You ever take a crap so big...

I'm watching Letterman at the moment, so sorry ahead of time if this is totally unintelligible.

Well, although it's obviously not set in stone, I'm thinking about going back to Marist next year. I have to earn a few credits somewhere else first, though, so I'm checking out a couple community colleges and stuff for just part-time purposes. Of course, this is just a side plot kind of thing. If I get published, that's it. No more schoolin' for this youngster.

Also, the Oscars were on last night. How many of you watched it? Yeah, me neither. Let us revel in our indifference. All together now: "Who cares?"

In mental health news, I talked to my therapist today. I dunno. I think we're getting somewhere, but I'm still mighty screwed up in the head.

Ow. I just sat on my balls. Hate it when that happens. Better shift my seating position a bit.

There we go. Also, I doubt anyone cares, but I might as well tell somebody. After a lifetime of briefs, and a few years of boxer-briefs on and off (no pun intended), I have officially switched full-time to boxer shorts. It's supposed to be healthier, I guess. Probably more stylish, too, for a guy in my kind of shape. And of course, it's always nice when the boys have plenty of elbow room to hang out and do their thing. They just gotta breath, you know?

The only real downside is that it's impossible to hide it when I'm aroused. Aside from the embarrassment that can cause, it also adds an unnecessary hazard to getting on a crowded elevator.

And, with that gorgeous image set in your mind, I'm off for now. Goodnight, my love.

-untitled-

You know, I really wish I wasn't so braindead. Anyway, I don't have much to talk about, but I'll say what I will.

First of all, it probably won't surprise Jordan to find out that I'm playing Baten Kaitos Origins again. The funny thing about that game is that, while it can probably be beaten in a day, it has a good hundred and fifty hours of sidequests and crap to do. I'm playing a little Killer7, too. Despite getting a Wii for Christmas, I'm trying to appreciate the classics.

I'm still on the Urban Dead forum, even though I haven't played the game in months. The role-play board makes for great writing practice. Sadly, this also means I haven't been working on my novel(s) much lately, and due to technology issues, my series is still on hold. I'm going to put some more time aside this week to try to crack this writer's block I'm getting.

I've got a lot of reading to do, too. Aside from all the books I had at Christmas, I just picked up the fourth and fifth books in Garth Nix' Keys to the Kingdom series. I started reading this thing years ago, then it seemed like he must have given up on it, so I did, too. Now, some 5ish years later, I find not one but two new books to sink my teeth into. And I haven't even finished the Mammoth Book of Comic Fantasy yet. Damn, I've got a lot to do.

Oh, and I'm still working at Price Chopper at $7.15 an hour. And it still sucks hard.

That's all for now. Peace, love and harmony, bitches.

Re: So how's things?

Wass been up on your side of the world?

---

Whole lot of nothing. Funny story, though. That payperpost thing I use on my blog had a 1-day offer going today. I could've made $50 in about three minutes, but I can't make a post unless I had a non-sponsored original post first, and my writer gene is totally blocked. So, kinda bummed about that.

Oh, and I'm starting new meds. So, I might be a little more psycho than usual for the next couple weeks. Or might do one of my disappearing acts for a while. Or maybe nothing will really change. Who knows.

Also, I haven't touched it in a few days, but I started another novel. It's kind of a shift in styles for me. It's still my usual action-comedy schmere, but no sci-fi, and I'm writing it in first-person perspective for a change. I've got a good feeling about this one.

...Hey, I think I just got a new blog post. Thanks, dude. You just inadvertently helped me out. Peace.

---

Update:
I just discovered that, in the time it took me to write this post, I missed a shot at an easy $500. Yeah. Just shoot me now.

Possible Proof That Dr. Phil Is A Quack

Um... Okay.

Open Letter to John McCain

Dear Mr McCain,

I have noticed in the past week that you have been doing quite well in the Republican primaries. There is a strong chance that you will be the next president of the United States, or at least the Republican candidate for 2008. Although I do not plan to vote on you, I would like to congratulate you on your success so far, and wish you all the best in the future.

Now, to the reason I am writing. Approximately one year ago, advertisements for your 2008 presidential campaign started appearing on a forum I frequent, located at urbandead.proboards52.com. These advertisements were seen on almost every page, and people were beginning to wonder if you had personally bought the forum. This eventually became a running joke, or meme if you will. Myself and other staff members even went so far as to edit the forum word filters, so that all censored words and phrases would be replaced by your name. Soon, everyone on the forum came to associate your name with foul language and rampant stupidity. These things have, at least in the realm of cyberspace, increased your exposure and made you more widely recognizeable.

The point I am getting to is, I believe that I and the other members of the forum were responsible in some part for your campaign success so far. For the time being, we offer this exposure free of charge. However, in the event of your victory in the election this fall, myself and the rest of the staff will assume responsibility for said victory, and will request advertising compensation in the form of a check for no less than $2000.00 USD.

Thank you for your attention, and good luck in the coming election.

Best regards,
Dan Mayer

Free Thinking Shouldn't Be So Expensive

You know, it's sad really. I know I'm a disappointment to my parents. I'm sure they know it, too. They even probably know that I know it, just as I know that they know that I know it. Still with me? Good.

Anyway, I love my folks, but I can't talk to them. Any time they try to say anything encouraging or talk me up, like tonight's little heart-to-heart, they're just making it plainly obvious how disappointed they are with how things are working out for me. I wish they could be proud of me, but for that to happen, I'd have to do something they'd be proud of.

Sadly, they and I have completely different ideas of what it means to be successful in life. Just the concept of someone living a happy, fulfilling life without a nine-to-five job perplexes them. The idea that money doesn't have to make the world go 'round is completely foreign to them.

Times like this, I'm reminded of Rolling Kansas, yet another movie that proves that every moment of my life that I haven't spent smoking pot was an utter waste, and the fact that I'm not a stoner now completely defies all logic and reason. Anyway, the point I was trying to get to: a line of Dick's from the final part of the movie (I'm paraphrasing, of course):

"My business failed for a lot of reasons, but it was never about money. And if my marriage fails, it's 'cause I didn't try hard enough. We met a guy... who hitch-hikes across Kansas, and he's got to be the happiest guy I've ever met."

You know, I really wish more people could think like that. It's sad the way things have gotten so damn capitalistic. Whoever first said 'money makes the world go round' should be violently beaten with rusty farm implements.

If I could have one wish, it would be to have been born early enough to be a hippie. I'd give my left leg for that lifestyle. Travelling cross-country in some beat-up technicolor winnebago... that's my vision of heaven on earth. I'm a member of a generation that died off before I was born, and it makes me sick to think about.

My only hope is the advent of the Internet will help shake up people's paradigms of how life works. 'Cause if I have to see one more teenager get sucked into the system and spat out into a cubicle, I just might lose what little faith in humanity I have left.

So, that said, I have a proposition for anyone reading this. If you think I'm right, and the world has gone money-crazy and forgotten what it means to really live, email me. I'm going to work on finding a little piece of land where a guy can live in peace without all that crap. I'd love to have company there, so if you're into it, have an idea for where to start, or just have nothing better to do, drop me a line.

Site Review: Zenni Optical

Great Discovery: $8 Prescription Glasses From Zenni Optical

Today, I'm looking at Zenni Optical, a site that sells, and I quote, "stylish prescription glasses". They have a "huge selection of frames with single vision lens, sun-sensor lens, tinted sunglasses lens, bifocal lens and progressive lens available." And, since they sell factory-direct, they can afford to sell their glasses at big discounts, starting at $8 a pair.

Alright, so let's get down to business. First of all, this guy scares the hell out of me:


Aside from that, though, the main page is pretty easy on the eyes. The buttons on the left show all the main categories of glasses, and there's a search bar below that to help you find a specific look.



Here's one pair that caught my eye. They're pretty close to the pair I have now, only way cheaper. There are simple drop-down boxes to choose colors, prescription, and other stuff. I think you have to know something about your prescription to pick out the right type, but otherwise the interface is pretty simple to use. Plus, the form stops you if you make a mistake, so you're not likely to end up accidentally ordering a pair you can't use.

Lastly, there's the shipping cost. The site has a $4.95 flat shipping rate, whether you're ordering one pair or ten. Not bad, considering their offices are in California.

So, all in all, this is a decent site. I'm not in the market for glasses right now, but if I ever accidentally sit on mine and crush them, I'll check this site out. I recommend anyone else needing frames should do the same. Unless you're far-sighted, in which case you probably won't be able to read the screen in front of you without adjusting the text size.

15 F@#king Cents!

Any Dane Cook fans know what that title's about. Anyway, I don't know about you guys, but I always felt bad about the fact that I ignore those 'Sponsor a Child' commercials. It's not because I don't care, though. (I don't, but that's not the main reason). If you add it up, that sponsorship comes to upwards of $20 a month. I can't afford that. As some of you know, I can barely feed myself.

But, good news: I found another way to help the starving kids in Africa, and it doesn't cost a thing. Technically, it'll cost some of your time, but come on. You're on the Internet. You're reading my blog. Can you honestly say you weren't wasting your time already? I didn't think so.

So, as long as you're wasting time, why not put some of it to good use? I found a charitable website with a game online that is also a pretty fun timewaster (once you get past the horrible SAT flashbacks).

http://www.freerice.com/index.php

It's pretty simple: you play a word game, and for every correct guess, they donate more rice, payed for by ad revenue. It's pretty fun, and it's helping do some good in the fight against world hunger.

So, go on. You know you're bored. Start clicking. Feed some starving kids.

(And by the way, this isn't a sponsored post; I'm just doing it for the good karma)

It's 9am in Stockholm

It's been a week, so I figure I should at least post something here.

First off, PT's still going strong. I actually managed to stay on schedule for the past week or so. The Zed Word is starting to wind down, and I'm not sure yet what the next chapter is going to be, so I might miss a week once this story arc is over.

Second, a plea for assistance: If you like this blog, and have a blog or website of your own, please link to me somewhere. I still have a Google rank of absolute zero, which means if I hope to have a steady income, I'll have to, 1) Go back to Price Chopper and beg for more hours, B) Seriously increase traffic here, 4) Do both of those things, or 6) Learn how to count.
(Of course, if you have a site in need of traffic, I'll gladly link to you as well. That sidebar's not just there for gratuitous google ads, after all)

Third, I'm slipping back into the old insomniac habit again. I'm typing this up at 4:30am presently. As much as I love the night, I should probably get back to a normal rhythm. Luckily, I found an easy way to reset my biological clock, should the need arise: around 8pm, take the maximum recommended dosage of allergy meds and Tylenol PM. Then go straight to bed. I'll be in a medicated coma by 9 o'clock, or maybe 10 at the latest. Sleep a straight 12 hours, then wake up at 9am the next day feeling like a million bucks. Of course, if I don't take enough meds, it won't knock me out quickly enough, but if I take too many, there's a chance I won't wake up at all. It's a ballancing act, you see.

Alright, that about does it for now. My next post will probably be another sponsorship deal, assuming I can find one. Otherwise, I might just rant about random crap as usual. Until then, stay loose.

Back on the Wagon

Well, it's been awhile, but I'm finally getting Paradigm Theater moving again. I got a new page of The Zed Word uploaded, and plan on having the next one done in time for an update next week.

http://paradigmtheater.tk/

And if you have any thoughts/suggestions, for God's sake, don't be shy about it!

How Well Do You Know Me?

Well, there's one way to find out. Take the quiz if you think you're up for it. At the very least, you should get a laugh out of it.

Lemme warn you now: the site is kind of a headache, and it's gonna bombard you with spam before you see your results. If that sounds lame, feel free to skip this thing, or just read the questions. Here's the results of whoever's taken it so far:


Create your own Friend Quiz here

Site Review: Ultimate Paintball

If you're anything like me, you've probably thought, "Hey, I wanna shoot somebody, but I don't wanna get arrested." Well, in that case, you might consider taking up paintball. Personally, I've been toying with the idea for years, but never really had the cash to invest in the gear. But, with the holiday season coming to an end, a lot of you probably have some cash lying around from all those cards from aunts and uncles. (I already blew mine on videogames and books, but that's beside the point)

So, the site I'm looking at today is Ultimate Paintball, a company selling all kinds of paintball gear. They sell Tippmann, Spyder, Smart Parts, Dye, Empire, Draxxus and many more brands, which you can find on their website. Their top-sellers are the Tippmann A-5, Tippmann 98 Custom, Smart Parts Ion, and Spyder Pilot ACS.

Layout-wise, the site looks really good. The color scheme isn't too hard on the eyes, the navbar is nicely arranged, and the division of categories and search function in the sidebar make it easy to find what you're looking for. I had my eye on the spyder vs3, but it's a bit out of my price range. Fortunately, there's a nice selection of different guns at reasonable prices, even for a cheap guy like me. The free shipping doesn't hurt, either.

So, all in all, this is a nice resource for the prospective paintball buyer. Whether you're looking for new equipment, or need more ammo or upgrade parts, you'll probably find what you're looking for at Ultimate Paintball.

New Year, Same Neuroses

So, it's been a while. Anyone who communicates with me in any online forum probably has noticed I sort of dropped off the face of the Earth. Yeah, I tend to do that during holidays and stuff. I haven't even read my email. Sorry. I needed some serious decompression time, which for me meant no internet, catching up on sleep, and eating my weight in Christmas cookies. (Being a Festivus guy, I really don't celebrate Christmas whole-heartedly, but I'll be damned if I can pass up a cookie)

Anyway, a new year is starting soon. As I type this, it's 15 minutes from midnight, and I've started thinking about my resolutions. I usually don't bother, but I wanted this year to be different. So, here we go.

For starters, I've decided to get back to writing more regularly. I'm going to have more time on my hands now, as I'm taking some time off from school. I'll talk more about that in a future post. Anyway, I've already got a new page of my short story The Zed Word, and I'm working on the next few, so I'll be taking Paradigm Theater off hiatus sometime later this week. Links will follow.

Second, as well as writing, I figure I should do more reading. So, following the Twilight Zone marathon, I'm going to cut down on TV time. I've bought a few books, so I'll have no shortage of material.

Third, I'm going to start working out. Aside from the fact that I'm built like Spongebob Squarepants, I hear that physical activity is good for endorphine levels, so getting back on a solid workout plan would probably do me a world of good, both physically and mentally.

Lastly, and this is kind of difficult for me, I've decided that I need to work on coming out of my shell more. Easier said than done, but I think my past semester at Marist is proof enough that I'm still way too repressed for my own good. I have some serious anger issues, specifically of the implosive variety. I often don't express how I really feel for fear of offending others, but all this work to stay out of people's way is having a toxic effect on my state of mind.

So, in the coming weeks, I'm going to work on shovelling some skeletons out of my closet. For example, I really need talk with/about a certain ex-roommate of mine, who will go unnamed because I know he can't stand it when I so much as mention him in any online forum. If you're reading this, dude, I'm sorry. I didn't have the balls to come out and talk to you face to face when I had the chance, and I really feel like we need to clear the air. I'll probably be stopping by Marist for a brief outing in the spring sometime, so hopefully we'll be able to do this in person.

Well, I guess that's about it for now. If anyone has any resolutions of their own, I'd love to hear them. Plus, this blog's depressingly low on comments, so lemme hear what you're doing different in '08, or just comment on my resolutions.

Thanks for reading, and happy new year, guys. Stay loose.

To All Facebook Members

Some of you may have seen a message circulating Facebook which is signed: "Founder of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg". It reads as follows:

"Attention all Facebook membeRs.
Facebook is recently becoming very overpopulated,
There have been many members complaining that Facebook
is becoming very slow.Record shows that the reason is
that there are too many non-active Facebook members
And on the other side too many new Facebook members.
We will be sending this messages around to see if the
Members are active or not,If you're active please send
to other users using Copy+Paste to show that you are active
Those who do not send this message within 2 weeks,
The user will be deleted without hesitation to create more space,
If Facebook is still overpopulated we kindly ask for donations but until then send this message to all your friends and make sure you send
this message to show me that your active and not deleted."

It apparently calls on everyone who gets it to forward it to everyone they know, and claims that their account will be deleted if they don't do this within 2 weeks.

Let me be blunt: this is the stupidest prank I've seen on Facebook in a long time. And believe me, I've seen a lot. If anyone gets this joke message claiming to be from Mark Zuckerberg, please do not forward it.

Now, to anyone who already forwarded it, or who isn't convinced it's a joke, let me point a few things out:

• First, the fact that the word members is spelled "memberRs" in the message should've been a dead giveaway.
• Second, I'm no programming genius, but I'm pretty sure there are better ways to see who is active on Facebook besides a viral wall post.
• Third, if this were really from the creator of Facebook, he wouldn't be perpetuating it through apps like Funwall, which everyone doesn't have installed. He'd probably send a mass mail to everyone's inbox.

Thanks for your attention, everyone. Take it easy, guys and gals. And to the person who started this prank: go sit in the corner, dumbass.

Disclosure Policy

(Warning: Legal jargon ahead)

This policy is valid from 12 December 2007

This blog is a personal blog written and edited by me. This blog accepts forms of cash advertising, sponsorship, paid insertions or other forms of compensation.

This blog abides by word of mouth marketing standards. We believe in honesty of relationship, opinion and identity. The compensation received may influence the advertising content, topics or posts made in this blog. That content, advertising space or post will be clearly identified as paid or sponsored content.

The owner(s) of this blog is compensated to provide opinion on products, services, websites and various other topics. Even though the owner(s) of this blog receives compensation for our posts or advertisements, we always give our honest opinions, findings, beliefs, or experiences on those topics or products. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the bloggers' own. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer, provider or party in question.

This blog does not contain any content which might present a conflict of interest.

To get your own policy, go to http://www.disclosurepolicy.org

Sci-fi Movie Reviews: Part Deux

I seriously doubt I spelled that right.

Eight-Legged Freaks
I saw it Monday night, and I have a hard time forming an opinion about it. The effects and acting weren't too bad, but the story itself just made so little sense I was baffled by it.

--(Spoilers Ahead)--

The ending, of course, involved a steriotypical chase scene followed by the spiders getting blown up. Probably the most cliched way to end one of these movies. And, of course, the authorities don't show up until after they're all dead.

Still, there were a lot of parts that indicated to me that the writer really wasn't taking it seriously. The whole "listen to the kid" thing harkens to countless other sci-fi movies, so it's obviously making fun of the genre.

One more thing: the guy who tried to sex up the sheriff's daughter, but wound up getting tasered in the groin. Seriously, he should've been dead as soon as the spiders showed up. He not only outran them on his bike while all his buddies died, but he superkicked one of them while he and his bike hung in midair after a huge jump.

As if that wasn't enough, he jumped in front of an oncoming fuel truck, which caused the spiders to slam right into it, causing a chain reaction knocking over the power lines and blowing up the whole thing, killing the whole first wave of spiders. A character as inconsequential as that kid has NO right to be that badass. Hell, the main f'ing character didn't do anything that cool.

And it goes on. He tries to escape them by driving into the mines. That's where the spiders have been living the whole time. And yet, somehow, he's still riding around in circles trying to find his way out when everyone else shows up later. Call me cruel, but I couldn't help but think, "Dude, why the hell are you still alive?"

So, overall, not my favorite movie. It was okay in some parts, but really not a wholly satisfying movie. I mainly watched to the end out of boredom, not because I gave a crap. So, if you ever see this one on late night TV, only watch it if there's absolutely nothing else on. It might be good for a laugh if you're drunk, but there's probably something better out there.

Surgical Procedure Review

A bit off from my usual topics, but I figured this was worth mentioning. I personally have no use for this procedure I'm about to talk about, but I figure I've got at least a few obese readers, so if you're one of them, and you want help losing weight, this might interest you.

Yeah, so basically, I'm pimping Journeylite's website. Before I start in, here's their mission statement:

"Journeylite is a nationwide network of lap band surgical facilities and surgeons who specialize in the LAPBAND procedure for the surgical treatment of obesity. Facilities conveniently located in Los Angeles LA, Houston Texas and Tampa Florida."

For those not in the know, LAPBAND is a relatively new procedure that they use to treat obesity. I have to admit, though, it sounded a little weird to me. The way they describe it, the procedure is basically to tie off a smaller section of your stomach, making food travel through it more slowly. It's almost like having separate stomachs. Sounds cool and all, but it also gives me an excuse to compare you to a cow.

So, this is definitely a bit on the creepy side, but it's apparently pretty innocuous, using very small incisions and instruments. Plus, the logic is there. One of the problems many people have with losing weight is that they're still hungry after eating the amount recommended for their diet. With this, it's like their stomach is smaller, so they can feel satisfied after eating less, and are less prone to overeating in the future.

So, yeah, this sounds pretty cool. It might not be a good option for everyone, though. I mean, if you're just trying to lose a couple pounds for the summer, this might be a little radical. But, if you're seriously obese and your health is suffering because of it, this might be a good option for you to consider.

If you want to learn more about the lap band, here's a link to Journeylite's main website.

lapband los angeles


(This is a sponsored post. Following this date, I am implementing a new disclosure policy, which should be linked to in the sidebar)

Sci-fi Movie Reviews

A few matters to mention today before I start into my main post. First, I love the British.



Seriously, I love the British.

Second, a brief God Hand update. I beat God Hand on Hard Mode. That means I now have all 4 CDs for the jukebox, and the only thing I'm lacking are the trailers for beating challenge #51. Seriously, this is harder than the final boss on Hard mode, if you can picture that.

Third, Schunk owes me money. More on this story as it develops.

---

Okay, now to my main points:

Movie #1: American Werewolf in Paris
I watched this movie over Friday night. "Why?" you may ask. "Well," I may tell you, "there wasn't shit else on TV." So, I ended up watching this.

Let me tell you, this movie was downright laughably bad. The setting was absurd, the characters were poorly written, the acting was barely passable, and the ending was so horribly corny I almost laughed out loud. The only half-decent part of this flick was the effects, and that's not saying much. This is just further proof that, and all apsiring directors and moviegoers alike should remember this:

Flashy special effects do not a good movie make.

Seriously, avoid this one. If you're ever watching TBS late at night and this comes on, change the channel. Don't make the same mistake I made. It's not worth the 2 hours you would've wasted on it. Those sleepless hours would be better spent staring at the ceiling or counting sheep.

Movie #2: Eye of the Beast
Now, this one I actually kind of liked. I watched it Saturday night on Sci-fi, which means I already had low expectations.

Now, on its surface, this is really just another cheap Sci-fi Saturday monster movie, but upon closer examination, it's really well executed. The characters and acting weren't great, but they were passably believable, which is really all you need in a Sci-fi Saturday flick.

The story was nothing special: A marine biologist type guy investigates the poor catch at a fishery, only to discover a sea monster living in the lake, which no one believes until it's too late, so it's up to him and some locals to kill it. Generic as it was, though, it took a couple turns that I didn't fully expect, and it kept me genuinely interested in the outcome.

Also, (--SPOILER ALERT--) the monster is NOT killed by a big gratuitous explosion at the end. They used electricity, which I'll admit has been done before for sea monsters, but it's not too played out, and in Eye of the Best, they definitely did it with flair.

So, overall, I would recommend this one. If you're a fan of Sci-fi monster movies, or just looking for something a little different, give it a watch next time it's on TV. Or, if you're really ambitious, rent the DVD. It'll probably be on video soon if it isn't already.

Dashboard Confessional

(This post has nothing to do with the band, so don't get your hopes up)

I'm not a very religious man, so I've never really been one to go to confession. Still, I've heard confession is good for the soul. I haven't done anything too heinous in my day, but I think we all have one thing or another we need to come clean about sooner or later.

What about you? Done anything cringe-worthy lately? I know, I'm certainly no holy man, but I like to help people however I can, and I'm always willing to lend an ear to whoever wants it. So, if any of my readers have something weighing on their conscience, or just want to brag about their evil exploits, now's a fine time to fess up. You can even do so anonymously if you want.

And if you don't trust me enough to confess to, why not confess to Sweeney Todd? Lame segue, I know, but I had to mention this movie somehow. I've always been a big Tim Burton fan, and Johnny Depp has been growing on me. From the trailers I've seen so far, Sweeney Todd is going to be a great old-school horror flick. Too many films these days use flashy effects, pointless twists and excessive gore to thinly cover up bad acting and weak story. But I know Tim Burton is too good for that. The man's a story-teller. No cheap scares and weak plotlines here; just pure, unadulterated cinematic terror.

Okay, I think I'm rambling a bit now. Anyway, to check out Sweeney Todd's confessional, click the link in the previous paragraph. And to learn more about the master Tim Burton's latest movie, visit the official Sweeney Todd movie site.

Notes to Self

Just going through these here so I can throw out all those annoying sticky notes. Most of these relate to my whole cyborg plan.

• Do the laundry tomorrow. That stuff has been sitting there way too long. Plus, it's cold in my room, and I'm running out of crappy sweatshirts.


• Mention Schunk so he'll actually read this.


• Chew Schunk out for not inviting me to watch Survivor Series with him and his gang.


• Shave. A little stubble is okay, but I'm starting to scare the children.


• Learn to rollerblade. Rollerblading has all the benefits of walking, but with the added benefit of getting there faster. The only downside is that zipping around a college campus on rollerblades makes you look like a douche.


• Get a trampoline. It's great exercise without being too strenuous. The negative effects, however, are the same as above.


• Sweep the floor. Seriously, it's gottten out of hand. The dust bunnies have started to build an intelligent civilization under my desk. That's bound to make my allergies act up. Besides, as a card-carrying American citizen and representative for white people everywhere, when I'm faced with a budding civilization, it's my duty to either take their land and wipe them out completely, or subjugate and exploit them for my own selfish gains.

That's all for now. I'll post more when I think of it.