Just a few thoughts on the End of Days

Let's ignore the fact that the Mayans never actually predicted an apocalypse, they just created a calendar that happens to end on a certain day. And let's ignore the fact that calendars are designed to be cyclical so a new one starts whenever the previous one ends.

Can anybody explain to me how any person can believe that the ancient Mayans would have known something that modern astronomers, physicists and geologists don't know? They confused Gods with the Spanish.

Meanwhile, people are freaking out, spreading word about a terrible apocalypse predicted by the wise and powerful Mayans, all while sharing a photo of a fucking Aztec artifact. What does that tell you?

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This is just a lazy repost of something I wrote on Facebook, but this blog is being neglected and I felt bad. I'll have to come up with more to write soon. Peace and love, readerfolk.

Just a bit about personal politics

I'm still seeing political discussions on Facebook. Some are fairly civil, which is always nice to see. Of course, even some of the civil ones can be very presumptuous, and you know how that sets me off.

One opinion you'll here from good people on all sides is that being a democrat shouldn't preclude you from being friends with a republican, and vice versa. Most people I respect share this idea. They will simply say that whatever you may believe, politics are personal, and they shouldn't get in the way of your friendships.

Regarding that point, though, I actually heard somebody make a compelling argument for why your personal politics do matter. According to this person, politics are important because they're a matter not just of pride, but of the fate of our country. Apparently, hardcore liberals and conservatives have such drastically different plans for our country, our very way of life is at stake, because liberals plan to give the federal government so much power that it will inevitably take away all of our civil liberties.

Since the person who made the above point clearly has all the answers, obviously, this must mean that conservatives are people with good moral values who want to protect liberty, and liberals are morally bankrupt fools who want to create an Orwellian police state so they can have free healthcare and abortions, and sit at home numbing themselves with legalized marijuana while the iron fist of Big Brother Obama crushes everything about America that we hold dear.

I like it. This view of things is nice and simple. It eliminates all the messy complications and doubt that arise from approaching politics on a personal level rather than on the level of an entire movement.

There's certainly no way that any conservative politicians are selling their political influence to private interests for their own personal gain, slowly compromising the integrity of the government as it becomes more and more controlled by money rather than morals. And there are certainly no heartless, bloodthirsty warmongers in the party who treat citizens of the very country they claim to love with the kind of boundless contempt and fury usually reserved for someone who fucked your girlfriend and your mother in a three-way over the corpse of your dog and then sent a DVD of the event to all of your closest friends.

Of course, there is similarly no possibility that some liberals believe there should be a strong federal government in place for the purpose of actually protecting people's liberties and well-being from individuals and corporations who would seek to exploit the law to control the poor and the weak. It's entirely impossible that a person branded with the name "liberal" could in fact love their country and its people and wish to work together with the rest of government to better serve them.

Nope, they all just wanna control us, and the conservatives are fighting them to preserve the American dream.

Naturally, there are also people at the other end of the spectrum, who believe all conservatives are brainless, bible-thumping toothless morons who will vote for any corrupt, filthy rich, human-trafficking, Gevenva-Convention-violating, black-hearted Sith lord so long as he loves guns and says the word "freedom" enough. On the other hand, they figure all liberals must be highly-evolved, intellectually superior, free-spirited, omnipotent, angelic reincarnations of Mahatma Ghandi and Mother Teresa (if they were atheists). This point of view has exactly as much evidence to support it as the opposite view does, and makes about as much logical sense.

As straightforward and attractive as this kind of political-label-based thinking can be, I'm mainly of the opinion that anybody who rides too hard on the "conservative" or "liberal" agenda is probably too willfully ignorant and full of indignant holier-than-thou attitude to be worth interacting with on more than a casual basis.

If anyone's going to get a bug up their ass and act like they're smarter than everyone else in the room, it should be a cynic like me. Everyone who "shoots from the hip" and "tells it like it is" is firing blind; at least I have the decency to admit that I speak from a place of well-intentioned ignorance. Plus, I sure can talk pretty when I want to, can't I?

I do know this though: amid all this bickering between the democrats and republicans, liberals and conservatives, the voices of reason and compassion get lost in the noise of war drums. Americans are essentially going to war with each other, even if it's only a war of words. Evidently, they don't realize that this process actually benefits none of us in the American public. All the squabbling and mudslinging does nothing to secure our energy independence, protect us from terrorist threats, stabilize the economy, protect our civil liberties, encourage technological progress, prevent or reverse global climate change (you know, if you believe the word of countless scientists and climate experts all over the world), or really do anything else to improve our lives. It's a giant distraction; nothing more. As long as we have somebody to place the blame on, we won't worry too much about the rest.

On the other hand, do you know who benefits quite a bit from all this political banter? Politicians. The two big parties still control our entire government, both on the federal and state levels. Independent or third-party candidates are rare, and have essentially no power to affect change. Congress has had a staggeringly low approval rating in recent years, yet many incumbent candidates got reelected all over the country. Why on earth would we keep voting for the same people we claim to think are doing a lousy job? Only morons like Todd Akin who found a way to stand out from the crowd and make themselves targets were voted out. Everyone who kept quiet and stuck to their party's platform saved their jobs.

I hear plenty of people talking about how awful the choices are in the elections, yet nobody makes an effort to find someone better. A lot of people genuinely didn't like either of the big two presidential candidates this year, but they still cast their vote for one of them, thinking it would be the lesser of two evils, and that somehow voting for any third-party candidate would be a waste of their vote.

I'm sorry, but how fucking stupid can the American people really be? The parties told us that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney were our choices. We didn't pick them; the veteran members of those parties chose them. Even the political primaries are a joke; Republicans were given a handful of unlikable political riff-raff to pick from, and they picked the least of those evils to advance to the main election. How do more people not stand up in the middle of this mess and go "Is this the best we could come up with?"

At this point, I just think there's no point in fighting over how best to protect the foundations of American democracy. They're already gone. Our votes are bought and paid for. Millions upon millions of dollars were collected out of the pockets of political power-players and a sea of hapless gullible idiots, and they were spent on ad campaigns to convince us that our vote matters, yet simultaneously tell us who we are supposed to vote for. I'm not just talking about actual advertising segments, either. Network anchors and editorial commentators on cable news feed us the exact same information. I'm not sure if they're actually being paid off, or if they're just as gullible as the people they broadcast to.

It's pathetic and despicable, but even I'm complicit in all this. After all, I didn't really research candidates who might actually work to take the influence of private money and blind partisan loyalty out of political decision-making. I was too busy with whatever else I do with my life to set time aside for the future of my country, or my state for that matter. When I went in to vote on Tuesday, half my ballot was blank because I didn't want to vote for local politicians I knew nothing about, but not voting is almost as bad as voting uninformed.

In regards to the actual presidential election, I cast a vote for the Libertarian candidate. While I do agree with the vast majority of his platform, the vote was less out of loyalty for him and more out of contempt for mainstream politics. Hell, a couple of weeks ago, I still couldn't remember the man's name, and after this week, it's unlikely anybody else will either.

Well, this has gotten awfully long-winded. If I had a point to make with all this, it's simply the following: people who take politics so seriously as to cut off ties with friends they disagree with are irredeemable fucking morons. Politics, American or otherwise, are a stupid sick joke, and like most things we do as a human race, they should not be taken too seriously. It only makes us look foolish in the long run.

Anyway, if I offended anybody with this rant of mine, I do apologize. Not for anything I said, but for your inability to get your head out of your ass, metaphorically speaking. Life's too short to go on bickering over crap like this. In truth, I've given it more thought than it deserves at this point, and I wish I hadn't. So, maybe I do apologize for that much.

Verbosity is another thing I can't stand; you probably wouldn't guess that by reading this.

Instead of arguing over ideologies with people who have even less insight than I do, I think I'm better off just living the best life I can. I'm not quite sure how to do that, mind you; this life is still a work in progress, so there's time to figure it out. I'd just appreciate it if we could all learn to treat each other with the kind of respect we wish to be treated with. Nobody has all the right answers; most people don't even have a few of them.

I just want us all to remember that societies only work through cooperation, and drawing battle lines in the sand with labels like conservative and liberal only hurt our ability to thrive.

Now, I know we can't all just get along. Drama is inherent in our nature as human beings. I'm too hopeful to be a realist, but I hate entirely too many people to be a pacifist. I just hope we can figure out a way to live side by side without being at each other's throats day and night. We'll never get world peace, but I'd settle for that much.

Those are my thoughts for now. I'll sign off before this turns into a damn book instead of a post. I'll follow up later if my muse should strike me over the head again. Until then, peace and love, readers. And just for laughs:

Ron Paul 2016

Just a quick thought

YOLO:

Abbreviated slang term meaning "you only live once."

I really hate that term. Why do people who say it always think it means to do something reckless? If you only have one life to live, why the hell would you throw it away on childish impulses?

Maybe because the only people who say YOLO are stupid, pleasure-seeking man-children who couldn't find real meaning in their lives if the lord almighty Himself came down on a cloud and bitch-slapped the taste out of their stupid mouths.

Just a quick thought. Peace and love, dear readers. And if you see some misguided young man talking about his swag, remind him how stupid he looks.

Just annoyed with people right now

For some reason, the Obama campaign shared this story on Facebook a little while ago. Apparently they expect it to be uplifting and inspiring. I just find it confounding and infuriating, and the comments are even worse. One guy states: "I know it's not much, but donating $5 [to the Obama campaign] made me feel really good about myself."

...Why?

Maybe I'm naive, but why do people who donated a few dollars to a political campaign say they feel good about themselves? They shouldn't. Really. The only way they should feel worse is if they donated more than a few dollars.

Even if you honestly believe that Obama is the best person for the job of the Presidency right now, answer this: how does that $5 help him win the election? It's not as if your vote is multiplied by the number of dollars you sent in. All you're paying for is more brain-dead political ads to bother me while I'm eating dinner. You're buying another bottle of seltzer for the clowns in the three-ring circus we call a political system. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Here's a sad dose of reality for you: at this point in the race, anybody who hasn't made up their mind already is not going to be swayed by political advertising. Hence, you wasted your money.

And yet, scores of people feel good about the money they've thrown away on political campaigns. If you donated $5 to Obama's political campaign, or worse yet feel somehow moved by stories about working class people giving up a pizza dinner so they can instead give to the campaign, you should be ashamed of yourself. This comes straight from that letter to Obama: $15 could have bought that nice family a fun pizza dinner, fresh fruit, or helped pay for tickets to a show they could enjoy together. Instead, that money went to paying for the incompetent political machine that pesters me incessantly with its propaganda. That political machine, by the way, is in no danger of running out of money anytime soon either.

If you want to help Obama win so badly, then inform yourself about his policies and his opponents' policies, discuss the issues with friends and family, and help get the word out. Hell, you can have local rallies for him if you really want.

But some of you can't be bothered with all that, can you? Instead you just throw a couple dollars his way so you can feel like you did something good to make a difference. Throwing money at a problem is a stereotypical lazy American way to handle things, and it's a big part of the reason the world doesn't take us seriously. Can you blame them? Actions like this make us look positively pathetic.

Of course, all this is ignoring the fact that nobody even knows about the presidential candidates in other parties beyond the big two, and I've heard virtually no one place any emphasis on voting for their own representatives at the local and state levels, or even the people who are supposed to represent them in Congress, but those are glaring issues for another time.

When our people are more committed to obtaining the new iPhone than to making an informed choice about the people who control our government, it's time to throw our hands up and let England reclaim control of their former colony. Sure, they've been having a collective panic attack over Kate Middleton being photographed topless, so they aren't the picture of common sense right now either, but it's clear now that we really can't handle running a country any better than they can.

So, that's all I'll say for tonight. I apologize for the negative tone, but I really needed to get all of that off my chest. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood after the election season is over.

Peace and love, dear readers. Oh, and if you'd like support my own campaign to become future president of the United States, send me as little as $5 to express your support, as well as your sick sense of bizarre irony.

Just a word about the robot uprising

I heard guys on my favorite radio show talking about this today. Here's a video to accompany the discussion, because robots are cool:


So, here's the thing: a lot of people seem to think that because of these advances we've had in artificial intelligence, such as with things like Cleverbot, Watson, iPhone's Siri, and all the videogames that exist, somehow we are closer to reaching a day where our science fiction nightmares come true and intelligent robots start taking over the world.

I'll be perfectly up-front about this: it's not going to happen. Robots can potentially be dangerous if created by dangerous people with bad intentions, but a robot or computer cannot be self-aware and decide to make its mission in existence to wipe out the human race.

A guy who called into the radio show made the stupidest, most herculean leap in logic I've heard from anybody who claims to understand computers. (For the uninitiated, I do have a Bachelor's degree in Computer Science now, so I at least have some excuse for being a boastful know-it-all about this stuff) The caller referenced a computer built back in the 90s which, after being taught the basic rules of Backgammon, was then left to run and play the game over and over until it taught itself how to be good at Backgammon. He then said that, since this was easy enough to achieve, all we needed to do for a robot to become self-aware is to teach it the concept of things, and then it can set about learning all things from the Internet, thus gaining mastery of all human knowledge.

There are two problems with that logic. First, the simpler one: Backgammon is not that complicated. A computer with decent AI can certainly learn to play a board game like that in this way, and it's not surprising. The thing is, the real world has way more rules and countless variables to keep track of. This is why the above robot video is so impressive: the mere act of walking around on four legs is a terribly intricate and difficult process for a computer to handle. It took very talented engineers a long time to carefully design programs that could direct that robot through a real environment. Now, just imagine if the robot had to not only walk around, but use tools, communicate, find paths through more difficult terrain, and even fight, all while remembering that if it turns on its human caretakers, it'll need to find its own source of power to run its engine.

Secondly, the much more damning point: computers, as they exist today, cannot learn concepts. Period. The very notion of teaching a robot the concept of things, or any concept at all, is absurd sci-fi stuff. Everything that we see computers do today that seems intelligent, whether it's Watson schooling people at trivia games, Siri answering our questions, or Cleverbot creepily flirting with us and getting vulgar for no clear reason, all of those things are accomplished through logical algorithms, dealing purely in numbers.

Watson can pull the name Agatha Christie from its database to answer a question, but it has no idea who Agatha Christie is, or even that the letters that make up that name are supposed to signify anything in the first place. It's just following its logic trees and trying to pull likely correct responses to the query; it's just a step up from Googling the question.

At least as they exist today, computers cannot understand a concept, they cannot learn much beyond what they've been programmed to learn, and they cannot have motivations of their own because they have no mind. So, as I said, if some mad scientist wants to create a diabolical killing machine robot army, they may do so, but those robots will never doing anything beyond what they were created to. I won't say that intelligent machines are impossible, but they would need to be created from something drastically different than the simple digital logic machines we use today.

So, that's that. I hope I put a few of your fears to rest. You're a lot more likely to be killed by your dish washer or your toaster than your computer, at least for the foreseeable future. So, relax and enjoy technology, because it's not plotting our downfall. It's here to serve us, just as it was made to.

Peace and love, readers.

Just unsure of how much to say

Unhappy news first: I'm not getting that job with Vicarious Visions. I didn't make the cut, and frankly I don't blame them. The proficiency test just served to prove how unproficient (inproficient?) I am. So, the search for steady employment, or employment of any kind really, continues. There will be more on that as it develops. I have hopes for another company that I'm somewhat less excited about, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Ourselves? Who are these plural selves I just referenced? It's only me here. Anyway...

For once, something wonderful is going on in my life that I'm not eager to share every detail of just yet. I'd just like to comment in general for now on the phenomenon known as "young love." Even now, it's sort of bizarre to me. There's a surreal, improbable, even unnatural feeling to all of it. Perhaps I'm tainted, or just overly cautious, but I find it hard to truly enjoy without careful examination.

For someone like me, who has only on a few occasions been involved with someone in any romantic capacity, it's hard to ignore this nagging fear: as much as I may like the person I am with in that moment, how do I know that this feeling I have isn't just a sort of relief at no longer being alone?

Really, any form of love is a good thing; I've always been an advocate of this concept. Whether it's fleeting or long-term, casual or committed, straight or gay, friend or family; it's all good.

What troubles me is the suspicion that, if there were another girl sitting by my side, her head resting on my shoulder as we hold hands, I would for the most part feel the exact same way. If this were true, it would mean that what I felt was not truly love for this one person, but for the mere idea of no longer being alone. Essentially, it would be love of the concept of loving, and of being loved.

Basically, I want to know for certain that this special person is just that. I need to believe that I haven't just been drawn to her for lack of other options. She is a terrific person; I have no doubt about that, and I certainly liked her before I had any sort of romantic or sexual thoughts about her. That's at least reassuring.

Well, as usual, I'm over-thinking things. If I think she's a great person, and want to spend more time with her, then what else is there to worry about? I really just need to relax. It would be easier if she were sitting here now. At least, I think it would be.

Actually, yes, I'm sure it would be.

So yeah, I'm worried over nothing. Still, I'm glad I at least thought about it. I can ultimately be more secure in my feelings that way. And hey, maybe someone reading this feels better as well. That would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

That's all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.

Just thought I should mention

My life really isn't as miserable as I portray it here sometimes. This can't be overstated: I have a great family, and some very wonderful friends. Yesterday was absurdly fun.

I'm unfortunately feeling a little sickly today, so I won't be able to adequately tell the story. For now, suffice to say that I had the pleasure of hanging out with some of the coolest people I know. Among other things, we watched a good movie, ate good food, talked about a variety of silly things, climbed a tree, and did that silly thing where you lay in the grass in a circle. It's a shame we didn't have an aerial camera; it probably looked very amusing.

Anyway, aside from that, I got some nice news today, but it's not set in stone and I'd rather not jinx myself, so I'll get into that next week sometime.

I also kind of want to use the "boobs" tag on this post, but am having a tough time coming up with a good reason for it. You'd think there would always be a reason for boobs.

So yeah, life is good. I need to take more time out to acknowledge that. Also, to climb more trees.

Peace and love, readers.

Just looked at my spam folder

There were some 300 unmoderated spam comments sitting in there, on pretty much every post on this blog, most from the same automated spammer account. As far as I can tell, that account has been deleted, but those comments remained.

Now, ordinarily I wouldn't lose sleep over this kind of thing, even though I actually ranted about these viral marketing idiots before. I will briefly reiterate my feelings on them: if you work at a company that relies on spam bots to market itself, you work for pathetic idiots and you are yourself a waste of human life. If I was given a choice between saving your life or the life of a mosquito, I'd choose the mosquito because, unlike you, its existence contributes to the global ecosystem in some small way.

What makes this awful is that, because of the sheer torrent of spam comments, I've never bothered to even look through them before. As a result, somebody made a legitimate comment on a post of mine a while ago, and it went unpublished until now because I never knew it existed. It was buried in piles of filth in my spam folder.

You know, I really don't want to lose faith, but when it becomes possible for a real person to be silenced by overzealous spam filters, because spammers have gotten so out of control that they pose a real threat to productivity, it really makes me feel awful for the state of humanity.

I can't state this enough: humanity prospers through community and cooperation. That is the only way. If you bother or even harm other people for your own gains, you are a blight upon all that makes the human race great. It's taken us so long just to come this far, and still selfish people will tear down all that we hold dear just to make themselves a little bit more comfortable.

Now, I realize it seems silly for me to say all that about something as common and (mostly) benign as spammers, but this is just the final straw. Spammers are only one minor nuisance, but they're part of a systemic breakdown of our most treasured values. I see the tentacles of the human Id grasping at everything and everyone I care about. Half of the time, people don't even realize what they're doing is hurting others. The other half of the time, they simply do not care. It turns my stomach, and I can't bear to shut up about it.

Anyway, I'm sorry this has been kind of a downer. Obviously I'm in a bit of a depressed state lately, what with the mostly fruitless job search, my student loan debt, and all the unrelenting stress and drama of politics. I really should just unplug for a few days; stay off the Internet, away from the TV and radio.

The one bright side is that I have real friends now who always seem to renew my faith in people. In times like these, I can't forget about them, or anyone else I care about.

Alright, that's enough of that. I'll try to find something fun to talk about next time. Peace and love, readers.

Just need to rant

I just can't stay quiet on this. My brain feels like it's going to explode.

Look, sometime last week or the week before, whenever, I heard people talking about this video clip of President Obama giving a speech and saying something like, "If you own a business, you didn't build that." When I heard that, I thought, wow, I can't believe he'd say that. And I really didn't. What's more, I knew he wouldn't have actually said something like that. Do you know why? Because he's not a fucking idiot. We're just a few months short of the election. Obama wouldn't go out on the campaign trail and commit career suicide with a blatant business-bashing comment like that. Nobody is that stupid.

So, I just assumed somebody was misinterpreting his words, which is prone to happen, and I let it go. I didn't care to hear anymore. If people want to hate Obama for no other reason than he is Obama, let them go right ahead. Never mind that there are a plethora of legitimate reasons to dislike Obama. Let them draw whatever twisted conclusions they want about his character and his motivations, and let none of it be based the slightest bit in reality. It's not like their gaining a newfound respect for common sense would cause them to shift their political leanings that much.

Hell, even I'm not voting for Obama. I flat-out refuse. The guy's overall been a failure; I have no doubt about that. Some of his measures with the healthcare and stimulus helped some people, sure, but he has no way to pay for that stuff. He couldn't reach across the isle and get Congress to compromise on legislation like he promised. He didn't close Guantanamo Bay, and as far as I can tell has no immediate plans to do so, despite telling us he'd have this done years ago. He got us out of Iraq on time but entrenched us even worse in other Middle East affairs. He basically seems like he's gunning for a record for the highest ever increase in national debt. That trophy should look great alongside the one for most enemy combatants blown to bits with unmanned drone strikes, which he is also winning.

And to top it all off, he signed that damn bill that would give the government the legal ability to indefinitely detain American citizens without trial if they are suspected of terrorism. Of course, he added at the bottom that his administration would never make use of this power. Forgive me if I don't trust you at your word, Barack.

But this... what happened with this video clip from the speech, what Fox News and Mitt Romney willfully did with this clip is so wildly unethical, I can't believe nobody from Obama's campaign or the White House has filed a law suit yet for slander. I was right all along. Surprise surprise, Obama didn't actually commit career suicide. He gave a speech saying that, basically, it takes a community. Even great leaders in business have people who help them, and everyone has to rely on some things like the nation's infrastructure. Shit, even Romney agrees with that. Here's a video, if you care to watch:


So... The actual line from the speech was: "Somebody invested [in] roads and bridges; if you've got a business, that- you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen." Now, he did misspeak a bit. I assume he meant, if you've got a business, you didn't build all that, or you didn't build those. He was referring to the aforementioned roads and bridges. If you wonder why I assume that, rather than assume he was talking about the businesses, I refer you to previous statements about him not being that stupid.

Well, guess what? Romney doesn't care about what he actually said. Fox News didn't care what he actually said. They saw an opportunity to lie right to our faces, and they took it. They cut the clip; they removed the start of the sentence when he mentions roads and bridges, so the clip they showed depicted Obama saying, "If you have a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen."

Honestly, I'm not sure what to be more upset about; the fact that they did this at all, or that they knew their viewers were fucking gullible enough to believe it. It's bad enough that those fucking scumbags would stoop so low as to actually blatantly lie in such an obvious way. Did they really just think, hell, the American people are stupid. Our viewers at Fox News are definitely stupid. They'll believe what we show them here because they already hate Obama. And then they'll get more outraged, and they'll tell all their friends and family how anti-business Obama is, and they'll spread the word and disparage him more and more, all based solely on a lie.

And you know the most fucked up part of all?

It. Fucking. Worked.

My own father fell for this bullshit. He trusted the words and the hack-job video clip from Fox News, and he believed the words of the pundits and radio personalities. He added this to his laundry list of superficial bullshit to hate about Obama, all the while blindly following the narrative that Romney is a brilliant business leader who will steer the country in the right direction. I'll concede that Romney may know how to personally succeed in business, but I will never fucking vote for a man who would lie straight to my face like this.

Look, I can't say this to his face. I love my dad. He is overall a good guy, a hard worker, a loving family man, and given the option, I wouldn't trade him in for anyone. He's the best I could hope for. But dammit... he is so fucking gullible when it comes to politics. I guess he gets it from his dad; the difference there is his dad is in the bag for liberals instead of conservatives. Maybe that kind of blind political gullibility runs in my family.

...That wouldn't quite explain me, though. I guess I do take more after Mom after all. In that case, I should really be on medication or something.

Anyway, that's all I had to say on that. I hope some of my loyal readers enjoyed my dose of vulgar enlightenment, and I hope the various nuts who make their way here from Google realize that I moderate comments, and I have no intention of giving a soapbox to anyone who's looking for a shouting match. If you have something smart to say, go ahead, but I'll be watching like the scornful know-it-all that I am.

So, yeah, on a happier note, at least when Romney is president I'll get to gloat and rub it in Dad's face when the country gets screwed all to hell, just as badly as it already has been. That's assuming, of course, that the ocean hasn't swallowed our house by then.

Peace and love, dear readers. Don't forget: hate is a sin. Practice patience and forgiveness. Hopefully I'll be able to do the same.

Dreams: Something precious

I just remembered a strange dream I had the other night. I figured it was worth reviving my dream research, but given how scarce these dream journal posts are, I figured I'll just merge them into this blog from now on. So...


I dreamed that I had found the tiniest, cutest white kitten you could ever possibly imagine. It was no bigger than a baby mouse, but fully developed (eyes open, walking on its own, and so on). This was happening at my house, apparently. I held the tiny kitten in my palm and admired it for a while. Suddenly, random huge animals seemed to be attacking from all around; bears, dogs, and I'm not sure what else. I went outside and starting running, all the while cradling the tiny kitten, trying to protect it, but somehow it slipped out of my hands. A huge dog ran to the place where I thought I had dropped it, but the dog kept running. I ran back to that spot, and on the ground, where I was sure the kitten had landed, there was a small, hairless, wrinkly, bloated creature. It looked like a fetus. It wasn't all gory or anything, just shriveled and hairless, lying in the fetal position. I knew it was dead before I even picked it up.


This kind of haunted me afterward. The dream was at least partially lucid. I had enough presence of mind to do the little walking-through-walls thing I do in lucid dreams a lot. When the dog ran toward the fallen kitten, I think I sort of willed it to keep on running without stopping, since that's what I was thinking. This is kind of just speculation, though. Also, I obviously did not choose the ending to that encounter.

The thing that haunts me about this dream is, I believe it says something about the way I think about the things (and perhaps people) that are precious to me. It's like that tiny dead fetus was saying to me, no matter what you do or where you go, the thing you care about most will slip from your grasp and disappear. It's... not a kind message from my subconscious.

Anyway, it's all still open to interpretation, I guess. I just hate to think this is how things turn out in my dreams, where I'm supposed to have all the control. Maybe it says something else that I'm not thinking of. If anybody has a theory on that, I'm happy to hear it. These dream posts are meant to be discussed, after all.

Just going to repost this

It's more relevant here anyway.

Hmm, so, the blog post with the most individual page views is one about opening up and sharing my personal feelings. The second most viewed is titled "I just accidentally electrocuted myself." I think I learned something about my readership tonight.

Also, a bit of brevity would probably go a long way here. I could update more frequently if I didn't write an entire diatribe each time. Hell, I could update even more frequently if I just remembered to do so. It's not as though I ever run out of thoughts.

More to come soon, I guess. Peace and love, reader-folk.

Just felt like opening up

I guess I'll go ahead and say this. If the person I'm talking about happens to read it, it'll at least save me some time.

There is somebody in my life I'm interested in getting closer to, but I have been holding back out of doubt. I'm convinced already that she's a great person and I'm a lucky guy for even knowing her. The concern is the same as always: I think I'm going to screw it up somehow. Intimacy is something I'm not good at, and even when I can briefly succeed at it, having a real relationship with somebody often entails them being able to count on you. Although I'm far from being impartial when it comes to judging the quality of my character, I'll be the first to tell you I'm a reasonably smart, funny guy who has the best of intentions and a lot of love to give. The main issue is that I'm utterly unreliable. I might come through when I'm needed sometimes, but if I have a relapse of depression... well, then I'm useless.

Aside from that, there are the plans I had been making for my future. Although nothing specific is lined up now, it has been my intention for a while now to get as far away from here as possible. As much as I love my family, I'd much rather be temporarily miserable and independent than complacently comfortable at home. At the very least, I should be finding a place that will be good for my career(s). The main thing holding me back from that now is that I would be leaving friends behind.

Most of my life, friendships have been things that were hastily formed when they were convenient. I tried to befriend people who were close by, and if they drifted away, or more likely I drifted away, I didn't try to stop it from happening. That's fairly normal to some extent, but I don't want to be that way. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be, but I still have some difficulty talking to people, especially new people. It's horribly intimidating, and for all the gorgeous linguistic skill I display for you, my dear readers, on this blog and elsewhere, I'm still hopelessly awkward in person.

Even more than that, though, the thought of losing touch with people I cared for simply hurts me to think about. It tears me up inside, yet I keep letting it happen. It's stupid, but this is part of the reason I don't like to ask out girls I'm interested in. Even if I manage to say the all right things for a while, eventually I'm going to screw up. I'm going to let myself slip into apathy and neglect them. Worse yet, I might tell them what I really think about them, which depending on how well I know them could either be the single kindest or cruelest thing I could ever do to them. I feel like I can't get close to the people I care about because I think I'm just too destructive to be trusted around them. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but... well, I can't help but see a pattern in my brief history on Earth.

I must sound like such a whiny dork by now. Well, my point, if I had one, is that I seem to be more comfortable when the girl makes the first move. It's tricky even then, but at least I can have some assurance that they not only like me so far, but were willing to go out on a limb to get closer to me. It's silly, I know. I'm a decent enough guy, with a good life, and great family and friends. I shouldn't be so damn insecure. The very fact that I worry this much about hurting the people I love puts me head-and-shoulders above some people I've met. I guess I'm just too impartially paranoid for my own good.

Anyway, I might as well say this while I have some tiny iota of manly confidence stored up:

Jess, if you're reading this, I was talking about you. I'm not about to ask you on a date, because the very idea of formal dating makes me roll my eyes. I'm not suggesting a huge step up in our relationship either; I love to take things slow. All I want right now is to see more of you. Take that how you will.

Alright, that wasn't so bad. Now, if I can just find the balls to actually send that message straight to her. Hmm... maybe next time.

Thanks for putting up with my awkwardness. Peace and love, dear readers.

Just having some sexy thoughts

Not sure what fired my brain up tonight, but I have two posts for you. Here is the first.

It occurs to me that the values we as a society hold dear are not being communicated very effectively. They always seem to be present in children's entertainment, and we (usually) tell our kids how they should behave. It'd be better if we showed them how, but that's beside the point.

Despite our best efforts, we have an apparent culture of vices that permeates virtually every part of our world. Whether it's advertising, movies and television, music, magazines and news outlets, or even the actions of the people in our lives, there is always a constant message going directly in opposition to the things we're supposed to hold dear. There are too many elements of this to count, so I'll focus on this for now:

Sex.

A lot of people treat sexuality like it's some kind of taboo, and when popular music, movies, television and more seem to flaunt the most disgusting and simplistic views of sexuality, the most absurd of measures are taken to counteract them. For example, some people would rather teach abstinence-only sex education in schools than have an open and healthy dialogue about sex and relationships with their kids. Frankly, I'm disgusted by people on all sides. Because sex is a cultural taboo, it becomes simultaneously something not to be discussed in polite company, and something to be indulged in with reckless depravity while nobody is looking. These are both twisted views on sex and should not be spread any further.

I just think that if we as a culture could approach the topic of sexuality with a bit more intelligence and tact, it wouldn't be such a problem. As long as you leave some of the biological specifics out, it should be acceptable to discuss the nature of adult relationships in polite company, even with children present. You should be able to talk about making love to your wife when your child is in the room; just leave out the bit where she doesn't like to go down on you because your penis smells like the toilet at a Denny's.

Sex is both a way to procreate and a medium through which two people can express their love for one another. It's far more than just a primal urge that immoral people indulge in to make themselves feel good, and that's a message our teenagers deserve to hear. For that matter, they deserve to know about the existence of differing sexuality and orientations, diseases, and contraception options.

Some adults in this country seem to think teens will have less sex if they know less about it, and that's idiotic. Our youth get a lot of bad messages about sex from music, tv, and so on. The way to combat that is not censorship; the way to combat it is to tell them the truth about sex and remind them of the values we've been trying to teach them their whole lives. You know, compassion, restraint, accountability, thinking of others as well as yourself, planning for the future. You are teaching your kids those things, right? I mean, why the hell else do you have kids?

Anyway, that's all I'll say on that for now. Peace and love, reader-folk.

Just got my degree and shot some aliens

The two events in the title are unrelated.

I'm wondering, would it be a bad idea to list this as my personal website in a professional portfolio? I have a feeling some potential employers wouldn't appreciate some of the things contained here.

Oh, before I forget, I might as well announce it here: I (semi)officially completed my studies at SUNY Institute of Technology this past May. I received an A on my thesis/capstone project, and unless something awful arises in the office, I will be getting my diploma in the mail sometime in July. I have earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer and Information Science, which is easily the most respectable-sounding piece of paper I've ever owned.

So, the job search has commenced. I'm signed up online for various job hunting services and trying to keep an eye out for great opportunities. Naturally, my mom still highlights stuff she's seen in the newspaper and leaves them for me to find, because that's how her generation does things. She's very hopeful and proud of me. Apparently I'm the first person in our family to get a BS. My mom only has an Associate's, and my dad didn't go to college. Makes me wonder sometimes how they managed to have a combined gross annual income over $100,000. It always sounds like a lot to me, but you know, taxes and all drain that quickly.

Also, I have a feeling my productivity in job hunting will be slightly hurt by the fact that I've just started Mass Effect 2 (and have purchased the third installment). I'm pretty hooked to this thing so far. I don't play video games like that daily, but once the game console is turned on, I have a difficult time turning it off. Anyway, a lot of Mass Effect jokes suddenly make sense to me, and I've decided that if Garrus and Kasumi Goto were able to conceive a child, it would be the most phenomenally amazing, charming, and lethal bad-ass in the history of fiction. Or maybe it'd grow up to be an accountant. There's no telling with kids.

Also again, I'm typing this at 4am. I started living in the daylight like a normal person for a while there, but apparently my circadian just has no rhythm, because here I am in the wee hours again. I might pull and all-nighter and try to reset my internal clock again. Hell, it worked once this year.

That's all for now. Peace and love, readers. Speak softly, but carry a big Arc Projector.

Just shouting at deaf ears

Have you read this yet? Here's the gist:

(CNN) -- A gay teenager who pulled a stun gun on students he said bullied him has been expelled from his Indianapolis high school until January.

"While the district does not condone bullying, it also does not allow weapons to be brought on our school campuses for any reason," a spokeswoman for Indianapolis Public Schools said Tuesday. "Students who violate this rule will be held accountable."

I was about to share this on Facebook, thinking the story could stand some more attention, but... fuck it. One more snarky comment from me isn't going to suddenly make things better. Now, I had a whole angry rant here about how public schools are full of shit, but that's really not the point I hope to make, so in the interest of being informative rather than just blowing off steam, I'm going to scale it back a little. So, let me just get a few thoughts about this specific story out first, and then we'll get to the heart of the matter.

The environment in our schools molds our children, and their low standards of education and care are clearly setting up our entire country to fail, but hey, who has the time and resources to solve that problem, right? Better to just make an example of the kid with the taser so they can keep up appearances without actually making their schools any safer.

"The district does not condone bullying," she said. "Students who violate the rights of others through bullying behaviors are held accountable."
Really? I wonder, how many bullies have been expelled? My guess is few or none. Seems like disproportionate punishment to me. Oh, but the student with the weapon has to be expelled, because obviously that weapon was making students feel unsafe in their school. By that logic, the bullies should've been expelled as well, but hey, that makes too much sense.

By the way, what kind of spokesperson actually has to say "we do not condone bullying"? I never once suspected they did, until they said that. Nobody (publicly) condones the practice of bullying, so when you make a point of saying that you don't condone it, it's overcompensating. I actually suspect worse things about this school because they went out of their way to say that.

Students take part in anti-bullying programs from kindergarten through 12th grade, district spokeswoman Mary Louise Bewley said. The district also offers Gay Straight Alliance groups on multiple campuses, including Arsenal Technical High School, where Young attended, Bewley said.
Yeah? How well is that working out for you? A gay student brought a taser to school because, in his own words, "I wasn't safe." Tell me, if a student is being pushed around and physically threatened by other students, what does your little alliance group do about that? How did this situation escalate so far before the school stepped in?

Look, it doesn't take a brilliant person to see the problem here. These punishments are clearly reactive in nature, not proactive. They claim they have anti-bullying programs, but have these programs improved the social atmosphere in schools? Obviously not. I don't know, maybe if kids respected your staff at all, they'd listen to what they had to say in these programs, but my guess is they don't.

Okay, ready? Heart of the matter time:

You know what would go a long way toward ending bullying in schools? Showing the kids, through our actions, that judging somebody because they're different is completely unacceptable and utterly un-American.

How do we do that? Well, off the top of my head... Legalize gay marriage. Stop cultivating a culture where gays are considered aberrant and a danger to our way of life. When prejudice and hatred dictate policy in our government, it teaches our kids far more than any cheap public school workshop will.

Kids bully because we've taught them to do so; we show them that's how the world works. Look at our politics; look at our wars; look at our reality tv; look at cable news. We've taught them that aggression, drama and violence are the tools for success. Are we really this fucking stupid?

Well, for once, I'm going to call on you, the person reading my frustrated diatribe, to take action. Even if you don't share this actual post, share the idea. Make other people connect the dots. We can't publicly say we're against bullying while our actions send the opposite message. Actions speak louder than words; we've all heard this. Isn't it high time we lived that creed? Shouldn't we practice what we preach? Or are we going to continue letting fear, misinformation and hatred tear our culture apart?

Stop telling our kids how to act and then wondering what went wrong. Be a fucking role model.

That's all I needed to say for now. Peace and love, all you happy people.

Just checked Hubpages again

So, I got another accolade on Hubpages. This time, it says that I got the Engaging Writer accolade, which means that most people who read my articles stay on the page and read it all the way to the end. I still get a fairly steady stream of new comments to moderate as well; roughly two per week. You know what's noteworthy about this?

I haven't written an article for Hubpages in over a year and a half. The old stuff isn't exactly advertised by me. Hell, some of those opinion pieces are on opinions I don't really hold anymore (the ones about God and spirituality, mostly). And yet, those articles see more traffic than this blog. It's enough to make me think I should take writing my opinions a little more seriously again. I might actually make a little money.

It's worth noting, though, that I'm getting a little more mean-spirited online of late. I'm polite and courteous to people whom I think deserve it, but most of my writing now (which is just comments on Internet forums) is of a darker demeanor. Maybe that's just my persona there. Maybe I'm actually becoming more pessimistic, more spiteful. Then again, maybe I just see things as they are and don't like to mince words. For example:

Hubpages is a cesspool of humanity. That's why I left. There are intelligent people writing for the site, but they don't account for more than 30% of the total userbase. Go look at the answers section or recently published sometime. For every useful or interesting article (I still refuse to call them "hubs" because that's moronic), there are two or three articles that have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The answers are worse; people state their sick, deluded opinions as if they are infallible, and that's just the ones who can actually fucking speak English.

Such is my displeasure with the world. I dislike being reclusive, but whenever I pay attention to other people, I inevitably am introduced to somebody who, if they stood in front of me and said the things they say online, I would be forced to violently choke them to death purely out of a sense of cosmic justice. "Do not suffer a selfish, dangerous prick to live." That is my belief. I don't know for sure that I would have the resolve to kill a person if it came to that, but I've interacted with quite a few people that would have a good chance of pushing me to that. I realize and accept that the world is full of people with all different opinions and cultures, but there are some people that, in my mind, are simply detrimental to the rest of society.

If they can't be killed, minimally, they should have their proverbial soap boxes taken away. We in the US enjoy the right of freedom of speech; that doesn't entitle you to force your twisted views upon others. Show a little respect for others for once. The world doesn't revolve around your stupid inflated heads.

Sorry, I'm done ranting for now. I hope I sort of made my point, though. My disdain, while I think it's justified, is not entirely productive, and doesn't always warrant sharing with others. I am trying to cheer up and be nicer, I promise.

Anyway, that's it. Peace and love, my dear readers. Keep your minds and hearts open.

Just letting words fall out of my head

I have a headache, so I probably shouldn't be thinking so hard. For once in my life, I should try to get to bed early tonight. Knowing me, I'll instead be up at all hours discussing inane crap with people on forums, watching stupid videos, playing games, or doing things I shouldn't talk about it polite company.

Most of those things involve looking at porn.

On the bright side, the whole writers' group thing is going pretty well. I don't know how many weeks we have left, but I'll enjoy it while it lasts. I'm debating introducing them to my whole comic story idea thing. I've barely talked about it here, and for good reason. It's basically the product of me lying awake at night thinking, "How much absurd, ridiculous stuff can I pack into a single science-fiction/fantasy storyline and still make it vaguely coherent? Is it possible to write a piece of fiction so convoluted and full of parodies, homages, references, memes and literary devices that its TV-Tropes article would be longer than the piece itself?"

Seriously, its a little horrifying. It's been in the works for over 5 years now and just keeps getting bigger and more outrageous. It's gotten to the point that I'm now thinking maybe the comic still isn't meta enough, so I'm making plans to write a comic about the comic. It's only a matter of time before I start writing a comic about that comic, too. Not much drawing has gotten done, as you can imagine.

In other news: The Binding of Isaac. I finally bought the game and played it a bit. I'm not in love with it yet, but it definitely has a lot to offer. Aside from that, it's nice to be reminded that a deeply disturbing and awful game premise can't detract from great game mechanics. Of course, for sickos like me, the murderous and blasphemous aesthetic is a selling point. The same goes for the difficulty level. Clearly, this one's not for everybody, so I really want to get at least one ending, just so I can feel like I'm part of some exclusive secret society of gamers. You think they have cool cultist-looking robes, or a secret handshake, or get to attend a special banquet with the Prime Minister of Russia and the Illuminati on the top floor of that giant hotel in Dubai?

Alright, that's enough of this silliness. Peace and love, readers.

Just had to make sure it's Wednesday

I've been getting a lot less sure lately about what day of the week it is, and when I remember events from the past few days, I'm not totally certain what day they occurred. This could just be forgetfulness, or a side-effect of not having a serious schedule over the holidays. Still, I can't shake the feeling that I might be experiencing some kind of weird temporal displacement that is slowly unsticking me from fabric of space-time. I'm afraid I'll go for a walk one day, then get back 20 minutes later to find out I'd been gone for 30 years. Or that I accidentally wandered into the 1970's. I can't say which scenario would be scarier.

Anyway, other developments: this writers' group thing I was in during the summer is getting back together a few times before Spring classes start. This past Monday night, I got to hang out with some cool people for the first time in a while, and it was fun. Also, I got treated to a lot of free food, which I'm not at all used to. At least, not from people outside my immediate family.

So I have some writing to do for the next meeting. I should really get working on that. Peace and love, readers.

Just confirmed something, and learned other things

Apparently, even the least offensive man I can think of off-hand can offend someone from time to time without even trying. Yet I can write intentionally controversial things and hardly get any backlash. It's a matter of readership volume, I guess. People being insulted is clearly the mark of success, because it proves that somebody was paying attention to you in the first place.

Also, my friend John nicely proved two things. First, that everybody responds to their critics sometimes. Second, that it's possible to do so without reducing the quality of your prose. Playful irony and sarcasm go a long way. Bravo, sir.

Just thought of something else

This semester is over. It ended officially for me on Tuesday. I feel pretty good about how my classes ended, aside from one thing: for some reason, my teammates whom I'd been working with on group project apparently didn't turn in their work on time this week. I'm hoping it's just a little miscommunication or something, but I'm kind of worried; this project is a huge part of our grade for the course. Hopefully we'll sort it out soon.

I'm also just thinking now that, after my last post, I'd really like to try to lighten the mood. I've been entirely too bitter, cynical, jaded, and generally a miserable person to talk to. I guess it's fortunate I don't really have a social life, and relatively few people will ever has the lousy fortune to read this mess. With the holiday season upon us, I'm hoping to avoid too much rest and relaxation if I can help it. I'd really feel much better about myself, and life in general, if I could really accomplish some things. I'm thinking about finding work, but I somehow doubt that would make me feel fulfilled at all. Plus, I'm bound to get my fill of work in the spring when I become a college graduate.

Anyway, I won't say what I'm actually doing or even hoping to do this season, because making plans usually backfires for me. Instead I'll just ask that you wish me luck, and more importantly energy to meet life's little challenges. Sound good? Great, thank you. Peace and love, and I hope you have a happy and/or merry whatever-you-celebrate this month.

Just a little Grinchier this season

Frankly, I think this needs to be said. I don't care if it offends anyone.

There is no War on Christmas. Everyone is hyper-sensitive about everything nowadays. The whole reason things like "Happy Holidays" and not openly celebrating Christmas in schools came about was because non-Christians were offended and felt deliberately left out. So, we tried to appease everybody with our non-denominational season's greetings, and then the Christians decided to take offense because we weren't giving them preferential treatment anymore.

When the day comes when a company forbids its employees from saying Merry Christmas, or a gated community forbids its residents from having Christmas displays on their property, or a mayor of a town outlaws the celebration of Christmas in any form, then there will be legitimate reason to be upset. But some guy sending out invitations to a Tree Lighting Ceremony without the word Christmas on it? Come on.

Anyone who takes offense to those little acts of non-denominational politeness needs their small heart to grow three sizes this day.

Then explode and kill them instantly.

That's all. No peace or love this time. I'm too tired and bitter to hope for that.

Just forgot all about it again

Brief life updates: I'm doing decently in school, just falling a bit behind this past week. Not a lot else going on, but I'm working on that. Sort of.

One of the things on my list of stuff to do when I'm financially independent: get back to my dream research. For those wondering what that's about, go to Grasshopper Enterprises and read a few of the dream-related posts, particularly the Senoi Dreamers one. You'll know about as much as I currently do. If this crap interests you, feel free to examine my Dream Blog as well. I've sadly done little with it so far; a combination of not remembering most of my dreams and having better crap to do made me leave it lie, but I still want to get back into it, especially after this past morning, so there's a fresh post there now as well. If you're reading this, it should already be posted.

The other thing... Aw, crap, I managed to forget what the other thing was while writing that dream blog post. Hang on, it'll come back to me. In the meantime:

Buying a good Stevie Ray Vaughan collection, and finally listening to the Little Feat live album I was given by my aunt and/or cousin last Christmas. These are two things I did recently that I should've done much sooner. I love Stevie Ray Vaughan, and while I've only listened to a couple songs from the Little Feat album, I'm loving it so far. Music is a vital part of my life; it helps keep me going. It's sad how I manage to forget that sometimes.

Oh, remind me to learn to sing eventually, too. I'm as tone deaf as a rotten log, but I figure I can get better.

Now, that other thing... Ugh, dammit. I still don't know what it was. And the whole theme of this post was remembering things. Guess I screwed that up.

Alright, it's late at night and I need to at least try to sleep, so that'll have to be all for now. Peace and love, dear readers.

Just found it funny

I was browsing a few videos just now, and came upon this video of John Cleese giving a lecture.



It's pretty fascinating so far, but I thought I'd better enjoy it if I finished my browsing and general dickery first, then finished watching afterward. As luck would have it, I clicked Pause just after he mentioned how awful it is to be interrupted.

Sorry, John. Well, on to some updates:

On the bright side, I sense a little bit of creative energy bubbling up inside me. My computer has crashed on me a few times now, so I've been falling behind a little in my work, but I'm still hopeful that I'll find more time for creative projects. At the very least, I should be writing a bit here a couple times a week to try and keep my right brain fertile. Even if I don't have anything spectacular to share, the act of typing it out as a coherent thought may be beneficial.

Prior to the first computer crash, I did briefly have my Wacom tablet installed, and I was pretty impressed with how it worked, cheap model that it is. It's awkward getting used to moving the cursor normally with it, but drawing feels pretty intuitive, so I'm excited to reinstall the drivers and properly run it through its paces. I guess schoolwork takes priority, though.

Alright, that's enough for the moment. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Just a few things

To anybody who happens to find their way here from LinkedIn:

I am so very sorry.

Oh, if anyone's curious what I've been up to with classes lately, my game journal sums up a lot of it. I don't recommend reading it too long though, as there's nothing too deeply insightful. It's for a grade, after all.

There isn't much else to report on right now, though it occurs to me that half the reason my blog and twitter are so silent is because my every inane thought is usually wasted elsewhere on the Internet (I won't say where; they don't need the traffic and I don't need the shame). So here are some of my recent thoughts and anecdotes:

"I only started using Chrome because my Firefox install somehow got horribly corrupted and I didn't want to bother fixing it. I really don't understand the dislike, though. The only thing I've run into lately that it can't do is play animated PNG images, and those are stupid anyway."
~
"I'm not sure why, but it just makes me so happy to know that the word defenestrate exists. I hope to use it in a proper context someday. I kind of want this date to be a holiday too."
~
"Just when I start to think modern rock may actually be as good as classic, George Thorogood or Stevie Ray Vaughan comes on."
~
"Last night I finally got around to installing the device drivers and software to try out my new drawing tablet. It seemed pretty cool. Then a few hours later my computer crashed. Recurring blue-screen and all. Thank god I had the good sense to back up some of my files beforehand. I almost lost an important project I've been doing for a class.

I wonder if it's a sign, though. I finally get up the motivation to even think about drawing again, and the universe throws a wrench in the works. Maybe somebody's trying to tell me something.

Or maybe it's somehow Chrome's fault."
~
"I have mild asthma. If I could, I would punch my own lungs in the face."
~
"I really want my own Curiosity Core now. Do they make plushies of those anywhere? They really should."

That's it for now. Peace and love, all.

Just more of the same

I've had my shiny new Wacom tablet for a week now. It hasn't even left the box yet. I swear I think about my comic project at least a few times a week on average, yet I can't find the damn motivation to take some time and work on it. Even now with a tool that'd make the process quicker and easier, I don't find the time. I wonder if I've just grown comfortable with my mediocre unfulfilling life.

I never write anymore either, which leads me to think the same. At least with drawing I have the excuse that I suck. I'm actually a decent writer though, and I usually enjoy writing, so there's no reason for me to NOT do it. And hell, with the shit that gets successfully published and produced these days, I'd have at least a snowball's chance at a career with it, yet I don't do anything.

What am I missing? What have I lost?

Just one more thing

Matt Schunk is a punk bitch and I will take him down anywhere, anytime. Believe it.

Seriously, though, I do miss you dude. We need to hang out sometime.

Just getting started

Fall '11 classes are on. I'm taking two courses: Computer Graphics (so dull it's ridiculous), and a theory of game design course. For the latter, I'm required to keep a game journal, reviewing new games I play and relating them to our course material. If anyone would like to read it, it's located here, and in all likelihood I'll be updating it more often than I update this thing.

I'm "on call" for work, but it appears I'm basically done there. It's fine, I knew it'd be a temporary thing anyway. I still have one or two paychecks to wait on, and they may call me in again if they need help with ad-hoc testing. We'll see, I guess.

Also, I'm single. I kind of already was before, except now there are no girls at all that I'm hoping to have a relationship with. In related news, the list of people who hate me has grown by at least one, so... hooray for that. I always knew I had problems communicating my thoughts and feelings, I just never knew it could make me look like a monster to some people. It's surprising I haven't stuck to this blog more, since one-off monologues seem to be the only form of communication I don't always fail at. I don't know, there might be hope for my love life yet, but I'm not about to pursue anything else for a while.

To further shoot myself in the foot, I'll go ahead and mention here how I got a new drawing tablet for my birthday (yeah, I'm 24, and don't really place any significance on it). I'm hoping that the medium of tablet drawing will someone be enjoyable enough to me that it'll motivate me to work on my comic again, but I'm clearly going to jinx myself by saying anything about it here. Every time I proclaim that I'm turning over a new leaf, getting motivated and getting a serious start on this thing, I always end up abandoning it again. I hope that won't happen this time, but... well, why be unrealistic with my expectations?

It also occurs to me I won't be able to keep up this stupid post naming trend much longer, but I'll no doubt push it as far as it'll go. Or at least, just a little farther.

That's basically it for now. I'll return to my previous regular sign-off, if only because neither of these things are very abundant:
Peace and love, everyone.

Just realized something

I never updated this thing about some important things that happened this summer.

For one, the fact that I got a job is kind of a big deal. It's like an internship thing, and it's temporary though I don't know how temporary. The pay is good but on a 2-week delay roughly. Also there is the minor problem of having to work 9am to 5pm every weekday. It's pretty hard on me, being a career insomniac, and spending that much time around so many people hasn't been totally easy either. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word.

Still, it's nice to have money, or it will be when my check comes on the 31st or so. Still on schedule to return to SUNYIT part-time on August 30th though, so will have to work things out with the job by then. Not sure if I'm going to be let go by then or not.

Also, I've been trying to have some kind of long-distance relationship with somebody I met online. It hasn't been easy. Aside from the distance, we seem to have problems communicating and getting along sometimes. I'm hoping we'll be able to work it out though. She means a lot to me, and I'd hate to see things end abruptly on a sour note. Naturally, I fear that could happen on pretty much any given day. I'll keep trying, but I guess only time will tell if we are really right for one another. Here's hoping love can find a way.

That's about it right now. Guess I'll check in next month, unless I suddenly feel inspired to write more. Signing off.

Just another update

I'm doing better than I was when I wrote that last post. Still not great, but a lot better. I've gotten back into drawing finally, my hygiene is better... it's a start, anyway. Still have to find a way to sleep at night, then not sleep during the day, but I'll keep working on it.

The Sallie Mae business is more or less taken care of. My family generously took care of the outstanding balance (which I still think shouldn't have been there in the first place, but what can I do?) I've at least had a chance to reduce the payments, so hopefully we won't have any more of this crap.

Beyond that, I'm hoping I'll get enough done on my one novel project to submit that soon. I still have no idea if publishers will accept partial manuscripts or not, but I'm guessing not.

That's about it. Goodnight, all.

Just felt like bitching and moaning

The title says it all. This is meant to be therapeutic for me, mainly, so don't expect anything especially captivating or interesting in this post.

For those who haven't heard, I dropped out of school. Again. Apparently I can't handle real life very well. Honestly, I had the easiest semester you could possibly imagine while still maintaining full-time status, and I still couldn't handle it. I've been too mind-numbingly depressed for any kind of responsibility at all. I have definitely lost all faith in the ability of medicine to help me manage my symptoms. I need to make some serious changes, that's for sure.

I'm sure the whole situation wasn't helped by how jaded I've become to the notion of finishing my degree. Especially since learning just how little all my CS studies have actually prepared me for a career in programming. Look at any careers or help wanted site; the demand for programmers right now revolves almost entirely around people who are experts in .NET, Flex, PHP, the Android environment, the Facebook platform, and pretty much everything to do with social networking, mobile applications and various other up-and-coming web platforms that I NEVER learned a thing about.

All I learned from some 5 years of college was some Java (not enough to make anything really cool with), C++ and C#, a semester of Scheme (which is great because 1, nobody fucking knows what Scheme is let alone uses it, and 2, I can't remember shit about it now anyway), a little Unix experience (again, not enough to do anything with), and a stockpile of general theoretical bullshit relating to operating systems and application development. I'm sure at least some of it has better prepared me to learn new languages or platforms, but that's not what employers are looking for now. They're not looking for interns to spend weeks teaching how to do shit in the hopes they'll be useful employees someday. They want people who already have training and experience working on these kinds of projects. That's something I never really got.

Seriously, higher education is a giant waste of money in absolutely every way. I'm essentially one semester away from having a degree, and I almost don't want to bother anymore. The only way it helps me is if I find an employer stupid enough to think a Bachelor's is any kind of substitute for actual contract work.

Also, I'm pretty sure now I thoroughly hate the general concept of dating and all the drama that surrounds it. I definitely hate relationships, and not just the romantic variety. I genuinely despise interacting with other people in virtually all settings.

It's probably worth mentioning, I definitely hate the way things have been turning out with a certain girl I know. I knew from the start we were better off just being friends, but she expressed what I thought was a serious interest in me. We kept hanging out, and God help me, I started falling for her. I liked her as more than just a friend, and I was attracted to her both physically and mentally. Then, just when it seemed like things were getting serious, and I had come to actually welcome that possibility, she kindly reminded me that she's still not over her ex, and likely won't be anytime soon.

So, we float now in the friend zone, slowly drifting further apart with each passing day, and I'm pretty much sick from the whole thing. I shared things with this girl I never share with anyone. I let myself get closer than I ever do with anyone, and made myself vulnerable because I wanted to believe it might work out. Well, as it turned out, I was right from the beginning. We would've been way better off if we'd stayed friends like we started out, but no, things had to get complicated. It's just a rotten mess. I can't talk naturally and candidly with her like I used to. I feel awkward and stupid, and I basically just don't even want to talk to her anymore, because whatever connection we had before got all fucked up.

Anyway, I don't know what's next for us. I'm guessing we'll slowly just stop communicating altogether, just like every other friend I've ever had. I don't want that to happen. I'd love it if I could go back to being comfortable talking to her again, or even take things further than that, but I know me, and I know it's very unlikely I'll ever be able to really care about someone like that again.

I find lately that I will cry during some romantic movies or family-type things. I know why it happens, too. It's never when something tragic is happening; it's always when someone is talking about true love or something similar. I cry when that happens because I know it's all bullshit. I cry because those moments remind me what a total farce the whole concept of love is. It's not the beautiful interpersonal connection it's portrayed as.

Here's what love is: you open your heart to someone, and sometimes they'll open theirs to you as well, and for a few fleeting moments you can be happy together. Mostly, though, when you open your heart to them, all you've really done is made it possible for them to injure you emotionally. And they will. A lot, whether they mean to or not. In all likelihood, if you were in sync enough, you'll be hurting them at the same time. You can probably still make each other happy if you really try, but the happiness is pathetically fleeting. The hurt lasts much longer.

On a different note, the dream blog I started isn't seeing much use, since I'm remembering my dreams even less than I used to. I guess I have to work on my diet.

Things I currently should be doing that I'm not: working out, sleeping regularly, watching my diet, bathing regularly, finding a job, writing, drawing, reading, playing Wii games (to improve my endorphine levels or whatever), trying to get published, practicing my C# skills, learning a musical instrument and/or how to sing. Really, any one of these would be nice.

What I am doing most of the time is finding any way I can to waste time and temporarily distract myself from the fact that I wish with every fiber of my being that I was dead. Don't worry, though, I'm sure I won't try to kill myself. That would require some form of commitment on my part, and God knows that won't happen. I never achieve anything I aspire to regardless of the level of effort I put in, so why knock myself out?

So, I think I'll sign off for now. I'd close with another 'peace and love,' but why keep perpetuating bullshit myths?

I really shouldn't have to hear this bull today

Despite having real-life things to write about, it took something like this to make me passionate enough to write again.

So, if you've been living under a rock, Osama bin Laden has been killed. Hard evidence hasn't been shared yet, but the story seems legit to me so far, and I gotta say I'm very hopeful they really got him this time.

That said, it never ceases to amaze me how, even on a day like this, people who buy in to conspiracy BS always manage to cast a sour feeling over what should be a celebratory day. I'll tell you right now, I am NOT revisiting why 9/11 wasn't an inside job. I will, however, share my feelings regarding today, and regarding comments like the following quote, which in my opinion have been far too numerous.

"Osama Ben Laden was the "bad son" of the Ben Laden family. The Bushes had been in league with the Ben Laden over oil revenues for 25 years when he died. (?) The fact that this never came to the fore during investigations seems ...interesting. 911 was a set up. It is politicians and their money playing games that cost lives and inspire fear and hatred in the masses. Most of us are "Sheeple" and so cannot (or will not) think for themselves. I know you've seen the movie, now read the book;) I don't see anyone demanding Bushes head on a stick..and he has done the largest amount of physical, emotional, financial, and civilian damage. Get your head out of your asses..you can be American and not believe in your government. Patriotic means that you have your countrymen at heart.
Most Americans are not aware that 100% of the constitution has been ammended with clauses to allow the government to simply bypass said rights when they feel the time suits. Bullshit?..Whatever. no way. Couldn't be.
Like I said..Read the book. There is something to be said for looking deeper."

I will not disclose any information about the person who wrote that, on the off chance they might actually regret saying it someday.

First off, I'm really bothered that someone can attack people for "not thinking for themselves" while simultaneously spewing verbatim some theory they heard from someone else without bothering to research any of it. That level of hypocrisy kind of scares me.

Second, I don't think this day has anything to do with whether or not we should trust our government. I personally think our government is trustworthy at least sometimes, but that's besides the point. Bin Laden is dead. He was one of the most evil guys on Earth, and they shot him dead. You have to be in some serious denial to think that we're not better off without him. Granted, some people argue that this will enrage radicals into retaliating, but let's be honest: these people already dedicated their lives to hating everything about the West and trying to kill us all. I seriously doubt this will amount to a big change in their plans. It's not like they were thinking, "Well, maybe the West isn't really the biggest evil... Wait, what? They killed Osama? Well, that settles it! Death to America! I'll never doubt again."

I want to be brief with this, because I know nothing good will ever come from trying to rationally debate people such as the one who wrote the comment above, so I'll close with the following:

Whatever your political beliefs, you surely acknowledge that the spread of blind hatred and murderous rage is a bad thing. Osama bin Laden made a lifetime commitment of making his followers hate not only the West, but anyone who didn't agree with their extreme views. They mercilessly killed countless innocent people, and no doubt will continue to after today. Osama being dead at least accomplishes two things:
1) It gives survivors of 9/11 some feeling of solace or closure, that their lost loved ones were not forgotten after nearly 10 years, and one of the men responsible was taken out of the equation.
2) It sends a message to the terrorists of the world that their actions won't be tolerated. I'm sure few of them have enough humanity left in their hearts to fear for even their own safety, but if this means even a few terrorists give up on their cause, I'd say it has been worth it.

That's all I'll say on this. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Updates; More to Come?

It's funny, how little I update things like this. Even my twitter account doesn't see that much use, and I'll tweet any stupid little thought that I feel like sharing. Could it be that whatever ridiculous narcissistic bug that has taken over the tech generation has passed me over somehow? Maybe. More than likely that just comes with the depression territory.

Speaking of which, I'm totally off meds for the first time in a while. I'm sleeping in weird intervals again, but otherwise the mood's been mostly good. I'm still not back in school yet, and haven't landed a job, but things are slowly changing.

It's probably worth noting that I seem to have a girlfriend-type person in my life now. Kind of big news for anybody who knows me, but I'm a little tired to talk about it now. I'll do a proper post about the whole thing soon.

Meanwhile, I have a few anti-poverty prospects upcoming very soon. For one, I've been following a certain radio show that holds a trivia gameshow every week. I'm not telling what the show is because the pot's getting big and you might be tempted to try for it yourself, and dammit I want the monneh!

Other than that, there's something more promising: a publisher is holding a sort of meet-and-greet to get to know some new authors. I plan on being there to show off some of my stuff. I somehow doubt my old novel is worth showing, but I'll bring a digital copy, along with one of my favorite short stories, a new book in progress, and maybe a couple other projects to sample.

Lastly, and this should be good because it's almost a guarantee: jury duty. I'm due in next week to serve, and they pay you for your time if you're unemployed or your job doesn't pay your time off. I'm sure most people would consider this boring, but considering we're talking about jury duty in Schenectady, I'm expecting some chuckle-worthy moments, if only in retelling the story later. You can expect to see a post about that next week.

So, yeah, as things are kind of picking up with my life finally, I might just start updating more regularly. There are at least 2 posts I plan on writing in the immediate future, so there's a start. In the meantime, I'm sure you'll find something else to amuse yourself with. I will, however, leave you with this:

Guess who has two thumbs a tired meme and got laid this week.



(No, not Bob Kelso. Me)

Anyway, that's it. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

New: Dan's Dream Blog

So, I know I haven't posted crap here in a long time. Virtually nothing is happening in my life right now. Kind of met somebody, but it's not really going anywhere; thinking about getting a job and putting off my last semester of college a bit longer. You're not missing anything.

Anyway, just thought I'd let my reader(s) know I started a new dream blog. I've always been interested in the subject of lucid dreaming, and I need a means to remember my dreams for longer, so I figured this could be useful, and who knows, maybe even worth reading. Here's the first post:

Dan's Dream Blog: Lucid, 3/26 - 3/27/11: The Snakehead Incident: "For the sake of remembering my dreams, as well as maybe entertaining and informing others, I've started this dream blog. Here's the dream I ..."

So yeah, take a look. I'll still probably update here on anything interesting in my real life, but all dream stuff will go there. Peace and love, you crazy kids.

Re: Attention Whores

So yeah, some people just can't live without being the center of attention. I can't say I blame them. I enjoy unwarranted attention from others as well. There is of course a minor difference between me and some other people: I'm awesome. If people worship the ground I walk on, I say well, of course, why doesn't everyone? But we're getting off track here.

I haven't communicated with my arch nemesis in quite a while. Maybe I've just been too busy with stuff of my own, but anyway I guess I have to give credit where credit was due. Whereas I've pretty much let the Halloween tradition stagnate, this past year consisting of a crappy party in the lounge and not much else, Schunk has continued to take the tradition seriously. This past year, unbeknownst to me, he constructed yet another memorable Halloween costume. Well, I just got to see the pictures recently, and I guess it's time I said something.



Schunk of course cropped the other guy out of this shot, because God forbid the spotlight should be taken off of him.

Well, first thing's first: I have to point out how deeply disturbed I am by the sight of Schunk in shorts that are this short. Other than that, I have to admit the ensemble is pretty accurate. The wig, the mustache, the colorful attire. He's a dead ringer for Lady GaGa.

Okay, I kid. Obviously it's a Hulk Hogan costume, and a pretty convincing one. Looking at this pic above I almost expect to see a Rent-A-Center logo in the corner. I have to say I was a little saddened to see Hulk in such a commercial, but I can't blame him. Whatcha gonna do, brother? Whatcha gonna do, when the IRS runs wild on you?

So I guess that's about it. Regardless of any homoerotic qualities the outfit might have, I have to give Schunk credit for putting together a good Halloween costume when I was too lazy to do so. What's more, he successfully tricked me into looking at all his latest Facebook photos. Between the Hulkamania pics, the green man molesting some poor boy and whatever the fuck this is, I think I need to pull my eyeballs out of my head and scrub them with steel wool.

You win this round, Schunk. But rest assured, once the nightmares subside, I will have my revenge. In the meantime, I hope you had a good holiday season and a happy new year. Talk to me if you want; I'm not hard to get ahold of. To everyone else, peace and love.

RIP

Marlon Hutchinson, my grandfather, passed away early this morning. I can't say I was surprised, given he's been battling cancer for most of the past year. Nevertheless, he will be missed.

Merry whatever you celebrate

I'll have some choice words for a certain guy whose last name sounds like a comic book sound effect, but that's later. For now, I'm enjoying my holiday. You enjoy this:

The Hunt is Over

Click

Well, all I can say is I'm glad somebody finally found the damn thing.

The Mind of Man Rests

So, I figured I should mention here in case anyone still reads this: there's a bit of a scavenger hunt going on across the 'net. It's all about this phrase:

"The mind of man rests on a delicate balance between reality - the world of light, and the other darker world below the threshold of consciousness... and it is from this world of darkness which comes the evil destructive forces in man's nature."

This thing has been showing up all over, as you can see in the description of this video. No one seems to know what film or show or whatever the audio is from. I'm guessing I'm a little late to the party here, but to my knowledge the answer hasn't been found yet.

Anyway, this has really piqued my curiosity, so even if I'm not the winner, I want to know what the quote is from. If anybody can help me, I'd really appreciate it. If you actually help me win the scavenger hunt, I'll make love to your soul.

...Or I guess a simple thank-you works, too. And maybe I'll give you like $5 if you have paypal.

On a related note, I can't help but feel that "The Mind of Man Rests" would be a great title for a book. Or maybe an alternative rock song. But don't get any bright ideas; I want to be the one who uses it for that purpose. Don't go using TMMR for your book's title, or I'll do mean, bizarre things to you, eventually confusing you to the point that you lose all grip on reality.

So, yeah, I'd welcome any help with this. If we don't win, thanks anyway for trying. And by all means let me know if you hear that phrase somewhere else.