor normally with it, but drawing feels pretty intuitive, so I'm excited to reinstall the drivers and properly run it through its paces. I guess schoolwork takes priority, though.
Alright, that's enough for the moment. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
It's pretty fascinating so far, but I thought I'd better enjoy it if I finished my browsing and general dickery first, then finished watching afterward. As luck would have it, I clicked Pause just after he mentioned how awful it is to be interrupted.
Sorry, John. Well, on to some updates:
On the bright side, I sense a little bit of creative energy bubbling up inside me. My computer has crashed on me a few times now, so I've been falling behind a little in my work, but I'm still hopeful that I'll find more time for creative projects. At the very least, I should be writing a bit here a couple times a week to try and keep my right brain fertile. Even if I don't have anything spectacular to share, the act of typing it out as a coherent thought may be beneficial.
Prior to the first computer crash, I did briefly have my Wacom tablet installed, and I was pretty impressed with how it worked, cheap model that it is. It's awkward getting used to moving the cursor normally with it, but drawing feels pretty intuitive, so I'm excited to reinstall the drivers and properly run it through its paces. I guess schoolwork takes priority, though.
Alright, that's enough for the moment. Peace and love, you crazy kids.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Just a few things
To anybody who happens to find their way here from LinkedIn:
I am so very sorry.
Oh, if anyone's curious what I've been up to with classes lately, my game journal sums up a lot of it. I don't recommend reading it too long though, as there's nothing too deeply insightful. It's for a grade, after all.
There isn't much else to report on right now, though it occurs to me that half the reason my blog and twitter are so silent is because my every inane thought is usually wasted elsewhere on the Internet (I won't say where; they don't need the traffic and I don't need the shame). So here are some of my recent thoughts and anecdotes:
"I only started using Chrome because my Firefox install somehow got horribly corrupted and I didn't want to bother fixing it. I really don't understand the dislike, though. The only thing I've run into lately that it can't do is play animated PNG images, and those are stupid anyway."
~
"I'm not sure why, but it just makes me so happy to know that the word defenestrate exists. I hope to use it in a proper context someday. I kind of want this date to be a holiday too."
~
"Just when I start to think modern rock may actually be as good as classic, George Thorogood or Stevie Ray Vaughan comes on."
~
"Last night I finally got around to installing the device drivers and software to try out my new drawing tablet. It seemed pretty cool. Then a few hours later my computer crashed. Recurring blue-screen and all. Thank god I had the good sense to back up some of my files beforehand. I almost lost an important project I've been doing for a class.
I am so very sorry.
Oh, if anyone's curious what I've been up to with classes lately, my game journal sums up a lot of it. I don't recommend reading it too long though, as there's nothing too deeply insightful. It's for a grade, after all.
There isn't much else to report on right now, though it occurs to me that half the reason my blog and twitter are so silent is because my every inane thought is usually wasted elsewhere on the Internet (I won't say where; they don't need the traffic and I don't need the shame). So here are some of my recent thoughts and anecdotes:
"I only started using Chrome because my Firefox install somehow got horribly corrupted and I didn't want to bother fixing it. I really don't understand the dislike, though. The only thing I've run into lately that it can't do is play animated PNG images, and those are stupid anyway."
~
"I'm not sure why, but it just makes me so happy to know that the word defenestrate exists. I hope to use it in a proper context someday. I kind of want this date to be a holiday too."
~
"Just when I start to think modern rock may actually be as good as classic, George Thorogood or Stevie Ray Vaughan comes on."
~
"Last night I finally got around to installing the device drivers and software to try out my new drawing tablet. It seemed pretty cool. Then a few hours later my computer crashed. Recurring blue-screen and all. Thank god I had the good sense to back up some of my files beforehand. I almost lost an important project I've been doing for a class.
I wonder if it's a sign, though. I finally get up the motivation to even think about drawing again, and the universe throws a wrench in the works. Maybe somebody's trying to tell me something.
Or maybe it's somehow Chrome's fault."
~
"I have mild asthma. If I could, I would punch my own lungs in the face."
~
"I really want my own Curiosity Core now. Do they make plushies of those anywhere? They really should."
That's it for now. Peace and love, all.
Or maybe it's somehow Chrome's fault."
~
"I have mild asthma. If I could, I would punch my own lungs in the face."
~
"I really want my own Curiosity Core now. Do they make plushies of those anywhere? They really should."
That's it for now. Peace and love, all.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Just more of the same
I've had my shiny new Wacom tablet for a week now. It hasn't even left the box yet. I swear I think about my comic project at least a few times a week on average, yet I can't find the damn motivation to take some time and work on it. Even now with a tool that'd make the process quicker and easier, I don't find the time. I wonder if I've just grown comfortable with my mediocre unfulfilling life.
I never write anymore either, which leads me to think the same. At least with drawing I have the excuse that I suck. I'm actually a decent writer though, and I usually enjoy writing, so there's no reason for me to NOT do it. And hell, with the shit that gets successfully published and produced these days, I'd have at least a snowball's chance at a career with it, yet I don't do anything.
What am I missing? What have I lost?
I never write anymore either, which leads me to think the same. At least with drawing I have the excuse that I suck. I'm actually a decent writer though, and I usually enjoy writing, so there's no reason for me to NOT do it. And hell, with the shit that gets successfully published and produced these days, I'd have at least a snowball's chance at a career with it, yet I don't do anything.
What am I missing? What have I lost?
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